A Serious question about love...

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Jax

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#1  Edited By Jax

I don't want to turn this into a typical "LOVE" thread, but more to the point I need some opinions.

I'll keep this short, and won't drag anything out.

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, we're 22, and our relationship is pretty good. I love her dearly but there is a big problem for me - we don't have sex. She's a devout catholic and I'm not religious. We had sex when we first dated, and I took her virginity. She was pretty willing at that point, but it really stuck with her since then. We haven't had sex for about 1 year 4 months (I'm counting).

I have had other sexual relationships before her, but I was her first. She wants to wait until we tie the knot down the road (4-5 years). And it's not that we just don't have sex... we don't do anything except kiss. And it FRUSTRATES me so much. I love her, and I show it to her, yet my body is.... seriously, I don't think I can take it much longer. I tell her all of the time how hard it is to not even touch one another (fool around) and she says it makes us stronger.

She is the love of my life, but it's causing a rift between us. I can't simply be content with kissing at 22. Seriously, I feel like I'm in elementary school. I hate to think that the fact for me breaking up with her is over the lack of sex, but it's really driving me crazy.

Plus, in order to get married to her I have to become Catholic according to her mom. Be baptized, go to church, study in catholic school and then take confirmation. I.... I don't want to do that either. I don't believe in a God and that's my choice. I've told her "why should I fake it?" and she says "its for our children, so they don't grow up in a broken home."

So what do I do? Please don't post stupid remarks, I'm looking for some genuine input here guys. Thanks.

EDIT - WAY WRONG FORUM. Can a forum mod move this to OT? Didn't even notice I posted in it general. Thanks.

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deactivated-5b3f096aee80a

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Hey Jax! I thought we talked about this already lol. Like I said when we talked about this before; alk to her damnit. :)

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Jax

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#3  Edited By Jax

We talked about this?? When, where? I did talk to her bro, and she won't budge!!! At all. If I end it I would feel very bad, but then again, I'm 22 you know? Eh, this is hard.

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Black_Rose

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#4  Edited By Black_Rose

You gotta ask yourself if you love her enough to wait till marry, if you just think about sex and leave her because you ain't getting any then you don't really love her

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Relys

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#5  Edited By Relys

This is why being in a group of nondenominational Christians rock. I feel sorry that you'll have to commit to something you don't believe in to be with the person you love.

Your children will be in a broken home if you have to lie about religion. (Oxymoron much)? If you can both respect each others beliefs and agree to bring up your children as Christians, that would be the obvious better choice.

In the mean time, how about doing... "Other things besides sex that are like sex"?

Anyways, my sage advise is a little impaired right now being a bit sleepy. I wish you the best of luck.

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Clean

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#6  Edited By Clean

yea black rose is right, you gotta do what you gotta do.

 Talk to her about it. It also looks like you have to support her beliefs but I understand where your coming from. You should express your frustration by explaining her why can't it be like it was used to be. I am a little puzzled how she did a flip-switch on you by becoming a devouted Catholic. Its looks like you really care for so express your feelings toward it and tell her your losing your mind about it.

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Jax

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#7  Edited By Jax
Relys said:
"This is why being in a group of nondenominational Christians rock. I feel sorry that you'll have to commit to something you don't believe in to be with the person you love.

How about doing... "Other things besides sex that are like sex"?"

I agree mate, I feel as if I've given her my heart but it can't be official unless I pretend to believe in God.

And yeah, she won't mess around at all either. I can't even touch the mellons. Can you believe that? I'm 22, been to war and back, and I can't even show my love physically.

This is why I'm in a binding situation.
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Termite

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#8  Edited By Termite

I think you have to realize Jax, that if she doesn't accept your beliefs as well then maybe she's not the one for you. Pretending to believe in God is just wrong.

Of course compromise is important too. Maybe you two can settle some sort of middleground.

Not that I have any relationship experience, but I think this is good advice.

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Thrawn1

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#9  Edited By Thrawn1

here's a question you might think about or even ask her:

why is you "pretending to believe in god" just as good in her's (and parent's) eyes as actually believing in god? if the whole point of you becoming catholic is to make the wedding "official," won't your pretending to be a catholic make it "unofficial" or "insincere?"

it seems like a god wouldn't be able to be tricked like that. she would probably agree on that point.

it also seems like this is less of a "religious" issue and more of a "ancient traditions" issue. if you can get her to realize that point, the situation might get easier to deal with or make a compromise with.

did i make any sense at all?

