So I cannot understand the Bible.

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biospank

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#1  Edited By biospank

I have not really thought about it, to be honest before now so to make a huge book short in the Old Testament  we humans are a product of heavy incest  by Adam and Eve but satan kinda said; this apple Ipad is awesome. Then she was like any other humanbeing and started touching it and play free games and showed it to Adam. But God was a super hardcore gamer, so he banned em from eden. Then came us from a huge line of incest.
 
Later some generations of incest, we are to believe that  Moses got hacks and cheat codes from god to defeat Nazi Pharaoh because he turned all the jews in the land to be slaves to build and awesome Sim city. But Moses used his hacks and cheat codes to escape egypt. and then they walked the desert in 60 years or so because they did not have a map and god wanted them to make another sim city, but before that he gave moses the FAQ rules.  But everyone was more or less hungry and got pissed at Moses with his hacks and cheat codes. So they wanted to have another god or something and started praying to that, while Moses got his FAQ rules and then he destroyed the FAQs when he saw what they where doing. And then there was a speach or something.
 
So later there where nothing going on except for emos writeing emo poetry about god. 
 
Then some time later When the new Testament came about god wanted to tap some ass, if it was not some angels and then he meet some sweet virgin named Mary.  And his bastard son named Jesus Snow got god mode turned on by God when he was 13 or something. Then Jesus started baiting the old Jews about his God mode, then they perma banned him. But he was more or less whats up brah! 3 days after.  
 
Then later a dude named Paul started to capitalize on the story of Jesus and made up other stuff about why sex is evil, ect. that Jesus never said. 
 
So am I the only one that does not seem to understand the logic within the Bible? to all the chirstians I am not making fun of you or anything but I really don't understand the logic of the story or true events(if you can call it that). So again this is a huge book turned short like a pitch. So I have probably forgoten something, I am not sure if I have even.

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Hunkulese

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#2  Edited By Hunkulese

2/10

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Video_Game_King

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#3  Edited By Video_Game_King

What the fuck are you talking about?

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Whampire

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#4  Edited By Whampire

Oh, wow. This is going to turn out fantastically!

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zeforgotten

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#5  Edited By zeforgotten

I never understood the Adam and Eve thing.

They have a couple of sons (and according to some, even daughters) and then one of those sons went out and found a wife and they had kids.

Did they like, do it with their sisters or mother or whatever? Because that's kinda fucked up, even for wizards

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Hunkulese

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#6  Edited By Hunkulese
@ZeForgotten Only crazy people read the bible literally.
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McGhee

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#7  Edited By McGhee

Yeah, you've got the biblical basics down well enough.

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McGhee

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#8  Edited By McGhee

@Hunkulese said:

@ZeForgotten Only crazy people read the bible literally.

There are a whole lot of those people here where I live.

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Imsorrymsjackson

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#9  Edited By Imsorrymsjackson

Flag and move on, this is going to turn into a mass argument.

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zeforgotten

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#10  Edited By zeforgotten

@Hunkulese said:

@ZeForgotten Only crazy people read the bible literally.

Yes, someone has sex with their mother or sister and I'm the crazy one :P

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Justin258

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#11  Edited By Justin258
I am not making fun of you or anything

Yes you are. I'd comment more but my Eggo's are cooking.

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NTM

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#12  Edited By NTM

Don't try to make sense of it, even people that are devoted to it I don't think understand it as they think they do.

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Cloudenvy

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#13  Edited By Cloudenvy

Carry on.

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Everyones_A_Critic

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Holy shit I'm so glad I caught this before the lock.

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Video_Game_King

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#15  Edited By Video_Game_King

@ZeForgotten:

Yep, it was with their sisters. This is how it goes down:

"Oh no, Abel's dead!"

"'Sup. I'm Seth. I'm cool and stuff."

"And we're your sisters! Let's fuck!"

"Awesome."

Also, Cain has sex with his sisters, but in his case, it's bad, because god hates vegan pussies or something. I don't remember exactly.

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Whampire

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#16  Edited By Whampire

I can't believe that I'm only now learning that emo dates back to BC times.

