How Do You Deal With Derogatory Language In The Workplace?

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deactivated-5f8907c9ada33

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I work in an office building, a typical 9-5 job and around me my co-workers use pretty inappropriate language. I'm not sure what to do (or if I should even bother saying anything). Normally I wouldn't have an issue telling people that's "Hey, that's not cool", but a lot of my co-workers are people I went to University with so I've known them for a while - yet - phrases like [mod edit: please don't use slurs even if you're quoting someone else] and even racial slurs are tossed around. The sad part is these guys are visible minorities yet they continue to use this language because ... "I don't give power to the words, I'm not racist/homophobic"

I mean to me this is totally inappropriate in any scenario, and even especially so in an office environment. Yet part of me feels like I shouldn't say anything since I see these people everyday. It does bother me though and definitely makes me lose respect for them, despite the fact that they've been the nicest people to me and actually did help me get a job there.

How would you go about dealing with this?

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falserelic

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(Funny enough)

Yesterday, I tried to make a topic talking about a ignorant co-worker, but it ended up getting deleted and I got temporarily banned for no reason. To answer the question it happens at my job aswell. People can be real stupid, but it comes with the job. We all have to deal with ignorance at the workplace.

My advice is don't pay no mind to it. If they're not coming at you sideways then just let it go.

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Fallen189

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As a teacher of 8 year olds, I just say "hey stop that or 5 minutes off playtime"

Works a charm

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Karkarov

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#4  Edited By Karkarov

That depends. Are they saying it to/about you, one of your coworkers, or someone they are talking to on the phone or some customer who just left? If they are saying it about a customer and it isn't patently racist or something similar I would suck it up and deal with it. If they are saying it about you or one of your coworkers... go to your supervisor. Unless of course the customer hears it, in which case, go to your supervisor.

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artofwar420

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I will just refer to Dave Chappelle's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." Some people might not be saying these things out of malice, and if there are a few, getting all tumblr-activist on them won't help the situation except to alienate you from your co-workers. Yes, it's not proper, but for them it seems it's just a way of speaking. You might keep it real if you tell them or tell on them, but you'll come off as petty and precious. I propose the best thing you can do is to use language that you find proper yourself, don't crash and burn mate.

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Video_Game_King

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*taps crown a bit* You think Imma put up with that shit?

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falserelic

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I will just refer to Dave Chappelle's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." Some people might not be saying these things out of malice, and if there are a few, getting all tumblr-activist on them won't help the situation except to alienate you from your co-workers. Yes, it's not proper, but for them it seems it's just a way of speaking. You might keep it real if you tell them or tell on them, but you'll come off as petty and precious. I propose the best thing you can do is to use language that you find proper yourself, don't crash and burn mate.

Yesterday, I had a co-worker that got fired. He tried to fight another co-worker for no reason. He kept it too real and got kicked out the store. He had a attitude problem and everybody got tired of his ass (Me included). I always try to respect people, but if someone cross a line with me then I'm done with that person. At the end of the day I'm there to make money.

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KarlPilkington

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Whenever someone says something like that I point it out and say "Really?", it definitely annoys me. However I'd only do that if we were friends.

Actually I have better idea, hide chilli peppers in their lunch, it's the only solution.

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deactivated-5f8907c9ada33

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@artofwar420: Thanks. It seems like the general consensus here is to avoid it and move along. I mean I've never replicated the language they use since I started working there almost a year ago, so they probably know I don't say the things they say.

@karkarov: It's usually just generalizing about a racial group, or like I said in the OP describing things as being "gay".

@falserelic: Oh, I didn't realize that this may be against the rules...? If so, my apologies!

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MooseyMcMan

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Given that I don't have a job, I don't really run into stuff like this too often. But, I feel like trying to politely ask the person in question to not say things like that is about the best I can do. I mean, I can't ban people and delete comments in real life.

Yet.

