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Avatar image for djsneakybear
#1 Posted by DJSneakyBear (61 posts) -

Post up your favorite Chuck Norris jokes or whatever ones you find funny.  please keep the "chuck norris jokes are old and teh lamez" to urself please ^___^

I'll start with "Chuck Norris has two speeds.  Walk, and Kill."

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#2 Posted by mr_korean (614 posts) -

Chuck Norris is so fast he could run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

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#3 Posted by Zombie (229 posts) -

Chuck norris once beat chuck norris at his own game.

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#4 Posted by sdodd02 (763 posts) -

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake as a condom.

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#6 Posted by mr_korean (614 posts) -

Chuck Norris once shat in a jar and sold it as Nutella

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#7 Posted by Apollo (467 posts) -

Chuck Norris.

See what i did there...

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#8 Posted by Brucie (136 posts) -
  • Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird
  • Avatar image for sdodd02
    #9 Posted by sdodd02 (763 posts) -
    Riddler said:
    "Chuck jokes are Lamest, Gayest, Fadest, Garbagest things ever. FUCK OFF"

    that's the whole point! they are supposed to be lame! that's why they are funny.
    Avatar image for henjin
    #10 Posted by henjin (825 posts) -
    Riddler said:
    "Chuck jokes are Lamest, Gayest, Fadest, Garbagest things ever. FUCK OFF"




    Anyway heres one:
    Chuck norris can divide by zero. We know this as the big bang

    Avatar image for termite
    #11 Posted by Termite (2428 posts) -

    If you have 5 dollars, and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you

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    #12 Edited by 111GREEN_RANGER111 (168 posts) -

    If chuck norris was a noodle he'd be the wet possessed noodle of your dreams!

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    #13 Posted by CooLWhiP (75 posts) -

    Chuck norris doesnt drink Mt. Dew....he drinks Volcano Dew

     

    I made it up myself

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    #14 Posted by Blair (2595 posts) -

    Chuck Norris once converted a Jehovah's Witness to Chuck Norris.

    Avatar image for 111green_ranger111
    #15 Edited by 111GREEN_RANGER111 (168 posts) -
    CooLWhiP said:
    "

    Chuck norris doesnt drink Mt. Dew....he drinks Volcano Dew

     

    I made it up myself

    "

    wow your special i made mine up too
    Avatar image for mr_korean
    #16 Posted by mr_korean (614 posts) -

    here's a classic

    when chuck norris does push up he doesn't push up he pushes the earth down

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    #17 Posted by BulletPulse (182 posts) -

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
     
    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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    #18 Posted by spiceninja (3286 posts) -

    Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potatosacks.

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    #19 Posted by Blair (2595 posts) -

    Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that certain corn needs to LAY THE FUCK DOWN!

    Avatar image for deactivated-579a5a254c9a3
    #20 Posted by deactivated-579a5a254c9a3 (837 posts) -

    Chuck Norris jokes aren't funny anymore.

    Avatar image for worldsfastestshrimppeeler
    #21 Edited by WorldsFastestShrimpPeeler (469 posts) -

    Edit,: beaten.

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    #22 Posted by SomeGuy890 (146 posts) -

    The opening scene of  "Saving Private Ryan" was loosly based on a game of dogeball Chuck Norris played in the second grade.

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    #23 Edited by OroJackson (692 posts) -

    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep; he waits
    ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-

    There was a video game where all the buttons caused Chuck Norris' character to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied "what glitch?"

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    #24 Posted by epic_pets (1345 posts) -

    After chuck norris visited the "virgin islands" they just called it the "island"

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    #25 Posted by microwavedapple (175 posts) -

    Why did Chuck Norris cry?

    Because Chuck Norris jokes aren't funny.

    Avatar image for quid_pro_bono
    #29 Posted by Quid_Pro_Bono (1119 posts) -

    This is the best necro ever. Mods, I beg you, please don’t lock this blast from the past

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    #30 Posted by FrodoBaggins (1688 posts) -

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.

    Too bad Chuck has never cried.

