ahoodedfigure

I guess it's sunk cost. No need to torture myself over what are effectively phantasms.

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Mass Effect as Human Training Simulation for Inclusion into Spacefaring Culture

As Jokek's A History of Human Inclusion shows, the video game Mass Effect was instrumental in preparing a sizable quantity of human fledglings for their initial induction into Galactic society.  Since then, humans have, in turn, been instrumental in freeing smarter races from the drudgery of the scum mines, embarrassing and inconvenient Bleetor skin breeding, and the abject terror of the inevitably fatal hazings of the Grund-bull. It's important, though, to realize that the Mass Effect game that humans first encountered during their original indoctrination was originally subject to so many revisions and simplifications that depicting the game using contemporary Galactic communication forms would appear absurd if directly translated.  Therefore, we directly translate them.  Enjoy.

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  • In our prior attempts to enlighten humanity, the Sigilators tried other names for conveyances that magically project spacecraft and species between the stars. Although there were a few attempts to translate the true name of these devices, the actual term, "Convenience Drive", was met with derision by the human audiences.

  • It was important to portray life aboard a station orbiting among the stars as dignified, enlightened, and beautiful. The reality of spacebourne life might have scared potential Mind Scar Beta-testers away. The prospect of consuming recycled waste products and receiving deadly dosages of cosmic rays (or tranquilizers, should they begin a revolt) would not have been as enticing as form-fitting, gender-appropriate suits and strangely contemporary discotheques. The Citadel was thus designed to create a much more appealing archetype for stations than what are commonly referred to as "Nausea-inducing Death Traps."

  • It was deemed vital to include a lot of references to things that might not be as relevant hundreds of years down the line. In this case, we thought it would be brilliant to appeal to the mainly American and Western audiences by referring to an area in the European continent where an invasion took place which was glorious for many of their respective nations and their ancestors. The fact that the real Garbage Scows humans are allowed to pilot are often only given serial numbers was deemed to be too depressing by Ugelthort Fuque, an expert on human aesthetics. Thus the Normandy was born.

  • This was actually totally Bioware's idea. Cf. the HK droid and the Ithorians in KOTOR for similar ideas. If only the real species of the galaxy were as pleasant.

  • Our attempts to encourage xenophilic breeding resulted in the Asari, a species capable of mating with just about anything, including humans. We underestimated the human desire to mate with just about everything, though, resulting in increasingly strange hybridization pairings throughout the twelve sequels, ending in furniture, gaseous anomalies, and entire planets. Hubak writes in its audio play "Little Green Women" that human promiscuity is likely the direct cause of the tri-annual venereal plagues that sweep across Galactic space. Some may question human inclusion on the basis of their rampant and dynamic sexual appetites, but it is reasonable to suggest that such accusers shouldn't be allowed to say anything until they themselves have been checked for the Rum-Bum fungi.