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deactivated-5f8907c9ada33

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@karlpilkington: Definitely do that in front of friends, much hard at the work place. I mean I see these people everyday and I'm not close to all of them, the one person I am close to is like me and she doesn't say anything offensive like that.

@mooseymcman: If only...

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fattony12000

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There should probably be A Work Thing in place to resolve this/bring this to the attention of people who can resolve this.

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Brendan

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#13  Edited By Brendan

The previous office I worked at wasn't as bad as this but I was surprised when I got there at how many casual slurs I heard on a daily basis. Maybe my unpreparedness is a product of successive generations being more progressive than previous ones, but it really caught me off guard that the people casually throwing out inappropriate language all the time weren't at least nervous about how they would appear in a professional environment.

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falserelic

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@haz said:

@falserelic: Oh, I didn't realize that this may be against the rules...? If so, my apologies!

Yours is fine.

The mod felt like my blog was more of a journal entry, and that my thread title that said ''stupid co-worker'' was inappropriate. When I sent him a message asking about it, all the sudden I was banned. At first I was going to send an angry message, but couldn't. Then I notice he dropped another message saying what I should do if I want the thread up again. At that point I realized maybe it was an accident. So I made an alt account asking him if he banned me on purpose. Then he said he didn't banned me, but someone else did and he took the ban off.

It was just very weird man.

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randyf

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#15  Edited By randyf

While the language isn't the best, I really don't think they are doing it with ill intent.

I try not to let language like that slip, but it definitely happens. When I was a kid, everyone used the terms ---- out of frustration. I get that by using those as negatives you imply that being ---- is a negative thing, but it's really just the equivalent of calling something stupid. It's just words you use when you're angry or annoyed because those are the words that you grew up using in those scenarios.

I'm not condoning the use of the words, though, but I wouldn't necessarily jump on someone for letting those words slip out. If it's bothering you that much, just go to them and ask politely to not use that language around you. Don't go to them acting like they're bad people, because they're probably not.

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veektarius

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I really only had one coworker who talked like that and I just told him his conduct was inappropriate. It didn't really work, though - he kept it up. I could have raised it to the next level, but he was ultimately fired for incompetence anyway.

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hatking

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#17  Edited By hatking

Depends how comfortable you are there. As shitty as it is, calling out bullshit isn't worth an unemployment check. So, if you're still new and these folks have been around, it might not be the best idea to make enemies. Then again, if this is the way these folks conduct themselves, you might want to question how badly you want to be associated with them.

Here's something I've gotten pretty good at though. If somebody makes a joke that comes off shitty and makes you uncomfortable, just don't laugh. When their frat party punchline is greeted with silence, they'll probably rework their material.

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deactivated-5f8907c9ada33

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@hatking: That's actually a good idea. I actually forgot to mention, a lot of this isn't done vocally, it's done through chat (a lot of us chat from Google Hangouts at work, so that's where it primarily happens) -- but it does happen in conversation as well. So far I've been distancing myself. Our office also works a little different in that we have to book seats everyday, it's a flex environment so we don't have a permanent cubicle or desk -- so I've started moving away from them.

@randyf: Yeah, they're nice people... but that stuff does bother me. It's hard to ignore the use of those words when a) I've faced discrimination in my life before and b) people close to me have as well because of their sexual orientation.

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vikingdeath1

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#19  Edited By vikingdeath1

If they are people you actually Know, and they say some ignorant shit like "That guy is a ----" then Absolutely say something!

If it was some coworker you have spoken with maybe once or twice then who gives a shit, let assholes be assholes.

But someone you consider a friend? You let them know they are saying dumbass shit! I would want my friend to do the same.

I mean, don't start anything major, give your 2 cents and be done, but imo you should at least let them know.

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NTM

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#20  Edited By NTM

They seem kind of ignorant, like they haven't learned that that language isn't okay; that being said, I'd say just let it go, even though it does make you lose respect for them. Or you can bring it up, and ask them why they say it, or simply say that them saying it, even though they aren't racist or homophobic, is still considered derogatory and not a socially acceptable way to say things.

I don't think this is something someone can really help you with, it just comes down to how courageous you are, and how much you want to bring it up. To me it seems you lack the confidence (perhaps appropriately so) to say anything since it may ruin your reputation there. If you think it will, then just don't say anything I guess... If it were a co-worker of mine, I'd bring it up; if it were a boss however, I wouldn't.

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medacris

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#21  Edited By medacris

I wouldn't say anything, if it were me, only because I've had a lot of people respond with hostility towards me when I did. They went into lengthy lectures about how they weren't talking about me or anyone I knew, so I should butt out, how I was being a whiny Tumblr social justice warrior getting mad over non-issues, and how the complainer is always wrong. I think it was because I brought it up with people I barely knew, my friends don't say anything like that already. I feel really guilty about things like this, almost to the point of wanting to just...abandon social issues I care about completely. Just so nobody gets annoyed at me over it again.

I feel like a hypocrite, though, because I wouldn't call anyone "----," unless it was directed at myself, and I was angry at myself for screwing up on something, or going ahead with a decision that I knew would probably turn out badly.

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ShaggE

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I usually just silently seethe about it and move on, making sure to avoid that person when possible (depending on context, obviously... full-blown racism or the like? Fuck that, I'm not going to let that slide).

If it's being said toward a person to whom that slur is aimed, I will step in or report the incident.

Thankfully, this isn't a situation I come across very often anymore. Hell, the city just had its first Equality Festival here, centerpieced by the marriage of multiple gay couples, and it came and went entirely without incident. Nary a protester or slur to be found. Not bad at all for PA.

I mean, I can't ban people and delete comments in real life.

Yet.

Now THERE'S a movie idea!

"This summer... a mild-mannered forum moderator discovers the genie from Big... and becomes able to moderate... real life."

The Moderator: A Pupped-Up Tale

Starring Mick "Moosey" Mann.

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn.

This film is not yet (mode)rated.

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musubi

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#23  Edited By musubi

You're only option here is to put those jabronis through a table with the rock bottom.

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Nodima

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I don't know, I've only ever worked in kitchens or bars. Derogatory language comes with the territory, and I'd honestly feel kind of awkward without it.

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kindgineer

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#25  Edited By kindgineer

@haz

You have the right to speak up for what you believe in, just understand that there are consequences for your actions. You'll most likely be alienated, and made to feel bad. It's just how passionate you are.

The problem in sort of scenario is that you've been working there for long enough for people to get use to you. Especially the ones you wen't to university with. They don't see you as being offended by this sort of thing, so you objecting to their behavior will be a lot more sour than had you introduced yourself to them with those convictions.

I have a real life example. I am a really laid back guy. Things rarely emotionally affect me. I started my job about a year ago working for my local hospital as a medical records analyst. My wife had worked their previously and had warned me about the people there being very snarky, ratty, and just old women that liked to gossip. I was okay with this, because hey, whats that matter to a guy who does his job right? Well, wrong. For about the first 8 months, I just ignored their comments, their constant turning me in for not doing things properly (which, seemed more like them covering their asses the next morning since it was easy to scapegoat the night shift guy). Well, around the 9 month mark I just got fed up with it. They had seen me as a very chivalrous, gentlemanly type of person since they had met me. If anything, they had probably gotten use to my laid back ways and used that as a crutch and excuse to be the way they were around me. Safety.

So, one day I just told them how it was. I walked back to where they all worked, and told them they need to back off. I wasn't rude about it, just very blunt. I pointed several of them out, and made sure that everyone knew that they were affecting my very livelihood, and that it wasn't proper. I made it very clear that I was sick and tired of being brought into my bosses office to be reprimanded for things out of my power, things that had nothing to do with me, and the constant gossip that seems to flavor my bosses view of me.

