64 in 64: Episode 28

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Mento

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Hola amigos y amigas, I didn't really have a good topic of conversation planned out for this month's introduction to 64 in 64, a regular self-flagellation ritual performed via the medium of Nintendo 64 games, so I'm going to revisit an idea I had previously in Episode 23 and cover all the N64 games that belong to a specific genre. Since we did RPGs last time, we'll move onto my second favorite of the genres well-represented on the system: 3D Platformers. I've already covered a few, but there's many more left to discover, not all of which I'd be particularly psyched to encounter. This comes from my own cursory research into the full N64 library, so it's possible I have the wrong end of the stick about some of the following (or I've missed a few for the same reason, or because they're edge cases like the Zeldas):

  1. Super Mario 64 (1st): Well, yeah. We know about this one. Covered in Episode 1.
  2. Doraemon: Nobita to 3 Tsu no Seireiseki (20th): I'd love to try a 3D Doraemon platformer. I'm not familiar enough with the franchise to know what to expect, besides probably gadgets out the wazoo (technical term for cat anatomy), but it'd be an adventure. Eligible.
  3. Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon (34th): Really more of a Zeldersatz than a collectathon platformer, there's still a whole lot of platforming involved in Goemon's big 3D debut. Covered in Episode 3.
  4. Chameleon Twist (57th): This tongue-twisty franchise from Sunsoft is definitely on my Pre-Selected shortlist, but it's more than a little rough around the edges. Eligible.
  5. Banjo-Kazooie (110th): The first true contender for Super Mario 64's throne, and it only took two years. Ineligible, due to already being on Switch Online.
  6. Gex 64: Enter the Gecko (121st): I'm going to have to figure out what the deal is with Gex eventually. Feels like a disservice to VoidBurger to avoid his archaic barbs for too long. Eligible.
  7. Glover (145th): Gotta love the glove, or so I've been reliably informed. It's on the shortlist but right at the bottom with Quest 64 and the first Castlevania. Eligible.
  8. Starshot: Space Circus Fever (158th): This one I know next to nothing about, but it's Infogrames so I'm not expecting much. Eligible.
  9. Doraemon 2: Nobita to Hikari no Shinden (163rd): Doraemon's kind of a big deal, so it makes sense he has multiple games. That they're getting released a year apart doesn't make me hopeful about their quality, gotta say. Eligible.
  10. Chameleon Twist 2 (171st): Hmm, never played the sequel, maybe I should see if they improved on the formula? Eligible.
  11. A Bug's Life (176th): And here come the tie-ins. Pixar movies have always had a high bar for quality though I'm not sure that extends to these Activision video games. Eligible.
  12. Tonic Trouble (241st): Ancel's potion-quaffing madman was Ubisoft kicking the tires on the 3D platforming genre while putting the finishing touches on Rayman 2. Covered in Episode 24.
  13. Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko (248th): How undercover can a talking lizard get? How many other talking lizards are there? You think Blofeld's not going to notice a three-foot squamata dropping wisecracks about Marlon Brando's island? Eligible.
  14. Rayman 2: The Great Escape (259th): Rayman's second outing is his first in 3D, and fused Gallic whimsy with a great level of variety in the mission/level design. It's pretty legit. Covered in Episode 19.
  15. Rocket: Robot on Wheels (261st): Long before they Tsushima'd and InFamous'd, Sucker Punch burst out the gate swinging with the unexpectedly good if a little short Rocket: Robot on Wheels. Covered in Episode 27.
  16. Earthworm Jim 3D (261st): Crossing however many fingers I have that a certain space-faring annelid won't drop out the randomizer chute. Despite appearances suggesting otherwise, I do get concerned for my mental health. Eligible.
  17. Donkey Kong 64 (275th): Not the best 3D platformer collectathon on the N64, but certainly the most 3D platformer collectathon on the N64. This game's so long it isn't funny. Covered in Episode 13.
  18. Disney's Tarzan (301st): Question is if the official tie-in has better platforming than the Kingdom Hearts level. I'm going to guess there's way too much vine-swinging. Eligible.
  19. Doraemon 3: Nobita no Machi SOS! (332nd): With three games, I'm statistically more likely to hit a Doraemon than Earthworm Jim or Glover. Yet to find out if it's a better alternative. Eligible.
  20. Looney Tunes: Taz Express (333rd): How can they mess up Taz? I guess I'll find out if the randomizer ever makes me play this. It's by the Wetrix/Plok team, so I can afford to be a little hopeful. Eligible.
  21. Tom and Jerry in Fists of Furry (335th): That's... quite an evocative title all right. Please tell me they don't work together in this one, it's so antithetical to the premise. Eligible.
  22. Duck Dodgers Starring Daffy Duck (341st): An unprecedented amount of Looney Tunes so far. If it's not Capcom or Konami behind it though, I'm probably not interested. Eligible.
  23. Blues Brothers 2000 (347th): Still incensed I was made to play this terrible tie-in for a terrible movie. Nowhere to go but up, I suppose. Covered in Episode 12.
  24. Rugrats in Paris: The Movie (355th): Please, no. I ask for so little from you, RNG God, but please don't make me play the Rugrats movie tie-in game. I'll play Scavenger Hunt instead if I have to. Eligible.
  25. Banjo-Tooie (360th): The second Banjo-Kazooie game took a hard left turn from running around collecting objects by making everything take way longer to find. Gotta jump through more than a few hoops here. Covered in Episode 10.
  26. Spider-Man (361st): Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man doesn't really do a whole lot of platforming, but I'm at a loss to describe what kind of genre this high-altitude webswinging business falls under. Covered in Episode 8.
  27. Scooby-Doo! Classic Creep Capers (364th): Big nope for this one also. I have plenty of Classic Creep Capers to do back home. That reminds me, I should clean the lens on my telescope again. Eligible.
  28. Donald Duck Goin' Quackers (367th): Is Goin' Quackers going to stack up to other Donald Duck adventures like Maui Mallard or Quackshot? Is it better than Duck Dodgers? Will he wear pants in this one, most importantly? Eligible.
  29. Conker's Bad Fur Day (375th): The last 3D platformer on N64 is also its most sophisticated. You know what Rare platformers needed? More dick and poop jokes. Covered in Episode 22.

