I was debating whether to post this, but after I gave it some thought I really need to share this with people. So I've been "Depressed" for pretty much most of this year, I put it in quotes because I haven't actually gone to the doctors and have it confirmed. But I'm pretty sure that is what I have, I can't really tell you why I have it, but I believe I do have it. When I told a few people, they were shocked and upset that I didn't tell them. They were mostly shocked because I didn't seem the type to be depressed, I do agree that I can hide it rather well. I'm always smiling, laughing and generally very helpful. But all of that is often just to hide it from myself, I did come to terms with it months ago, when I hit a very low point. This low point was me considering to take my own life with painkillers, I was just going to reach up and grab them and take all of the tablets. While I was considering it I had a panic attack, this all led to me having to tell my parents and then a few other family members.
I went on a small retreat to my grandparents house, I left everything behind and just spent a few days off from work spending time with my grandparents. After that whole ordeal things seemed to pick up, when people asked I told them everything was fine and I was 100% better. That was never the case, you see i thought if I told others I was fine, maybe I would actually believe it myself. I have my ups and downs but over the past few weeks those bad feelings are returning. In March I was diagnosed with a STD, I assumed that when that had all cleared up I would stop feeling depressed. That of course was not why I was depressed, it was a scapegoat. So what exactly do I feel?
- Lonely - For most my childhood I was rather happy spending most days in my room by myself, but ever since this year I've craved social interaction. I always wanted to go out and be with somebody, but then as soon as I would get home after a night out I would start to cry, because I had such a good time I didn't want to go back to being by myself. I'm unable to cope with something as silly as that.
- No motivation/lack of direction - I've not known really what I've wanted to do in my life, as soon as I finished college studying childcare I was offered a job in a nursery. That was three years ago and I'm still in the same position, if you were to ask me what I wanted to do, I would not be able to answer. I feel like I'm trapped here, I have a decent ish wage, all my friends are here. I have no ambition or motivation to try anything else, I'm scared that if I leave I would not keep in touch with any of my friends resulting with me having zero friends.
- Money - This may sound like a "first world problem" but please do not judge me, I think I have to much money. Crazy right? But yes I don't have to think about the money side of things ever, I have about £800 $1200 spending money each month, I never look at the price tag for anything. I have loads of money in my savings too, so I could go out and buy things people usually save for like whenever. When my TV broke a few months back I went and bought one without a hesitation.
- Sad - In the end, I just feel sad quite a lot of the time. I can't explain why I feel sad, but I just do. I have cried a whole lot without an explanation why, but when people ask whats wrong I just say nothing.
This is also one of the reasons why I post topics rather frequently on the site, if I want social Interaction and nobody is about. I would look around the room and come up with a topic, I didn't care what it was about, just that it got me some responses. Hoping that somebody would @ me just so I could have simple conversation with somebody. People often think I make blogs just because I want to be the limelight and I want to ruin the forums by flooding them with topics. I just wanted somebody to talk to, after I post a topic too, I will sit there for hours just refreshing the page, over and over again.
So the bad thoughts seem to be coming back, thats why I wrote this blog. Just this morning I considered doing something stupid, not so I would kill myself, but so I could get attention. Just to have people be around me, instead of being by myself. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve with this blog, I just needed to vent, thank you for reading.