Stop Cyberbullying Me!
For those of you who have been on the Giant Bomb Discord or Twitter, you know the surrounding Giant Bomb Community has been dunking on me for my "eccentric" food preferences and tastes. Among my many "sins," determined by the internet food police, is my insistence that you can use Ranch Dressing as a replacement for marinara or traditional pizza sauce as a base on a pizza. Other things that can "apparently" get me thrown into food jail include my use of ketchup in pasta sauces and my secret "Salsa Marinara" recipe, where I make pico de gallo, blend it, and cook it down to make a pasta sauce. As you might suspect, I will no longer stand for this cyberbullying. I believe in freedom and will use this blog to show this community the pure deliciousness of Ranch Pizza!
Step #1: Pre-Made Pizza Dough Is Legit
Fuck making dough from scratch! The pre-made pizza dough that you can buy in most grocery stores is just as good and far easier to work with than homemade pizza dough. After getting this dough, find a pizza tray and grease it with whatever oil-based substance you want. I prefer to use olive oil, but if you're going to slather Crisco on that thing, go ahead! I'm not your daddy! Because I wanted to piss off the pizza purists, I used a rectangular baking sheet instead of a circular one. Again, I believe in freedom.
Step #2: Buy High-Quality Ranch Dressing
As chefs often say, when a recipe calls for wine: cook with something you are willing to drink. The same sentiment applies to the Ranch Dressing you will be using on this pizza pie. Your body deserves something better than Hidden Valley, but I'm not judging you if that's all you got. Shit, we've all been there! You're hungry, and all you have is salad mix that is two days past the sell-by date, withered carrots, and Hidden Valley Ranch! If it gets the job done, who am I to judge?
Nonetheless, a Ranch Pizza will require a dressing with a higher "proof" than your standard sauce. Therefore, I recommend you splurge and get an artisanal variety of Ranch for this recipe. You want something to permeate the dough and survive the baking process. That's why you should look for a thicker sauce than most "big brand" dressings.
Step #3: Use About Half The Bottle (No, Seriously)
Yup, you read that right! You will be using AT LEAST half of that bottle of Ranch Dressing for this pizza. Unlike tomato or cream-based pizza sauces, Ranch will evaporate, and its tangy flavor will become muted if you do not use the appropriate amount of dressing for this pie. Whatever amount you think you will use, you are going to need to double that for your pizza. Think of this like when you are cooking spinach. When you cook spinach, there's that moment right at the start of the cooking process where it looks like you used too much, but two minutes in, you realize that's not the case. That's how you need to treat Ranch Dressing as a pizza base. Drench that fucking dough!
Step #4: Load That Pie Up TO THE CEILING With Toppings!
Fuck it; if you are already using Ranch Dressing for a pizza base, why pull back on toppings? In my case, I used sausage, sauteed onions, mozzarella, pepperoni, black olives, and shredded Parmesan. I like to do a second layer of cheese after putting on meat and vegetables, but not as much as the first layer. I want there to be enough cheese to crisp up and get crunchy but not enough to become a cheese soup like a Chicago-style pizza casserole. Also, certain meats pair with Ranch better than others. A ubiquitous pairing involves bacon and grilled chicken, which I highly recommend to Ranch Pizza novices.
Step #5: Cook The Pizza
Preheat and bake at 400°F. Please don't ask me for a time. You have to judge that one by how it looks and feels. I prefer my pizzas crispy. To me, the best pizza is one that has a crust that snaps like a cracker. That wasn't the case with the one I made in this blog, but you are the shepherd of your pizza's texture.
Step #6: Serve With A Salad And Enjoy
Trust me; you are going to love this pie. I recommend eating this pizza with a lightly dressed salad because at least one thing on your plate should be "healthy." While your arteries might be screaming as they read this blog, your taste buds are bound to be jumping for joy!
Stand With Freedom Make A Pizza Using Ranch!
Again, I hope my picture blog proves that I am not wavering as I deal with the full brunt of the internet. I support good-tasting food and freedom. With this website addressing the anti-Pineapple bias by pizza snobs, I hope we can create an aura of positivity regarding Ranch Pizza.