As for the games covered in this here episode, well, I did my usual due diligence in highlighting another flawed but intriguing game that came from my neck of the woods by another developer that would certainly find themselves rising up in the world some short time later. I'm not sure I'm any more positive on it this time than I was playing it back in its era, but it's the sort of rare anomaly I'm always happy to highlight on features like this. Meanwhile, the second game can take a long hop, skip, and jump off a short pier. By which I mean it's a Konami game, but not one of the interesting ones.

Before we begin, a refresher on the rules (now in haiku form):

  • N64 games. Two of them are played, reviewed. For, like, an hour each?
  • Quarterly updates. How much more must I suffer? Spring has just arrived.
  • How have the games aged? Whither their Switch revivals? I've answers for both.
  • Already on Switch? I must therefore forsake them. No fun is allowed.

And here's a big ol' table of past episodes to check out (and the same links can be found at the end too):

Episode 1Episode 2Episode 3Episode 4Episode 5
Episode 6Episode 7Episode 8Episode 9Episode 10
Episode 11Episode 12Episode 13Episode 14Episode 15
Episode 16Episode 17Episode 18Episode 19Episode 20
Episode 21Episode 22Episode 23Episode 24Episode 25
Episode 26Episode 27Episode 28Episode 29Episode 30
Episode 31Episode 32Episode 33Episode 34Episode 35

Body Harvest (Pre-Selected)

No Caption Provided

History: Body Harvest is one of two N64 games to come from DMA Design, the British company that would shortly thereafter become Rockstar North and the lucrative jewel in Take-Two Interactive's crown. We already covered the other one, Space Station Silicon Valley, a few episodes ago; Body Harvest was released first. Set in the far-flung future of 2016, Body Harvest sees an alternative version of Earth that has been plagued by regular extraterrestrial invasions which have been increasing in intensity over the past century, abducting and transforming hapless people into powerful alien shocktroopers called mutants. The enormous next wave looks to be the final nail in the coffin for humanity, so in their desperation the few human scientists and elites that remain in an orbital high-tech sanctuary space station decide to send a few genetically-enhanced super-soldiers into pivotal moments in Earth's past. The goal is to quell each successive alien invasion attempt in order to preserve mankind's future as well as give themselves a fighting chance against this incoming extinction-level threat. This was DMA Design's second original game for a Nintendo system, after Uniracers for SNES, and apparently they ran into no end of communication issues with the Japanese company trying to build it closer to their specifications.

