In 2007 Michael Bay did an exceptional job when it came to bringing to life the famed childrens cartoon Transformers. An interesting plot, combined with a witty protagonist and very interesting action sequences made for a very good summer blockbuster. Apparently making good movies wasn't Michael Bay's thing, so he instead switched his focus into drenching cinematography with his urine by making what is Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen. To start off, the best parts that were expected of this movie were the fights fight sequences between the transformers. They went something like this:
- Robots transform
- Robots argue about saving or destroying Earth
- Robots slam into each other as hard as possible and all you see is a huge pile of scrap metal rolling across the screen.
Wow, talk about insane special effects!
So yea, if you just take two trashbags full of scrap metal, slam them together really hard for ten minutes, have your friend film it all, and repeat at least twenty times you'll probably make a better transformers sequel than revenge of the fallen.
But it can't just be full of robot fighting can it? Oh no no my friend, when you don't see Optimus Prime fighting against Megatron over some plot that you still don't understand by the end of the movie, you get to see Megan Fox running away from explosions...
Don't want to miss this hot scene with Megan Fox? Don't worry there's twenty more you have to sit through more or less exactly the same.
Not only does Megan Fox somehow manage to run away from every explosion that destroys anything within a one mile radius, but she does it all without a scratch! That's right, from the beginning of the movie until the end, not only do you not see a spec of dirt on her outfit, but for some reason her makeup just doesn't wear off. Either that, or she keeps reapplying it while she's running away from the transformers. Of course she needs to look her best since an entire 1/5th of the movie consists of her running in slow motion and doing 360 shots of her in full makeup and designer clothes after she has barely avoided the apocolypse.
Yea apparently the 100 degree weather, countless explosions, and getting rag dolled by transformers isn't enough to get Megan Fox messy.
If that weren't enough Mr. Bay also decided to make the transformers much more interesting this time around. How so you ask? Simple, by throwing in racial stereotypes into the mix.
Within the first two minutes of the movie, you see a pair of twin transformers who talk with an accent similar to a crackhead from baltimore and look like the robot equivalent of JJ from Good Times. On top of that, all they do is talk about "busting a cap" in each others asses. Oh man, you're so awesome Michael Bay, that's the greatest idea ever. When you run out of ideas to make a movie witty or interesting, just play on racial stereotypes! Nice job asshole, last time I checked, the transformers were supposed to be from another planet, not Inner Harbor Baltimore.
But no, Bay can't just finish off Transformers II with only the things I've just mentioned. If he did that, he wouldn't have successfully wasted two and a half hours of my life.
To shit on the movie even more, he decided to make it even more unique by making a sorority whore trying to get into Sam Witwicke's pants that turns out to be a transformer. WOW! A hot woman that turns out to be a killer robot! Why didn't anyone ever think of that?! Oh wait they did...
The homage to Terminator 3 would have been a nice scene, if it didn't extend pointlessly for 20 minutes.
On top of a cheap Kristanna Loken ripoff, there's a car chase sequence added inwhich the killer female robot runs after the car, grabs on, and they have to maneuver the car to get rid of it. Hey, at least that parts original.
You can't blame Michael Bay, after making a car scene in Bad Boyz II involving dead bodies being thrown Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, how could you possibly make a chase scene any worse?
I've seen more originality at a high school shakespeare play than I did sitting through this entire movie. It's okay though, because the movie makes up for it's shortcomings with a nice hour long preview of Shia LeBeouf's new movie, Indiana Jones.
From Transformers to a full fledged Indiana Jones treasure hunt. It doesn't make a difference because it sucks all the way through.
That's right, for an entire hour of the movie you see Shia LeBeouf run from the Washington Smithsonimum, all the way to the desserts of Egypt in order to find a sacred key of the Transformers. Within this time frame absolutely nothing significant happens which couldn't have been summed up in five minutes. In the end they find the treasure which they take more time to explain about than the entire plot of the movie.
The one saving grace Transformers II had was this cool transformer referred too as devestator. Once I saw him it transform I thought, "Man this movie might make a turn around and end on a good note." I was proven wrong. After the robot transforms the movies focus constantly shifts back and forth between showing scenes of this awesome looking robot and random fights and explosions no one in the theater cared about. The part that really put the nail in the coffin was using sexual references for comedic effect. At one point of the movie, in a huge climatic battle for humanity, a character mentions that devastator has two wrecking balls underneath his legs which look like testicles.
It's a wrecking ball on a giant robot made of construction vehicles. So it looks like it has balls! AHAHAHA isn't it great when you have 12 year olds write your script?
All in all Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen is a waste of time. Save your money.
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