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BiffMcBlumpkin

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#10  Edited By BiffMcBlumpkin

Honestly, I just totally read the title as "A Senior's question a

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Jax

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#11  Edited By Jax
Thrawn said:
"here's a question you might think about or even ask her:

why is you "pretending to believe in god" just as good in her's (and parent's) eyes as actually believing in god? if the whole point of you becoming catholic is to make the wedding "official," won't your pretending to be a catholic make it "unofficial" or "insincere?"

it seems like a god wouldn't be able to be tricked like that. she would probably agree on that point.

it also seems like this is less of a "religious" issue and more of a "ancient traditions" issue. if you can get her to realize that point, the situation might get easier to deal with or make a compromise with.

did i make any sense at all?"

You and termite make some very strong points which I am going to bring up to her about becoming Catholic.

I dont understand it. If I don't believe in God, then thats my CHOICE. That will not affect my children. My buddy made a good point, he said "if they were real hardcore about it, then why not make sure you were catholic before letting you date their daughter. Not only do you have to do the mans job now, you need to do what they want and believe in something that you really don't."
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Black_Rose

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#12  Edited By Black_Rose
Thrawn said:
"here's a question you might think about or even ask her:

why is you "pretending to believe in god" just as good in her's (and parent's) eyes as actually believing in god? if the whole point of you becoming catholic is to make the wedding "official," won't your pretending to be a catholic make it "unofficial" or "insincere?"

it seems like a god wouldn't be able to be tricked like that. she would probably agree on that point.

it also seems like this is less of a "religious" issue and more of a "ancient traditions" issue. if you can get her to realize that point, the situation might get easier to deal with or make a compromise with.

did i make any sense at all?"

I agree, if she makes you believe in something you don't (or want to) believe she doesn't really love you. 
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Thrawn1

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#13  Edited By Thrawn1

i hate to say this, but the children thing probably is a big issue. what happens when your kid asks you about God? Do you tell the truth, or cater to the other side of the family?

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Thrawn1

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#14  Edited By Thrawn1
Black_Rose said:
"Thrawn said:
"here's a question you might think about or even ask her:

why is you "pretending to believe in god" just as good in her's (and parent's) eyes as actually believing in god? if the whole point of you becoming catholic is to make the wedding "official," won't your pretending to be a catholic make it "unofficial" or "insincere?"

it seems like a god wouldn't be able to be tricked like that. she would probably agree on that point.

it also seems like this is less of a "religious" issue and more of a "ancient traditions" issue. if you can get her to realize that point, the situation might get easier to deal with or make a compromise with.

did i make any sense at all?"

I agree, if she makes you believe in something you don't (or want to) believe she doesn't really love you. "
i wouldn't go that far...she's just under a whole shit-load of pressure from her parents.
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Black_Rose

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#15  Edited By Black_Rose
Thrawn said:
"i wouldn't go that far...she's just under a whole shit-load of pressure from her parents."

Yeah, but she can't make him something he's not, just as he can't make him become atheist. They have to accept eachother.
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#16  Edited By AlexB

Have you asked her to do "other things" HJ or BJ (trying to be discreet) I know that's not the same, but short of getting married, i seems like you're SOL. Sex can really make or break a relationship, so i wouldn't let it be a Huge issue with you too, just express to her that its really important to you and if she still says no, then well you probably need to leave it alone. Otherwise it can complicate things.

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Thrawn1

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#17  Edited By Thrawn1

here's the whole problem, you don't get to just randomly pick a belief. if you offered me a million dollars to believe in unicorns, the best i could do is lie and say i believed in them. beliefs are obtained after getting "life experience."

she's asking you do to something impossible. my hunch is that she knows that it's impossible, but asks anyway because there's too much pressure coming from her parents/upbringing.

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Jax

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#18  Edited By Jax
Thrawn said:
"here's the whole problem, you don't get to just randomly pick a belief. if you offered me a million dollars to believe in unicorns, the best i could do is lie and say i believed in them. beliefs are obtained after getting "life experience."

she's asking you do to something impossible. my hunch is that she knows that it's impossible, but asks anyway because there's too much pressure coming from her parents/upbringing."

Indeed, you, alexb, homer and blackrose are all correct. This religious thing is much bigger than the sex thing.