Body Harvest is essentially what would result if you tried to turn the old Williams shoot 'em up Defender into a sort of 3D mission-based open-world action-adventure game in the vein of DMA Design's later Grand Theft Auto games starting with the third (which was released in October 2001, almost exactly three years later). It has a range of weapons and vehicles for you to find and use, contingent on the particular time era you were visiting, and a stressful pace to it where you had to quickly deal with the most dangerous alien type—the colossal Harvesters, which aim directly for the CPU civilians you're there to protect—while making sure not to cause too much collateral damage to the local buildings and populace in the process of saving them. Another way to think of the game would be like a prototypical Earth Defense Force with a focus on escort/protect missions. I bought this game back in the day and had always admired its innovations more than I particularly enjoyed playing it, so I'm curious to give it another shot some two decades later knowing how many similar games it eventually preempted.

16 Minutes In

Thanks for the tip, R.O.B.. Any idea which of all these gray mountains is the red one?
Thanks for the tip, R.O.B.. Any idea which of all these gray mountains is the red one?

Man, I think it's easy to forget how novel a fully open-world 3D map with buildings and NPCs to visit and a series of missions to pursue was back in 1998. There's precedent, of course—a game for 8-bit computers called Mercenary was doing something similar as far back as 1985, albeit with wireframe vector graphics—but there's more going on with the world design here than just a giant urban playground to shoot alien bugs in. To get past the first obstacle you have to enter this dude's house (we're in Greece circa 1915 by the by) and hit a lever to lower a bridge. You can eventually enter a hangar on top of a hill that has a machine gun in it, to replace the starting pistol if it's proving too slow for the task at hand. Enemies usually just warp in and start attacking you whenever you wander close enough to their trigger points, though other groups will proactively appear in nearby settlements to start harvesting bodies (ohhhhh, I just got the name) that you have to quickly drop everything to go handle. Controls-wise it's pretty intuitive, with the Z-trigger used for shooting and the camera doing its best to auto-follow you. C-Up toggles the camera view to close-up or zoomed-out (I'm keeping it on the latter) while C-Down lets you enter and exit nearby vehicles.

Jumping into a vehicle is a good idea, not only because you move across the map faster but because they offer a second layer of health that enemies have to whittle down. Vehicles also have fuel considerations though, so unless you pick up bonus gas tanks you might have to abandon your current car to grab another. Right now, I'm following the map in an anti-clockwise manner, starting from the center and working my north and then west with designs to eventually head south and around to the east: I get regular mission updates from both a robot and a cyberpunk lady with a pink bob, neither of whom have introduced themselves yet, so I'm kinda following their lead.

32 Minutes In

I'm not sure tanks looked like this in 1916 but it's not like anyone's batting an eye at my orange space armor so I guess it's fine. You can just about see the edge of the shield up there; the ultimate goal here is to take down the generator to free this region.
I'm not sure tanks looked like this in 1916 but it's not like anyone's batting an eye at my orange space armor so I guess it's fine. You can just about see the edge of the shield up there; the ultimate goal here is to take down the generator to free this region.

Oh yeah, a lot of this is coming back to me now. The previous screenshot involved reaching the mountain area up north but that meant destroying a boulder with some TNT I, uh, liberated from the same cave underneath the hangar I got the machine gun. With the way clear, I was able to talk the elderly retired General MacKenzie to lend me the keys to the hangar itself. However, before I could reach it I was informed of a Harvester attack on the local town. Now, so far the game's been moving at a pace of my own choosing, but Harvester warnings are a different matter: you have about thirty seconds to make your way to where they're due to show up and if you dawdle too long after that the gauge at the bottom left (where the face is) starts filling up. This represents how many people have been killed or converted so far, and your overall success depends on keeping it low. I definitely dawdled, having forgotten this part of the game, and paid the price. I also didn't get the firetruck back to the flaming buildings in time to put them out so that's another hit to my score.

Since then, I was able to resume my original questline of using the General's key to open the hangar and acquire this WW1 Imperial German tank. It's necessary as the aliens have a shielded outpost further south that needs some serious firepower to shift. I'm going to try to get as much use out of this thing as possible, even once the barricade is clear.

48 Minutes In

Just a regular ol' space marine going into a dungeon to steal a priceless artifact with which to fry a whole invasion force through the divine power of Helios. Tsk, all these same old ideas.
Just a regular ol' space marine going into a dungeon to steal a priceless artifact with which to fry a whole invasion force through the divine power of Helios. Tsk, all these same old ideas.

So, a small correction. The Shield Generator is the big target for the mission and sits in the direct center of the map, presently inaccessible. What I was heading towards in my tank was an Alien Processor, a mini-boss that resembled an enormous insect torso sticking out of the ground firing balls of plasma at me. Without the tank I'm pretty sure I would've struggled to defeat it before running out of health. The tank is fairly sturdy, and is also packing its own weaponry which takes precedence over my dinky laser pistol. Of course, I'd then go on to lose it by hopping into a different tank with more fuel, getting ambushed by the obvious trap, and losing both that tank and my original one which had been knocked off the map by the sudden alien presence and dunked into the Mediterranean. Being underwater does a tank no good, turns out.

Fortunately, defeating any Alien Processor produces a save beacon, so I can always reload if I felt like getting the tank back. I've since found a Bulldog armored vehicle which is more or less the same thing but faster, so I'm all set for now. The current mission is to relight a Talos colossus's torch to open an underground passage between land masses, which has me looking for a mystical sun shield in this mountaintop cave capable of directing sunlight into a powerful beam. You know, regular sci-fi stuff.

64 Minutes In

I'm not saying Eiji Aonuma took one look at this sunlight reflection shield and decided Ocarina of Time needed to have it, but I wouldn't have blamed him either way.
I'm not saying Eiji Aonuma took one look at this sunlight reflection shield and decided Ocarina of Time needed to have it, but I wouldn't have blamed him either way.

The sun shield is an infinite-use laser weapon in addition to a quest item used for a specific puzzle, so I'm making sure to use it whenever I'm on-foot. Now in the southern part of the map, the next task is to find a boat and open the waterway gate to reach the next Alien Processor, out sitting on another island somewhere. I can swim, but only for a few seconds before sinking: this dumb orange Laser Tag armor is heavier than it looks. The nearby operator for the gate says he needs a cog that was purloined by the local miller, but the path to the windmill is blocked by a landslide. Unlike last time, when I shifted the landslide with a pack of TNT, nothing seems to be shifting this barrier and so I'm a bit stuck for what to do. Or, at least, I would be if I was playing this for real. Since we've hit our limit here I guess that problem can go unsolved.

While the game's combat isn't super enticing—you just have to turn around to get an enemy in position and auto-aim them to explode-y oblivion—the diverse set of tasks the game has for me makes this game a little more interesting than it would first seem given the elevator pitch. I don't imagine the map is full of collectibles and secrets to find, necessarily, but I did pick up some useful supplies by robbing people's houses and . There's some nice attention to detail also: the protagonist gets shot in the arm escaping the sanctuary space station during the opening cinematic, and whenever you see a close-up of his in-game model there's a notable scar on the same arm. Warping back to the start (which you can do at any beacon) lets you talk to your companions and learn some useful tutorial stuff, which is a nice touch. We're at that point in video game history in 1998 where the games themselves are starting to take over from the manuals, imparting necessary gameplay information via some in-game means (though I imagine much of this is also prompted by the jump to 3D and the added layer of complexity that brings; better to ensure as many failsafes as possible).

How Well Has It Aged?: Not Too Shabby. Obviously it feels a bit antiquated compared to the open-world games that came later, but in much the same way that Super Mario 64 was a pioneer for the 3D platformer genre it feels like Body Harvest experimented with some open-world tech that DMA Design would put to better use in GTA3, which of course then led to pretty much the whole open-world action game genre as we know it. I'm not going to say it's an integral piece of history for that reason alone, as much of what made GTA 3's map navigation and mission structure tick was already extant in the earlier GTA games, but it is kinda enlightening as a half-step. Dunno if Body Harvest something I ever feel like playing through again but the regular surprises—like that frickin' sun shield right out of Ocarina of Time (though Body Harvest came first)—were a welcome presence and hopefully something the game keeps tossing your way throughout.

Chance of Switch Online Inclusion: Within the Realm of Possibility. Not only does Rockstar North still exist but it's one of the biggest developers in the world, so it'd be a minor ask to have them put a version of Body Harvest out there for newer generations to check out. The question is whether they'd want to make the effort, or even if Nintendo could afford whatever deal Take-Two might suggest for the exclusivity rights given the Rockstar name carries a lot of weight these days.

Retro Achievements Earned: 3 of 65. They're almost all progression-based, but there's eight reserved for collectibles. Huh. I guess the game does have a few.

International Track & Field 2000 / Ganbare! Nippon! Olympics 2000 (Random)

No Caption Provided
  • KCEO / Konami
  • 2000-06-01 (NA), 2000-07-13 (JP), 2000-09-06 (EU)
  • 327th N64 Game Released

History: International Track & Field 2000 belongs to a venerable series of athletics games put out by Konami, starting all the way back in 1983 with the original arcade Track & Field. That game received a semi-notorious NES port that would wear down controllers with its button-mashing takes on various Olympic running sports. In Japan, these games are all licensed as official Olympics tie-ins—hence the 2000 here, the year the Summer Olympic Games were held in Sydney, Australia—though those licenses didn't normally extend to international markets. Suffice it to say, even if International Track & Field 2000 probably won't be mentioning the Olympics too often for legal reasons, it still very much embodies that same medal-chasing, global contest of speed and stamina that we all pretend we're interested in every four years. We've bumped into Konami enough times now: this would be the sixth time the capricious Japanese "spachinko" giant has appeared on this feature, and the fifth time for its Osakan branch KCEO. As a reminder, KCEO handled the N64 Goemon games but was largely responsible for Konami's many sports franchises. There's still eleven more of their games we might encounter, at least one of which is another Olympics game (albeit of the Winter variety).

I'm... largely ambivalent about drawing this one from the randomizer. If I had my druthers I wouldn't be touching the N64's proliferant library of sports games at all, but I've decided to give some slack to sports that have yet to be featured on 64 in 64. The button-mashing aspect bothers me a little of course—I'd rather not lose my ailing DS4 to an ancient Konami Olympics game of all things—but at least there should be enough events across an hour's gameplay that I won't be hurting for variety; if an event sucks to play, and I suspect many of them will, I can just switch over to something else rather than try to stick it out the whole sixty-four minutes. I think I might dedicate this playthrough to a Mr. Ryan Davis, as the tenth anniversary of his passing is coming up and I know he had a soft spot for Olympics video games: he even tried to make it a feature on the site at one point.

16 Minutes In

You can adjust the weight for this event (and the bar's height in the jumping events) to aim for a higher position on the chart table right off the bat, though it's a good idea to get warmed up with something attainable first.
You can adjust the weight for this event (and the bar's height in the jumping events) to aim for a higher position on the chart table right off the bat, though it's a good idea to get warmed up with something attainable first.

Man, am I glad I'm not playing this on a N64 controller. I started with the first two listed events—High Jump and Weightlifting—and both naturally require quickly mashing two buttons consecutively to build power. Alas, in Konami's infinite wisdom these two buttons happen to be the C-Left and C-Right buttons, rather than something sensible like the A and B or waggling the analog stick (which is what I've been doing, since the C-buttons are automatically mapped to the right stick on a contemporary two-stick controller). Fosbury flop-sweating my way through the High Jump required building running speed with the mashing, holding the Z trigger in the jump zone to establish the angle, releasing to jump, and then hitting Z again mid-jump to tuck in my legs to clear the bar. Pretty straightforward stuff yet surprisingly easy to fuck up all the same. Weightlifting's a little more involved: first you build power for the clean, a second time for the jerk, and finally for a third time to hold the barbell in the air for the necessary three seconds for the attempt to count. Nothing too complex either but it's very intensive with both the timing and the feverish mashing involved. Dang, though, if it hasn't been a real long time since I got to clean and jerk anything that wasn't my- oh right, I forgot, people can read this.

