Share a deep secret about yourself

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DarthTraitor

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#1  Edited By DarthTraitor

My wife and I have been trying to have a kid for about a year now. I just found out a few months ago that I’m infertile but never told her. At first she thought it was her, but I think she’s starting to get suspicious and wondering if I could be to blame. I love her a lot and I’m afraid she’ll leave me. But the biggest reason why I haven’t told her is because I’m too afraid to bring children into the world. I’ve had numerous health issues, learning disabilities, disorders, etc. Since the day I was born. I don’t want to pass on my genetics. Yes, just about everything that I have is hereditary. I couldn’t do that. I believe it’s selfish. Anywho, what about you guys? What secrets do you have?

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FacelessVixen

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I like anime.

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Shiftygism

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In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... when my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out! ...but the worst thing I ever done... I mixed up all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then I made a noise like this... "hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa" and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life!

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Rebel_Scum

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My wife and I have been trying to have a kid for about a year now. I just found out a few months ago that I’m infertile but never told her. At first she thought it was her, but I think she’s starting to get suspicious and wondering if I could be to blame. I love her a lot and I’m afraid she’ll leave me. But the biggest reason why I haven’t told her is because I’m too afraid to bring children into the world. I’ve had numerous health issues, learning disabilities, disorders, etc. Since the day I was born. I don’t want to pass on my genetics. Yes, just about everything that I have is hereditary. I couldn’t do that. I believe it’s selfish. Anywho, what about you guys? What secrets do you have?

There's always IVF when it comes to not being able to conceive naturally. Don't take that option as being embarrassing. It's a valid solution.

And re: passing down health scares, I take it your wife doesn't have those issues? They may not get them. It's a 50/50 shot brother. Having kids is great man. Honestly, even with the issues you've had, hasn't life been great for you so far? Think how great it will be when you can share the things you love with your kids.

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stantongrouse

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Alias

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I think I might quit my PhD

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inevpatoria

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Rahf

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And re: passing down health scares, I take it your wife doesn't have those issues? They may not get them. It's a 50/50 shot brother. Having kids is great man. Honestly, even with the issues you've had, hasn't life been great for you so far? Think how great it will be when you can share the things you love with your kids.

Depending on how the gene expresses itself and its qualities, the risk may even be smaller than that.

OnT: Nobody has ever seriously said they love me, outside of immediate family.

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Wrighteous86

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Sombre

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I didn't "fail one topic" of my undergrad and had to redo the year on a technicality like I told my parents

I developed manic depression, and was physically unable to leave my flat, outside of going out at half 11 at night to go get chinese takeaway every night.

I'm doing much better now, and I've never been in a better place in my life

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DarthTraitor

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@rebel_scum: You make some good points. I just have this fear that my kid will inherit all of my problems and hate me for it. Not having kids is definitely not out of the question.

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Dichemstys

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I'm a girl.

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csl316

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@darthtraitor: Dude, talk to your wife. Couples need to be open about stuff like that. If you're married then I would hope she'd understand and you could work through it. Major secrets are never a positive.

On topic: I never played Ocarina of Time and probably never will.

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TacticalKarma

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I lov to play in games a lot...

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Blu3V3nom07

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I love burning platonic bridges it seems.

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FacelessVixen

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@inevpatoria said:

@facelessvixen said:

I like anime.

*police klaxon*

Funny that my real "deep secret" would actually involve the police if I was dumb enough to call the police after getting intimate with an older, 19 turning 20-year-old ex girlfriend while I was still 17.

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Shindig

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I once bought a copy of FIFA 98 for £10. I told the girl in the store to keep the change. It was actually priced at £20.

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DocHaus

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#19  Edited By DocHaus

I once placed second in a national school songwriting contest. The prize was a Britney Spears CD and poster (both signed). And middle-school age me was too afraid of the attention to tell anyone.

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2HeadedNinja

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I made an appointment this week to get a tattoo, that's the second to last thing on my list I had to check before I end my life. My mom either passing away or being in a retirement home is the last thing. Once I don't have the responsibility to watch her anymore I will call it quits. It's probably weird that the tattoo is on this "list", but it's gonna be the first two lines of the "Parting Glass". It's important to me that the very few people I value know that I value them and hope I never did any harm to them.

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Slag

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My wife and I have been trying to have a kid for about a year now. I just found out a few months ago that I’m infertile but never told her. At first she thought it was her, but I think she’s starting to get suspicious and wondering if I could be to blame. I love her a lot and I’m afraid she’ll leave me. But the biggest reason why I haven’t told her is because I’m too afraid to bring children into the world. I’ve had numerous health issues, learning disabilities, disorders, etc. Since the day I was born. I don’t want to pass on my genetics. Yes, just about everything that I have is hereditary. I couldn’t do that. I believe it’s selfish. Anywho, what about you guys? What secrets do you have?

If you are really worried about her leaving you, I'd be much much more concerned about her reaction if she finds out you've been keeping this from her than the fact you have a blameless medical issue. Especially given that you guys are actively trying

There are ways to deal with your concerns, but you can only have a chance at solving them if you guys talk about it and work together. You obviously love your wife very much, by that same token if you do truly love her you should trust her enough to be honest with her about your worries.