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zeforgotten

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#17  Edited By zeforgotten

@Video_Game_King said:

@ZeForgotten:

Yep, it was with their sisters. This is how it goes down:

"Oh no, Abel's dead!"

"'Sup. I'm Seth. I'm cool and stuff."

"And we're your sisters! Let's fuck!"

"Awesome."

Also, Cain has sex with his sisters, but in his case, it's bad, because god hates vegan pussies or something. I don't remember exactly.

I don't wanna live on this planet anymore...

To Mars!

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PeasantAbuse

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#19  Edited By PeasantAbuse

Where does BasedGod fit into all of this?

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McGhee

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#20  Edited By McGhee

You left out the part where peace loving Jesus comes back to earth on a horse with a flaming sword and slaughters millions of people.

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Bourbon_Warrior

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#21  Edited By Bourbon_Warrior

It's some crazy fiction that Bible. Don't know how anyone can take it serious...

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Video_Game_King

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#22  Edited By Video_Game_King

@ZeForgotten:

They're not too big on humans. In fact, they're not too big on anybody, really. Imagine space Spartans.

@BraveToaster said:

Has anyone here ever thought about how much shit they will be in if God actually does exist?

Blaise Pascal?

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Jrad

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#24  Edited By Jrad

@BraveToaster said:

Has anyone here ever thought about how much shit they will be in if God actually does exist?

Jeez, obviously God exists, but he's planning on sending all the fools who believe in him without evidence to Hell. I mean really, if Heaven were filled with religious fundamentalists, I think calling it 'Heaven' might be a bit of a misnomer.

^ just as much evidence for the above as there is for any other religious belief

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biospank

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#25  Edited By biospank
So it put some slang into it, the reason for that is because so I could understand it better. There might be more people like me that understands slang better then real words, if they are non-English speakers. 
@McGhee: Nope it has not happend and they really don't specify it in the fever dream that is the Johns Revelations. 
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Video_Game_King

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#26  Edited By Video_Game_King

@BraveToaster said:

@Video_Game_King said:

@BraveToaster said:

Has anyone here ever thought about how much shit they will be in if God actually does exist?

Blaise Pascal?

Oh, I didn't know he had a Giant Bomb profile.

Pronouns can be tricky, especially when you are potentially not included as part of that pronoun.

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McGhee

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#27  Edited By McGhee

@biospank said:

So it put some slang into it, the reason for that is because so I could understand it better. There might be more people like me that understands slang better then real words, if they are non-English speakers.
@McGhee: Nope it has not happend and they really don't specify it in the fever dream that is the Johns Revelations.

You know, even when you are trying to be more serious, nothing you say makes any sense.

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TwoLines

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#28  Edited By TwoLines

Uhuh. Okay. Carry on.

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jjnen

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#29  Edited By jjnen

Guys, I don't understand the Flying Spaghetti Monster thingy? How can meatballs fly?

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pyromagnestir

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#30  Edited By pyromagnestir

So...

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cmblasko

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#31  Edited By cmblasko

@McGhee said:

You left out the part where peace loving Jesus comes back to earth on a horse with a flaming sword and slaughters millions of people.

Now there's a part I don't remember learning about in Catholic school.

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Enigma777

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#32  Edited By Enigma777

What if god was one of us... Dun dun dun. Just a slob like one of us.. Dun dun dun.

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KiloKAHN

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#33  Edited By KiloKAHN

There is no room for Jesus in the digital world, and as such I pay no matter to the meat thing of ages past. Though I must say I admire some of the daemons present in biblical mythology.

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McGhee

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#34  Edited By McGhee

@cmblasko said:

@McGhee said:

You left out the part where peace loving Jesus comes back to earth on a horse with a flaming sword and slaughters millions of people.

Now there's a part I don't remember learning about in Catholic school.

Revelation 19

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, King Of Kings, And Lord Of Lords.
And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God;
That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great.
And I saw the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against him that sat on the horse, and against his army.
And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.
And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

Fun, right?

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Counterclockwork87

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This thread should get locked before people start to get upset!

But to answer your question it doesn't make sense because it's fiction, kinda like The Lord of The Rings...

