Advice for job interviews? =/

right so just got back from my interview with walmart =D ..I fuckn SUCKED!!
Yes it was a fail! I was saying random shit an talking outa my ass
I said somethings that probably should have never been said 
who else uses the word douche bag in an interview other then me? 
no idea..dw I didn't call the manager a douche I was saying if
I had to deal with a douche..am I secretly sabotaging myself??
I can't seem to do this interview crap right
 
got any advice? feel free to share cuz I'm in serious fuckn need!

Tell them exactly what they want to hear. The interview process is complete horseshit and 99% of the time people make themselves out to be the complete opposite of who they are. The word douche, no matter how fitting, isn't going to fly. Try "jerk" or something more tame and socially acceptable. If it's for Wal-Mart though, just tell them you can read and write. They will be so taken aback that they will have no choice but to hire you on the spot. Also, they totally drug test over there. Just a heads-up.

" right so just got back from my interview with walmart =D ..I fuckn SUCKED!!Yes it was a fail! I was saying random shit an talking outa my ass I said somethings that probably should have never been said  who else uses the word douche bag in an interview other then me?  no idea..dw I didn't call the manager a douche I was saying if I had to deal with a douche..am I secretly sabotaging myself??I can't seem to do this interview crap right  got any advice? feel free to share cuz I'm in serious fuckn need! "

Don't talk like an idiot

• Think a few seconds before you answer. A late answer beats a bad answer. Normally you should prepare loads of possible questions and answers before going to an interview though. 
• Avoid everything that's negative. This means negative words (like douchebag), negative associations, negative thoughts, ... 
• Do not "lie" per se, just try to make everything that's bad sound really good. If you're an impatient person for instance, try to say it like "Some people say I'm impatient, but I just really like to finish things in a quick and efficient manner!" You won't seem too fake cause you said something bad about yourself, but you twisted it so it can be thought of as a positive quality.
• Never ever badmouth people (or your previous job). Instead of saying what you didn't like, try saying what you did like, or what you learned about yourself. (Example: I liked my previous job a lot, but I learned that I miss interpersonal contact. Being around people is important to me and I'm happy that this job position can offer me that!)
• Edit: If you prepared yourself for possible questions, try to think of concrete examples. Your boss will learn a thing or two about you, plus you will seem more genuine than when you do not give a few examples from time to time. (If you say you're a social person, try mentioning you loved being part of some extracurricular activity such as a book club or something. Just an example though, try to think of all the things you do and connect them to the characteristics your boss is looking for)

Wow, people seem to be super uptight when it comes to using a word like Douchebag. 
Glad that's not the case for the places I've worked though, if we had something on our mind it was better to just "say it instead of putting it in a cute little box with a fancy little bow on top of it". 
The only thing "sabotaging" yourself is yourself by going "Omg, did I do the right thing? omg omg was that wrong? My god my confidence is so low I'm sure they want me!" 
Just relax and hope that it's ok to be yourself next time, if there is a next time

Stay CALM as well, if you get jittery and your eyes flick around a lot, it will look poorly on you

" Stay CALM as well, if you get jittery and your eyes flick around a lot, it will look poorly on you "

" Wow, people seem to be super uptight when it comes to using a word like Douchebag. "

The most important life lesson is the one my father gave me on his death bed.
He said:,,Son, act like you don't care, just aim low,aim so low you won't care if you succeed.'' 
And i live by that maxim every day of my life.

When they say "Do you have any questions for me?" ask something, anything. Something about the company that you couldn't easily find online would be more impressive, but say anything other than "no".

" Don't talk like an idiot "

Jeepers Reapers. Try putting on your fake English accent.

"

• Think a few seconds before you answer. A late answer beats a bad answer. Normally you should prepare loads of possible questions and answers before going to an interview though. 
• Avoid everything that's negative. This means negative words (like douchebag), negative associations, negative thoughts, ... 
• Do not "lie" per se, just try to make everything that's bad sound really good. If you're an impatient person for instance, try to say it like "Some people say I'm impatient, but I just really like to finish things in a quick and efficient manner!" You won't seem too fake cause you said something bad about yourself, but you twisted it so it can be thought of as a positive quality.
• Never ever badmouth people (or your previous job). Instead of saying what you didn't like, try saying what you did like, or what you learned about yourself. (Example: I liked my previous job a lot, but I learned that I miss interpersonal contact. Being around people is important to me and I'm happy that this job position can offer me that!)
• Edit: If you prepared yourself for possible questions, try to think of concrete examples. Your boss will learn a thing or two about you, plus you will seem more genuine than when you do not give a few examples from time to time. (If you say you're a social person, try mentioning you loved being part of some extracurricular activity such as a book club or something. Just an example though, try to think of all the things you do and connect them to the characteristics your boss is looking for)

"

use common sense?

• Stay calm (don't fidget hands/legs)
• wear a nice suit & tie (the first thing they notice is what you're wearing)
• NEVER ask how much salary you would get paid
• As kurtdyoung said, when they open up for questions from you, always ask questions about the company that can't be found on their web site.  It makes you look more professional and caring about the company.
  

I think you just need to be calm, and make it clear that "Hey, I've got a reliable car, and I don't have a bunch of bastard kids, so I'll never be late. I don't smoke, so I don't have to take a break every hour, and I'm not a criminal." That's basically how my interview went at the pizza joint where I work, I wore jeans and a hoodie, and now I'm the boss of twenty something people.