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MonkeyKing1969

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One of the most fit and in shape I have ever been was two summers after I broke up with my girlfriend. After work, I would drive home then jump on my 24-speed road bike. I would ride 17 miles round trip in about an hour ovr some good sized hills. The route I took always took me past her house, even though it meant cutting down into a circular road with a huge hill. NOT ONCE DID I EVER SEE HER!

No Caption Provided

LOL- If someone told me they did that today, I'd tell them that was super creepy! Because it was...desparte, creepy, and dumb. However, I was in such good shape for having done that; but I was 20 years old and very dumb too.

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DarthTraitor

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@csl316: I will. But I’m taking a firm stance on not having kids now. Even if the odds of me passing down my genetic shortcomings is low, I don’t want to take on those odds.

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DarthTraitor

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#25  Edited By DarthTraitor

@slag: I get what you’re saying. However, I’m afraid she won’t understand my concern for secretly not wanting to have a child. I know her, I know that she will try to convince me that the odds of me passing down my bad genes could be very slim but I just don’t want to chance the odds. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if my child received all of my genetic baggage. It’s no way to live. I know they would hate me for it.

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Shindig

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One of the most fit and in shape I have ever been was two summers after I broke up with my girlfriend. After work, I would drive home then jump on my 24-speed road bike. I would ride 17 miles round trip in about an hour ovr some good sized hills. The route I took always took me past her house, even though it meant cutting down into a circular road with a huge hill. NOT ONCE DID I EVER SEE HER!

No Caption Provided

LOL- If someone told me they did that today, I'd tell them that was super creepy! Because it was...desparte, creepy, and dumb. However, I was in such good shape for having done that; but I was 20 years old and very dumb too.

No Caption Provided

This is all I can see playing out. Except on a bike.

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Slag

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@slag: I get what you’re saying. However, I’m afraid she won’t understand my concern for secretly not wanting to have a child. I know her, I know that she will try to convince me that the odds of me passing down my bad genes could be very slim but I just don’t want to chance the odds. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if my child received all of my genetic baggage. It’s no way to live. I know they would hate me for it.

I understand your fear and I think it's rational to be worried about passing on what you have, but are you sure that you are properly assessing what's the greater danger to your relationship?

You are worried about a hypothetical problem (that you and your wife won't be able to reach an acceptable compromise on kids) in exchange for a severe problem that's happening right now.

Think this through. How does this play out for you if you continue doing what you are doing? I see 3 possibilities

  • If she catches on soon and discovers you lied to her, she'll likely be very hurt and feel betrayed in a way that she may never forget. She may leave you
  • If she catches on years from now, she may rightfully resent you (especially if she feels robbed of having a chance at having a child) and never trust you again. She may leave you
  • If she never finds out, your guilty feelings (which you clearly already have) will likely eat at you creating emotional and communicational distance that will cause your marriage to suffer and may cause your marriage to fall apart anyway

Ask yourself this is there any possibility , any possibility at all, if you continue to hide this from her that it ends well at all? Personally I think your odds are zero of saving the relationship if you continue with what you are doing. In the very "best" case scenario she never finds out and you are miserable with guilt the rest of your life. That's no way to live man

meanwhile if you tell her now, it's probably gonna be extremely uncomfortable and it may indeed go badly. Maybe even the worst case happens. But at least you've got a real chance of and your wife will know that you love and trust her. And that's the difference. Some chance of a happy endings is a lot better than no chance if you ask me.

I'm sure you are right, that your wife will try to convince you that you might luck out on genetics. I think you owe it to her to at least hear her out. Neither one of you probably honestly knows what the real risk is. It might be that you are wrong or she is or both of you. Go to see some specialists together and let the experts tell you both together what the actual facts are. The two of you will make better decisions with better information.

It may be that once you've demonstrated that you trust her and you are still unwilling to conceive with her naturally after you've gone through that, that she'll be open to other options that you guys both find agreeable (donor sperm, adoption, something else). But you only get that outcome if you are honest with her now

the longer you keep this a secret, the more harm it causes to what you guys have. I implore you to reconsider before it's too late while you still have a chance to repair this.

If you need to , don't just take my word for it. Ask a therapist, a close member or friend who can keep this private until you decide and I'll bet they will tell the same as I have told you.

That's my last comment on this. I realize you didn't start this thread with this kind of feedback in mind and I don't want to badger you. But I'd feel horrible if I didn't at least try to help you fix this mistake while it's still possible. I can tell you are in a lot of anguish.

Best of luck man, I know this is scary. I'm rooting for you.

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wmoyer83

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I have a anxiety disorder. It sucks.

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Sahalarious

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when I was 10 i wanted The Eminem Show, but my mom made me get the edited version. So i took the CD with me to my uncles house, found his car keys, and swapped my copy for his uncensored copy and never got caught.

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Dichemstys

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I will not deceive people about my very pro steatopygic leanings