Game Rage: Ruining a relationship

I realize that Giant Bomb is not the first-choice place for relationship-related topics, but this also ties into games a bit, so here we go.  
 
Have been in a 6-year relationship with a guy. We're both students and still live with our respective parents, have not a lot of money. Entertainment comes in the form of movies and playing through games together. 

The problem: as we play a game, any game, inevitably we come across some frustrating aspect of it, be it mechanical, design-related, or whatever (seemingly indecipherable puzzles, fights that appear impossible to win, game freezes and progress is lost, etc.). When this happens, my boyfriend becomes increasingly agitated, loudly exclaiming how stupid the game is, swearing at the TV, or saying he really needs to break something. He has already broken countless controllers by smashing them against walls, and said walls already have several holes in them from him punching them. 

If it were me playing by myself, I would just stop for a while to take a break, get a drink, do something else, or even just look up the solution on a FAQ or Youtube video. I don't have a ton of pride when it comes to games--I play them to have fun, not get frustrated, so if I can't understand the code wheel in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood after giving it all I've got, I have no qualms with looking it up. He, however, tends to refuse to do this, stubbornly trying to figure it out because otherwise there would be no point (never mind that the extra 10 minutes he spent on it didn't get him anywhere closer to the answer). I realize that in some games, you can't quite just save wherever you want and quit, because you'll lose progress, but he won't even pause the game to take a breather, because he'd rather get through as much of the game as possible. If I ask that we watch a movie instead, he still says no, he wants to finish the game.  

When he's like this he is one of the most unpleasant people on the planet to be near, so I end up leaving the room to sit in the kitchen where I don't have to be within earshot of all the cursing and raving. And it's become more extreme lately, to the point that every time the console turns on, I'm dreading what will inevitably happen, and when it does, all I want is to go home and be away from this guy. I feel no love for him when he gets this way, and I find myself rethinking the very idea of spending a life with him.  

I've brought this up recently, and he's said that my reaction (being quiet or responding irately, leaving the room) only makes things worse, and that I should try to "be nice" to him during those times, by trying to calm him down. This feels counter-intuitive, though, since when you see a big, growling dog in a yard, your first instinct is NOT to go try to pet it. I've said I will give this a try, though, since I don't want a 6 year relationship to come to an end without having explored all options to make it work. But I don't feel hopeful, since he's said that he'll probably always be this way, which means that even if me "being nice" works, he still has to get mad and nasty first. Plus he's telling ME about things I should do, but he has no intention of even considering any sort of anger management, counselling, or looking into techniques he could try to curb this behaviour; apparently he's currently doing the most/best he can. But that best doesn't feel good enough for me.

Does this sort of game-rage sound familiar to you?  Is it basically how every guy is, or is this case way beyond the norm?

Let me assure you, YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS PROBLEMS. I say you force him to change his behavior by splitting up for awhile until he proves he has changed. 

Yeah that seems a little extreme.  Everyone gets frustrated sometimes but breaking objects and putting holes in walls is a whole other level.  Ultimately what you do with your life is your decision, but yeah, I think we'll all agree that's over the top.  

I used to rage, throw controllers around, yell, all that crap... when I was 10. I expect people to grow out of that at some point. Tell him to man up and stop acting like a kid. If that doesn't work, dump his ass. He sounds like an idiot.

" I used to rage, throw controllers around, yell, all that crap... when I was 10. I expect people to grow out of that at some point. Tell him to man up and stop acting like a kid. If that doesn't work, dump his ass. He sounds like an idiot. "

Well, speaking as a guy of almost 18 years old, I can tell you that that is pretty goddamn extreme. I mean worst I get is that I mumble a "fuck you" at something that feels really unfair. He should really consider counseling because who knows if it'll only remain game related. I'd be pretty scared, myself actually.

In no way is this normal, unless your six year relationship started when you guys were 8 and he's only 14 now, and even then he's immature. Assuming that you're older than that, there's no way that he should be behaving like a baby over this.

Tell him to get some skill, he sounds like he's terrible if he gets made when he's unable to do something, and he often gets mad. 
 
That outta help.

Yeah, I do already know this is more than your average person's anger--although I had recalled previous Bombcasts/videos/etc. where Brad/Jeff mention getting frustrated and swearing at a game, or wanting to throw a controller. But I doubt (and hope that they haven't) gone to such levels.  
 
And in fact this rage has extended to other things as well--like driving (when someone is slow to turn at an intersection, or cuts him off), or his choice hockey team losing a game and not making the playoffs. Outside of this anger issue, things can and have been really good--but the bad stuff is overshadowing all that now. Sad that this is actually making me dislike games, and has me telling him to just play all this stuff without me because I'd rather watch a playthrough on Youtube than be stuck in the room with him playing and getting angrier.

If it's making me frustrated, I stop playing it for a bit, and let it mill around in my unconscious.
 
PS If you want someone to casually game with, here I am. So long as it's Doritos Crash Course.

You need to talk to him about it but not while he is angry.

" Yeah, I do already know this is more than your average person's anger--although I had recalled previous Bombcasts/videos/etc. where Brad/Jeff mention getting frustrated and swearing at a game, or wanting to throw a controller. But I doubt (and hope that they haven't) gone to such levels.   And in fact this rage has extended to other things as well--like driving (when someone is slow to turn at an intersection, or cuts him off), or his choice hockey team losing a game and not making the playoffs. Outside of this anger issue, things can and have been really good--but the bad stuff is overshadowing all that now. Sad that this is actually making me dislike games, and has me telling him to just play all this stuff without me because I'd rather watch a playthrough on Youtube than be stuck in the room with him playing and getting angrier. "

Seriously, do NOT put yourself through that. 
 
You sound like a beaten wife to be completely blunt.  
"Oh he only hits me when he's angry... our relationship is great other than that" 
 
No. 
 
Either take this fuckwit to anger management, or if he's not willing to do that, end it. It sounds like he knows damn well he has an issue, and that it scares you. If he doesn't care about you enough to deal with it, then he is not in any way worth your effort.

I had a friend who used to go absolutely crazy at video games but I used to just question him all the time, like 'What's the point?'. He then realised there was no point in getting that raging at games. Sounds like he does have problems and could use some help....

It sounds like he has issues with competition. 

Shit that's crazy yo. But really that's very unpleasant to endure.
 
I have been a very minor victim to aggression due to frustration in games. It was remedied in Super Street Fighter IV and Street Fighter III: 3rd Strike where I kept losing. It was very hard to feel but I understood that I am not good player and there will be no guarantee I will win even with training. My mentality changed from more of a fun but still serious mode so I can enjoy it while pushing myself for a possible victory. 

He has to come to the realization that things like that happen to everyone. His aggressiveness will only create more errors over the origin problem in his playtime. Unless it's obnoxiously obvious, games are not insulting us. We are not perfect. We don't know that boss fight? Too bad, let's find a solution to it from someone who beaten the boss. Things like losing progress can be unpleasant but the positive is that it can be restored if played similarly.
 
I would want to suggest him to play a Street Fighter game online and lose a lot and learn but life isn't like that. If he wants to change, it's going to be a tough road for him unfortunately in how I view this. I would want to talk to his parents about this. This is at a point that seems unsafe but possible to resolve. Ultimately my main suggestion is this: this is your decision. If not dealt with though, I personally believe it will indeed get worse for everyone's sakes.

Make sure he understands how serious a problem it is. If he still doesn't want to try and improve (because trust me, unless he has something along the lines of ADHD and simply can't help his outbursts, he's not currently "doing the best he can" -- he just can't be arsed to do better), just break up with him. If he feels that he has to scream and throw stuff around when he can't succeed at a fucking video game even though it unnerves you to a point where you can't even be in the same room, then he's probably not someone you want to be with.

Personally, I don't get very agitated towards games, of course I swear at characters when they do something that prevents me from doing something I want to do. Like an enemy stopping me from completing my objective a few times. Never have I thrown a controller or broken something, that is going too far, and gamers who do this need to get a new hobby. My house mate on the other hand, can not lose a life more than once without screaming profanities at the TV, and this humours me immensely. I do watch him play games, hoping he will lose just to see him shout at the TV. 
 
My male house mate, sounds a lot like your boyfriend, it isn't a normal person's reaction. Either find humour in it, tell him to sort it out, or threaten breaking up with him especially if he puts gaming before watching a film with you.

I can assure you his behaviour is way beyond the average male gamer's frustration in reaction to a video game. The fault is his, not yours, and the man obviously needs help controlling his anger. You need to tell him that if he doesn't want to ruin his relationship he needs to do something about this anger.

YOU don't have to adapt to his rage issues, HE has to work on his issue with getting riled up over basically nothing. He needs to realize that he is driving you away with the way he's acting and saying that you should calm him down is not really helping his case.

" He has already broken countless controllers by smashing them against walls, and said walls already have several holes in them from him punching them. 

 When he's like this he is one of the most unpleasant people on the planet to be near,   

  it's become more extreme lately

  every time the console turns on, I'm dreading what will inevitably happen, and when it does, all I want is to go home and be away from this guy.  

 I find myself rethinking the very idea of spending a life with him.   

   I've brought this up recently, and he's said that my reaction only makes things worse  

 I've said I will give this a try, though, since I don't want a 6 year relationship to come to an end without having explored all options to make it work.  

 he's said that he'll probably always be this way  

 he has no intention of even considering any sort of anger management, counselling, or looking into techniques he could try to curb this behaviour  

This sounds bizarrely similar to an epic PM about a lady cop and a drug dealer. Do you, by any chance, have a powerful Native American friend? 
 
If not, the obvious solution would be to fake your own death.

Sounds like your guy needs a vist from  Cool Frog and the Dolphin 

It is too much yes.
I'll not give you advice since I don't even know the guy,
tell someone closer to you than a forum if you are worried

what the above poster said, its not normal and not healthy. 

Really how old are you?  I used to get mad like that at video games too, when I was 12, still immature, and didn't know any better.  If you guys are a day over 15 he needs to grow up and you most certainly should not be trying to calm him down because he should be trying to do that himself already.  I think most gamers (even adults) might throw a controller here and there every blue moon or so, bad days happen to everybody.  Punching holes in walls, screaming obscenities, breaking (not throwing) controllers, etc etc on a daily basis?  Not acceptable, period.  
 
Forget giantbomb, I am sure there is some nice, sane, gamer guy who lives in your area who would love to have a girlfriend who he can sit and watch a movie with or play some assassins creed and relax around.
 
@Kjellm87 said:

" It is too much yes. I'll not give you advice since I don't even know the guy, tell someone closer to you than a forum if you are worried "

" Let me assure you, YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS PROBLEMS. I say you force him to change his behavior by splitting up for awhile until he proves he has changed.  "

"  This feels counter-intuitive, though, since when you see a big, growling dog in a yard, your first instinct is NOT to go try to pet it." 
 
This is different if it's your dog. If he's growling you probably want to find out what the reason is. It might be hungry, wounded, ect.  Sorry for weirdly sticking to that analogy. It fits on the sense that frustrated people tend to go to anger often, frustration comes from having an issue that you cannot solve. In most cases, be the one to help find that solution is what you can do. 
  
Dogs are interesting in the sense that they are very dependent on you.
 
  However, his type of irrational anger seems normal to me. Most of the guys in my family are like that.You might complain about your boyfriend getting mad at a guy who cut's him off in traffic, but I've bet you never had him chasing his offender to his home "to make a point". So I sort of know the kind of situation you seem to be in...I am not in the exact situation though, but I can tell you how their respective companions handle them :).  
 
   The steps they took were roughly like this: 
 - Let him know it bothers you ( You've done that) 
 - Try to investigate instead of confronting or being sympathetic ( this usually works in the case he's getting mad over something truly silly) 
 - See if you have a solution  and keep on inquiring until you get him get to the bottom of "why he's angry" 
 - If he still doesn't respond, then leave the room and/or do what you normally do in this case. He might even apologize. ( if you know him well not to be violent and you consider yourself firm enough, then by all means, scold him. He should be open enough to let you help him )
 
 The result is not perfect.  Anger is pretty simple and it takes an iron willed ,reasonable person to deal with it to a point where it doesn't need to be over every single thing. People can tame tigers and lions after all, it's all done trough trying to understand them.( but i should probably say that i don't believe it's your responsibility to do so, like it might sound from the beginning of my post. It's an option. Some people think tigers are really cute, some would prefer not to risk getting killed) 
 
 Hope this helps, but remember it's just forum talk tho. I'm sure you know more about your own situation that anyone here. :)

Give him an ultimatum and tell him to see a psychologist. This fixed my rage issue in a past relationship, as I went through therapy and stopped being so damn angry. However, it wasn't related to video games, but the same principle applies, I guess.

what you need to be doing is secretly looking up the solutions to his in-game problems.  then just subtly give him hints, "have you tried...." "maybe if you...."
 
 
if that doesn't work, tell him to suck less

Don't put up with it, tell him he needs to sort his shit out or you're done (or just skip the ultimatum part and leave).  It's no good feeling intimidated in your own home, and if you put up with it now you'll be putting up with it forever - and probably your kids too eventually, which is even worse.
 
Those code wheels are hella difficult though.  Even I had to look up some of them and I'm way smarter, funnier and better looking than your boyfriend is.

I've had somewhat similiar problems while gaming with my gf, i usually dont have any prob lems controlling myself but if i'm drunk it's a completely different matter.
 
What she does to calm me down is giving me ... *J *insert H or B
I know it's not the best solution but it works miracles, if it happens just once or twice every month you ought to give it a shot.
 
PS. If you've watched the South Park episode Creme freiche you know what i'm talking about

If my husband and I are playing together and he starts getting too bitchy over something, I'll just log off and go do something else.  But mine doesn't sound anything like yours. 
 
Personally, were it me, I'd turn off the console on your boyfriend, but I'm the kind of chick that'll stick my chin out when someone threatens to sock me. 
 
Best of luck with it, but I agree with the person that said you sound like a beaten wife :(

You're either fucking trolling, or need to break up with that nerdy motherfucker right now.

Anger management. Normally I do not comment on these" I need boy/girl advice" But this is a case of anger issues. It might come to a point where he might harm you in his anger.

" I realize that Giant Bomb is not the first-choice place for relationship-related topics, but this also ties into games a bit, so here we go.  
 
Have been in a 6-year relationship with a guy. We're both students and still live with our respective parents, have not a lot of money. Entertainment comes in the form of movies and playing through games together. 

The problem: as we play a game, any game, inevitably we come across some frustrating aspect of it, be it mechanical, design-related, or whatever (seemingly indecipherable puzzles, fights that appear impossible to win, game freezes and progress is lost, etc.). When this happens, my boyfriend becomes increasingly agitated, loudly exclaiming how stupid the game is, swearing at the TV, or saying he really needs to break something. He has already broken countless controllers by smashing them against walls, and said walls already have several holes in them from him punching them. 

If it were me playing by myself, I would just stop for a while to take a break, get a drink, do something else, or even just look up the solution on a FAQ or Youtube video. I don't have a ton of pride when it comes to games--I play them to have fun, not get frustrated, so if I can't understand the code wheel in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood after giving it all I've got, I have no qualms with looking it up. He, however, tends to refuse to do this, stubbornly trying to figure it out because otherwise there would be no point (never mind that the extra 10 minutes he spent on it didn't get him anywhere closer to the answer). I realize that in some games, you can't quite just save wherever you want and quit, because you'll lose progress, but he won't even pause the game to take a breather, because he'd rather get through as much of the game as possible. If I ask that we watch a movie instead, he still says no, he wants to finish the game.   When he's like this he is one of the most unpleasant people on the planet to be near, so I end up leaving the room to sit in the kitchen where I don't have to be within earshot of all the cursing and raving. And it's become more extreme lately, to the point that every time the console turns on, I'm dreading what will inevitably happen, and when it does, all I want is to go home and be away from this guy. I feel no love for him when he gets this way, and I find myself rethinking the very idea of spending a life with him.   I've brought this up recently, and he's said that my reaction (being quiet or responding irately, leaving the room) only makes things worse, and that I should try to "be nice" to him during those times, by trying to calm him down. This feels counter-intuitive, though, since when you see a big, growling dog in a yard, your first instinct is NOT to go try to pet it. I've said I will give this a try, though, since I don't want a 6 year relationship to come to an end without having explored all options to make it work. But I don't feel hopeful, since he's said that he'll probably always be this way, which means that even if me "being nice" works, he still has to get mad and nasty first. Plus he's telling ME about things I should do, but he has no intention of even considering any sort of anger management, counselling, or looking into techniques he could try to curb this behaviour; apparently he's currently doing the most/best he can. But that best doesn't feel good enough for me. Does this sort of game-rage sound familiar to you?  Is it basically how every guy is, or is this case way beyond the norm? "

 @l4wd0g: No military background whatsoever.

 @ThePhantomnaut: He is a Street Fighter fan, though admits himself he's not very good in the grand scheme of things. It's not a fun game for a spectator, though, so he never plays it when I'm over. But at least one of the holes in the wall has come from an arcade stick being smashed into it while drunk.

 It's ridiculous that titles like Fallout: New Vegas or CoD: Black Ops or RDR all get described by him as games that he likes a lot, yet at some point during playing all of them he's said "FUCK THIS GAME!" and "THIS SHIT IS THE WORST!" You'd think he was being forced to endure games or something by the way he talks.
 
I think at this point it's just come to a matter of when and how to bring it up. I am looking to a friend for support in this matter, but I posted here because I guess I wanted to hear from people who don't personally know either of us, and also might have insight on the matter relating to games.    

it sounds like he needs to get laid. help your boyfriend out there. have him take breaks, give him some space to let him know he has anger problems.

Obviously, he's on drugs.
 
Or videogames are the devil. Just ask the Daily Mail.

I would show him your initial post on this topic. If that doesn't shame him into stopping, nothing will.

" I would show him your initial post on this topic. If that doesn't shame him into stopping, nothing will. "

Your boyfriend has dundun syndrome

Well, I think it's safe to say your boyfriend is probably a complete psychopath. If a game frustrates him that much, I'm sure you can imagine how he might treat you when you end up frustrating him like that. Get out and get as far away as you can. Seriously, he has major aggression issues. The fact that he blames you for making it worse when you walk away is just outrageous and actually pretty frightening. He needs you to be nice to him to calm him down during these times? Wow. What a lunatic. He wants you to reward his terrible behavior by acting positively to it to make him feel better. It can only get worse from here. Seriously, cease and desist! You may even want to notify some friends and call for back-up, because I hate to think of how crazy and violent he might get if you try to break up with him, so make sure you got people there for you that have your back and will help you get out of this situation.