I wake up and check the clock, human impulse to think about time, and I see its only 6:13 AM.
Falling back into bed I try to close my eyes but I already know its futile, I'm awake now.
Slowly getting up, sitting on the edge of my bed, I remember shards of my last dream but after a few moments more I realize it was a nightmare so I jump off the bed before bad thoughts take me.
I've had this thought to go about my day with eyes closed for awhile now, just to experience blindness , but as I sleepwalk over to my closet and almost break my fucking toes on a chair I push the notion back a few more days.
Not much later I find myself operating the coffee machine, suddenly aware of the fact I'm a slave to routine, and it is with some reluctance I prepare my dark roast coffee.
But, my thoughts are fleeting and soon I am left with the morning papers, my cup of coffee and a quick breakfast.
The paper disappointed again, I saw two comics that would have been better in English and rolled my eyes at the feigned shock stories more than I cared to, so I put it away and walk over to the garden door.
I'm sad when I don't spot the fat cheshire cat waiting for me and I finish my coffee staring out into the yard.
Anyone who would have seen me staring out would have thought me just a lover of nature, while actually thoughts ran rampant in my head.
Thoughts of death and mutilation, of pain and darkness.
But not just any darkness, The Darkness 2, to be exact.
I've started the game last night, starting off with the Vendetta mode that puts you in the shoes of 1 out of 4 characters and drops you off with some pretty basic co op missions.
I, naturally, went for the lady and decided I was in love with this game as I executed a guy point blank with her Darkness infused shotgun.
After satisfying my lust for storyless killing I start the campaign and wow!
Blown away! Just as I expected but still I'm very much shocked by it!
The opening goes to hell within minutes and the narrative really gets to me, before long I am shooting a sub machine gun and a pistol while the tendrils of The Darkness throw, hack and mutilate their way around me.
I now know what was meant by 'quad wielding' when I heard it mentioned in some dev diary and I must say I enjoy the rush of power I felt playing as Jackie.
I'm nowhere far into the game, second mission barely, but I'm very much excited to continue the game.
Now back to the present, I decide to give up my job as a professional garden watcher and turn to go upstairs, all kinds of eager to continue The Darkness 2 and, guilty pleasure, read the responses to my previous blog.
I don't get far however, the bell rings just halfway up the stairs and it is back I go.
My mind, fully awake, did not comprehend the time and with a smile worthy of a sunny afternoon I open the door and downright scare the delivery man.
He hands me a huge packet of folders, too big to fit with the rest of the post (I'm quite sure its illegal to have such big packets of folders), and its not until he eyes me weirdly and I walk back inside that I realize I was dressed less than sane.
I try to push my bothersome curls (you may have heard of their reputation) down a bit but alas, I'm stuck with the Zeno Clash look for now and I decide that wearing a open blouse and underwear alone is not as sexy as the postman would have made me think, not to mention cold, thus I go upstairs to get dressed.
I promised myself not to fret so much over some things but as I browse the forums of Giantbomb I can't help but feel agitated at some of the other Bombers and their responses.
Now, first and foremost, I respect every opinion even if I don't agree with it but I also expect a level of respect from people.
As well as sanity, which is a hard order coming from one as twisted as me, but nonetheless we are a community and if these basic rules are not enforced, or lived by rather, this place will soon go to shit and I would not want that.
Lets just keep this brief, I don't want to step on toes nor do I want anyone to step on mine because they still hurt from the 'blind-for-a-day-chair-in-my-way' encounter earlier.
I know it's that super awesome to feel insulted, to feel that rush and need to respond and tell the world how wrong they are and to proclaim your superiority.
But really, don't! Not all the time anyway!
Take a step back and READ what is being said, read it twice, read it out loud but for god's sake, READ.
All too often I see people scan a post, notice one or two things they don't like and off they go, insults and belittling a plenty.
If you don't want to read a post, skip it, it's what I do and so far its working out grand!
But I guess we could go deeper with this (I won't however, not this time) and blame it on a need to be heard or listened to because I cannot fathom how some people around here think/act like they're super important yet do find the time to comment on things they 'FUCKING HATE'.
Just my thoughts.
Lets discuss fears, because I have some.
I'm afraid I can't match my previous blog, I'm afraid my previous blog is all kinds of genius and I won't be able to ever duplicate its success again.