Everyday I talk to her "did you call church and set up the classes?" and everytime I see her mom she asks in spanish "did you call them?". The family is hispanic, I'm white - and they really really really believe in god. They go to chuch every night of the week, and pray together for 2 hours before bed. I cant... I cant fake a beliefe. I just cant...
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deactivated-5b3f096aee80a

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Jax said:
"We talked about this?? When, where? I did talk to her bro, and she won't budge!!! At all. If I end it I would feel very bad, but then again, I'm 22 you know? Eh, this is hard."
In the chat a week or so back, about the cell phone thing remember.

But really you just have to sit down and have a long emotional talk. You need to dig into her so she really understands it, and vice versa.
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Black_Rose

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#20  Edited By Black_Rose
Jax said:
"Indeed, you, alexb, homer and blackrose are all correct. This religious thing is much bigger than the sex thing.

Everyday I talk to her "did you call church and set up the classes?" and everytime I see her mom she asks in spanish "did you call them?". The family is hispanic, I'm white - and they really really really believe in god. They go to chuch every night of the week, and pray together for 2 hours before bed. I cant... I cant fake a beliefe. I just cant..."
Have you tried talking to her parents? Maybe they'll understand, who knows.
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SpecTackle

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#21  Edited By SpecTackle
Jax said:
"Thrawn said:
"here's the whole problem, you don't get to just randomly pick a belief. if you offered me a million dollars to believe in unicorns, the best i could do is lie and say i believed in them. beliefs are obtained after getting "life experience."

she's asking you do to something impossible. my hunch is that she knows that it's impossible, but asks anyway because there's too much pressure coming from her parents/upbringing."

Indeed, you, alexb, homer and blackrose are all correct. This religious thing is much bigger than the sex thing.

Everyday I talk to her "did you call church and set up the classes?" and everytime I see her mom she asks in spanish "did you call them?". The family is hispanic, I'm white - and they really really really believe in god. They go to chuch every night of the week, and pray together for 2 hours before bed. I cant... I cant fake a beliefe. I just cant..."
I've been through that. If she is completely obedient of her faith and of her family, it will not work if you are unable to at the very minimum fake it. It will cause unbelievable turmoil in the family and between the two of you, and that's a lot of bullshit to avoid. If she's not open minded enough to allow you to live your own life with your own beliefs, it's likely that it isn't the only thing she'd expect you to change.
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#22  Edited By AlexB

Not to insult and I don't mean any offense by this, but you two are kind of an odd couple than. Usually two strong believers will get together. I guess all you can do is be honest about it. Be nice, but just say that you respect it, but it's just not for you. I think you can make it work, just separate yourself from that portion of her life from yours. Curious: why are you together/why do you love her. It just seems like a weird relationship. lol again no offense.

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#23  Edited By serbsta

Honestly, tell her that she needs to accept you for who you are and that youre leaving if she doesnt. Think about it, if she loves you she would do it.

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Jax

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#24  Edited By Jax

Well, I was her first boyfriend ever, still am. We met last year when I got out of the Army, (we had gone to highschool together but never talked).

We just instantly took a liking to one another. At that time she was more obidenant towards me, in a way. She would really look up to me and my choices and follow me. But then... I had sex with her and we did that for about the first month of the relationship and then she told me she betrayed her faith and would never let herself down like that again. Ever since then she has been more closed off to me, not really trusting. No physical stuff, and if I ask or try to make a move then its "all you care about is sex chris, that's it."

I hold on to her because, it's more emotional support for myself. I still have flashbacks from Iraq, and when we started dating that's the same month I finished my tour. So I tried to assemelate back into normal life this past year and she's been there as support. We have a close bond together, but the sex thing is just too much for her to handle. She believes in husband and wife making love, not boyfriend and girlfriend. But to me, I just can't deal with the lack of physicality anymore. It's honestly breaking me down.

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SonicBomb

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#25  Edited By SonicBomb
Jax said:
"Thrawn said:
"here's the whole problem, you don't get to just randomly pick a belief. if you offered me a million dollars to believe in unicorns, the best i could do is lie and say i believed in them. beliefs are obtained after getting "life experience."

she's asking you do to something impossible. my hunch is that she knows that it's impossible, but asks anyway because there's too much pressure coming from her parents/upbringing."

Indeed, you, alexb, homer and blackrose are all correct. This religious thing is much bigger than the sex thing.

