Give me the best jokes you got.

 
 
Okay Giantbomb..
Here we go:
Time to put all of our awesome jokes together into one topic:
 
If the jokes are racist or sexual please post that beforehand:
 
 
 
I'll throw a good long one out (no pun intended):
 
Sexual:
So a guy has to go away on a business trip to Vegas, and he's afraid his wife's going to cheat on him. So he goes to a sex shop and looks for the best toys they got. 
The guy says, "This won't do. Do you have anything really special." 
The clerk replies, "Well we just got this voodo dildo in, you can try it out."
The dude says, " Okay how does it work?"
The Clerk Replies," voodoo Dildo his mouth." The dildo starts going in and out of his mouth really fast.
The guy barely gets out: "I'll....tak..e...it."
The Clerk says: "Great, but you just have to say  'Voodoo dildo stop' and it'll stop." 
The dildo stops.
 
The man rushes home to his wife and says, "Honey I bought you something."
Wife: "Oh...what is it."
Man: "It's a special toy, to...entertain you while I'm away. Just strip naked first."
The Wife strips naked.
Man: "Okay here it is! Voodoo Dildo Pussy." The Voodoo dildo starts doing her in the pussy.
Wife: "Aww...honey this is amazing thanks so much!!!"
Man: "You're welcom...oh shit, I might miss my flight." The guy rushes out the door to the airport. 
 
Thirty minutes later:
The dildo is still doing the lady, and she can't figure out how to get it to stop, so she hops in her car, and drives to the Hospital.
She is flying along a local street, when a cop pulls her over.
Cop: "Mamm, explain why you were doing 70 mph in a 20 mph zone."
Wife: "Officer, I'm so sorry, I can explain. It's this Voodoo Dildo, I can't get it to stop fucking me!"
Officer: "Voodoo dildo my ass....."

Is that original material? 
 
(OMG 1000 POSTS)

Michael J. Fox doesn't need rumble in his controllers. Because of Parkinson's.   
Michael J. Fox puts too much salt on his food. Because of Parkinson's.   
Michael J. Fox is a professional maraca player. Because of Parkinson's. 
Michael J. Fox butters his bread with milk. Because of Parkinson's. 
Michael J. Fox's sodas always explode. Because of Parkinson's. 
Michael J. Fox's Warhammer 40k minis suck balls. Because of Parkinson's.  

modern warfare 2

" Is that original material?  (OMG 1000 POSTS) "

" Michael J Fox doesn't need rumble in his controllers, because of Parkinson's.  This is now a Michael J Fox thread, GO! "

" modern warfare 2 "

" @SJSchmidt93 said:

" Is that original material?  (OMG 1000 POSTS) "

What that joke???
No I heard it from a friend why???

" modern warfare 2 "

You want a funny joke? Womens Rights.

" modern warfare 2 "

" You want a funny joke? Womens Rights. "

Got this from some website. 
 
 
Sherlok Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Just watch "The Aristocrats"  Here's a taste.

  ~A smug know it all Jedi walks into a bar and sits nexts to a Mandalorian Mercenary and a Strill. The Jedi says to the Mandalorian Mercenary . "Does your Strill bite?". The Mandalorian Mercenary  says "No". Then  as the Jedi bends down to pat it, it bites the Jedi's hand off and the Jedi screams " I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE DOESNT BITE!". Then the Mandalorian Mercenary  looks at the Jedi and says " Thats not my Strill".
 
 ~Two Stormtroopers walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
 
~Why is ducktape like the Force? 
It has a light side, a dark side and it binds the galaxy together. 
 
~Two Trandoshans where sitting at a bar, One says to the other, "Did you beat the Wookiee at  Pazaak ?"
And the other answers, "Ya, but it cost me an arm and a leg."  
 
~ What do you call a Sith who won't fight?
A Sithy.  
 
~What goes, "Ha, ha, ha, haaaa.... AGGGHHHH! Thump"?
An Imperial Officer laughing at Darth Vader.  
 
~How long does Luke Skywalker need to sleep?
One Jedi Knight! 

" Got this from some website. 
 