Suffice to say, that little stunt did a lot more damage than good. Not only did the gossiping not stop, but it got worst. I became an intentional target, instead of just a layaway one. I actually came into work an extra day (I worked weekends), and no one knew or expected it. I had been accused of not finishing a very important piece of paperwork/filing for the past couple of weeks, so I went over to check and make sure everything was correct. Low and behold, my paperwork was missing. The same paperwork I had remembered doing the past night. So, I decided to open up our recycle/trash bin and find it. After about 20-30 minutes of searching, I came across my work, that someone had thrown away intentionally to get my in trouble. It was a shitty revelation, but if people see you as this nice guy, and then you turn sour, its a lot worse than if you just introduced yourself as sour and standoffish. That way, people see you as the guy you don't mess with, instead of the guy that blew his gasket.

Moral of the story: be careful. I know it might seem small, I certainly did, but even level-headed communication can rear its ugly head when its done to spiteful people.

PS: I just wanted to point out that the paperwork they threw out to get me into trouble would have been a felony had I turned them in. Discarding medical paperwork with sensitive information, especially if the patient was a trauma victim, or had a very serious allergy, is a huge offense. Not only is it immoral to do so, its extremely lethal. If a doctor does not have the paperwork to reference a patient pre-surgery, or any other scenario, it could cost a person their life. Just wanted to make that statement as an example of how far some are willing to go.

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Clonedzero

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If you or someone else at your workplace is actually offended, then just tell them. Be direct about it. No reason not to.

If you're just concerned because they're using bad words, then who cares? If its not hurting anyone then its not hurting anyone.

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mosespippy

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I'm in a bit of a different situation which wouldn't help you. When I'm at work I have absolute authority at that work site. I can halt all work happening and can have anyone removed from the premises or arrested. I can have vehicles seized or searched. If anyone wanted to fuck with me they'd have troubles in the courts. As a result people don't give me or my coworkers trouble and we typically don't give them trouble.

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Jazz_Lafayette

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#28  Edited By Jazz_Lafayette

I'm a little put-off by the amount of people telling you to ignore the problem. Letting that shit slide daily would twist me up inside on a primal level. Still, as I've never been in a nine-to-five environment, I can only tell you to rely on your own judgment. Will reporting these incidents regularly (and it'll have to be regular, people don't tend to change that behavior in an instant) give you a reputation for rabble-rousing, tick off the boss, or generally make your job more difficult? That's probably a more common scenario than most of us would like to acknowledge.

On the other hand, businesses exist to fulfill a profit motive, and this behavior almost certainly damages that goal. If you're finding it frequently distracts from your work, or they're insulting company personnel, or (they'd have to be real idiots) that language is actually being used with customers/clients, then don't be afraid to do something. You say you know that they're decent people, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and suggest you speak directly to them, first. Don't be accusatory, but make your unease clear and be firm on your points. Let them know what speech you are and are not comfortable with, give them a brief account of your reasoning, and tell them why you think they're better/smarter/kinder than they're portraying themselves.

If they blow you off directly, or the behavior continues unabated despite reassurances, then feel free to take it up the ladder. Some things are more important than an exclusionary relationship.

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geirr

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#29  Edited By geirr

The few times I've been exposed to "I bet he's a ----", or "she sleeps with everyone" or similar I've mostly just responded "so what?" - To which I usually get a response similar to "Oh, no I'm just saying.." and then they drop it.

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dagas

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I work with costumer complaints so I get to hear a lot of bad language and the occational death threat. You get used to it after a while.

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tourgen

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Never been in a union assembly plant eh. The really big ones have their own little subcultures kind of like a small town would. And oh man the language. Holly shit son.

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Mister_V

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If you or someone else at your workplace is actually offended, then just tell them. Be direct about it. No reason not to.

If you're just concerned because they're using bad words, then who cares? If its not hurting anyone then its not hurting anyone.

This.