The scared part of me, of any artist, that your pony has done its trick and that its off to the slaughter now is looming over me.
Nothing new though and it is with some clarity that I say this but I know it often feels different (heavier) and not as clear as it is to me today.
I've written enough to know I can write, I've received enough positive responses to know people like what I write and more than once I have been told I have a future in writing.
Yet still this fear keeps coming back.
I'm trying to walk this delicate line concerning personal stuff.
It's kind of hard, as I'll admit it's very tempting to write about my morning and how I relate gaming to things around me but I also fear I might be putting too much focus on myself and not enough on games when I write these blogs.
Which is the exact reason I blog so little.
But then again, on the other side, there's a thousand people out there talking about games.
Perhaps this is my 'secret sauce'? My special ingredient that brings all the boys to the yard?
I won't talk about my personal troubles or my sex life or any such things but I do feel a need to associate my writing, my experiences and my mental mood with gaming.
And frankly speaking, are those things so far apart then?
I live with games, everyday again, and I love it.
If anyone feels somehow annoyed by my writing I guess...well, click it away or send me a critique.
It's getting a bit tiring to be so self doubting, is that a good sign? I think so, I'm done with silly people.
Until the next panic attack that is.
As I said I played a bit of the Darkness 2 and already there were some scenes that got to me.
Which I will now spoiler tag because it kind of spoils both Darkness 1 and some of the beginning in Darkness 2 and I cannot urge you all enough to go and experience it for yourself!
Jackie lights the candle, grabs the frame with her picture and trials his fingers over the picture, his voice thick with regret.
Now it must be said I love the setting of The Darkness, the world feels pretty raw and I really felt for Jackie and Jenny, they are a great couple because they're both pretty imperfect and damaged.
I went mental when Jackie saw Jennie get murdered in front of him in the first game and I was shocked to bits when I saw him walk over to a mirror...only to watch him put the gun under his own chin and firing.
You know that feeling when all's gone to hell and you just want to make an end to it? Jackie did. The game's writers did.
Respect through the roof for that.
Also, another scene in the Darkness 2, mission 2.
You end up in a broken down diner and Jackie has flashbacks of some sort, ending up talking and dancing with Jenny.
And you're experiencing this first person.
That, exactly that, is what I applaud in gaming.
The game is first person and it stays first person in all it does.
You wield the guns, sure, but you see Jackie's arms subtly turn and twist as you shoot, mimicking real movements (to an extent, of course) you would perform firing two pistols yourself as well.
Where in other games you just see things from that perspective, in The Darkness you live as Jackie and when you experience cut scenes it really adds to it.
The game is made with your first person view in mind, things happen all around you but it never seems to forget you can't see everything at once.
People have missed scripted explosions or story events in shooters before, simply because it all happens as you walk by, it's too big and too detached.
Which is fine for a war shooter perhaps, bring you the frying pan experience, but in The Darkness I really feel connected to the game, its story and its characters.
Just a little more, stick with me here!
I spend the morning playing some more Darkness, get up to my ankles in gore and storytelling, go off to write a little Darkness inspired piece of writing and then it's out the door I go.
You see I checked my console games collection and I realized I was done with some games.
I've played the hell out of Red Dead Redemption, I lived in its multiplayer for a month, and I've done all I wanted in Bioshock 1, Oblivion and Halo 3/ODST.
I've still got to finish Skyrim, start Bioshock 2 and I've got Halo Reach to scratch my Halo itch until Halo 4 comes around.
So I grabbed em, went to the local gamestore and traded them in for store credit.
'Only' 44 euro's but ah well, that's enough for a 3DS game (any recommendations? I'm thinking Pokemon Conquest, I'm in the mood for weird kinky foreign stuff) or I might save up for Halo 4.
I also ordered both Borderlands 2 and Darksiders 2, both games surprised me silly when they came out and especially Borderlands is just downright mental.
Eager to play Darksiders 2 but yeah, EU release eh? Fucking publishers.
My plan for the rest of the day is terribly dull, mostly consists of cleaning and cooking but hopefully tonight I'll be able to continue on with a game, or writing.
Which reminds me that I kind of want a new book to read, might go for the Witcher book but I heard bad things about the translation.
Ah but fuck it, ain't that like the east european version of a game? Bad translation is half the immersion!
Too long didn't read version: