Hi again old blog. The COVID 19 pandemic was almost like being frozen in time for these past years. But of course time went on, and others kept living as they normally do. Springs came and went, friendships blossomed or stagnated, parents became that much grayer and older, businesses closed. One of the things I appreciated was the isolation, it was a boon for someone with a huge backlog of games I saved for a rainy day when I would have endless time.
My inner demon was unleashed fully and it was allowed to take almost full control of my free time. The vices of the body were so available and time was so untethered to whatever we used to consider normal life, that I gave in. I did stick to the legal drugs however, but it was mostly out of convenience since dispensaries are as common as gas stations. This fog of dopamine enveloped my time off and I loved nothing more than consuming those days smoking weed and chipping at that backlog. Very lonely experience when most of that backlog is single player games, but it didn't matter for a while.
My dulled and easy existence was peppered by the days I worked, this work which provided the means of surviving. I was living in a constant state of numbness, then rudely awoken by sobriety during the times I was trusted with people's lives. I was a "responsible" user of these drugs. On the outside I looked fine, but internally I was burning up with anxiety, and guilt for keeping a job while a lot of the world was in despair. Guilty moments became routine, and this led to more coping by playing more games and smoking more weed.
My dog died while I was working. My grandfather passed away while I was working. I was sad yes, but it was so shallow I can't help but think I have yet to process those deaths. The artificial moments of joy became less and less joyful, and even though I tried to be social something felt terrifyingly different. I was no longer able to enjoy the simple things like walking on a park or even celebrating a birthday. I had to amp it up with alcohol or drugs for fear of experiencing reality, perhaps I was afraid to face myself and my emotions. So terrified I was that I skipped a lot of invitations to socialize, to my own detriment because this put me in a deeper hole of what I think was a combination of burn out and depression.
Luckily the endless nights of gaming were ending. The world was opening up again, and things felt a little more alive. It took me months to let go of my crutches and just today I felt slightly more like my old self. Like my December 2019 self, which in my head feels like a decade ago. I am now learning to be more present with the help of guided mediation, being purposely social, and opening myself to the idea that life can be more than just video games and work. While I still don't feel like committing to dating, I am remembering the fun parts of getting to know someone new. I learned that infatuation is just that, and I learned that I had friendzoned so many good women due to fear and a lot of emotional walls. The walls are strong but they have windows now. If I start any new relationship (be it casual or not) I attempt to be open and honest about my intentions as opposed to being mysterious and insecure. Lastly, I'm beginning to process my loved one's passings and I know it is ok to be super duper sad about it.
2023 feels like the conclusion of that fog. Let's enjoy that beef bowl, the meat dimension awaits. Till the next pandemic.
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