Don't be "that guy" unless someone is actually being targeted then there is no harm done. I know I let out some less than PC language when i get frustrated at work. Fortunately I work on my own most of the time so the only person i offend is myself.

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deactivated-5e49e9175da37

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If someone is being ignorant and shitty, I'd probably confront them or report it. Actually, I'd probably just say nothing and slowly retract all interest in that person and their opinions because I'm something of a coward. The only thing I can legitimately do to people who suck is to choose to not allow them into my life.

If they're just being vulgar or uncouth because fuck, why not, then I'm not going to get upset. Part of my core group of friends collective sense of humor is saying things that are horrible because it's funny to say really horrible things as if they were normal; the absurdity of the awfulness is the joke. But we're comfortable doing that around each other because we know none of us are racist or sexist or murderers or rapists or whatever terrible joke is being made. And that's why you don't necessarily make those jokes around people who don't know you well enough.

A lot of people say "around people you don't know well enough" but it's actually the other way around. It's whether or not they understand you're being vulgar or uncouth, or whether they think you're legitimately hateful. In public, I've learned to filter myself a lot, but I still might exclaim 'Christ!' if I'm surprised by something. It's not because I'm picking on the Christians, it's just I'm a little uncouth.

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toowalrus

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#34  Edited By toowalrus

Whenever somebody at work describes someone as gay or as being a ----, I'll usually pretend to take it literally and say something like "nah, that'd be way better," or "nah, I'd be way more interested if that were the case." I'm not gay... Probably, though people at work probably think I am, and that's cool with me.

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shirokumakun

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@shagge said:

I usually just silently seethe about it and move on, making sure to avoid that person when possible (depending on context, obviously... full-blown racism or the like? Fuck that, I'm not going to let that slide).

If it's being said toward a person to whom that slur is aimed, I will step in or report the incident.

Thankfully, this isn't a situation I come across very often anymore. Hell, the city just had its first Equality Festival here, centerpieced by the marriage of multiple gay couples, and it came and went entirely without incident. Nary a protester or slur to be found. Not bad at all for PA.

@mooseymcman said:

I mean, I can't ban people and delete comments in real life.

Yet.

Now THERE'S a movie idea!

"This summer... a mild-mannered forum moderator discovers the genie from Big... and becomes able to moderate... real life."

The Moderator: A Pupped-Up Tale

Starring Mick "Moosey" Mann.

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn.

This film is not yet (mode)rated.

What an interesting choice for Director.

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Hunter5024

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#36  Edited By Hunter5024

There's this 80 year old cowboy that works with me and occasionally he drops N bombs. I deal with it by getting very uncomfortable.

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deactivated-5f8907c9ada33

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Thanks for all the comments and feedback. I think it's best if I ultimately just ignore it -- but I have lost respect for them. Sometimes they say it about people we know, other times it's in general. Equally awful.

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SpaceInsomniac

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One alternative that I don't believe has been discussed yet is presenting the argument from the perspective that you're on their side:

"You know, I'm a pretty hard person to offend, but you might not want to say that sort of thing at work. If the wrong person hears that and makes a complaint, it wouldn't be good."

I used this argument in the past with someone who used far too much profanity for someone working in a department store, and he fully agreed. Of course, that assumes you're not greatly offended by someone who you feel is being purposely hateful. As far as some dumb kid saying "that's gay" goes, it might give them something to think about without needing to come off as someone standing on a soapbox.

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kylenalepa

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If their comments are creating an environment in which you are uncomfortable, talk to HR. It's their job to handle these kinds of issues!

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deactivated-6050ef4074a17

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Vulgarity in general I don't have much of a problem with, I'm plenty vulgar myself, but if someone was genuinely being bigoted and shitty, then I'd definitely tell them to knock it off, and if they didn't, I'd mention it to someone in a position of authority.

