Michael Bay's Transformers is the weirdest garbage ever

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Boringnick

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#1  Edited By Boringnick

So, they are making yet another Transformers movie.. holy heck!

I am absolutely dumbfounded by these movies! I get many things - I watched for hours those "flat earth" videos on youtube and felt less confused by those than after a Transformers movie.

Watching these movies, I am absolutely in awe how much of an gargantuan overcomplicated mess they are, and how much weird ass garbage is included into them. It's insane! Seriously, it would have been ultra-easy to write a sane script for a Transformers movie: Robot aliens (good/bad factions) come to earth and lay waste to everything. Basically Independence Day with robots. The end.

Now you might say: "Hey, that's exactly what the Transformers movie are, mindless explosions and actions". WRONG! That's the main problem with them: If it would be just corny action, I would be the last one to complain.

No, this crap with filled with myriad of ridiculous sideplots (drug-addicted dogs, weird ass daddy-issues, coming-of-age teen garbage), American Pie humour, weird SERIOUS WAR MOVIE/X-Files segments interspersed with dick jokes and on and on. The "robots beating each other to pulp"-stuff makes only like 5% of these stupid movies. The rest is pure ABSURDITY. Absurdity on a whole new level in cinema.

I especially "like" the military parts. Those are absolutely INSANE, because they look like they are lifted straight from Black Hawk Down, soldiers are screaming and dying, mayhem everywhere.. AND CUT TO ROBOT HUMPING A LEG. CUT TO CLICHED INDIAN IN A CALL-CENTER.

What the heck is the tone supposed to be of those scenes? Same with the "government conspiracy" stuff (The agency John Turturro is head of). They are filmed like something straight out of X-Files or 24, except for the American Pie clips cut between them (inane dick jones, fat nerd jokes, masturbation jokes, pissing robots, you name it). It's as if in the middle of 24, Jack Bauer would pull his peener out, stick it into a pie and immediately afterwards torture a terrorist as if nothing happened.

I was absolutely in awe of the "Bumblebee captured" scene in the first movie. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. This shit was played like the standard "poor misunderstood being mishandled by the evil goberment" (you know, E.T., King Kong..) scene, complete with DRAMATIC music and a boy crying for his best friend ("BUMBLEBEEE!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Except that it's in a movie with pissing (or ejaculating) robots! You know, for such a scene to work, the captured subject has to be endearing. E.T. was endearing, asshole sexual deviants from space aren't. I watched the cartoon as a kid, and I am pretty sure the bots weren't creeps back then. The robots in these movie are the least sympathetic robots I've ever seen in a film! And a skilled film maker can easily make mechanical beings that you care for: I can vividly remember a movie by Wes Craven where a boy builds a robot and that robot gets destroyed by an evil neighbor with a shotgun. That scene was devastating! You saw how the boy was building that robot, how he made a bond with it etc. Another example: "Miracle on 8th Street". It's the one where cute little robotic UFOs help a bunch of people against their landlord. If you felt nothing when one of the UFOs was beaten up by a thug, then you're a heartless POS.

But the Bayformers? I couldn't care less if all of them would have been nuked, Autobots and Decepticons alike (which made the "they are people too!"-lines in the sequels really amusing). Except for some corny Optimus Prime speeches and inane one-liners by the other CGI-splashes, what stood out the most about them were their weird sexual innuendos: Urinating on humans (or maybe ejaculating on them, given the "lubricating" reference), dry-humping the legs of humans, showing their testicles and bunch of other crap I probably forgot about. They anal-probed some people too much I guess and should be rotting in some space-alien-sex-offender prison.

Also, it absolutely didn't help that they looked like pieces of trash metal. Literally: Garbage. Somehow Michael Bay managed to make giant robots beating the living crap out of each boring, because you can't make out where one robot begins and the other ends. Them fighting looks as if 3D-Studio bugged out.

The best scene in all of this mad franchise was the glimpse of Cybertron in the first movie. That was awesome: Ten seconds of Robot war (with projectiles, so it didn't look that bad) with no fart-jokes and teen crap - that was the movie I wanted to see - where is it? Instead we got convoluted crap on a whole new fucking level. My mind blurred after each movie, I had no idea what was happening after a while:

Dogs addicted to weed, masturbation, WAR, men in black, ancient prophecies, NASA conspiracy, cold war stuff, ancient civilisations stuff, politics talk, giant robots smashing pyramids with their huge balls, annoying parents, chosen one, military grunts accidentally walking into the wrong movie, every military/police/college cliche you can find, robot heaven, X-files, bleeding robots, senile robots, ghetto-hood robots, hackers, hot blonde hackers, fat nerd hackers, Mark Wahlberg's kids wanting to do each other, STUFF.

Too much garbage STUFF! Too much words in the fucking script. Shooting a robot to well-made CGI bits and commenting it with "Hasta la Vista Baby!" is awesome - shoooting a robot trash can and talking about how your new underwear sucks isn't.

And all this filmed in ultra-hardcore ORANGE/TEAL too boot: Carrot people!

This franchise is insane. Some of it could very well fit into a David Lynchian "Black Lodge" and it wouldn't be too far out there, except that he is able to hit the right tone with his weirdness, in opposite to Transformers.

I am astounded how something like the Transformers movies were made. They are not corny action movies (the robot-action scenes make up only a tiny fraction of it) - They are a mess overfilled to the brim with WEIRD SENSELESS TASTELESS CRAP to unbearable extend. How could expert film makers greenlight this? And why are there so many sequels? It boggles my mind.

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hnke

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#2  Edited By hnke

They keep making them because they make a lot of money. There, your mind has been unboggled.

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MetalBaofu

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#3  Edited By MetalBaofu

I liked the first one ok, but none of the ones since then. And I've avoided watching the last one or two.

And yeah, as long as they keep making money they will keep making them, no matter the quality.

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FrostyRyan

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I think everyone knows this tbh

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Hunkulese

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China.

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BoOzak

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The "STUFF" you describe is the reason people watch Happy Madison movies, these movies are basically those with giant robots. Shit doesnt have to be art for people to watch it.

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pompouspizza

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I liked the first one a lot at the time but haven't seen it in about 9 years. The others are very bad. My biggest problem with them is how long they are but all Michael Bay movies are unnecessarily long!

Generally I like the movies he makes. I love Bad Boys 1&2, The Rock, and Pain & Gain. I even have a big soft spot for Armageddon.

I get why so many people don't like him and he has certainly made movies that I don't care for but the ones I love, I really love. I really wish he would move on from Transformers.

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ivdamke

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#8  Edited By ivdamke

At this point I'm more amazed at the people who keep going to see them despite hating them rather than the movies still getting made.

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bigsocrates

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Michael Bay isn't interested in Transformers the way you are. He doesn't care about them. He got the license to make the movies and then he made the movie he wanted to make, throwing in giant robots in order to brand the film and get fanboys to show up.

It worked so he kept doing it.

The stuff that you don't like in these movies or understand why it's there is the stuff that actually interests Michael Bay or his writers.

Why do people keep seeing them? Who knows. Marketing, nostalgia, inertia, special effects over everything else?

I have only seen the first movie, and I saw it because it was on cable and I wanted to see if it was as bad as everyone said it was. Yes. It was terrible. I never watched another and don't really care about them.

Life is too short to worry about bad popular culture. I mean, they rebooted The Mummy with an actor several years older than Brendan Fraser and made a movie basically nobody likes. Why did they do this? Who the hell knows. Unless you are a film producer you don't really need to worry about it.

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Sinusoidal

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Well said. It's like Michael Bay ate a bunch of Saturday morning cartoons and lewd 80s comedies and shat out a reel of film.