" @ZeForgotten said:

" Wow, people seem to be super uptight when it comes to using a word like Douchebag. "

Granted, Walmart's not really a professional place, but when going to any job interview, you want to come across as professional.  Which means avoiding unprofessional language.  Employers want to know that their employees aren't going to offend customers.  If you call someone a douchebag in an interview, chances are good you'll use the word in front of a customer too. "

It's just Walmart. 
 
Just never swear during an interview... 
 
You're gonna be working with customers one way or another. Any type of swear, no matter how big or small is a no no. Why would they hire you when you do it during an interview?

 
Fake positivity towards the company and the position

DO: Listen to the details and tell them the stuff they want to hear and that would make you ideal for the job even if its not 100% true.
DONT : Tell them you overqualified and will be "running this dump in a year with you calling me Boss". 

DO: Be confident or at least pretend
DON'T: be an A$$hole. 

If your freaking out tell them your nervous and maybe throw in a little joke. example: like if they ask you to give an example of an awkward situation 
DO say "other than job interviews? Ha ha ha"  
DONT : tell them the story of when you murdered a hooker in the backseat of a greyhound bus in broad daylight.
 
Ask questions about the company and teh specific job, keep the questions relevant. Example : 
DO ask things like "and how many people on average use this service in a year? or how big is the department I will be working in?"
DONT ask things like "do you mind if I smoke? and " what your policy on masturbation during lunch breaks ?"
 
basically common sense. Everyone hates interviews but the more you do, the more you learn the ropes. You will probably choke on numerous tries before you get it right, that's life.

• Think before you talk. You'll probably catch yourself about to say something you'll regret. Like saying douche. You've heard this a bunch of times by now, but any kind of language like that will end your chances. Furthermore, If you're going to be working with the public I can think of any place is going to tolerate any kind of inappropriate language. 
• Looking up interview questions is good too. Make a list of interview questions, and have someone do a mock interview. Have them ask a random question on the list  (so you're not prep'd ) and practice answering on the spot. You're not going to know what questions the interviewer is going to ask, but there are general questions that are asked. It's a good to practice.
• Watch how many times you say "Um...". Don't be afraid to tell them you would need a second, and that you need think about how you would answer that question. People generally understand interview can be stressful, and are pretty forgiving. 

Speak slowly.

" I think you just need to be calm, and make it clear that "Hey, I've got a reliable car, and I don't have a bunch of bastard kids, so I'll never be late. I don't smoke, so I don't have to take a break every hour, and I'm not a criminal." That's basically how my interview went at the pizza joint where I work, I wore jeans and a hoodie, and now I'm the boss of twenty something people. "

How the fuck do you fail a job interview at Walmart...uh......awww!! April Fools...ya got me.

My first job interview was really bad. I was so tense that someone could have told the funniest joke ever and I would not even had smiled. But I learned to be more relaxed and natural and that landed me a job so I guess my advice is to just try to be who you normally are (provided you are not normally a douche)

" Also, dress the way you'd expect to dress when you'd work at a place "

" @NTM said:

" Also, dress the way you'd expect to dress when you'd work at a place "

Are you sure about that? Even for Wal-Mart, for example, wouldn't it be better to dress in a suit for a job interview even though you probably wouldn't dress like that as a sales clerk? "

Tell them what they want to hear. It's a must. You need to have facts to back up what you say as well. With no meat to what you're saying, they might not believe you. Stay calm, keep a smile on, and just go with the flow. If you're right for the job, it shouldn't be as hard as it might seem at first.

I've never had a proper job interview, but at school they got a bunch of employers in to do fake interviews on us to help us learn what to do in the situation. I didn't take it seriously until I got in there and hadn't thought out any questions, so half of what he asked I paused for about 4 seconds before answering. I thought this would be a bad thing but he said that was a good thing, apparently it shows I was really considering my answers. I did speak clearly and all that too, which always helps. It was a hard interview because the guy had a lazy eye or something, and it's had to make eye contact when both of them are pointing in different directions.

" Tell them what they want to hear. It's a must. You need to have facts to back up what you say as well. With no meat to what you're saying, they might not believe you. Stay calm, keep a smile on, and just go with the flow. If you're right for the job, it shouldn't be as hard as it might seem at first. "

" Its wal-mart. We don't have them over here in the UK.  "

They're not quite the same. For a start there aren't any Macdonalds in the middle of ASDA. Though I take your point. Though I think mine still stands. Not much you can do to go wrong lest you have one leg and severe burn trauma. >>

you need to have a strong handshake

I make them want me.

I stopped preparing for interviews after my second job and it has worked wonders. If you let the answers flow spontaneously it seems to work best, has for me. Always ask questions, it shows you have interest in the company and if the person doing in the interview wants to ramble, let them. Make sure you're good at building yourself up, you want to seem like the best. 
 
I think the most important thing I was told about interviews was that; they aren't just interviewing you, you're also interviewing them. 
 
I guess even with all the tips you can get here, a lot of it depends on your personality and how you handle these things.

When I have to go to a formal interview, I'll tell you how I seduced their ears. Until then, I'll just tell you that Wal-Mart doesn't have very...high standards, so just watch your damn mouth, and if you have a high school diploma or equivalent, make sure it's on your resume. That will instantly put you ahead of about 90% of the applicants. 
 
EDIT: It probably also helps to be white.