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Avatar image for fajita_jim
#1 Posted by Fajita_Jim (1517 posts) -

So I have a friend I have known for about 20 years and we always have fun together, but anytime we go out to eat or even eat at one of our homes he chews with his mouth open loudly and doesn't care to look right at you and talk while chewing. He's also fond of being rather free with belching, and it's disgusting and embarrassing. 
 
If anything is said about it he just says "Oh the fuck well." 
 
What to do? I tried recording his chewing on a mini recorder to play it back to him but there was too much static. I'm out of ideas.

Avatar image for fancysoapsman
#2 Posted by FancySoapsMan (5919 posts) -

eat your friend

Avatar image for buzz_clik
#3 Posted by buzz_clik (7470 posts) -

Spike his food with rat poison.

Moderator
Avatar image for luce
#4 Posted by luce (4056 posts) -
Waca waca waca - Pacman
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#5 Posted by christ0phe (1035 posts) -

Next time you eat with anyone, stare at their mouth and listen.   It can't be unseen/unheard.  It is the most disturbing thing in the world.

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#6 Posted by BabyChooChoo (6555 posts) -

Don't eat with him.

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#7 Posted by buzz_clik (7470 posts) -

Also, shoot an email to the McElboys over at MBMBaM - I'm sure they'll solve your problem faster than you can say "close your mouth you uncouth fuck."

Moderator
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#8 Posted by Klei (1798 posts) -

Convince him to get a date, a girl he'll bring to the restaurant. Then watch his doom. When he'll come back, mopping in failure, explain him why.

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#9 Posted by fearthephins (152 posts) -

I have no idea what to tell you.... I have the same problem. I have some friends who horrible when it comes to chewing their food. Oh and don't get me started on my brother....I can't be around him when he eats. I hope you figure something out for your own sanity because nothing I do works...

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#10 Posted by ninjakiller (3427 posts) -

Bring a gun and place it on the table in front of him.  Make it very clear what will happen if he chews with his mouth open or talks while eating.   

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#11 Posted by HitmanAgent47 (8553 posts) -

Mirror his behavior and if he ask you about it, just say i'm copying you. Maybe he would get the msg.

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#12 Posted by WickedFather (1694 posts) -

Do it back to him in a really exaggerated fashion, not just for a few seconds a couple of minutes.  If that doesn't work then try and puke up in your own mouth a bit and say "Look, I just puked up in my own mouth" and show it to him.  Put your fingers in your mouth and get some of the sick on it and then tell how much it stinks and offer him a smell.
 
There are probably more diplomatic solutions I'm not aware of, mind you.

Avatar image for ntm
#13 Posted by NTM (9798 posts) -
@Fajita_Jim:
Trust me. That is bad, but my friend is worse. He doesn't eat with his mouth open, and rarely burps, but he farts. It's very impolite and disgusting. Farting is usually gross and it's the worst when I'm trying to eat food.
Avatar image for getz
#14 Posted by Getz (3764 posts) -

I'm gonna have to side with your friend on this one: oh the fuck well.

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#15 Posted by Hamst3r (5254 posts) -

Masturbate into his mouth.

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#16 Posted by FesteringNeon (2276 posts) -
@Hamst3r said:
" Masturbate into his mouth. "
this.
sneak a nut in, past the king.
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#17 Posted by Metric_Outlaw (1201 posts) -

Anytime my cousin drinks he does this obnoxious gulping noise. I just had to learn to ignore it.

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#18 Posted by captain_clayman (3349 posts) -
@buzz_clik said:
" Also, shoot an email to the McElboys over at MBMBaM - I'm sure they'll solve your problem faster than you can say "close your mouth you uncouth fuck." "
this.  mbmbam rules
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#19 Edited by GlenTennis (3273 posts) -

Just tell him that he needs to stop. Make it clear that it really annoys you. If he really is a friend he will listen..

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#20 Posted by bibledoctor (697 posts) -
@FancySoapsMan said:
" eat your friend "
@buzz_clik said:
" Spike his food with rat poison. "
These are both reasonable and sane solutions to your problem, no need to take any others into consideration.
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#21 Posted by Aleryn (718 posts) -

Belching part isn't too bad, but uh yeah chew with the mouth closed dude... unless purposely not for laughs.  BUT NOT ALL THE FRAGGING TIME.

Avatar image for jkz
#22 Posted by jkz (4169 posts) -

You should probably burn his house down.

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#23 Posted by mylifeforAiur (3505 posts) -

That sucks. I couldn't imagine eating with someone like that^^

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#24 Posted by CharlesAlanRatliff (5726 posts) -

Food really does taste better with your mouth closed. He is missing out on so much!