A little poking around indicates that there are ten events available at the start with four more to be unlocked. Unlocking the first two secret events requires that I get at least bronze in all the ones presently available, so I guess that's what I'll aim for with the time I have here. If you're curious about the represented countries, the game has surprisingly few: the US, Canada, China, Japan, the UK, France, Germany, Russia, Australia, Italy, Spain, aaaaand Kenya for some reason (Kenya tends to do very well in long-distance running events, and of course none of those are included here). All events exclusively involve male athletes with a single exception I'll probably get to later.

32 Minutes In

'What did you just call me? Don't you know I rowed in the coxless fours at Oxbridge-Upon-Thames University?'
'What did you just call me? Don't you know I rowed in the coxless fours at Oxbridge-Upon-Thames University?'

In this segment I managed to complete Weightlifting (which I was struggling with earlier) and now the Javelin Throw. I only had the patience to get the bronze for the High Jump and Weightlifting, but Javelin was an easy gold which suggests there's some difficulty fluctuation with these events. Next is the Hurdles, which is notoriously one of the harder mini-games in the original NES Track & Field, so fingers crossed I won't faceplant too many times trying to earn a lofty spot on the results table.

Since I have the option to reconfigure the controls—not in-game but, you know, the option's there regardless—I've decided to switch the horizontal C-buttons from the right analog stick to the two unused face buttons. Reason being that if my DS4's analog sticks develop any more drift someone's going to cast them in the next Initial D adaptation. Thinking back to why this game opted for the slightly stiffer C-buttons for all its toggle-mashing, I'm guessing it was half for keeping things relatively tough so kids don't get all the golds in the same afternoon that they bought the game and half for not wanting players to rip that already fragile-looking solo analog stick right out of the N64 controller. It's possible Nintendo had a few quiet words with Konami after its playtesters destroyed their hundredth plastic trident that month. Speaking of difficulty, while every event has its own neat wireframe tutorial for the controls (which have all been dependent on the C-buttons and the Z trigger so far) there's still some trial-and-error nonsense going down. The High Jump gave you an indicated zone for when you were meant to start jumping, but the Javelin's been more along the lines of "just eye it and use your best judgment, dawg" which has meant a lot of fouls as I stumble over the penalty line like an uncoordinated chump. I don't know how laissez-faire you want to be when monitoring people yeeting around giant pointy sticks, but then I only moderate the Giant Bomb chat and not the Olympics. For the moment, at least.

48 Minutes In

Here I am in the bottom lane, way out ahead of the pack. I finished seventh. Looks can be deceiving in the water, I guess.
Here I am in the bottom lane, way out ahead of the pack. I finished seventh. Looks can be deceiving in the water, I guess.

Well, now the chickens are coming home to roost. The next two events happened to be the first two races of the game: the 110m Hurdles and the 100m Freestyle Swimming. It's also when the button-mashing reaches fever-pitch level, and I'm going to be the tartest of sour grapes and suggest that the emulator accuracy is perhaps what's holding me back here. The hurdles include the hurdle that is, well, hurdles, as failing to get the perfect timing on them causes you to lose time. What's real messed up is that you can actually win the race against the CPU competitors on-screen and still be informed after the fact that you came dead last somehow. As with the other events, it's not so much how well you're doing against the opponents you can see but against those you can't: eleven other fuckers managed to pip me every time with these damn hurdles. Swimming's easier since it's just endurance mashing and no timing of any sort, but I still couldn't finish any higher than fourth place. To clarify, you don't win anything if you come fourth, and you're instead required to pay the Olympics committee a tithe for wasting their time and once back in your home country people will refuse to look you in the eye and deny you service. That's if they don't just throw you in the river while pelting you with local vegetables. These ladies are having a hard enough time as is without worrying about waking up in the Danube covered in turnip welts.

Anyhoo, my all-bronze dreams might be over but I've got too many events left to clear in time regardless. I'll be skipping over the third and final race, the 100m Dash, and probably just stick to throwing shit. Like my controller if this gets any more frustrating.

