What do you do when your work is really affecting your mental health?

Hey duders,

So, things haven't been so good lately. I recently moved to the South West of the UK from the North West to live with my partner and start a life here. That part is amazing, and is everything I could hope and more. Spending every day with her at the end of the day is amazing, and we have some really good times.

But....my work is really making me close to a breakdown.

I took this job working with the council, working with children. I thought it was going to be amazing. However, once I started, it's just got worse and worse every day.

My boss is micro managing me to such an insane degree that I just feel like I'm being watched every single minute of the day. She checks our Outlook calendars relentlessly, and if there's even a fifteen minute gap where we don't have something booked in, she'll bring it up in the group chat so everyone knows about it.

In addition to this, the job just isn't what I expected at all. I thought it was going to be mainly office/WFH based, yet every single day of the week I have to drive all over the county, visiting children who have absolutely zero desire to talk to me or see me, so I just feel demoralized after every visit pretty much.

Driving is something that I really hate, as you may have noticed in my post a few weeks ago about driving anxiety. It's getting better, but I'm still really stressed about driving. I have to go on unfamiliar routes, and it's just causing me no end of worry that I'm going to be in an accident or something. I usually check out the streetview of every route I take, but that's taking up so much time too.

I think finally, the thing that's causing me most concern is that...I just can't switch off from work. Even during my freetime at evenings and weekends, I'm always thinking about work. I can't switch off, at all. It was my partners birthday this weekend, so we went away, and the entire time we were away, I was just worrying about work.

Thankfully, I have an amazing partner who is helping me through all these hard times, but I don't want to put all this stress and negative energy on her.

I've started applying for new jobs, which feels good to do, but even then, I have a four week notice period at work which I'd have to work. In addition to this, I feel like a failure because I'm quitting this job after two months. I spoke to a few friends who said nowadays, that's not a problem, but in my last job I worked there for almost ten years, so leaving after two months feels bad.

Does anyone have any advice, or have you been in this situation yourselves? I could use some guidance, or reassurance.

@sombre: Really sorry to hear about your extremely stressful job situation. I think you’re doing the right thing by applying to other jobs. You haven’t failed at all; your supervisor is the failure, because balancing their employees’ well-being and mission is a key part of their job.

I can really only relate a similar experience with a job I held in 2015. I took a job after moving to a new city (after 5ish months of being unemployed), one that applied better to my degree than my previous work. Pretty much immediately regretted it, as the hours were really long (worked 10-12 hours every day with a salary structure / no OT) and the boss was abusive and controlling. I won’t go into too many details, but my favorite one was when she forced the receptionist to secretly remove all the coffee cups from the break room because of “mice”. In reality, she probably just hated the 5 total minutes we spent each day socializing at the coffee machine. At any rate, she called one time to ask me to pull something from her desk, and I found half-eaten food and wrappers just sitting in her desk. Coffee mice, indeed.

I was at the job for 6 months, which was 5 months too long. I had regular nightmares about work, and it got so bad I would hallucinate the “ding” notification sound of my work phone. I would grind my teeth when I did sleep so badly that one of them is permanently chipped. It was really tough to not feel like a failure, but the liberation I felt after quitting was immense. I stuck around for two and a half weeks after announcing my intention to leave; most people who quit that job would just stop showing up. Can’t blame them at all.

Anyway, the thing I want to emphasize is that you’re not crazy or a failure. Terrible employers make it their main mission to disguise how terrible working for them will be (because correcting their own terrible practices would be ridiculous, apparently). One of the only powers we have is to walk away when shit sucks, and realizing how much shit sucks can be super tough. Good luck on finding that new position, and I hope it treats you better. Those four weeks of runway from this job will feel better with a light at the end of the tunnel.

Like many things in life your options here are determined to some extent by your financial situation. Can you afford to quit right now, with nothing else lined up? If so, you should consider that option.

I quit a job that I hated in 2009. I had money saved up so I was able to do it. I took some odd jobs and then ending up starting my own company, which I've been happily running for the past 12 years. It is much better on the other side and you owe it to yourself and your partner to take care of yourself. But I don't want to be too kumbaya about it either. It takes the privilege of money to be able to do this.