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#25 Posted by ChristianCastillo (1186 posts) -
@Hamst3r said:
" Masturbate into his mouth. "
I lol'd.
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#26 Posted by dungbootle (2502 posts) -

I would just say deal with it. Don't try to change people if they aren't hurting themselves.

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#27 Posted by RobotHamster (4250 posts) -

Belch louder.

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#28 Posted by Jeust (11739 posts) -

Make him understand that you don't like it. 

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#29 Posted by buzz_clik (7470 posts) -
@captain_clayman said:
" mbmbam rules "
I was so stoked when the first Yahoo Answers question for MBMBaM for 2011 was one I submitted (the Snuggie one). I love trawling that site for messed up stuff - got a whole new batch to send 'em for the next podcast, too.
Moderator
Avatar image for ben99
#30 Posted by Ben99 (1199 posts) -

I'm sure you haven't confronted him . Insult it him while he's chewing . The awkward silence will make you hear the GULP . Be glad you have a friend and stop bitching if you have moved to a new place and lost contact with your old friends you will know what I'm talking about .

Avatar image for fajita_jim
#31 Posted by Fajita_Jim (1517 posts) -
@Ben99 said:
" I'm sure you haven't confronted him . Insult it him while he's chewing . The awkward silence will make you hear the GULP . Be glad you have a friend and stop bitching if you have moved to a new place and lost contact with your old friends you will know what I'm talking about . "
Don't even go there; I've spent 3/4 of my adult life hundreds sometimes thousands of miles from anyone I knew. The fact is a 35-year-old should have more social tact than a 5-year-old.
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#32 Posted by WickedCobra03 (2237 posts) -
@HitmanAgent47 said:
"

Mirror his behavior and if he ask you about it, just say i'm copying you. Maybe he would get the msg.

"
That, or a lot of time they will think you are just over-exaggerating and get even more pissy about it. 
Avatar image for supersambo
#33 Posted by SuperSambo (3099 posts) -

Say you disgust me and everyone around you. Act like a civil human being and get some manors.

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#34 Posted by Rashermon (22 posts) -

Either accept that he wont change it, or do things that dont involve eating together as friends.

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#35 Posted by Chirag4 (586 posts) -
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#36 Posted by mfpantst (2654 posts) -
@Hamst3r said:
" Masturbate into his mouth. "
This
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#37 Posted by Menseguez (191 posts) -

Fake your own death.
 
 
Oh wait...wrong thread type.

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#38 Posted by Subjugation (4963 posts) -

Destroy his appetite so he never wants to eat again. I suggest starting with a picture of Joan Rivers.

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#39 Posted by Lifestrike (496 posts) -
@FancySoapsMan said:
" eat your friend "
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#40 Posted by DonutFever (4033 posts) -
@WickedFather said:
" Do it back to him in a really exaggerated fashion, not just for a few seconds a couple of minutes.  If that doesn't work then try and puke up in your own mouth a bit and say "Look, I just puked up in my own mouth" and show it to him.  Put your fingers in your mouth and get some of the sick on it and then tell how much it stinks and offer him a smell.  There are probably more diplomatic solutions I'm not aware of, mind you. "
@Hamst3r said:
" Masturbate into his mouth. "
Both, very good suggestions.
Avatar image for marcsman
#41 Posted by Marcsman (3597 posts) -

Get new friends 
Avatar image for striderno9
#42 Edited by StriderNo9 (1307 posts) -

I initially thought you said you hate eating your friend. LOL. Now that I read it, I've had similar issues with my older brother. :(

Avatar image for fwylo
#43 Posted by fwylo (3571 posts) -

This thread was unexpectedly entertaining.

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#44 Posted by Fattony12000 (8271 posts) -

Kidnap him and then repeatedly subjugate him to violent sexual assaults and agonising physical torture, over a period of about 35 years. 
 
That should solve the problem.

Avatar image for thehbk
#45 Posted by TheHBK (5670 posts) -

Record his ass on video, not just audio.

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#46 Posted by CharkeeFarlee (943 posts) -
@FancySoapsMan said:
" eat your friend "
this
Avatar image for rjayb89
#47 Posted by rjayb89 (7811 posts) -

Renegade his ass out the window.

Avatar image for seedofpower
#48 Posted by Seedofpower (4059 posts) -

Make new friends.

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#49 Posted by EchoForge (177 posts) -
@HitmanAgent47 said:
"

Mirror his behavior and if he ask you about it, just say i'm copying you. Maybe he would get the msg.

"

This, or the one about him going on a date to stop this behaviour.
Avatar image for rattle618
#50 Posted by Rattle618 (1505 posts) -

You are a pussy.