64 Minutes In

Here I am performing the World Record Breaker jig, otherwise known as the 'Looking Over a Tall Counter' dance.
Here I am performing the World Record Breaker jig, otherwise known as the 'Looking Over a Tall Counter' dance.

This last segment saw me blast through two more events—the Hammer Throw and the Pole Vault—to end the playthrough on a relative high note. Hammer Throw was an aberration in that it actually brought the Control Stick to the fore: you need to spin the stick rapidly to build momentum before holding the Z trigger to adjust the angle for a perfect 45 degree throw. It also means hitting the Z trigger as the spinning cursor is in the right quadrant of the circle cursor, or you'll end up throwing it into the crowd and causing no end of diplomatic incidents with the good people of Australia. Confusingly, the Control Stick spins don't correspond to the five spins your character is allowed before they can throw; rather, you're meant to spin it around way more than that to build the ideal amount of force. The Pole Vault, meanwhile, was all timing: first you had to build the requisite toggle power until it feels like your hand is about to detach, and then it's a matter of hitting Z for the jump and Z for the tuck as you reach the apex to clear the bar. The window for both of these Z presses gets bigger the more speed you build up beforehand; something similar was the case for many of the other events too. That means that, more than anything else, Konami really wants you to wiggle with the best of 'em.

The final result after seven events (sorry 100m Dash, Horizontal Bar, and Long Jump) is two bronzes, three golds, two DNQs, plus a World Record in the Pole Vault. Suffice it to say I wasn't anywhere near unlocking the two events that needed all bronzes, Triple Jump and Breast Stroke, though I guess those are pretty similar to some others I've seen already. There's also one event that is unlocked with all silvers, the Vault, and one for all golds, Trap Shooting. Kinda wanted to take a shot at some Not-Duck Hunt, but I guess that's only for the big dogs. The big Olympiad dogs. I'm also curious if any of these other events have female athletes: seems odd to go to the trouble making those models for just one event. (Especially as, given what Ubisoft has told us in the past, women are almost impossible to render in 3D. Polygonal boobs are the 3D graphics equivalent of dividing by zero.)

How Well Has It Aged?: As Well As My Analog Stick After All That Abuse (Not a Euphemism, Thanks). I didn't hate International Track & Field 2000. It's pretty annoying—especially with how capricious it can be with its timed prompts, how obtuse it is about when exactly to hit them, and to reiterate once again no controller is worth sacrificing for all this—but there's a certain slick competency that comes from making the same game over and over for almost twenty years (by 2000, anyway), it didn't involve memorizing a bunch of stupid rules like other sports games, and I certainly got myself a much needed workout from hammering those buttons like I was a Swiftie trying to access Ticketmaster. Man, though, could I see myself being completely done with it after just a few more minutes. If only Mario and Sonic could be involved somehow...

Chance of Switch Online Inclusion: More Like No-lympics. No-one's going to resurrect a game based on the 2000 Summer Games, not when there's newer and nicer games based on the 2024 Summer Games just around the corner. It would also mean convincing Konami to get involved and though they do seem to be turning over a new leaf with recent video game development news it's probably still too much to expect them to put anything onto the N64 Switch Online library, let alone a game as instantly outdated as this.

Retro Achievements Earned: None available.