One other thing. As somebody who is now in management and has employees... you don't owe your employer anything. Screw management. The entire system is set up for those above you to exploit your time and labor and grind you into dust. Don't give a second thought to how it looks if you quit after 2 months. Take care of yourself and your (extremely supportive, from the sound of it) partner first and foremost.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about how soon you quit, to be honest. If it comes up a in a future interview, you've got a way of explaining it.

Switching off is key, though. Even if you're thinking about work, you can't really do anything until you get back behind the desk. So leave it til Monday/Tomorrow or whatever.

Find a way out of that ASAP. Normally I'd say wait until you've got a buffer saved up so you have something to live on while you search for something else, but based on what you're saying I might just get out now. There's just too many red flags that this is a job you're going to hate and isn't something you can grow into or even just tolerate. The driving seems to stress you out too much and your boss doesn't sound like the kind of person who's going to be sympathetic to that.

Also, I'm not exactly sure what a "council job working with children" means in the UK, so maybe it's not the same, but in the States that would usually be code for "working with disadvantaged and/or abused kids." My first job out of law school was working a non-profit that had to did a lot of TPRs and GAL work. That shit's tough (I completely burned out in six months). The problem is that unless you are very specifically wired to do that kind of work, you're going to have a hard time switching off. Eventually, you will get angry and frustrated and you will start taking that home with you. Based on how glowingly you speak about your partner, I don't think you want to risk jeopardizing that because of work shit, even a little bit.

When the going gets tough... quit!

I support everyone else's encouraging messages to you here, and would caution that unless you want to bring additional financial stress to your domestic partnership, it's probably a better idea to find a job and THEN quit. But that 4 week notice period may be a deal breaker to a lot of potential employers (idk how it is in the UK, but probably like America, not great), so maybe put in the notice, give your boss the bare minimum and take plenty of personal days to interview.

All my worst jobs were explicitly temporary positions. That's one thing, but it ain't worth hating most of your waking hours indefinitely! Realizing you don't gel with something is not a failure, it's valuable for the future.

As someone who's been in a stressful job in an unfamiliar location that requires me to confront my weaknesses regularly for the past 2 years +, I can sympathize. I also have had a hard time not thinking about work during leisure time, so I understand that too.

I'll give you a cliffs notes of the lessons I've learned along the way that have helped me. This is all still a work in progress and probably sounds pseudo-intellectual because I had to resort to Buddhism and the Stoics to cope. I hate name dropping that shit, but I had to do what I had to do, so bear with me.

You're not a failure for quitting after two months. Sounds like your job sucks. And considering yourself a failure after a difficult first two months on the job isn't realistic. You're still learning. If you get fired, you're also not a failure. You are not your job, and your "worth" as a person (if such a thing exists) is not determined by your job. We exist in the midst of systems that were not created for us by any divine being and are not "natural" per se for humans to be a part of. Some person had to create your position, and there's a solid chance they fucked up while doing it. People existed before these systems, people will exist after these systems. Always remember that your job is made up, and you, as a person, are as "real" as anything else in this world.

To the best of our present scientific knowledge, you've got one life to live. And your time is limited. It's not wise to place your happiness in an invention (your position) that was not created to make you happy or fulfilled. It's not wise to place your happiness in anything (your position) that can easily come and go. Because it will, one way or another. I can't tell you where to place your happiness, where to find peace, etc.

But I'm of the opinion that finding deep, enduring personal fulfillment in a career is something that only happens to a handful of us. Everyone else has to find fulfillment elsewhere. Put effort into your job, to be sure. But meritocracy and "jobs" as we now know them are a recent historical invention. People put so much of themselves into climbing the ladder, running the rat race, doing "well," and being "good" at their jobs. And when many of them arrive at where they think they want to be, they feel a profound sense of emptiness, or worse they feel an enduring sense of anxiety about losing what they've gained. Let go of this shit, to the extent you feel comfortable.

Either quit and find something better or stay and become a weird asshole like me. Whatever your choice, you can still be happy.

For me it is important to talk to someone. This could be my friend or brother. I try to find ways to relax and destress outside of work. This might involve gym, spending time with friends and family, or doing something I enjoy (films/music). If I feel like my work is putting too much stress on my mental health, I talk to my boss.