Everyday I talk to her "did you call church and set up the classes?" and everytime I see her mom she asks in spanish "did you call them?". The family is hispanic, I'm white - and they really really really believe in god. They go to chuch every night of the week, and pray together for 2 hours before bed. I cant... I cant fake a beliefe. I just cant..."
I'm sure she won't mind what religion you are.
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#26  Edited By Homer
SonicBomb said:
"Jax said:
"Thrawn said:
"here's the whole problem, you don't get to just randomly pick a belief. if you offered me a million dollars to believe in unicorns, the best i could do is lie and say i believed in them. beliefs are obtained after getting "life experience."

she's asking you do to something impossible. my hunch is that she knows that it's impossible, but asks anyway because there's too much pressure coming from her parents/upbringing."

Indeed, you, alexb, homer and blackrose are all correct. This religious thing is much bigger than the sex thing.

Everyday I talk to her "did you call church and set up the classes?" and everytime I see her mom she asks in spanish "did you call them?". The family is hispanic, I'm white - and they really really really believe in god. They go to chuch every night of the week, and pray together for 2 hours before bed. I cant... I cant fake a beliefe. I just cant..."
I'm sure she won't mind what religion you are."

He already said that it's her mom that said mom who won't let them marry if he's not a catholic.
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Arkthemaniac

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#27  Edited By Arkthemaniac
serbsta said:
"Honestly, tell her that she needs to accept you for who you are and that youre leaving if she doesnt. Think about it, if she loves you she would do it."
Yeah, threatening her with breaking up if she doesn't put out. We've got the next Dr. Phil here!

Anyways, if you respect her, you would keep it up. She's right about it making you stronger, but that kind of strength is frowned upon in society by some. You know, being able to control yourself and all. Most importantly, though, is that relationships don't have to revolve around sex, as I'm SURE you well know. Talking to her could help, but it could also seem like your undermining her religion. Women can be easily offended by that.

Wow, I just realized that that is no help whatsoever. I guess that if you love her, then respect her in that way. Or, you could trick her into sleeping with you by being incredibly romantic. But she would not like that at all. DAMN, this is hard.

I guess all I can say is to suck it up and be grateful that you're not a eunuch.
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deactivated-5b3f096aee80a

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Jax said:
"Well, I was her first boyfriend ever, still am. We met last year when I got out of the Army, (we had gone to highschool together but never talked).

We just instantly took a liking to one another. At that time she was more obidenant towards me, in a way. She would really look up to me and my choices and follow me. But then... I had sex with her and we did that for about the first month of the relationship and then she told me she betrayed her faith and would never let herself down like that again. Ever since then she has been more closed off to me, not really trusting. No physical stuff, and if I ask or try to make a move then its "all you care about is sex chris, that's it."

I hold on to her because, it's more emotional support for myself. I still have flashbacks from Iraq, and when we started dating that's the same month I finished my tour. So I tried to assemelate back into normal life this past year and she's been there as support. We have a close bond together, but the sex thing is just too much for her to handle. She believes in husband and wife making love, not boyfriend and girlfriend. But to me, I just can't deal with the lack of physicality anymore. It's honestly breaking me down."
Well... the more you two have sex the less attraction there will be between the two of you, sexually. Obviously this involves the transferring of chemicals from one another when having sex, and this is probably why you see so many divorces in america in general.

Aside from that, you just need to talk to her and tell her its normal and its natural and that you cant fake your beliefs and if you were to you woulf feel like you are disrespecting her and her family, so you just couldn't do that.. then again telling her this alone might spark more shit.

I dunno bro.
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Nude_Dude

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#29  Edited By Nude_Dude
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Jax

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#30  Edited By Jax

Thanks sentry! I'll bring this up, it's a tough one huh? Yeah...

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Nude_Dude said:
"Well, don't be so pessimistic about it and be a little more grateful that you even have a girlfriend, because I'm nearing your age and didn't even have had a first one, or have kissed. >___>"
Go to an effing party man!
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#32  Edited By Homer
Sentry said:
"Nude_Dude said:
"Well, don't be so pessimistic about it and be a little more grateful that you even have a girlfriend, because I'm nearing your age and didn't even have had a first one, or have kissed. >___>"
Go to an effing party man!"

Yay parties! Lol... I'm only 15.. so no big parties.

But yeah, good luck jax. Kind of a sucky situation so hopefully you can deal with it.
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Grape

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#33  Edited By Grape

Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out.

