How do I keep friends?

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Devil240Z

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Edited By Devil240Z

I have alot of so called friends. Mostly they just ignore me like I don't exist. Even my best friend for the last 12+ years treats me like crap. I haven't hung out with a friend of mine in years. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or not. There is one person who I think I would be pretty close to but he moved to another city so we don't get to hang out very often. I don't know what to do. I always had this dream that as I became an adult I would get to have all these awesome adult frienships like on "How I met your mother" or something. But other than my girlfriend I have no real day to day friends. I mean there is this long list of people who I love and would do anything for, but I don't think that they feel the same way about me. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I offer up everything I have, and get nothing in return.

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Devil240Z

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#1  Edited By Devil240Z

I have alot of so called friends. Mostly they just ignore me like I don't exist. Even my best friend for the last 12+ years treats me like crap. I haven't hung out with a friend of mine in years. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or not. There is one person who I think I would be pretty close to but he moved to another city so we don't get to hang out very often. I don't know what to do. I always had this dream that as I became an adult I would get to have all these awesome adult frienships like on "How I met your mother" or something. But other than my girlfriend I have no real day to day friends. I mean there is this long list of people who I love and would do anything for, but I don't think that they feel the same way about me. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I offer up everything I have, and get nothing in return.

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nightriff

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#2  Edited By nightriff

Maybe that because you offer everything up they then can walk over you. I have had friends in the past that are assholes too me and I try to be nice but sometimes you just got go "Fuck you dude" and walk away. Really I think you just got to find people that you have something in common with and enjoy time with and work on that relationship. I think as you grew older you and your friends grew apart, that sounds normal as people move on with their life. You girlfriend doesn't treat you this way does she?

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Devil240Z

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#3  Edited By Devil240Z

@Nightriff said:

You girlfriend doesn't treat you this way does she?

Not at all.

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#4  Edited By nightriff

@Devil240Z said:

@Nightriff said:

You girlfriend doesn't treat you this way does she?

Not at all.

That's good to hear. You seem annoyed that they treat you this way, why are you still trying when they aren't putting forth the effort?

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Devil240Z

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#5  Edited By Devil240Z

@Nightriff said:

@Devil240Z said:

@Nightriff said:

You girlfriend doesn't treat you this way does she?

Not at all.

That's good to hear. You seem annoyed that they treat you this way, why are you still trying when they aren't putting forth the effort?

Because I feel like I would have to start from scratch to make new friends. That seems like far too much work. I love everything about my friends except that they ignore me almost completely.

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nightriff

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#6  Edited By nightriff

@Devil240Z: I would think them paying attention to you should be more important. I find it hard to believe you "love" everything about them if they don't give you the time of day. That is the opposite of love. Maybe having them reach out to you instead might show them that you aren't going to put it up with how they treat you anymore.

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Devil240Z

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#7  Edited By Devil240Z

@Nightriff said:

@Devil240Z: I would think them paying attention to you should be more important. I find it hard to believe you "love" everything about them if they don't give you the time of day. That is the opposite of love. Maybe having them reach out to you instead might show them that you aren't going to put it up with how they treat you anymore.

I've tried that, I get met with silence.

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nightriff

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#8  Edited By nightriff

@Devil240Z said:

I've tried that, I get met with silence.

Fuck them then dude. That is how I am and how I would react if I'm in the same situation as you. If you can't do that then just try and talk to them and ask them why they act the way they do?

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Devil240Z

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#9  Edited By Devil240Z

@Nightriff said:

@Devil240Z said:

I've tried that, I get met with silence.

Fuck them then dude. That is how I am and how I would react if I'm in the same situation as you. If you can't do that then just try and talk to them and ask them why they act the way they do?

I don't know. I think you're probably right but I don't know where I would begin to go an make new friends. I feel like I am attracted to people who wouldn't normally be attracted to me. Like I'm a nerd but most of my friends are jocks. I just don't get along with other nerds. I feel like they look down on me for not being nerdy enough.

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#10  Edited By nightriff

@Devil240Z: Interesting, kinda of the same way. Not that I'm an expert or anything, but just be yourself, don't try and nerd it up or down depending on how you are with. If they can't except you for who you are then why are they worth your time?

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Devil240Z

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#11  Edited By Devil240Z

@Nightriff said:

@Devil240Z: Interesting, kinda of the same way. Not that I'm an expert or anything, but just be yourself, don't try and nerd it up or down depending on how you are with. If they can't except you for who you are then why are they worth your time?

I feel like these people do accept me. They just don't make any time for me. I mean my "best" friend for example, I know he accepts me we have been friends for a long time. But in the last 1-2 years we don't really hang out anymore. He still hits me up to play games online, but I don't want to game with him I want to hang out like normal people do. I have plenty of online friends to game with, I seek real human interaction.

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#12  Edited By nightriff

@Devil240Z: Then tell him that. Tell him lets go to the bar, go see a movie, shit like that. Plan it out ahead. Lets do something on Saturday. That's all you got to do. Force their hand into making time in their schedule.

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BigChickenDinner

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#13  Edited By BigChickenDinner

I was gonna come in here and say somin, but uh, there seems to be enough good advice and bro love in here to last for years!

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Devil240Z

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#14  Edited By Devil240Z

@Nightriff said:

@Devil240Z: Then tell him that. Tell him lets go to the bar, go see a movie, shit like that. Plan it out ahead. Lets do something on Saturday. That's all you got to do. Force their hand into making time in their schedule.

I know you're right. I'm not very outgoing. I guess I expect people to hit me up. I guess I should, I just don't know how to start. I thought posting on facebook saying, "If you think you're my friend then ask me to hang out" would be enough.

Though my so called BFF is a different story. I hit him up pretty regularly, though I have begun to give up on him, Ive tried everything Ive tried asking to hang out, ive tried not asking him to hang out, he is either too busy or just flat out ignores me. I know that he is busy with his job and his Girlfriend, his manipulative bitch girlfriend has ruined most of his friendships. I thought I was in the clear as while he was in his 15 or so months of training for the airforce reserves I saw her almost every day, like we were friends. I helped her out, gave her rides, had meals with her. She even tried to hook me up with friends of hers. I killed a spider for her! All sorts of things. but the day he came back it was like I didn't exist.

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Devil240Z

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#15  Edited By Devil240Z

@BigChickenDinner said:

I was gonna come in here and say somin, but uh, there seems to be enough good advice and bro love in here to last for years!

I feel like I could use some bro love.

If it weren't for my Girlfriend I would be in a much darker place right now. She keeps me afloat.

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Dexter_Morgan_

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#16  Edited By Dexter_Morgan_

I was going to make a transformers joke, but that would have been kind of mean.

Just do you! You don't need friends. Have this attitude and it will come naturally. That's how I do it at least.

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Devil240Z

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#17  Edited By Devil240Z

@Dexter_Morgan_ said:

I was going to make a transformers joke, but that would have been kind of mean.

Just do you! You don't need friends. Have this attitude and it will come naturally. That's how I do it at least.

haha, yeah. I feel like a loner at heart. Ive been alone most of my life. but the desire for friendship is so strong its hard to ignore.

Like I sit here doing my thing day to day, I play games and do shit on my computer. My desire is to find someone to pull me out of my fantasy world and into real life.

And I guess i'm feeling extra lonely because my girlfriend just graduated from college and moved back to her parents place. ITS NOT AS BIG A DEAL AS IT SOUNDS! She used to live in a dorm one block from my house, now she lives about a half hour away in a nearby city. Basically the main issue is that we don't really have a place to have sex anymore, because we both live with our parents.

Again to clarify, I am 23 years old and I would live on my own if I had a bloody job but I cant seem to get one for the life of me. Basically as soon as we both get jobs we will get our own place. But this blog post isn't about my romantic life. Its about my social life.

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#18  Edited By galiant

@Devil240Z: People are difficult, I'll give you that. I don't really have any stellar advice I'm afraid, I don't have that many friends myself. I moved in with my girlfriend a couple of years ago and most of my friends I got to know years before that while I was living abroad, so they're spread out all over the world by now since they've graduated and whatnot.

Anyway, my point is, that besides my family and my fiancée I only have about two people locally that I hang out with and do stuff with on a semi-regular basis, and that's fine by me. You mention that both you and your girlfriend live with your own parents, so I'd say don't worry about it. Just take care of your relationship with your girlfriend and be comfortable with yourself, and the rest will come naturally as you join a new university, get a job, move to a new home - these things have a way of solving themselves and you will most likely meet new people whether you want to or not.

Best of luck to you!

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Devil240Z

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#19  Edited By Devil240Z

@Galiant: Thank you.

I just wish I had more male friends to do guy stuff with.

My real hope is to make a life for myself on my own or hopefully with my girlfriend whom I wish to marry some day. She is amazing, I guess after this whole topic I would say that she is my best friend and we both want the same things in life, a home, children(in the future when we are financially prepared.) and all that. But I don't know, I have never been this happy in my life before. I am constantly expecting it all to come crashing down on me. If it weren't for her I would "commit suicide" by joining the marines, I don't give a fuck about my country I just cant think of anything better to do with my self without friends or love in my life. (this is something that no one knows about me besides myself and the readers of this post.)

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xdaknightx69

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#20  Edited By xdaknightx69

@Devil240Z said:

Because I feel like I would have to start from scratch to make new friends. That seems like far too much work. I love everything about my friends except that they ignore me almost completely.

i would never call anyone that ignores me or treats me like shit a friend. make new friends and yes its hard but anything in life that's worth having is. don't put up with peoples shit.

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corewalker

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#21  Edited By corewalker

@Devil240Z

I have similar issues with maintaining friendships. I used to go out of my way to make/keep friends, but unfortunately that always leads to them responding the same way the ppl are with you. I've heard that it's a system of "social value" that is off kilter. That mixed with the failing of the family unit has left most ppl with really sorry social skills. In my country, our basic social structure is based on competition and hierarchies that trains most ppl to either be submissive or dominant with no real in between. Thats great if you're trying to climb a treacherous corporate ladder, but leaves a lot to be desired where friendship is concerned.

Getting older definitely does not open a door for keeping friends or making new ones. Ppl get married, have kids, focus on careers. You will find ppl you can talk to at work. I totally don't suggest the military unless your hearts in it. Once you're in, if you don't like the view...too bad you're stuck there. They say the friends you make in college are the friends you have for life. That's bullshit too. I joined a social fraternity in college. Met a bunch of ppl, drank a SHITLOAD OF BEER, got in a little trouble and had some fun. Nothing I wanted to maintain once I was out of school though.

You sound like a smart guy. The fact that you're questioning the value of your relationships shows it. Focusing on yourself will build your confidence and help you be at peace with yourself, that can really attract ppl. If you're happy with yourself, ppl can tell and they want to be around that. I can't tell you how to do that though. I'm thinking about joining the Freemasons personally. I'm hoping to find some honest ppl so at least I know who I'm dealing with, and at the end of the day I can feel good about myself for helping children.

Not having a steady income can hamper meeting new ppl too. I can't think of a single thing to do in my town without money, besides going to the park. That's probably not an accident, but I'm not going to get conspiracy theory about that shit. You might try learning a musical instrument. There is a lot of satisfaction in it, the world needs more musicians, and it's a good way to meet good ppl who might not judge you based on what you look like or get "nerdier than thou".

Good luck brother.

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#22  Edited By Phatmac

you trap them in your house.

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TheVeteran13

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#23  Edited By TheVeteran13
In a box on your shelf
In a box on your shelf
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#24  Edited By wjb

I have a decent number of acquaintances, but lately I can only say I have two good friends. When you get to your 30's, most people are married with kids, and don't have time for anything. I have neither and I don't have time for anything.