I've seen three of them and I can't remember where one ends and the other begins. Oh, except for the hot lady transformer in the first movie because what the fuck?

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Blu3V3nom07

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It's been like that for the last 10 years, yea. It's officially, "a family classic," now.

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imhungry

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There are a tonne of sequels because the last 2 films in the series made over a billion dollars worldwide each. It's pretty simple. As for why they make that much money, it's anybody's guess.

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WynnDuffy

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This thread reminded me to see what is going on with Bad Boys III, which is apparently coming out in November 2018.

Hmm...

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DarkeyeHails

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bigsocrates

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@wynnduffy: Surely they aren't boys any more.

We are only 17 years into the Willenium. Taken on that time scale Will Smith is still very young indeed.

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InternetDotCom

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@hunkulese: turn out we found out something China does actually care about

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Vonocourt

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#17  Edited By Vonocourt

Don't look at them as summer action blockbusters, look at them as a character study of man who probably hasn't watch a movie entirely in one sitting for decades.

Also, this is a franchise built on the foundation of pulling disparate toys lines into one "story" to get kids fully enveloped into the consumer machine. The time to truly feel angered by these movies has never existed.

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monkeyking1969

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I just don't watch those movies...that solves my problem. I just write pages of Transformers fan fictions where Megan Fox played that role Sam Witwicky and her and Bumblebee get into some really questionable hijinks. It is shocking how a few changes like making Megan Fox Witwicky and giving the stories a beginning, middle, and end seems to make them better.

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ripelivejam

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#19  Edited By ripelivejam

I will admit to liking the first movie; it was actually decently paced and kind of making fun of other Bay films. But frankly the most/probably only memorable bit was, "ARE YOU USERNAME LADIESMAN217?"

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MachoFantastico

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I haven't watched a single Transformers film, mainly due to how awful an experience I had watching The Rock after Jeff, Ryan and friends praised that film so much. It's rare that I disagree with the Bomb Squad so much but The Rock was an awful film and I was baffled as to why it was/is as beloved. I didn't grow up with Transformers but even I could see what a damned mess that first film was and every film since as been a challenge for me to figure out whose actually going out to see these movies. I stay a 100 miles away from anything Michael Bay at this point and continue to be amazed that he's allowed to make movies, it's almost as amazing as how Adam Sadler still gets to make his god awful crap.

Worst thing though, is that I actually think a good modern Transformers film would be possible with a good director who gets why kids fell in love with it in the first place.

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Qrowdyy

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Its no secret Michael Bay is a US military fanboy. Some of the "patriotic" imagery in his movies are straight up fetishistic. Which is fine, I guess. Although, like with Stephanie Meyer and Twilight, it is a little disturbing to get such a deep look into someone's private personality.

The problem is that the Transformers are not the stars of these movies, due to Michael Bay's need to shine a spotlight on the military. Shia Labeouf and Mark Wahlberg shoud be the sidekicks, the supporting actors. There should be no secondary/tertiary subplot focusing on various military teams.

@bigsocrates: I still have that CD. Its now sitting on my desk staring at me from where I dug it up due to your post. I can't decide whether I hate you or love you.

@machofantastico: The bomb crew enjoys dumb stuff. Laughing at dumb stuff is a founding principle of Giant Bomb. The dumber and more absurd the better. A lot 90s movies that they recommend are not good movies by today's standards. But, there are good "bad" movies and there are good movies. Most 90s action movies are the former. Also most Nicholas Cage movies, my favorite "bad" actor.

Also keep in mind the nostalgia factor. The Rock was hot fire if you watched it when you were a kid.

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Corwag

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These movies are great for having on a tv somewhere in your house, only to look at while you're doing something else, and see some dumb shit for a second.

Transformers Movie ranking:

1. Transformers 3

2. Transformers 4

3. Haven't seen it yet but I'll assume Transformers 5

parts 1 and 2 are not real, and you can't convince me otherwise.