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Rowr

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#34  Edited By Rowr

Tell her exactly what you just told us. If she refuses to acknowledge your feelings you should start to think about if things are really going to work out.

Jax said:

"Plus, in order to get married to her I have to become Catholic according to her mom. Be baptized, go to church, study in catholic school and then take confirmation. I.... I don't want to do that either. I don't believe in a God and that's my choice. I've told her "why should I fake it?" and she says "its for our children, so they don't grow up in a broken home."
No way id make that compromise. You shouldnt have to change your religious beliefs for anyone except yourself. Her mum will get over it. If she doesnt too bad. Things like that youve got to lay down the law on.
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Arkthemaniac

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#35  Edited By Arkthemaniac
Grape said:
"Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out."
You did understand what he meant by "love of his life", right? Meaning that she can't be replaced in his mind?

Also, "religious freaks" is a terrible thing to say, and I'm not even religious.
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Grape

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#36  Edited By Grape
Arkthemaniac said:
"Grape said:
"Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out."
You did understand what he meant by "love of his life", right? Meaning that she can't be replaced in his mind?

Also, "religious freaks" is a terrible thing to say, and I'm not even religious."
I guess it depends on the person, but if a girl is that brainwashed into a religion, and actually forces you to change your belief just cuz, then screw it imo. Do you really want to go to church everyday, pray for 2 hours everyday with them, go to catholic lessons, talk about how great jesus has been and how much you love god? Because that's what they're going to make you do, especially once you're married, because their family sounds like they're pretty close to her.

And oh god, think of the children, and how they'll be raised. You'll have disagreements, she'll be like "EVOLUTION?!?! Nah, we're teaching them the 7 days thing", and... damn it I can't even type the words, but you know what I'm getting at.
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Bnfbnggbfg

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#37  Edited By Bnfbnggbfg
Grape said:
"Arkthemaniac said:
"Grape said:
"Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out."
You did understand what he meant by "love of his life", right? Meaning that she can't be replaced in his mind?

Also, "religious freaks" is a terrible thing to say, and I'm not even religious."
I guess it depends on the person, but if a girl is that brainwashed into a religion, and actually forces you to change your belief just cuz, then screw it imo. Do you really want to go to church everyday, pray for 2 hours everyday with them, go to catholic lessons, talk about how great jesus has been and how much you love god? Because that's what they're going to make you do, especially once you're married, because their family sounds like they're pretty close to her.

And oh god, think of the children, and how they'll be raised. You'll have disagreements, she'll be like "EVOLUTION?!?! Nah, we're teaching them the 7 days thing", and... damn it I can't even type the words, but you know what I'm getting at."
It's her mom that wants him to be catholic dood. And i doubt they would live with her parents if they got married, and as such wouldn't have to do all that shit. And unless the kids end up with webbed toes, they could teach them both evolution and the 7 days thing when they are old enough to choose their own. The only real problem in this equation is the mother.

Jax, I say to ask her herself if she would be willing to marry you even if you weren't catholic, and if she says yes then her parents don't really have to say okay. If she says no, then you gotta decide if you want to be with someone who won't respect your lack of belief.
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Grape

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#38  Edited By Grape
Bnfbnggbfg said:
"Grape said:
"Arkthemaniac said:
"Grape said:
"Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out."
You did understand what he meant by "love of his life", right? Meaning that she can't be replaced in his mind?

Also, "religious freaks" is a terrible thing to say, and I'm not even religious."
I guess it depends on the person, but if a girl is that brainwashed into a religion, and actually forces you to change your belief just cuz, then screw it imo. Do you really want to go to church everyday, pray for 2 hours everyday with them, go to catholic lessons, talk about how great jesus has been and how much you love god? Because that's what they're going to make you do, especially once you're married, because their family sounds like they're pretty close to her.

And oh god, think of the children, and how they'll be raised. You'll have disagreements, she'll be like "EVOLUTION?!?! Nah, we're teaching them the 7 days thing", and... damn it I can't even type the words, but you know what I'm getting at."
It's her mom that wants him to be catholic dood. And i doubt they would live with her parents if they got married, and as such wouldn't have to do all that shit. And unless the kids end up with webbed toes, they could teach them both evolution and the 7 days thing when they are old enough to choose their own. The only real problem in this equation is the mother.