When I was younger, I watched Friends and thought it would be cool to have 5 other people like the cast as close friends. Problem is, that doesn't exist; it's a TV show. Maybe people have better luck if they live in a major city, but I don't see a ton of groups like that when I go out (and I live in a decent-sized city with 700,000+ people). It's usually a group of dudes or a group of girls. If there is a group with both, it's probably a group of couples and half of them only know each other through their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. As nice it would be to have 3 female friends and 2 guy friends (and one of them could be black! One could dream!), I'm happy to have anything. And besides, hanging out at the same goddamn coffee shop or bar like on these shows would be fucking depressing after a while.

I understand wanting to have a social life and do stuff, but if your current friends are shitheads, then it's not really worth it in the long-term. I've burned through a ton of "friends," but I eventually found some that I liked.

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Its good to be hard on them at times, friends take things for granted very easily and most people will never stop once they start doing it.

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#26  Edited By Video_Game_King

In a well protected meat locker.....Oh, how. Ignore my advice.

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#27  Edited By SmilingPig

Social skills are hard to master (I sure never did). As for me, I always had like one good friend and now that friend is my girlfriend.

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#28  Edited By natetodamax

Take a mortal blow for them in combat.

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#29  Edited By itsVASH

It's all about measuring expectations man... you consider these people your friends so you put them at a certain level and for that reason have certain expectations of them... look... friends are great... but any relationship is a two way street... and if you feel your investing more than your receiving then I guess reevaluate.... your not playing the stock market trying to get a bigger pay off for a smaller input... its a relationship and typically with relationships you care about.... you will end up putting in more than your will get back... either live with that or reevaluate the relationship or reevaluate your EXPECTATIONS... trust me... we've all been there

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laserbolts

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#30  Edited By laserbolts

What exactly are you looking for in return? I have friends that I consider friends even though I don't call them up often. Just because you haven't seen or hung out with them in a while doesn't mean they aren't your friends. If you are looking for someone that hangs out with you alot why don't you try to meet new people. I have a few people in my life that I would consider good friends that I only talk to on the internet maybe 3 or 4 times a year. They live far away but I still consider them good friends and I would do anything for them.

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Devil240Z

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#31  Edited By Devil240Z

Alright guys, Ive learned alot from your responses. I think I will do better now, keeping my expectations of people in check. I guess I should just focus on the relationships that I know are solid, which are my girlfriend and one guy. Though he lives in another city two hours away. We actually hang out in google chat and watch the same movies at the same time as if we were really hanging out. Honestly I think I take that dude for granted, I ought to be a better friend to him.

I am remembering highschool, I would hang out with people who were vastly more popular than me. I followed them like a sheep. I should have spent more time with people who actually liked me.

Edit: you people never cese to shock me with you responses to my blogs. I either get zero comments, very negative one, or very positive ones like now.

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ItBeStefYo

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#32  Edited By ItBeStefYo

@Devil240Z: You've probably sacrificed your friends for your girlfriend.

Dunno, maybe you're pussywhipped

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TheDudeOfGaming

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#33  Edited By TheDudeOfGaming

Here's what you do. Get new friends.

@SmilingPig said:

Social skills are hard to master (I sure never did).

It's not if you drink liquor. I say that a lot, but only because it's true.

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#34  Edited By CheapPoison

Also a possibility, Just be a dick back. Some of my best friend.. well we are kinda dick to eachother. but i guess we don't perceive it as such.

Also why so depressed it seems you got a good thing going with your girlfriend. Being best friends with her is also all kinda of awesome. I can't give you any realy advice cause i don't want to pretend i know better. Buck up!

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#35  Edited By SmilingPig
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#36  Edited By Leptok

Maybe they get the impression that you don't like to hang out?

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#37  Edited By S0ndor

You're a push-over. It's logical for people to treat you like shit if you give them everything. Be assertive, give people a call if you want to hang with them, and don't act like a pansy. You're not going to be anybody's friend by acting like a groupie.

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#38  Edited By DemBones

You need to learn how to let go. You come off as needy and bending over backwards to maintain a friendship just makes it worse. If you ever want your dream having awesome adult friendships to come true, you need to get out there and meet new people. Before you do any of this, it might be a good idea to do some soul searching to fix anything that would make people want to avoid you.