I think there's a lot of good advice in this thread. Here's what I would amplify and additionally recommend:

• Understand your financial situation completely and learn the cost of quitting. If you have savings, figure out with your partner how long you can reasonably go without a job. If you and your partner are at a point where you share finances, this is easier to do together. If you don't, figure out how you might be able to work this through and be explicit about financial expectations of one another if you quit. Money conflict with a partner is awful and terminal to many relationships. It's also a great thing to get into the habit of discussing to make future money talk easier.
• Short tenure at a job is not a big deal if it's not a great fit and you can talk about why/how you made your changes. Do not talk crap about your current boss in a job interview, be careful in talking about how your position was a bait and switch. Your tone on that type of item can get you immediately pulled from job contention. When you're interviewing, there's a lot you can say about how the job didn't fit compared to what you are looking to do in your career. You can carefully say that it didn't work out how you had expected or planned.
• 4 weeks is pretty short in the grand scheme of things, though it might not feel like it. Expect that you may be walked out the door the moment you quit. You should be able to negotiate a month start date, especially given the nature of your current position.
• Use NHS resources. Find a therapist who can help you build skills to help you keep ahead of this mentally. Consider a psychiatrist if you are referred to one. The process of making it through tough times is a skill, and it's hard, and mental health professionals are a great resource. Encourage your partner to do the same if they need to learn some tactics to keep supporting you and keeping on top of things for themselves. There is no failure in looking to gain mental health skills or support or medical help.

Just quit, life is too short

This is one of the few real concerns I constantly struggle with and have no good answer for thanks to my lifetime spent working for family owned bars or restaurants where the word “benefits” only applies to the sexual proclivities of your coworkers and the missing drinks from your tab at the social after hours. As much as I enjoy the lifestyle, it can be hard not to get adrift pondering if it’s me that loves the job or the job that loves me.

There’s no viral equivalent of the Wife Guy for the non-Don Draper Work Guy that I’m aware of, but I spent most of the past 6 years doing that job I got fired from. I managed significant aspects of it (for whatever reason, I kept note that I spent nearly $20,000 of company money on whiskey and amaro in a single order while we were still closed to the public and takeout meal plans were dwindling) experienced sliver-width slices of half a decade of other people’s lives while mixing them drinks, weathered a damn pandemic in which hospitality often seemed the first least likely workplace to survive, let alone the many uninsured workers who make service happen. I never wanted to leave it, but in retrospect what my friend/GM said to me during our offensively abrupt exit interview was acutely accurate: “this job is stifling you.”

I wouldn’t say I’ve made any good on the idea that unbridled passion would be rekindled as I walked out that door, but I am surprised at how content and satisfied I am no longer having a job I deeply marry to my personality and/or general satisfaction with life. And it’s kind of nice, in that weirdly angelic glow all anxious people seem to apply to the did and done past, to be able to remember I cared about a job that deeply once, like a One That Got Away or at the very least a reminder that work is out there that doesn’t begin nor end at “this is how I pay for my rent, utilities and restaurant cheeseburgers that nearly cost what a whole chicken breast does, but the price of beef is the price of beef after all” and I oughta make sure I’m as happy AWAY from work as I am in the thick of it.

I went to a concert with said guy who fired me a few weeks ago (Black MIDI, for those who’ll need to know) and when we hit our local afterwards, I couldn’t help but be struck by our conversation not once veering towards our specific work or even restaurants/hospitality in general. After years spent in that all consuming vortex of “I love my life because I love my job”, it was honestly stunning to fully perceive just how much I’d made “caring about my job” a personality trait if not a full on persona.

All that to say, do work that makes you happy but don’t let said happy work dilute the external pressures that bother you on darker, colder nights. They aren’t trivial or weak, they simply are and deserve reckoning.

Was in a similar, shitty work environment. I did therapy to get through it but the thing that ended up fixing my mental health the most was finding a new job that was not as toxic.

I know it feels like a "failure" now, but after, you'll find that quitting is the single best thing you could do for yourself right now.

Also, therapy will help AFTER you quit this job too. It'll be a months-long period of processing the shit you went through before you can truly let go.