Help A Transgender Out?

Hey Duderinos, it's someone you don't really know, but someone who loves all of you very deeply. My name was Taylor, but is now Emma. I haven't legally changed it or anything, but... you get the point I hope.

I have been raised in a... Questionable environment/culture (I'm Romani, if you're wondering). And have decided that 1. I am a woman, first and foremost, and 2. I need to get the hell out of dodge, as it were.

My current game plan is to find a new place to live. Right now I reside pretty close to Dallas, Texas. I'd really appreciate it if anyone here can just voice out what's good about their city of choice. I have never really traveled before, so don't know much about the rest of the US besides that I'd really like to live on the west coast. (I want to be close to Jeff, so what?)

One other thing is that it should be pretty inexpensive to live there, since I have absolutely no education to work with at the moment, so even with some roomies I'd be cutting it pretty close for a while, till i get a decent education/job I suppose.

Maybe it goes without saying, but it should be accepting of people in the LGBT community. If they are pretty big on BLT sandwiches, that would be a plus. (Bad joke, sorry.)

I'm sorry if this feels like I'm just throwing my problems on everyone, but I... It's hard. Like, I can't travel and check places out beforehand. So it's kind of all or nothing if I travel somewhere. (My situation is weird. Really weird.) Also sorry if I didn't provide enough information, I'm bad with that stuff

P.S. That Dan Ryckert is a pretty cool dude, huh?

I live in Long Beach, CA. From what I've heard, it's one of the best places in the US for the LGBT community. We ranked #5 according to Nerdwallet. Don't know much about the LGBT community myself, but I've seen numerous rainbow flags around the city. We also have a Gay Pride week that happens a couple times a year. Overall you just get a sense in the city that being gay/transgender isn't a problem at all.

It can be expensive to live here though (as is any place in California). I'm currently paying $1000 for a ghetto 1 bedroom apartment, although it's in a really nice area of the city (close to beach, active and friendly community, etc.). You can probably find studio apartments for around $750/mo., but I would be cautious about the conditions those apartments are in. If you can find someone to room with though a 2 bedroom for ~$1500 would be easy to find.

As far as education we have two community colleges and a state university. I know some people who go to LBCC and like the campus/courses. LBSU is also one of the better state universities.

Hope that helps you out.

First off, I'd like to give you a metaphorical pat on the back and/or internet hug for being able to be open about this stuff, at least on the internet. I'm not trans, but I was in the closet about my being bi for years, so I kinda know where you're coming from.

So far as where to move to... I have no idea. I know San Francisco is pretty accepting of LGBT types, but it's also the most expensive place to live, so maybe not there. I don't really know anything else about the west coast.

That said, I wish you the best of luck, Emma.

Oh, I have a female cousin named Taylor, so even if you don't get your name legally changed or anything, there is precedent that being a normal female name. Not that that matters, it just came to me as I was about to hit the post reply button.

Austin, Tx is only a handful of hours from where you are and have not only a huge community of support but also just generally accept it. You can live in one of the smaller cities that are basically Austin for fairly cheap, and there's plenty of resources out there to get into co-op housing and finding roommates.

Don't come anywhere near Pennsylvania. This place is so backwards that I think its ass and genitals were reversed. I am a pretty conservative guy and this place makes me cringe sometimes.

My best guess would be to head west. California sounds like the best bet any LGBT person could find right now. That is until a couple generations from now when its more commonly accepted. It may be expensive, but I would honestly find any way I could to make a living there if I were you. There is nothing more soul crushing than a toxic community where you're their target. I've been through my fair share of mistreatment for my beliefs and ideals, so I can only imagine you are probably going through some rough shit if its enough for you pack up your bags and leave.

I know it sounds weird, but I was military brat who knows what it feels like to travel a lot and meld in with new communities. If you ever need any additional help or just someone to talk to that won't judge you, feel free to send me a PM :)

Somewhere like Oregon

I don't live in the States so I can't recommend any LGBT-friendly places to live but, assuming you haven't already, you should reach out to a trans charity or support network. I imagine they'd be much better equipped to help you out with that kind of stuff. Best of luck with your transition, Emma!

Didn't have time to read every reply yet, but thanks everyone for trying to help :) And @mooseymcman I know, It's more of a thing of... Becoming a different person, you know? Taylor was a severely depressed dude that almost killed himself. Emma is the person Taylor wishes he was, if that makes sense. This whole thing was so crazy. I feel like a new person already, and I haven't even started taking hormones or anything yet.

But anyway. Seattle and Portland seem pretty high on the list for me so far, and California. I'm still not very sure though yet.

@prettygoodcake I would just move to a different town for now, but I know Romani's all over this damned state. I want to get as far away as possible from this stuff. I mean, there all over the world, but the ones I know are scattered around Texas entirely.

And yes @yoshisaur, A good community is the most important thing on my list, since I'm in the prime example of a bad one. I mean, my parent's and everyone "close" to me calls LGBT people freaks right in front of me. Because of that I can't bear to try and live with them, because I know their true feelings about people like me. I mean, I'm not really conservative, but still. These people are fucking awful. Racist, sexist, homophobic, and anything else you can think of, it probably applies to them.

They... I love them, but they fucked me up pretty good. Taking these steps to break free from them has been the best experience of my life so far.

Oh, and @andorski, I'll check out Long Beach. Sounds like I might be able to cut it there, though I'm not sure yet.

@mooseymcman You actually inspired me to use this forum for advice, with your coming out on here. I've always admired you when lurking on these great little forums. That avatar is fucking great by the way, I always wanted to tell you that :P

I live in Seattle and there's a fairly decent LGBT community. Most of the people in the city of Seattle are pretty open minded but obviously you'll have your fare share of those who aren't. All I gotta say is good luck where ever you land man and best wishes.

I don't really have anything to add, except good luck, and your BLT joke made me laugh.

@exiledastronaut: I am :D-ing so hard right now! Smiling, if that didn't play. And yeah, I totally get wanting to move on with a new name. I think you chose a nice new one.

And thanks about the avatar! It's actually a pixelated Agent York that I took from a YouTube video, flipped around, and added the hat and eyepatch.

Transgendered support isn't on the same level as gay support overall so your pretty awesome to be open on who you actually are (not saying there aren't tons of us who support allowing you to be you)

Your always gonna have a few people no matter where you go who may not understand what youroi through. People often lash out at things that confuse them and they don't understand. All you can do is help them understand and ignore the really big assholes.

I'm in canada so I can't say where in the US Is the best place but your always welcome here! The lgbtq community here is pretty awesome.

Be yourself and the rest will hopefully fall into place.

I don't have any advice or valuable insight for you, but I'd just like to say good luck getting on your feet.

And Dan Ryckert is pretty cool. Glad he's on the team.

@themanwithnoplan: @dt9k: Thanks Y'all. I really hope things work out.

And if anyone else like that guy is wondering, I've thought about doing this for years. And I've decided it's the right thing to do for my (very weird, honest) situation, straight up.

Well, from what people here said and I what I think is that you should do is head towards California but for what city , I do not know.All I can say is good luck on your trip and hope you find a more accepting community.

@exiledastronaut: Have you tried reaching out to former GS writer Carolyn Petit for some advice? Sorry if I couldn't offer anything more specific though.

Chicago is pretty accepting of different lifestyles. Read up on Boystown by Wrigleyville.

It's not close to Jeff. But Jeff's on the internet every day, anyway.

I live in Cleveland, a progressive bastion in a pretty conservative state. The LGBT community is growing here, and supportive, but I don't know a ton about it tbh. Here's a link that could help you. Otherwise, Northeast Ohio has a low cost of living, and we're always looking for smart, talented young people to move here. Good luck to you!

I live in san francisco, and, as it is reputed, it is a very LGBT friendly city, there is a pretty active transgender community, I have some transgender friends here. That said, I don't actually recommend moving here, because it is also absurdly expensive, and also not very close. Best of luck though!

I know Atlanta, Georgia is part of the bible belt but there seems to be a lot of support for the LGBT. It's cheaper to live than a lot of the other California locations mentioned.

@exiledastronaut: I wouldn't worry about a town that specifically calls itself gay friendly. You don't want to spend $6000 a month in rent, have no car, and rely on drones to carry $15 cans of soup to your window.

Spoiled brat California cities have some of the world's meanest, most hateful, belittling bullies.

Only advantage over the kind of town in the South stuck in the 19th century is that frat boys/CEOs have more to lose and wouldn't risk their careers by threatening you.

They will still be mean and rude and obnoxious and harassing, but you'll be able to turn the other cheek and avoid discrimination enough to get hired.

Anyways, boring old medium town suburban northeast America might actually be your best bet. Less fear and less hate, less expense, but no parades or nights of the week at bars dedicated to people just like you.

Austin's only a couple hours away and is one of the most liberal cities in the nation. I don't know anything about the transgender community, but gays and lesbians are accepted as completely normal by most people. If you don't want to live in the city, you could live in somewhere like Round Rock (smaller city just outside of Austin).

Best of luck.

@mikey87144: I'm gonna look into it, any specific part of the atlanta area I should check out?

@exiledastronaut: Yo, Emma.

There are people like you (and you and you and yooouuu [this is me pointing to every different person in the world]) in very nearly every place in all the modern world. Even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes/most of the time.

Places, ultimately, can end up mattering very little when the thing you want to deal with is people. You might very well move to the best city in the world, but end up living next to a total scumbag.

Also, I strongly urge you to consider the practicalities of being able to live in a new place. Money and work and bills and transport and food and so on. Gettin' up in dat education is very nearly always a good thing, and either having it or lacking it could, in turn, affect how and where you live in the medium to long term.

Regardless, despite whatever I was babbling about above, I wish you all the very best with your continuing journey towards a better life.

(If you ever happen to swing by my neck of the woods here in the UK, I'd be more than happy to rustle you up a homemade pizza or falafel or something.)

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@fattony12000: God damnit, I think you made me come to my senses... Or not, I don't really know anymore :P

Moving is still something I need to do, but so far away? I'm gonna talk to a guy who lived in Austin, see what he says about it.

This past couple of weeks has been so ridiculous, in both good/bad ways. I really don't know what to do unfortunately :/

@exiledastronaut: I can't really speak too specifically. Downtown Decatur and Buckhead are good places to start. The surrounding suburbs aren't too bad either but don't look for anything North of Gwinnett county. After that that's when the Bible belt part starts to rear it's ugly head.

This is what I'd suggest as well. I listen to a podcast with two guys from Austin, and they occasionally bring up how accepting it is. They even told a story about how they knew a guy who would ONLY date transgender people. So yeah, that's a good bet I'd say.

I live in Portland, Oregon. It's really a nice place. We have great food carts, bearable weather, and a very accepting community. We also have fun events, like an annual naked bike ride, if you're into that sort of thing.

Only drawback would be that moving here is getting more and more expensive. We've been getting more attention the past few years, with things like Portlandia and high rankings in those "Best places to live" lists, that are bringing a lot of people here. So, if you aren't moving soon, it's likely that moving out here will be even more expensive than it is right now.

It's also worth mentioning that You live pretty close to Austin, and Austin is a very accepting place from what I've heard.

As one of your resident outspoken trans women:

Seattle is VERY good about this sort of thing, I know that more than a few of us are in the area and if you like the girlies, Seattle has toooonsa lesbians. Toooonsa!

I hear that Portland is also very good about it, and certain areas of California. Austin and Houston are closer to you and both are also good options. Major metropolitan areas tend to be the best about accepting non cis/het lifestyles.

I also hear from a trans lady friend of mine that Minneapolis is the transgender capital of the United States.

Not everyone is going to be 100% behind you on this no matter where you go, but these are good places to try. Just remember that cities are VERY expensive to live in, even with roommates to split the rent with. It's not a terrible idea to live close to a city, but still close enough that access to it isn't a pain. In my case, I am not in Seattle and my rent is $1025 for a three bedroom, two bathroom apartment with two friends, whereas my friends in Seattle can expect to pay $1200 before utilities for a one bedroom, one bathroom.

Whatever you do, as a pre transition trans girly, make sure you research options for pursuing it in the area you want to move to. Look up therapists, trans friendly health care providers, network with the local trans communities if can.