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ALavaPenguin

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I remember I saw up to this one where Shia was in college and wow that was so terrible it was embarassing. I only saw past the first cause of other people wanting to see it.

My biggest problem besides just how embarassing that college one gets was I honestly think the designs of them are just poor. I was a transformer fan as a kid and even half the time I can't tell which transformer is which in a fight.

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monkeyking1969

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For some reason I just discovered Lindsay Ellis. She does a deep dive on the basic tenets of film studies and film theory using Michael Bay's Transformers. Sure it seems silly to study these movies, but she makes it fun.

Loading Video...

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Haven't seen the most recent one, but I love all the previous ones. The Transformers property is one of the dumbest shits out there, which makes me laugh when people talk garbage about the movies. They're easily the best popcorn flicks out there when you wanna just shut off your brain and enjoy amazingly shot actions.

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Bamse

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Like Angry Joe said....wtf did I just watch? The movie was like a series of trailers.

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hippie_genocide

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When they gave Optimus Prime lips, I said "Fuck This" and never looked back.

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deactivated-5ba16609964d9

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The podcast We Hate Movies is getting ready to finish the entire Transformer series with their Last Knight episode coming out next week. Man those later sequels seem batshit insane it's too bad they are all well over two hours because they sound like entertaining trainwrecks if they weren't longer than the original Star Wars. I love that in We Hate Movies latest Transformers episode on the fourth movie they lose their minds over the John Goodman voiced autobot having a beard, smoking a robotic cigar, and being fat. Also any fans of this weird awful series care to explain how the third movie seems to be a who's who of Coen brothers film alumni including Joel Coen's wife Frances McDormand?

I only saw the first two movies and bailed on the series. The first one in theaters, I hated it, and the second one on HBO when I was couch bound with the flu. I honestly thought most of Transformers 2 was a fever dream what with the appearance of Autobot Heaven and Devastator being defeated with a blow to the testicles. Clearly robot alien afterlife and testicles is purely the delusions of a fevered brain delirious with the flu. Apparently I was way wrong.

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spiceninja

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They are horrible movies that continue to make a truckload of money and I have no idea why. As long as they do they will never get any better. They're easy lazy money for everyone involved.

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notnert427

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#30  Edited By notnert427

I kinda love the OP's writeup here and now feel informed as to the best/worst of this franchise without having to become dumber from watching it, so thank you for that.

I think the Transformers movies are a textbook example of creative liberty at its worst. The movies don't need to exist, and arguably shouldn't. They're Michael Bay doing whatever the fuck he wants, because these movies don't really have, nor need a plot. It's giant CGI robots fighting, so everything peripheral to that literally can be whatever dumpster fire bounces to the front of Bay's skull, and it appears to be exactly that.

Brace yourself, because Bay recently said there were 14 more Transformers movies already "written". As long as people keep paying to see them, they'll get made.

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TheManWithNoPlan

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#32  Edited By TheManWithNoPlan

I just watched The Rock for the first time recently and it makes me sad that Bay is wasting his time making garbage nowadays. He can make good things! Also, Nic cage... I miss him in good stuff too.

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sammo21

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People like to say the first movie is the "good one" but even the first movie is cliche Bay at his worst and is not even fun to watch. All of the Transformers movies are garbage films that really are only good if you're into spectacle or brands.

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veektarius

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@liquidprince: I think you're in a great position to contribute meaningfully to this discussion. There's an absence of true fans of the franchise here. For example, as a fan, do you think all the robots humping and farting and peeing on things are funny, or do you just kind of ignore Michael Bay's lurid sense of humor and wait patiently for the action scenes?

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deactivated-5a48049f850e3

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I Stoped reading after Drug addicted dogs... now I have an excuse to watch the movies.

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oldenglishc

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I read this entire thing in Lewis Black voice. It was fantastic.

I just picked up the complete series and the movie of the "real" show to watch with my son. Even though it was made for the sole purpose of enticing 11 year old me to buy a bunch of toys, it's high art compared to what it is now.