Current Ranking

  1. Super Mario 64 (Ep. 1)
  2. Diddy Kong Racing (Ep. 6)
  3. Perfect Dark (Ep. 19)
  4. Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon (Ep. 3)
  5. Donkey Kong 64 (Ep. 13)
  6. Space Station Silicon Valley (Ep. 17)
  7. Goemon's Great Adventure (Ep. 9)
  8. Bomberman Hero (Ep. 26)
  9. Pokémon Snap (Ep. 11)
  10. Rayman 2: The Great Escape (Ep. 19)
  11. Banjo-Tooie (Ep. 10)
  12. Rocket: Robot on Wheels (Ep. 27)
  13. Mischief Makers (Ep. 5)
  14. Super Smash Bros. (Ep. 25)
  15. Mega Man 64 (Ep. 18)
  16. Wetrix (Ep. 21)
  17. Harvest Moon 64 (Ep. 15)
  18. Hybrid Heaven (Ep. 12)
  19. Blast Corps (Ep. 4)
  20. Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards (Ep. 2)
  21. Ogre Battle 64: Person of Lordly Caliber (Ep. 4)
  22. Tonic Trouble (Ep. 24)
  23. Snowboard Kids (Ep. 16)
  24. Spider-Man (Ep. 8)
  25. Bomberman 64 (Ep. 8)
  26. Jet Force Gemini (Ep. 16)
  27. Shadowgate 64: Trials of the Four Towers (Ep. 7)
  28. Body Harvest (Ep. 28)
  29. Aidyn Chronicles: The First Mage (Ep. 20)
  30. Conker's Bad Fur Day (Ep. 22)
  31. BattleTanx: Global Assault (Ep. 13)
  32. Hot Wheels Turbo Racing (Ep. 9)
  33. San Francisco Rush 2049 (Ep. 4)
  34. Fighter Destiny 2 (Ep. 6)
  35. Big Mountain 2000 (Ep. 18)
  36. Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness (Ep. 14)
  37. Tetris 64 (Ep. 1)
  38. Milo's Astro Lanes (Ep. 23)
  39. International Track & Field 2000 (Ep. 28)
  40. NBA Live '99 (Ep. 3)
  41. Rampage 2: Universal Tour (Ep. 5)
  42. Command & Conquer (Ep. 17)
  43. International Superstar Soccer '98 (Ep. 23)
  44. South Park Rally (Ep. 2)
  45. Armorines: Project S.W.A.R.M. (Ep. 7)
  46. Eikou no St. Andrews (Ep. 1)
  47. Rally Challenge 2000 (Ep. 10)
  48. Monster Truck Madness 64 (Ep. 11)
  49. F-1 World Grand Prix II (Ep. 3)
  50. F1 Racing Championship (Ep. 2)
  51. Sesame Street: Elmo's Number Journey (Ep. 14)
  52. Wheel of Fortune (Ep. 24)
  53. Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero (Ep. 15)
  54. Mario no Photopi (Ep. 20)
  55. Blues Brothers 2000 (Ep. 12)
  56. Dark Rift (Ep. 25)
  57. Mace: The Dark Age (Ep. 27)
  58. Bio F.R.E.A.K.S. (Ep. 21)
  59. Madden Football 64 (Ep. 26)
  60. Transformers: Beast Wars Transmetals (Ep. 22)
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borgmaster

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I want you to know, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, that for every finger you cross hoping that Earthworm Jim 3D doesn't pop out of the randomizer, I'm crossing a finger and a toe hoping that it does.

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Mento

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#2 Mento  Moderator

@borgmaster: The random pick for next month is indeed a bad-looking 3D platformer involving a dude in a spacesuit, so we got terrifyingly close there. Almost feels like karma for writing that list (especially since it's a game I didn't include).

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jeffrud

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An outstanding question I have is will your "big" N64 "RPG" order line up with ours over at Deep Listens? Hybrid Heaven > Quest 64 > Aidyn Chronicles specifically.

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Mento

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#4 Mento  Moderator

@jeffrud: No spoilers, but I'm probably going to be a bit kinder to Aidyn over Quest 64 because I haven't spent any money on the former. That said, I may still end up having some residual nostalgic affection for dumb little Brian and his magic stick so who knows.

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chamurai

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I never understood how Olympics games worked on consoles. I always had the same issues as you that no matter how well I thought I was hitting the buttons, I would always trip on those damn hurdles or mess up a long jump and just barely reach the sand. I applaud your determination on completing as many events as you have and look forward to your next blog.

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Manburger

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#6  Edited By Manburger

new nintendo dawn

the creaking analog stick

ravages my palm

Gonna need a cigarette and shower after all that stick twirlin'. And yes, big ups to a true Olympian! ♥ May Rider forever meet Horse. Another excellent entry in this series!

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@jeffrud said:

An outstanding question I have is will your "big" N64 "RPG" order line up with ours over at Deep Listens? Hybrid Heaven > Quest 64 > Aidyn Chronicles specifically.

Surprised that you did not run through the history of Body Harvest having one of the most tortured development cycles in all of video games.

Because Jesus Christ... the stories that have emerged about the game of telephone Rockstar North played with Nintendo sounds like a complete nightmare.