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frymillstrum

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I imagine homosexual slurs are upsetting enough as a PC minded straight person but as a gay duder I encounter that shit all the time and I don't stand for it anymore. Either way you have a right to complain to someone but it can be extra hurtful if you yourself are gay, in which case something really needs to be done. I'd be willing to bet most people wouldn't make a *insert race here* comment if said race was nearby but when it comes to homosexuality its not always apparent...

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sasnake

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I join in

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Retromancy

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#43  Edited By Retromancy

Go to your boss or HR. They wont do anything but you can feel better about yourself I guess.

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chaser324

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#44 chaser324  Moderator

A reminder about the forum rules: please don't ever use any homophobic, racist, etc. slurs or other hate language of that type. Even if you're quoting someone else or not directing it another person, it's still not tolerated.

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WalkerTR77

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#45  Edited By WalkerTR77

I had a similar experience at work. One of my colleagues was telling my boss about seeing two men kissing while on a night out. She said she thought it was disgusting, which my boss (also female for what it's worth) agreed with and they both made distressed faces over the thought. My colleagues next point was that she doesn't have a problem with gay people, she just doesn't want to have to see them kissing.

I was awestruck. I certainly knew this kind of thinking was out there, but I really did not expect to be confronted with it from people I thought pretty nice and who were only 2-3 years older/younger than me (22) respectively. I figured that this kind of inherent hate, homophobia in particular, was the kind of thing ignorant 50 year old men in crap pubs concerned themselves with; not reasonably well educated young women.

I considered saying something about the exchange. Maybe question the idea that they had the right to judge people in that way, or compare their prejudice to something completely indefensible to elucidate the issue ("I don't have a problem with black people but I don't like seeing them" for example) - but in the end I stayed out of it. Sure, in many ways it was a pretty harmless conversation but it really left me a little upset.

My advice is to do your best to ignore these kinds of remarks, these people live the lives they will, shaped by their own shitty outlooks and you making an issue out of it, no matter how well intentioned will achieve nothing and alienate you from people you work with daily.

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ShaggE

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What an interesting choice for Director.

Sadly, Woody Allen turned down the gig, as did Wes Anderson. Zach Braff was tied to the project, but got a bad case of farmer's ankle a day before filming, so directorial responsibilities were shifted at the last minute. Refn just happened to be in the area, and the rest is film history.

Further detail can be found in the bonus features on the Deluxe Blu Ray release next fall. Look for "Changing The Landscape Of Cinema: The Making of 'The Moderator'" (150 min.). It's also touched upon in the commentary track, featuring Refn himself, as well as Spielberg, David Lynch, and Oscar A. Ward (the guy on whom Oscar awards were based).

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nasp

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my opinion is this.words are just words and its all about the intent,if the words you are using isnt in a bad way i couldnt care less what you say.also you can offend people with anything including swearing in general,which most people in this forum seem to not have a problem swearing.so my opinion is you either dont have a problem saying vulgar words or you do,there isnt a middle ground where you can swear,but then say oh that word is innopropriate.so overall what would i do?not care and move on.

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GERALTITUDE

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I tend to aggressively confront them.

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Ry_Ry

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My current coworkers are non high school graduates. Needless to say inappropriate things are said all the time.

Thankfully my boss agreed to let me move as 80% or more of my job is editing photos and videos and i don't really need them around to accomplish my work.

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SpaceInsomniac

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I had a similar experience at work. One of my colleagues was telling my boss about seeing two men kissing while on a night out. She said she thought it was disgusting, which my boss (also female for what it's worth) agreed with and they both made distressed faces over the thought. My colleagues next point was that she doesn't have a problem with gay people, she just doesn't want to have to see them kissing.

I was awestruck. I certainly knew this kind of thinking was out there, but I really did not expect to be confronted with it from people I thought pretty nice and who were only 2-3 years older/younger than me (22) respectively. I figured that this kind of inherent hate, homophobia in particular, was the kind of thing ignorant 50 year old men in crap pubs concerned themselves with; not reasonably well educated young women.

This reminded me of something:

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