You can do this, Emma! It's a lot of work and a lot of heartache, but reaching the goals you've set for yourself here feels SO good. My fingers are crossed and I will do whatever I can to help you succeed.

Damn the us is very expensive ... 1000 bucks + ???? In my country you get a house in a nice area for that kind of money D: ... oh yeah by the way if you by any chance think of Mexico as a alternative you better not because we are pretty close minded when it comes to LGBT folks. Regardless sorry if this post is pretty much useless but I wish you luck Emma and may things work out great for you.

If you want to stay in Texas, Austin is a good option.

I live in Vancouver. Canada in general is pretty good about all sorts of LGBT stuff, and Vancouver especially seems to be one of the more progressive areas. I know a lot of people in that community here and there always seems to be a ton of good shit going on. Plus it's in Canada, which is the best place to be. Expensive as hell to live around here, though. Good luck with everything, Emma!

You know what? Fuck it. I think I'm going to tell my sister about this soon. I know she loves me, so it can't be the worst thing.

I lived in Houston for several years - and can tell you that portions of that city are remarkably accepting and tolerant. In any big metropolitan area you will find an accepting community - though you might have to look a bit at first. Good luck - and absolutely tell your sister - life is too short. If one of my siblings came out of the closet as being gay/transgender/etc they would get nothing but support from me (and I think most people). If someone has a problem then that's on them not you.

Good luck!!!

@aetheldod: It certainly can be, but they're talking about big cities. In the forgotten little town I live in, we rent a small 2 & 1/2 bedroom house for 625 a month. More on topic, my old home town of Rochester, NY was pretty accepting overall, and the many small towns/suburbs surrounding it weren't too expensive. New York state in general is pretty accepting as long as you're outside the REALLY small towns in the ass end of the upstate region.

Best of luck.

That's all I have to offer.

The people offering better advice than I are good people to listen to, mix that with what you know and what you feel...and you'll probably end up getting close to going down the path you should go down.

I was not trying to make you "come to your senses", sorry if it came off as negative in that way. But thinking carefully about things (I understand your situation is not particularly abundant in the resource of time and the luxury of comfort) is usually always a Good Move.

I'm getting to this reply a few hours late, I'm afraid, so I wish you the best of luck with your next move of speaking to your sister.

As many here have noted, Austin is very tolerant compared to the wastes of small-minded thought cultural antagonism you'll find throughout most of Texas. That said, the largely-suburban "towns" in the surrounding area will be generally more conservative places, though having been schooled for five years with that community I can tell you they're not always unwilling to hear contradiction. Of course, being a straight, white guy may have helped get my foot in the door, in that sense.

However you decide, I hope things turn out for the better! No one deserves that sort of needling, psychological aggression.

@fattony12000: No no no, it's okay :P I guess I'm just a little on edge is all.

But anyway, I told her, for better or worse. Now she's going to try and convince me this is the wrong thing to do :/ She says I'm running away from my real self (this is my real self, damn it.)

She also said how shitty it would be for me to have to move, so I should either keep this a secret or just find the real problem. I ask what that could be and she said "I don't know. We'll find out though."

I mean, as crappy as they can be, cutting all contact from my blood sounds like a hard thing to do. She brought up the fact that she may be having a baby in the future, and I won't be able to see it. I also won't be able to play that sick new REmake with my brother-in-law, but hey... I just might have to do it.

I don't know. The prospect of moving away and finally starting my real life sounds exciting as fuck, but still...

Life be hard sometimes, I guess.

We are pretty chill up here in Seattle about transgender rights and being decent human beings. (Even though that one guy from Seattle that sent an email to the bombcast wipes standing up.) We have a pretty good technology industry up here so jobs are plentiful. We actually need more higher tier support and troubleshooting people. Back to Seattle and the transgender stuff. Seattleites in general are fairly supportive. You won't be looked at oddly at interviews or anything as far as I know but I am just a CIS male. (I think that's the term? Hetro-male?) Anyways, Seattle is pretty supportive and has a large amount of tech jobs if that's your thing. As for the price, if you live in a suburb you can get rent for ~900 (1 bed 1 bath) -1100 (2 bed 1 bath) a month. A starting tier 3 support makes about 50k - 60k so it's plenty to go out and do stuff on your own. You just have to know some light programming (Ruby, Python, Perl, etc) and decent communication skills (Be better than the guys they outsource calls too.) and you should be a perfect canidate for Amazon, Comcast, T-Mobile, Frontier or any of the other couple dozen technology based companies up here. I will say that if you are trying to get into the game industry it is crowded! We have a ton of game companies up here but also a ton of nerdy tech support and other tech based jobs that dream about getting into the game industry (then leave after 3 years at most because they have no clue what it's like.)

