I think I posted my story in another thread by you since I'm also battling depression. I'll write a little bit in case anyone wants to read/talk, depression is really the only thing I think about anymore, sadly, but I at least I have something to say about it whether it's worthwhile or not. Really though, I'm mostly just venting while there's a thread about it.
Currently, doing anything is a damn hassle mentally. I don't play video games, I don't watch football, I rarely try to hangout with old friends, I go on the internet much less often, etc. Essentially, I find very little things in life enjoyable when I use to love them. It takes A LOT just to get depression and suicide of off my mind, usually it's no more than a couple minutes though and negative thoughts come back. Just a few years ago no matter what mood I was in, I was at the very least be able to enjoy a nice multiplayer match of a video game or find something to stay happy with. Even if I had nothing to do, fantasizing about dying, getting cancer or being killed was never on my mind like it is now. My manager just informed me today that a friend of hers killed himself around the area I live in just a few days ago. I felt awful for her, the man and his family/friends. At the same time, I quietly admired his courage and wish I had it in me, god knows I've tried. I just want to be the next person to off themselves, it's all I want anymore. The thought of something being better than nothing has stopped me so far.
Life felt a little better after my 5 day vacation in a psych ward (I could tell you some strange stories about some people, who I genuinely feel bad for, that you wouldn't believe. I thought I had it bad.) Shortly after, though, I went back to my normal depressed self. Just being out of that place was enough to be happy for a little while, though. I was on an anti-depressant and seeing a counselor afterwards. I quit both the meds (after having the dosage raised and still noticing no helpful effects) and the counselor. The counselor slightly helped, but nothing worth the time or money. My family doctor has recommended me a psychiatrist, which I might call tomorrow and set up if I can work up the motivation. It's sad realizing making simple phone calls seem like a hassle to me now. That's just a part of depression I guess.
Anyway, I believe my depression is stemming from loneliness. I'll go ahead and admit it's my own fault and no one can fix it but me. I don't just want to whine and blame the world for not helping me. It's just hard when I have no confidence in anything anymore and feel as if I can't relate to anyone, not even family most of the time. I use to be able to relate to someone. A year and some months ago I started dating, I was 18. I'd be lying if I said I was completely happy throughout my year long, first relationship which was my first experience falling in love. That being said, I was doing much, much better when I had someone to be/relate with and to talk to. We broke up after a year and it was definitely for the better, I won't get into details. That's an entirely different story. You'd think right away I would be a mess, but I was fine initially. As I said it was for the better, I recognized that and was insanely happy to move on with life. However, moving on consisted of nothingness and the more and more I saw that, the more depressed I became. Just a few weeks ago, I met a girl who seemed really interested me and for the first time since my first and only girlfriend, I was really happy. We've been hanging out and recently talking about dating (she brought it up surprisingly), everything looked like it was going smoothly. Last Friday we hung out for hours, kissed and I finally felt close to someone again. We also smoked a joint she had, which will bring me to that topic shortly She texted me afterwards saying she had a great time, wants to do it again, blah, blah, blah. We were suppose to see each other tonight, but she cancelled those plans by not answering my call today. When I meet a girl, typically it ends in them ignoring me forever without giving me a reason, it hurts. I'm sure their reasons are rightfully so, I just wish I knew why. Anyway, on to my marijuana related use that may have an effect on my depression.
Also a year and some months ago, a few weeks before meeting my first girlfriend, I started smoking. This is just after graduating high school, by the way. I had done it before, but not much. I started off buying $20 or $40 at a time. Then went to $140+++ and would always have at least a 1/2 ounce on me. My girlfriend didn't mind, she smoked too so it didn't effect our relationship in a negative way if you were wondering, I was willing to quit at any minute if that's what she wanted. So more quickly than I realized, I was a stoner after rarely using it in high school. I smoked every single day and almost all day regardless of what was going on. Wake up, smoke, go to school, smoke on the way there, go to class, smoke in between classes, get home and smoke the rest of the day. I regret almost every choice in my life when I look at my happiness now, but I don't regret smoking so much. I laughed a lot, I smiled and became much more sociable in public (I'm a kind person in public regardless of being high or not). I guess I finally had another hobby that I was happy and always willing to partake in. Maybe I was addicted, I don't know. When there were times around other people where I obviously couldn't smoke, I never freaked out about it or thought about it constantly when I couldn't use, which was good. Perhaps knowing once I got back home I'd have an ounce waiting for me, made me not worry about it when I wasn't smoking. Now I no longer buy and haven't for a few months, proud to say actually. I do still smoke when I'm around it and it's offered. I probably always will until something comes up where I'll need drug tested, but I think (hoping) I'll be dead before anything of significance like a good job comes to my life after school, if I even finish.
I started saving money once I quit buying marijuana and bought a used 2009, new car and love it. A big upgrade from my previous 99 Camry which was rusting and beat up. I love my new car honestly, but I've known for awhile getting new/nice things only make you happy for awhile. Well, I wasn't even happy for awhile. It use to be I'd buy myself something nice and enjoy the hell out of it, then within a month or two, I'd realize my overall happiness is the same. I got my car just a month ago and that was around the time my depression gotten really bad, I didn't even get happy like I use to after buying something nice for myself. I guess I realized, once my depression got bad, nothing was going to change my happiness until I started meeting more people and becoming more sociable/involved in things. I did need a new one anyway, so this wasn't a case of me buying something expensive on a whim, thankfully. Also, I do sometimes get some enjoyment out of driving again every once in awhile, which is a great for me.
So if anyone else is going through a tough time and looking for someone to talk with, I'm pretty open and can share some stories or listen. I know I'm only 19, my life isn't that bad and I shouldn't be complaining about any of the things I am, I do realize this. If could just tell myself "Hey, everything's okay, quit whining," I would. The psychiatrist I saw at the psych ward said I have major depression disorder, maybe I'm just a bitch, I don't know. I just know I feel awful, suicidal (I guess that depends on how you define the word, I think I am and that's another story I probably shouldn't go into unless wants to hear it), wish it would change and wish these feelings would go away. They just don't, not yet.
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