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biospank

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#36  Edited By biospank
@McGhee: Well its not really jesus, again it says word of god, not messhia or son of god. But then again its probably made into some code-breaking crap in the age of Nero. Reason why I left it out too much fever dream-like.
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McGhee

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#37  Edited By McGhee

@biospank said:

@McGhee: Well its not really jesus, again it says word of god, not messhia or son of god. But then again its probably made into some code-breaking crap in the age of Nero. Reason why I left it out too much fever dream-like.

Jesus = Word of God

John 1

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life,and that life was the light of all mankind.The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe.He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God —children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
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biospank

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#38  Edited By biospank
@McGhee: Ok, I see. I am wrong on that one but the fever dream that is revaltions is too mindnumbing for me.
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TheDudeOfGaming

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#39  Edited By TheDudeOfGaming

It's not worth it...that is to say, you're not worth it.

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InternetCrab

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#40  Edited By InternetCrab

It's religion... However, I do enjoy your gaming version of the Bible.

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BestUsernameEver

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#41  Edited By BestUsernameEver

@Hunkulese said:

2/10

would not read again.

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Dookysharpgun

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#42  Edited By Dookysharpgun

Adam and Eve: a story about defying god's will. More a cautionary tale, ignore the characters.

Jesus: I'm not even touching that one, but let's just say I'm inclined to believe that the dude was gifted, and charismatic, probably highly intelligent and advanced for his time.

Overall, don't take the bible stories seriously, because that's all they are, stories. Most of those kinds of tales exist as a guide of what to do or not do...the content means fuck all, it's the message that's important. ( And also, there's debate as to whether some of the things in the bible were indeed the 'word of god' and not just some dude who didn't like homosexual people...seriously, seems pretty odd that an all-mighty being who loves all of his children would flip his shit over two individuals of the same gender bangin'.)

And really, theologians have attempted to interpret the bible since near enough 300 A.D. (or C.E. for some stupid fucking reason...ugh I hate historians) and all they can come up with is more complex ways of saying the same thing...or impose a logical view of events involving Jesus. Lemme put it this way, when a branch of theology is Christology, and then a sub-section of that is Mariology, you should pretty much give up on trying to understand the bible at all, because most of these guys can't tell you shit without making up their own words for certain events involving names from the bible. It's literally one of the most confusing and unnecessary studies on earth, so just think about it this way: Treat others the way you'd like to be treated, and that'll do pig, that'll do. That's really the only logic in there.

And the Paul thing? There's pretty much a general consensus that the guy who wrote the gospels wasn't the actual disciple from Jesus' time, more than likely a guy who took up the name to pay homage to the original version. Again, there's no definitive proof that any of the original eleven were involved with the actual writing of the bible, they would have been kinda busy not dying while trying to convert people and spread the good news...so yeah...

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mscupcakes

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#43  Edited By mscupcakes

@KiloKAHN said:

There is no room for Jesus in the digital world, and as such I pay no matter to the meat thing of ages past. Though I must say I admire some of the daemons present in biblical mythology.

I think Homer Simpson would disagree with you.

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pr1mus

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#44  Edited By pr1mus
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TheHumanDove

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#45  Edited By TheHumanDove

What's the DEAL with coin operated washing machines?

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Marcsman

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#46  Edited By Marcsman

@Video_Game_King said:

What the fuck are you talking about?

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TEHMAXXORZ

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#47  Edited By TEHMAXXORZ

@Hunkulese said:

2/10

WOULD NOT READ AGAIN!

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Hunkulese

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#48  Edited By Hunkulese
@ZeForgotten

@Hunkulese said:

@ZeForgotten Only crazy people read the bible literally.

Yes, someone has sex with their mother or sister and I'm the crazy one :P

Maybe you should reread what I wrote
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Paindamnation

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#49  Edited By Paindamnation

This is just spam. To which I give no attention too.

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Hunkulese

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#50  Edited By Hunkulese
@biospank
So it put some slang into it, the reason for that is because so I could understand it better. There might be more people like me that understands slang better then real words, if they are non-English speakers. 
@McGhee: Nope it has not happend and they really don't specify it in the fever dream that is the Johns Revelations. 
If your original post was a serious attempt to inform people I'm legitimately terrified.