Just my two cents on Seattle. It's great and has tons of well paying tech jobs with low rent.

The common refrains of Be Yourself and It Gets Better seem a little disingenuous when you add family to the mix. But trust me on this. If you put your happiness first, and your family really loves you, they'll have your back when they see that you're living the life you should be living.

I don't think your sister's reaction was an accurate reflection of how she feels. I think it stems from a part of her that feels like she's losing her brother. Give it time, and she'll be able to articulate how she really feels. Once she realizes that you're not a different person, but rather living on the outside the way you've been feeling on the inside for your entire life, she'll be in your corner.

I went through something similar a while ago. If you want to see how everything worked out for me, you could browse through this thread. For what it's worth, I think you sought help in the right forums. The Giant Bomb community can work some serious magic.

Minneapolis and St. Paul are in Minnesota, which is one of the most liberal states in the US. From what I've heard, Minneapolis is even the second most liberal (and therefore, trans friendly) city in the country, behind San Francisco, but it's in the Midwest, so it's fairly small by American city standards, and St. Paul, which is the actual capital of Minnesota, is even smaller. Smaller cities will always be cheaper, I have a two-bedroom apartment in St. Paul for $1000 a month, and I live closer to the wealthy area of the city; you'll probably be able to find places for much cheaper. Also, Dan Ryckert spent some amount of his life here. The suburbs will also be cheaper, but the further you get from the cities the less tolerant (though still super tolerant by nationwide standards) people will get, and it'll be harder to find an apartment. Hope this helps!

Family isn't a requirement. If they don't treat you well, and they don't show you that they love you with what they do, then find a new family in your peers. I don't know what your family is like, but you say that they are crappy and 'questionable', so I will take that to mean that they are not good, as people in good families don't say that. Let's say that you have been emotionally neglected. Maybe your parents did not give you affection of any kind throughout your childhood, or perhaps you were even abused, verbally or physically. If you feel like you need to continue loving them or being with them out of societal obligation because "family is family" and "blood is thicker than water", or perhaps because "they don't know how to show me their love", then it is time to change your perspective about who deserves your love. It can be very rough being on your own, but if that is what it takes to leave an abusive household, that is a step you might need to take.

Of course, don't read this to mean I advocate abandoning families with love in them, but people are so often stuck in families who don't deserve them because they read abuse and poor parenting as forms of love, out of a biological necessity to believe their family loves them. If your family is like this or not, I don't know, but in the end, your family gets to keep you only if you want them to.

Seattle and Portland are pretty cool, DC has the Circle, but it's stupid expensive.

@kcin: "Your family gets to keep you only if you want them to." I don't know why, but those words really hit me hard. It's like, I feel an obligation to stay with them. I keep looking at this from their angle, and how they would feel if I leave.

I've found that my favorite way to talk about my problems is distill them into wishes, and what would happen if I had a complete say. (I realize this isn't a catch-all, but I think it works here) 1. I would be a cis female (yes @mjbrune, that's right :P) and 2. I wouldn't want to stay here anymore. I'd go out on my own and find some new people to be with.

I'm going to keep talking with my therapist, some supporting internet friends, and looking at places to live. I'm going to see where this goes, but I think I already know.

EDIT: Side note, Seattle sounds like a good place, but one question (Sorry if it was answered already) Is the job situation okay there?

@exiledastronaut: Super late on this. I have no clue why if I am @'ed does it not send me a message or some sort of notifier. Anyways subbed to the forum. The jobs here are great for tech people. Not great for others. Not worse than say any other major city, it's not like Detroit, more like Dallas or say L.A. We have tons of tech jobs though, that and medical are in hugedemand here.