Narcissistic Downer-Post

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just enough of a narcissist to gut myself in a semi-anonymous public forum, as if that is a reasonably way for one to express their feelings. Twitter feels like social vomit to me, and yet I'm going to serve up my personal feelings to a bunch of strangers because ...something. I fully expect to be mocked for this, and I'm almost certain that I deserve it on some level. The only reason I'm actually still typing is that I'm not sure what else to do with all of these thoughts.

Anyway. Not looking for pity, or even for some sort of constructive answer. I guess I'm just making noise for the sake of being heard. Blah blah blah my existence, and all that rot.

I'm in a place right now, where I'm not sure that anyone is capable of actually giving a damn.

See, I used to make a pretty solid amount of money as a GameStop manager. I was one of the fastest promoted and youngest in my region, with some of the best sales performance in the company, and Loss Prevention was asking me to write articles about how to keep track of inventory. A regional manager asked me to train other stores, and they offered to pay me to move to another state to help run a district on my way up the ladder. Before any of that happened, I had a stroke.

See, I didn't succeed by magic or talent or whatever. I just lived at work. I worked obscene hours, and when I wasn't working I was thinking about working. Eventually, the pressure I put on myself caused me to blow a neurological fuse. It wasn't anyone's fault but mine, in the end.

I had friends--almost entirely from work--and had grown close with many of them. When I had lots of money and could get you a promotion, I was a popular guy. I didn't try to make shallow friendships, but I did make the mistake of believing they were genuine.

Virtually all of them disappeared once I lost my job.

The next several years were a blur of doctor visits, therapy, and fighting with the amazing US healthcare system. What friends I had outside of work, or people I befriended during my relatively new fascination with table-top RPGs, didn't stick around. I can't travel very easily, and I can't party very hard, and so I understand that they almost certainly had more entertaining alternatives.

I tried--from the very first few people gravitating toward me at work, all the way until now, and even as a kid--to genuinely try and give people my best. I've taken several people into my home when they were evicted/broke/whatever over the years, I've tried not to ask too much of anyone, and I've always been the guy someone can call at 3am because they needed someone to talk to or whatever. I'm not saying this to paint myself as some sort of perfect individual, I was just raised to treat people you cared about like family.

I had two pretty solid long-term friends remaining. One of them eloped without telling me beforehand, then decided to stay and live in the city they went to. The second got a girlfriend a few months ago, and she doesn't like him hanging out with his 'old friends'. (she prefers them both to just hang out with hers) He's obsessed with her, and so has put up very little struggle. He stopped by for an hour the other day--first time I'd seen him in weeks--and the whole time kept checking to see if she'd texted him to say he needed to come home. Except for him calling to ask how to cook something for dinner for her, he has been exclusively attached to her hip. C'est la vie I guess. He's certainly not the first guy to lose his shit over a woman.

I just want someone, anyone, who I can talk to on a regular basis. Maybe has similar interests (gaming, writing, history, tabletop RPGs, general geekery). Someone who is willing to be the sort of friend I'm willing to be, I guess. Hell, most nights I'd settle for a non-hostile voice in a PlanetSide 2 squad. :P

I'm not sure that person exists. Either that, or I have some sort of crippling personality flaw to which I am somehow completely oblivious. (I have plenty of flaws, but I like to think I'm self-aware enough to know what they are.)

I'm just tired of people who only seem to hang around if they need something from me.

Anyway. There's my text-based emotional diarrhea. I'm pretty sure I have abdicated any remaining virtual dignity at this point, but now it's not buzzing around in my head. Maybe that's why people do this sort of thing. All I know is that while I don't feel any better about it, the room finally seems quiet enough to sleep in.

I guess you could shoot me a PM if you want. I don't mind listening a bit.

@natedynamic: You said you didn't wanted anything constructive, but I will say you one thing anyway.

For most of my life I was just like you. Helping people without asking anything in return, be it listening to their problems or giving them a favor or some advice. It took me too much time to realize, living my life like that was the wrong thing. If you act all nice all the time, they will have no problem walking all over you. Because they know when they do, you will help them afterwards anyway.

So here is my advice: be more aggressive about your own needs.

Also, the last paragraph was really cheesy.

@natedynamic: Everyone needs to let their feelings let out once in a while. If the place left to you is the forums that's perfectly understandable. For what it's worth I enjoyed reading it in a way, it's another person's life experience you can put away in the back of your mind. I would say that nothing of what you wrote is exceptionally undignified or whatever. Work burnout is also something I am very familiar with in my own family (one of the reasons I am more of a lazy bum myself by nature), if you had anyone close to you witnessing your progress over that time they would have been able to predict something like this and maybe reign you in. So shit got bad. Take it as a lesson learned.

As for talking to people about your interests. Fell fuck bro, you're already on the forums. Go ahead and shoot the shit with people, be it new games, or nostalgia trips, occasionally there are books/movies/series/anime topics that go around. I'd say don't look for a close personal friend or anything that's shooting too high, but if you want discussion it's here for you to find, just be prepared to sometimes bring the heat and other times be open minded too.

It might be a long shot or whatever but visit Pax to try to meet some people with similar interests. Why not.

C'mere you! :D

Sorry to hear about your stroke, that is a tough thing to go through. I don't believe you have a personality flaw. You've taken people into your home and that says a lot about what kind of person you are.

Good relationships take time and work. I've lost a few because I didn't keep in contact with them. Forums are pretty great, but there is something about chatting in person. Have you checked to see if there's any local tabletop RPGs going on in your city? Might be a good way to meet some good peeps!

You suffer from a very common affliction known as "humanity".

Try volunteering at a charity. The people you serve need your help, and the people you work with might actually give a shit about you for something other than money or reputation.