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#39  Edited By napalm

@Devil240Z said:

@Nightriff said:

You girlfriend doesn't treat you this way does she?

Not at all.

Spend more time with your girlfriend. Fuck everybody else.

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#40  Edited By Draugen

Uhm, hate to tell you this, but these people don't sound like friends at all, but aquiantainces.

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#41  Edited By OppressiveStink

@Devil240Z:

I'm going to give you some advice as a dude who's got a decent size group of friends and who's a 31 year old adult, so I know about how people grow up and change.

You're worried your friends are flaking out? For the most part, they aren't, they just have shit to do, and if you're waiting for THEM to contact YOU, you'll be waiting for a long time. If they've got a wife, kids, job, bills, they're focusing on about how to make ends meet, how to make sure everything is done they need to be done, you know, adult shit.

If you wanna hang out with your bros, call them, plan to do something with them, and if they don't have the time move on to the next friend. Don't be hung up on "Oh no! What if they don't like me!". Guys are pretty transparent, if they don't want to hang out with you, especially if you're a dude, they'll tell you. To this day, I still have to call my friends to make sure they're up for doing something, otherwise, they'll sit on their asses at home and watch Hulu, or Netflix, or play games. It's just the way people grow up and change.

Or how about this, something that helps my group of friends stay together is to go out to dinner, all together, once a week. This helps me see who's going to be up for doing things and who isn't. You get to see em all and maintain that group cohesion. Expect attendance to ebb and flow though, just like anything in life.

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#42  Edited By inevpatoria

@OppressiveStink: Yeah. This is pretty much true.

Also, just in general, don't be too self-serious.

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Devil240Z

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#43  Edited By Devil240Z

@ItBeStefYo said:

@Devil240Z: You've probably sacrificed your friends for your girlfriend.

Dunno, maybe you're pussywhipped

Haha thats not it at all. This has been going on alot longer than I have been with my girlfriend. If anything things have improved since I got into a relationship.

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#44  Edited By Clairabel

@OppressiveStink said:

@Devil240Z:

I'm going to give you some advice as a dude who's got a decent size group of friends and who's a 31 year old adult, so I know about how people grow up and change.

You're worried your friends are flaking out? For the most part, they aren't, they just have shit to do, and if you're waiting for THEM to contact YOU, you'll be waiting for a long time. If they've got a wife, kids, job, bills, they're focusing on about how to make ends meet, how to make sure everything is done they need to be done, you know, adult shit.

If you wanna hang out with your bros, call them, plan to do something with them, and if they don't have the time move on to the next friend. Don't be hung up on "Oh no! What if they don't like me!". Guys are pretty transparent, if they don't want to hang out with you, especially if you're a dude, they'll tell you. To this day, I still have to call my friends to make sure they're up for doing something, otherwise, they'll sit on their asses at home and watch Hulu, or Netflix, or play games. It's just the way people grow up and change.

Or how about this, something that helps my group of friends stay together is to go out to dinner, all together, once a week. This helps me see who's going to be up for doing things and who isn't. You get to see em all and maintain that group cohesion. Expect attendance to ebb and flow though, just like anything in life.

Pretty much everything this guy said.

Guys are pretty much in your face about this kinda stuff, if they don't like you then they'll just tell you. Girls on the other hand, very different story.

Sometimes you need to go that little extra to make an effort - if they make the effort back then they do still care, they're just busy with life. If not, then fuck them.

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DriveupLife

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#45  Edited By DriveupLife

Why don't you have a job? Did you go to college? If you get a job you can have money to do things with the friends you make.

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InternetCrab

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#46  Edited By InternetCrab

I would recommend to just throw those friends away and make new friends. It's not very hard. I have made about 5 new friends when hanging out in nightclubs, cafés, and school.

If your friends treat you like shit, and you are trying everything for them to like you and it doesn't work, there isn't much to do. If you are still in school, try to make new friends in your majors.

Good luck! :D