On Saturday morning I stumbled upon a fresh $10 bill laying in the dirt. Being impossible for me to know who the original owner was, I kept it. Today, I rediscovered this bill, and decided to treat my self. I was going to get a Jamba Juice on campus, but decided to wait until after school to make a stop at Chipotle for a tortilla near-bursting with delicious.
While enjoying my burrito, I read what Chipotle had printed on their bag: A letter to Chipotle from our good planet, Earth. Earth isn't the most vocal dude, so his writing to a restaurant chain is a pretty big deal. The letter reads:
"Dear Chipotle,
THANKS for keeping me in mind as you go about your business. People seem to just forget I'm around once in a while which is weird considering I weigh about 6,000,000,000,000,000,000 metric tons I would be easier for you to just build the cheapest restaurant possible. But by making strides to save energy you're helping me out a ton. By the way nice job with the wind turbine on the Gurnee, IL store. Loving that. So, thanks Chipotle. Keep it real.
-earth
p.s. I love your guac."
I did not change punctuation and the emphasis in my quote are found on the bag (kind of).
Now, Chipotle took all of this as positive, which is why it is found on the bag. However, Earth's message is a bit ambiguous. I don't think the Earth intended to compliment. In fact, the letter is laced with sarcasm. Earth never uses a serious tone, something I'd expect from a 6,000* year old object. One instance that stands out the most is when Earth thanks Chipotle for helping him "out a ton." The use of the word "ton" is of particular interest. Earlier in the letter, Earth states his weight, 6,000,000,000,000,000,000 metric tons. These tons stand in contrast to one antoher. Earth is mocking Chipotle, 1 single ton is nothing compared to 6,000,000,000,000,000,000. This is clearly a sarcastic remark meant to belittle Chipotle's efforts.
Next, Earth comments on a restaurant in Gurnee, IL, saying "Nice job with the wind turbine." One might see this as a compliment, until they see the store:
That thing is ugly. Once more, the Earth mocks Chipotle.
I could go on about the clear purpose of Earth's letter, as it is filled with evidences. I'm shocked that Chipotle printed this on their bag. How could they be so dumb as to misinterpret the letter? Oh well. I still like their burritos.
*I was going to put 4.5 Billion, but trolling is more fun.
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