I'd like to start off by apologizing to everyone if this post seems barely coherent. My emotions are kind of a mess right now, but I have to get this off my chest even if it means just tossing it our into the void that is the internet.
I'm a 33 year old man who has a Master's degree in electrical engineering. I've had a steady job for over 10 years at a major aerospace company. Money is not an issue for me and I am physically well. I should be considered a "success" and enjoying the prime of my life. Instead, I'm an emotional and mental wreck of a human being.
I grew up under Chinese parents who immigrated to the US in the 80s. While I can't say they were physically abusive, the authoritarian nature of their parenting has left some pretty deep seated scars. It's the sort of parenting that demands perfection and being "right" and if you deviate, you get yelled at. It's the sort of parenting that's cold, clinical, and ruled by fear; I have only ever heard my dad tell me he loves me twice in my entire life. Hell, almost every time I've had a serious conversation with my parents, it has ended with me in tears, and yes, this still happens today. Needless to say, I was emotionally withdrawn and never was able to make many friends or lasting connections while I was a kid (the shitty public school system in this country didn't help), and this trend has gotten worse as I've grown order. Even now, I can barely hold a conversation with another human being and if I do manage that, I usually wind up repeating myself or fumbling over my words. I have few friends and sure as shit don't have a girlfriend. I tried bringing up mental illness with my dad about a year ago and got shrugged off.
I made the very stupid choice of moving back with my parents after college since the job I got was near where I went to high school(so of course moving in with them would save me money!). All that did was make me more dependent on them and more withdrawn from people. My motivation has been shot to shit and I can barely get my ass to do anything remotely productive anymore. The news and internet are both hellscapes and I spent way too much time looking at both. I work at a job that I quite frankly hate, and that I continue to keep because I know I'll get shit from my parents if I dare to quit it without having something else lined up, and this is despite having a major nest egg from barely spending any of my fucking money. Video games are the one thing that has helped me escape from all this garbage, and are one of my only passions in life, but they take up pretty much all the time I should be using to getting the hell out of here.
Anyway, I'm not sure what my point was in making this topic, and if you made it this far, thank you for reading this hot mess of a post that I spent an hour (!!) writing. Things have been getting more and more tense in my family over the past year and it kinda boiled over a bit this morning. I'll admit that I haven't been a very good son, but it's just so damn hard with these people. I guess I just had to unload this baggage somewhere. At least Doom Eternal looks amazing?