The Secret of Monkey Island
( Holy crap, did I just beat an adventure game?) And it was THE adventure game by which all others are rated? Holy fuck, I am surprised. I've just been playing this game in the time between completing blogs and actually posting them, but since I made a lot of progress in the game last one-of-those-times, I decided I'd wrap it up. I think a lot of you can see why this should be so surprising: I'm primarily a console gamer, the most complex PC gaming experience on my part being Oregon Trail. The only adventure games I've played before this were Zack & Wiki and Snatcher (Peasant's Quest doesn't count (obligatory TROG-DOOOOORRRR reference)), both of which were noticeably Japanese.Unlike this one, where there wasn't a Hirohito or Fukushima to be found anywhere in the credits. That in mind, let's plunge into my awkward first attempt at reviewing an adventure game. You play as Guybrush Threepwood, a young...boy?....looking to become a pirate. I was hoping to make a joke centered around calling him Thighbrush Deepwood, but given that he's more awkward around women than I am, I'll probably resort to the cliché joke of Guy.brush. Deepwood is weak, not too smart, not very skilled, and has this fake sense of wit about him. Time and time again, he'll spout cringe-worthy jokes he thinks are downright hilarious. However, it's hard to hate the guy for two reasons: first, he reminds me a lot of myself. (See? Sort of self aware.) Second, he's sort of an underdog; he has less power than a de-piranha'd-poodle and the odds are constantly against him. Over time, you'll grow to like Thighbrush, even if it is through hackneyed methods (random/forced romance, character complaining about how much he sucks, etc.). I know I should have expected this, given that it was made by George Lucas, but I can still complain about it, right?
Oddly enough, there is one button I couldn't find on the keyboard: the "show me what's background and what's clickable" button. That would've helped a lot, since it can be hard to tell which is which. Example: one puzzle required that I blow up a dam so that the water flowed to a dry pond. I had gunpowder and flint, so I knew how to blow it up, but couldn't find anywhere to click on the wooden dam. Looked at a walkthrough, and it turned out that I was clicking on a bridge and that the dam in question was made of stone. Another example of obscurity: getting a key from LeChuck's cabin, but I can't get near it. How do I get it? Magnetic compass, duh, even though that's not how a compass has ever worked, ever! Then again, I have no idea if any of this is unfair; it's my first major adventure game, so maybe this is just stuff you get used to over time. Maybe if I were to play more of these game more often, then I'd know how they structure some of these weird puzzles and why they give me completely useless items and commands. Besides, like Deepwood, it's hard to hate Monkey Island entirely; it's a funny and unique game that's good for beginners, for the most part. So I guess I'll give this game the Guybrush Threepwod Award for Previously Described, Completely Obvious Reasons.
Review Synopsis
- OK story with a love/hate character and funny writing.
- Still falls prey to all the old adventure game flaws, like unclear environments and obscure puzzles.
- The sword fight isn't as epic as you'd think, given the amount of grind necessary to win it.
Unfortunately, he didn't believe.
Shadow Dancer: The Secret of Shinobi
( OK, here's something that not only I'm more familiar with, but you are, as well: ninjas.) And ninjas games. Speaking of which, this is not ninja music. *shoots audio guy, turns on ninja music* That's better. Anyway, my point is that this part of the blog won't be an awkward attempt to be objective (or even coherent) in writing about a game in a genre I've never played. Instead, it's going to be all that because I spent too much time making this kickass avatar. Seriously, that Satan Claus sprite took A LOT of work.
However, the game designers noticed this flaw, and decided to add another gameplay feature. If it did cripple the game, then this would make up for it; if it didn't, hey, you have another new feature. Win-win, right? Not exactly, since the new gameplay feature changes the game less than using a six-button controller would. What is this new feature exactly? I don't know, but there was this dog following me the entire time. There was also this charge thing on the bottom with a dog face, but I'm guessing that it's supposed to distract you from all the enemies. I looked up what the dog is supposed to do, and apparently, the FAQs say that he'll bark enemies away from you. Given that he's never done that ever ever ever, I'm ranking his usefulness somewhere between "Fable II dog" and "Scrappy Doo without a bullet ear cleaning."
So you can only depend on yourself and your shurikens (except on the "hard" mode, where shurikens are nothing more than cardboard coasters). You'd expect this particular shinobi to be 100% fucked, right? Well, not exactly. Sure, there were more enemies in the game than sprites (shinobis and gangsters have special paradox powers, OK?), but I didn't find them to be too much of a challenge; Shadow Dancer hits the perfect balance between easy and hard, that sweet spot of "challenging, but possible with skill." However, there are some exceptions, like the bonus stage. Again. Instead of a one-hit kill stage where you reminisce for the days of the Duck Hunt Dog's taunts, you get a shmup-esque stage where you shoot ninjas for defying gravity. The problem is that there can be twelve on screen at any given time, and they tend to move quicker than your slow ninja ass ever will. Say bye to the bonus points. Compare this to the final level, where you can literally walk into the bad guy's death fortress and shoot shurikens into the villain's face until you get an ending. Speaking of levels, there are only five. Also like the arcades, this game is short. However, [INSERT "SEX WITH ME JOKE", TRANSITION INTO FUN OF GAME]. Hell, one of the bosses is a demon woman on the Statue of Liberty! What else needs to be said? I'm gonna give it the Ninja Gaiden II Award for Being A Lot Like Ninja Gaiden II At That Point in Time.
Review Synopsis
- Imagine the original Shinobi, only with a useless dog tagging along the entire time.
- Kinda short at only five levels.
- Still, that's five levels of Shinobi fun.
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