Jax, I say to ask her herself if she would be willing to marry you even if you weren't catholic, and if she says yes then her parents don't really have to say okay. If she says no, then you gotta decide if you want to be with someone who won't respect your lack of belief."
Ah, I was under the impression the girl was as set on the idea of him having to be catholic to marry her, as well as her mother.
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Bnfbnggbfg

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#39  Edited By Bnfbnggbfg
Grape said:
"Bnfbnggbfg said:
"Grape said:
"Arkthemaniac said:
"Grape said:
"Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out."
You did understand what he meant by "love of his life", right? Meaning that she can't be replaced in his mind?

Also, "religious freaks" is a terrible thing to say, and I'm not even religious."
I guess it depends on the person, but if a girl is that brainwashed into a religion, and actually forces you to change your belief just cuz, then screw it imo. Do you really want to go to church everyday, pray for 2 hours everyday with them, go to catholic lessons, talk about how great jesus has been and how much you love god? Because that's what they're going to make you do, especially once you're married, because their family sounds like they're pretty close to her.

And oh god, think of the children, and how they'll be raised. You'll have disagreements, she'll be like "EVOLUTION?!?! Nah, we're teaching them the 7 days thing", and... damn it I can't even type the words, but you know what I'm getting at."
It's her mom that wants him to be catholic dood. And i doubt they would live with her parents if they got married, and as such wouldn't have to do all that shit. And unless the kids end up with webbed toes, they could teach them both evolution and the 7 days thing when they are old enough to choose their own. The only real problem in this equation is the mother.

Jax, I say to ask her herself if she would be willing to marry you even if you weren't catholic, and if she says yes then her parents don't really have to say okay. If she says no, then you gotta decide if you want to be with someone who won't respect your lack of belief."
Ah, I was under the impression the girl was as set on the idea of him having to be catholic to marry her, as well as her mother."
She seems to only half-heartedly want it but only to make her parents happy, like when she suggested that he fake it.
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Arkthemaniac

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#40  Edited By Arkthemaniac

As it is 6:30 in the morning and I have yet to sleep, my mind is in the perfect zone for making these kinds of tough decisions.

You have to nail yourself to a cross until she decides to have sex with you. It's the only way.

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BionicIguana

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#41  Edited By BionicIguana

I have seen situations like this before, there's a good chance that she honestly believes that one day you are going to "see the light" as she would see it, that it is only a matter of time before you realise your mistake and that you believe in God.    You are a much stronger man than I to have stuck it out for so long and you clearly really care for her, but personally I would question long term future you have when you disagree about such fundamentals of life.

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#42  Edited By Meowayne
Grape said:
Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out.
I'm with Grape here. Get out.
"She's a devout catholic and I'm not religious." ? This is not going to work. This will only get worse.  Much worse.
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BiggerBomb

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#43  Edited By BiggerBomb

I'm 16 and I've been in two relationships, the first was great for three months and then turned into a disaster. The second was just a short fling. So I am honestly not the best person to give advice. I also woke up about 20 minutes ago and have not had coffee.

But what I do know, is that asking you to change your belief structure is asking you to change a critical part of your personality. I would be an entirely different person without my beliefs and if someone asked me to change them, I just couldn't accept that. What is your marriage going to be like if you have to pretend to be someone you aren't? How can you wear a mask in order to express love? That's a paradox in and of itself.

No one says you have to like your in-laws, in fact a lot of people hate their in-laws. You shouldn't expect that to be perfect, it usually isn't. People are able to get past their dislike or even hatred for their loved one's family because of the love they have for their loved one. But if her parents are telling her how your relationship should be, what your beliefs should be, how to live your life and she is unable to develop any sense of independence....

How do you think your future is going to turn out? I wouldn't try to convince myself that I could live a life under a lie or under the shadow of a concept that I couldn't embrace.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell her this. If she understands this and most importantly respects this then I think she is a person that you could spend the rest of your life with. If not, maybe the love you think you have for her is simply a memory of what you had when your relationship was more open and unhindered by what are now compromises that you are unable to accept.

If the latter is the case, then I think it's time to move on. It may be hard but in time you could find someone to love without any compromises to your virtues and personality, maybe in time you could be happy with this.

First thing's first, you have to talk to her. Take it from there, one step at a time.