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GuitarGod

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Totally agree

Transformers movies are total dog crap

I remember watching one of them in theaters and actually got a headache

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DarkeyeHails

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This might be one of the most brilliant things I have read on this website.

@boringnick said:

I am absolutely dumbfounded by these movies! I get many things - I watched for hours those "flat earth" videos on youtube and felt less confused by those than after a Transformers movie.

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jppt1974

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I heard Bay a great director but really you have to have the stomach to tolerate him as an actor, staff member, etc. As heard he is difficult to work with.

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FlarePhoenix

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I can't stand it when people say "oh you're not supposed to think about what you're watching. You're just supposed to turn your brain off and enjoy it". It's up to the movie to either be good, or distracting enough that you don't notice how bad it is. It shouldn't be up to me to have to lower my quality in order to give a movie a pass.

I saw the fifth Transformers movie, and I honestly tried to go in with the mindset "The other four were awful, don't expect too much out of this one. Just try and enjoy the action scenes". But the movie didn't allow me to do that. If the whole movie was just robots fighting, that would be one thing, but the problem with this movie is it tried to have too much of a plot. Transformers with King Arthur, Bumblebee in WWII, Mark Wahlburg's storyline, the army guys, Optimus Prime's story, etc... There was so many different things happening at once, it made it nearly impossible to just switch off and enjoy the spectacle.

If you want to be a "just enjoy the spectacle" kind of movie, the plot needs to be kept very simple and exist purely to set up the action scenes.

That being said, I did feel this was an improvement over the last one. I don't know if I just didn't notice it as much, but I didn't feel there was any shaky cam in the battles. Also, there were a couple of scenes that did make me legitimately laugh, and I felt the female characters got off a little bit better than they have in previous movies.

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Rebel_Scum

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#42  Edited By Rebel_Scum

They are all shit, every last one of them.

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civid

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For some reason I just discovered Lindsay Ellis. She does a deep dive on the basic tenets of film studies and film theory using Michael Bay's Transformers. Sure it seems silly to study these movies, but she makes it fun.

Loading Video...

Yes, as a filmstudent, this series is so god damn informative and hilarious. Also the 'We Hate Movies' podcast recently covered all five films and it is very, very good.

As for OP, the Tranformers-series is in a transition right now as it moves from Western markets to the Chinese market, because it's one of the few big franchises that has the budget to market itself over three continents. What that is going to mean in the long run is going to be interesting to see.

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hermes

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Transformers are the textbook example of "big spectacle" movies, those that are, at least, entertaining on a big screen, but without that cacophony to your senses, you get to notice how damn awful they are. That is the reason why people watched them on the cinema, because without the big screen, they are barely watchable.

That, and the Chinese market. They are so hungry for new movies, that they will go see pretty much anything. It is not that they don't notice Hollywood are feeding them garbage, but that is the only thing they get... The transformers movies are one of the first to adapt to that moment and aim to that audience, and they a very, very, very big audience.

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Rich666

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I watched the 1st movie and thought it was pure garbage. Was so boring i almost fell asleep. Never looked back

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Nardak

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#47  Edited By Nardak

I think what bothered me most about the latest transformers movie wasnt the incoherent plot but the way it was filmed. It kinda lacked the cinematic feel that I remember the other films having. Instead the film looked more like a documentary filmed in high definition. It actually looked like something filmed for tv instead of being intended for the big screen. Everything just seemed way too sharp and in contrast for me.

Guess I just kinda like that the films that I go to see to have that certain cinematic style to them. For example the start of the movie seemed to be more like a b movie production with the medieval costumes sticking out like props.

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dichemstys

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I saw the first two. I thought the first one was actually quite good. Not a big fan of the second one.

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CountPickles

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This makes baby Jeff Bakalar cry

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jppt1974

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Only watched the first one and really it did nothing for me. Sorry to offend any fans.