    Avatar image for dgtlty
    #31 Edited by dgtlty (1077 posts) -

    Chuck Norris is almost 80 years old. He also really loves Jesus and hates gay marriage.

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    #32 Posted by turboman (9534 posts) -

    Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

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    #33 Posted by Ataxia (152 posts) -

    These are still a thing?

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    #34 Posted by TheRealTurk (301 posts) -

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

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    #35 Posted by Rahf (443 posts) -

    After Chuck Norris visited the aforementioned Virgin Islands, transforming them into just the Islands, the less offensive term "Banana Republic" was coined.

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    #36 Posted by BladeOfCreation (983 posts) -

    I always hated these jokes, except for one. In a guard tower in Iraq, there was a wall full of Chuck Norris jokes. Someone had written, "Chuck Norris can read this and pull security." It was pretty hilarious.

    Online
    Avatar image for white_silhouette
    #37 Posted by White_Silhouette (517 posts) -

    During sex Chuck Norris is on top. Since Chuck Norris never fucks up.

    Avatar image for gkhan
    #39 Posted by gkhan (981 posts) -

    @dgtlty said:

    Chuck Norris is almost 80 years old. He also really loves Jesus and hates gay marriage.

    Chuck Norris sits down to pee.

    Avatar image for monkeyking1969
    #40 Posted by MonkeyKing1969 (7187 posts) -

    Chucks Norris is a sad old man whos actually named Carlos. Carlos often uses racist and homophobic hate speech, and is a anti-vaccination advocate. There is nothing funny about Carlos.

    Avatar image for tearhead
    #41 Posted by Tearhead (2465 posts) -

    Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris.

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    #42 Edited by EnomotoShards (70 posts) -

    I can see where this is going... Chiyaku Norisu

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    #43 Edited by bartok (3356 posts) -

    Chuck Norris sucks and in a just world we would be making jokes about what a bad ass Sonny Chiba is.

    Seriously have any of you watched a Chuck Norris movie and not the one where Bruce Lee kicks his ass? They are awful and not in a so bad it's good way like a JCVD or Steven Seagal movie. The guy lacks any on screen charisma and only had a movie career because he was a white guy that won some karate awards back in the 60's and 70's.

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    #44 Posted by Giant_Gamer (679 posts) -

    Chuck Norris has never been born. He made himself.

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    #45 Posted by Captain_Insano (3342 posts) -

    Chuck Norris jokes don't ever become irrelevant. Chuck Norris makes you irrelevant.

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    #46 Edited by Turambar (8244 posts) -

    The only thing Chuck Norris is afraid of...is "a thousand years of darkness" that was suppose to be heralded by Obama's presidency.

    Loading Video...

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    #47 Posted by bawbalewie1314 (71 posts) -

    Chuck Norris died twenty years ago. Death just hasn't built up enough confidence to claim the body.

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    #48 Posted by bartok (3356 posts) -

    Chuck Norris is so racist that he wanted Texas to secede from the USA because we elected an African American president.

    Let me try again: Chuck Norris is so racist that he denied that Bruce Lee helped his acting career immensely by casting him as the villain in Return of the Dragon.

    Wait that isn't right: Chuck Norris is so homophobic that he supported the Boy Scout's ban on homosexuals by equating the ban as moral and right.

    Darn! Messed up again: Chuck Norris once protested a hate crime bill because it protected homosexuals along with the handicapped and minorities because in his hateful mind he twisted up to mean that it protected pedophiles which the law certainly did not protect.

    Man still not right: Chuck Norris is a birther who put up billboards demanding to see Obama's birth certificate.

    Damn it! One final try: Chuck Norris is so stupid that he is an Anti-Vaxer.

    Nailed it!

    Avatar image for shindig
    #49 Posted by Shindig (4697 posts) -

    Chuck Norris is a famous meme who did karate.

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    #50 Edited by nutter (1243 posts) -

    Since we’re bumped, just ask your Amazon Echo for some Chuck Norris facts, these days. It’s a good time killer while you’re making breakfast or whatever...