 
Sherlok Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

"

" @TheMustacheHero: That just made my night sir.   Anyways, this is a really tasteless joke, you've been warned.  A pedo and a kid are walking into the woods together. The kid says "Hey, these woods sure do look dark and scary." The guy says "How do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone!"   BA DUM BAH!!! "

"   Anyways, this is a really tasteless joke, you've been warned.  A pedo and a kid are walking into the woods together. The kid says "Hey, these woods sure do look dark and scary." The guy says "How do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone!"   BA DUM BAH!!! "

" @TheMustacheHero: That just made my night sir.   Anyways, this is a really tasteless joke, you've been warned.  A pedo and a kid are walking into the woods together. The kid says "Hey, these woods sure do look dark and scary." The guy says "How do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone!"   BA DUM BAH!!! "

" @TheMustacheHero: That just made my night sir.   Anyways, this is a really tasteless joke, you've been warned.  A pedo and a kid are walking into the woods together. The kid says "Hey, these woods sure do look dark and scary." The guy says "How do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone!"   BA DUM BAH!!! "

" @Everyones_A_Critic said:

" @TheMustacheHero: That just made my night sir.   Anyways, this is a really tasteless joke, you've been warned.  A pedo and a kid are walking into the woods together. The kid says "Hey, these woods sure do look dark and scary." The guy says "How do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone!"   BA DUM BAH!!! "

Hmm. "

So, this plane crashes on a cannibal island and there are three survivors. The cannibals tell them that if they bring back 10 of one kind of fruit, they will be freed. The first guy comes back with apples, and the cannibals tell him that if he shoves each of the 10 fruits up his butt, without making any noise he'll be free. After the second apple, he grimaces and his sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The second guy comes back with cherries. On the ninth cherry he laughs and is sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The first guy asks him "why did you laugh? You were on your ninth cherry" and the second guy says "I saw the last guy coming back with watermelons".

A G N B: Thats bang out of order. 
 
I tried to be a peadophile, but I just don't fit. 
 
I called the rape advice helpline today, unfortunately it's only for victims...

" This "

" So, this plane crashes on a cannibal island and there are three survivors. The cannibals tell them that if they bring back 10 of one kind of fruit, they will be freed. The first guy comes back with apples, and the cannibals tell him that if he shoves each of the 10 fruits up his butt, without making any noise he'll be free. After the second apple, he grimaces and his sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The second guy comes back with cherries. On the ninth cherry he laughs and is sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The first guy asks him "why did you laugh? You were on your ninth cherry?" and the second guy says "I saw the last game coming back with watermelons". "

Did you guys hear, Ellen Degeneres died the other day....
 
Yeah she drowned in Ricky lake.

RACIST  joke: 
 
why can't black kids play in sand boxes? 
 
because the cat will bury them for being shit.

Okay, this is like the only straight up joke I know by heart (that i didn't get from a comedian)  
So there was this guy that got a promotion, and the first thing he did was upgrade his refrigerator, which worked fine, but didn't have as much space. He's rolling in money, so he didn't want to bother with selling it, so he sets it out at the end of his driveway with a sign that said "free to a good home". 
the fridge sat out there for 5 days, before the man finally had an idea. He changed the sign to say "500 bucks or best offer" and went to sleep. 
The next day the fridge was gone. 

" So, this plane crashes on a cannibal island and there are three survivors. The cannibals tell them that if they bring back 10 of one kind of fruit, they will be freed. The first guy comes back with apples, and the cannibals tell him that if he shoves each of the 10 fruits up his butt, without making any noise he'll be free. After the second apple, he grimaces and his sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The second guy comes back with cherries. On the ninth cherry he laughs and is sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The first guy asks him "why did you laugh? You were on your ninth cherry?" and the second guy says "I saw the last game coming back with watermelons". "

" @Red said:

" So, this plane crashes on a cannibal island and there are three survivors. The cannibals tell them that if they bring back 10 of one kind of fruit, they will be freed. The first guy comes back with apples, and the cannibals tell him that if he shoves each of the 10 fruits up his butt, without making any noise he'll be free. After the second apple, he grimaces and his sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The second guy comes back with cherries. On the ninth cherry he laughs and is sent off to be prepared to be eaten. The first guy asks him "why did you laugh? You were on your ninth cherry?" and the second guy says "I saw the last game coming back with watermelons". "

the last game? "