I'm going to judge your life based on a couple paragraphs I read ON THE INTERNET!

Sorry about your stroke, first.

At the risk of sounding callous, you sound lonely. And not lonely because your friends aren't hanging out with you, it sounds like you're lonely because you want to be friends with people who you don't like. It does not sound like you're making relationships where two people enjoy each other's company, it sounds like you 'work hard' to build friends independent of how the other person feels, and then when they fail to do for you what you expect of them you feel cheated, like they're 'only friends when they want something'. That will just make you bitter.

If I'm leaping to conclusions I apologize, but I watch my own elderly mother do this constantly and it makes me crazy. You cannot decide for other people that if you work hard enough for them and do enough for them, they will do what you want and be the kind of people you want them to be. That's not how relationships work, that's a transaction. You can't decide this or that person will be your friend, and when your friends aren't the kind of people you want them to be, getting upset that they're not (or worse, "I guess I'll just try harder") is an exercise in futility.

Once again, I don't like judging people based on a couple paragraphs, but the two points I pulled out of that were "why don't my friends like me?" and "why don't I like my friends?" Choose your friends based on consensual enjoyment of each other's time and personality and behavior, not based on loneliness.

I think you need a girlfriend, not friends. This is what this post sounds like to me. Finding the woman of your dreams will make up for a lot of what you are saying here I believe. Or boyfriend, don't wanna make assumptions on what you're into!

Hobbies are a good way to meet people. Join a club, learn a skill.

I took up some sport in the last year and met some really cool people. Even if you don't hang out outside of the activity, you're still getting a social fix.

@natedynamic:

I'm sorry you're going through all that man but I'm glad you posted here. Too many people don't reach out when they're down. Having a prolonged health crisis happen to you or a loved one can really throw your life off track. Something I know far too well. Hopefully you are doing better now as much as you reasonably can after a stroke.

I know you weren't necessarily looking for an constructive answer, but I kinda feel like you might need one.

It sounds to me like your past friendships have been unbalanced in an unhealthy way especially the ones from work. I've seen that happen to a lot of people in your shoes, being a boss is tough and is socially isolating. Everybody is nice to you, but you aren't and can't be truly close to any of them. It wasn't anything you did wrong, it's just the nature of the job.

The best relationships are a give and take equal relationship. If you give all them time and never take, oddly enough people don't seem to respect that. What you describe happening to you is something that used to happen to me and still occasionally does. I don't know if this will help but in case it does, I'll give a bit of insight I used to change mindset.

You might want to ask yourself if you are subconsciously acting in a way that attracts moochers who might take advantage of you instead of people. If you find that you volunteer crazy big favors for people you barely know or are overly permissive of slights or disrespect, cut it out. I'm not saying don't do you max effort thing for your friends, just pick your shots a bit more. Make them earn that privilege at least a little bit to call you at 3Am. Learn to say "no" when you genuinely don't want to do something. At least make it clear that you wouldn't do a big favor or just anybody. You can't other people to respect you if you don't act in a way that shows them you respect your time and yourself. People will treat you better if you do and the moochers will move onto an easier mark. You'll have a better idea who genuinely is interested in being a good friend to you if you shed the attitudes that attracted the riffraff.

Bottom line is man it ain't your fault and it happens to a lot of us.

Anyway duder, I don't play tabletop RPGs, but I don't mind shootin' the breeze about other gaming stuff if you ever want to. The good news is I think most people come here to talk games, so you are in a good place to find some people who might be interested in talking games with you.

*Whip sound effect*

On topic, I know exactly what you mean. I actually broke off a few of my friendships because it felt like those people only ever talked to me outside of school/work when they needed something. It becomes obvious pretty quickly when someone is like that and only acknowledges your existence because you can provide a valuable service to them.

1. Strokes suck. Sorry.

2. Other people suck. Puppy them.

3. Making friends is hard outside of school or work, and making genuine friends is even harder. It can't happen if you don't give them a chance, however. If you're constantly giving, and getting nothing in return when you need help, maybe consider being less giving. Treat yourself, worry about your own happiness, and in time the people you want to have a friendship with will come to you.

I like turtles

@natedynamic:

I just want someone, anyone, who I can talk to on a regular basis. Maybe has similar interests (gaming, writing, history, tabletop RPGs, general geekery). Someone who is willing to be the sort of friend I'm willing to be, I guess. Hell, most nights I'd settle for a non-hostile voice in a PlanetSide 2 squad. :P

You can talk to me. I have similar interests apart from tabletop rpgs. ahah

I like to talk, and I love gaming, writting, and history.

I'm just tired of people who only seem to hang around if they need something from me.

You and me both. Using others for their own needs, and dumping them later on. It's actually funny because people tend to be hypocritical about these situations.

Anyway. There's my text-based emotional diarrhea. I'm pretty sure I have abdicated any remaining virtual dignity at this point, but now it's not buzzing around in my head. Maybe that's why people do this sort of thing. All I know is that while I don't feel any better about it, the room finally seems quiet enough to sleep in.

I think you feel that way because you expressed everything you wanted, and laid bare your own feelings that you had entrenched deep inside you, calming your mind.

This is not true, strokes don't happen because you lived a busy working life. I can just happen out of the blue, don't blame yourself. Strokes are terrible and you were just terribly unlucky to have one at your (presumably) young age. I wonder how much the extent of your stroke is, but you being able to write this up I'm optimistic. You can recover, you might not be the exact person you were before (mentally and/or physically) but you're young and you can overcome this. Just take things one step at a time and don't hesitate to ask help. I wish you the very best of luck duder, I know what a stroke can do to people but I cannot imagine what it's like for you now.

I might live on a whole other continent, but you can always hit me up on PMs. I'm more medically oriented but I'm tagging @jasonr86 for this topic for a more mental support.