Then again, what do I know? :P

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Arkthemaniac

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#44  Edited By Arkthemaniac
Meowayne said:
"Grape said:
Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out.
I'm with Grape here. Get out.
"She's a devout catholic and I'm not religious." ? This is not going to work. This will only get worse.  Much worse."
Devout Catholic doesn't mean Bible basher who burns muslims. Contrary to popular belief, there are good catholics out there. The pope just isn't one of them.

Alright, in all seriousness. You should make some kind of gesture to show that you are completely adamant about being non-religious, then see how the relationship goes. If she acts normal, that can mean two things. Either A) Congratulations! Hold out and eventually it will pay off. After all, love isn't waist down. That, or B) She doesn't believe you, and still thinks you will become a Catholic eventually. The only way you could know is if she starts to get more ferocious with her religion around you, meaning louder about it and all. However, if at the sign of you not wanting to become Catholic, she starts to act distant and shrug-offish (that's an awesome word I just made up) towards you, then things probably won't work out, unless you converted, which, I dunno, I don't see as a big deal. I mean, I refuse to belong to a church and I don't believe in God in the traditional sense, but Catholicism can teach good morals when in the right hands.

But, if you're truly adamant about not being Catholic, the disragard that last part.
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solidphoenix

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#45  Edited By solidphoenix

The people who have already posted have got it right, but I'll just say what I think:
This basically comes down to what you want more - Sex or the love of your life.
I applaud you for going for this long, but it's not enough. As a devout Catholic your girlfriend has chosen the path she wants to take through life, and now it's time for you to decide whether you love her enough to do what it takes to be with her, or to just give up and ditch her. Do not try and force her; it shows that you're nothing more than a horny bugger that wants to end the relationship just cause you can't get some.
It'll be hard, but this isn't just your life that you're deciding for; it's hers as well. Choose wisely.

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Lemegeton

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#46  Edited By Lemegeton

get out of that relationship quick. I have no problem with someone having a faith but letting yourself be ruled by a church is plain insane. that comment about kids who are not raised
catholic , are in a broken home, just sums up what is wrong with this people. They think their way is the only way to live and everyone else is wrong and needs saving. and no adult relationship can survive without sex, its just not possible. i am survived you have lasted this long. I don't mean to bash your girlfriend and im sure you love her, but from the sounds of it every decision in her life is controlled by religion and if you have no faith then you will never truly be happy with her

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#47  Edited By Vaxadrin

Do you really want to go into a legally binding contract that forces you to be with someone who "has been more closed off to you, not really trusting"?  If really she loved & respected you, she wouldn't be asking you to change anything about yourself...that just means she loves an ideal and sees you as potentially filling that ideal with a little work.

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#48  Edited By atejas

I would say that you stay celibate for her sake until marriage, but under no circumstances should you be allowed to have your belief influenced

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#49  Edited By Meowayne
Arkthemaniac said:
"Meowayne said:
"Grape said:
Dude... get out of there. It won't go well if they're religious freaks. It will only make things more and more frustrating (more frustrating than the lack of sex that you're in now).

Get out.
I'm with Grape here. Get out.
"She's a devout catholic and I'm not religious." ? This is not going to work. This will only get worse.  Much worse."
Devout Catholic doesn't mean Bible basher who burns muslims.
I know. I live in a country whose people have a very healthy relationship to religion. There are no noteworthy fundamentalists in Germany. I am not religious, but I was raised by faithful christians and I know (and like) a few people who would call themselves "devout catholics".
But my opinion on this case stands.
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#50  Edited By Arkthemaniac
Lemegeton said:
"get out of that relationship quick. I have no problem with someone having a faith but letting yourself be ruled by a church is plain insane. that comment about kids who are not raised
catholic , are in a broken home, just sums up what is wrong with this people. They think their way is the only way to live and everyone else is wrong and needs saving. and no adult relationship can survive without sex, its just not possible. i am survived you have lasted this long. I don't mean to bash your girlfriend and im sure you love her, but from the sounds of it every decision in her life is controlled by religion and if you have no faith then you will never truly be happy with her
"
That was her mom. You know, people don't turn out like their parents. Look at the hippies for proof. A relationship between a faithful and a non-faithful can work, because religion isn't about God, no matter what the church may say. Religion is about unified morality. If two people of different beliefs have a similar moral compass, then it can work out fine. Likewise, if two people of similar beliefs have slightly different moral compasses, things won't work out. Also, to the topic creator, I wouldn't even accept any of the advice on here. No one on this board could ever know the bond you share with her and if it would be worth breaking over sex or not. We just don't know.