Characters Who I Want to Teach My Little Brother About the World (And How to Rule It)

My little brother is 3 years old and is just starting to do more than just poop his pants and scream but already he has the potential to become someone great. If he can find the right teachers, he can learn all the tools necessary to become a world conquer. While Sesame Street is cool and all, but they lack the crazy world conquering plots and crazy shit videogame characters go through making them the ideal candidate in teaching my brother everything he will need to rule this planet.  I only wish there was some way to get these characters out of their respective titles and into my living my living room to teach some of the extraordinarily awesome things they do to him so he can eventually rule Earth (while I reap all the benefits that come along ofcourse). 

List items

  • Sub-Zero has seen more insides than a Civil War medic which is why he can teach my bro about all the wonders of the human body and how to destroy said human body. My little bro will be like a combination doctor/ninja who can repair your spine just as easily as he can rip it out. A useful talent for any supreme overlord.

  • But a great leader can't coast by on strength alone, they must also have a great mind. I can't teach my little brother about math and other important stuff since I am to busy writing about vidja game characters, but Mother Brain probably know all this stuff since she is a giant brain. What else does she got to do besides sit in her creepy wire fish bowl thing anyway?

  • You may be thinking I want him to teach my brother that you shouldn't rest on your laurels and let shit fall apart just because you are mayor (or in my brother's case Future Grand Nacho Supreme Chancellor) but really I just want him to show him how to put on that crazy belt suspender thing because that is a good look that is underused.

  • When it comes to rulers with complete control, few outmatch GLaDOS. While other leaders may be content with what they have, GLaDOS is constantly testing and researching to change the world ... with science! I want my brother to know that even though the earth is great now, he has the power to introduce something amazing like the Portal gun to the world. All he has to do is get over human emotions and not worry about killing millions of test subjects because it will benefit those that are still alive (or just make it benefit me... yeah that works out even better!) Also if GLaDOS can teach my brother how to come up with Orwellian style names for all devices in the world that would be great too.

  • Inevitably something will go wrong in my brother's empire. A rebellion will rise up, a plumber may get one of the princesses he captures, or people will remember what happiness is supposed to feel like. Bowser has more experience than anyone on dealing with the disappointment that comes along with having a plan fail or getting killed by a "hero". Bowser can teach my brother how to carry on after a setback with his rule and remind himself that you can always capture the princess again and you can get dropped into lava a billion times and will still live because your the goddamn king!

  • While on the subject of the Mario Universe, I think my bro should spend sometime to Luigi in order to understand what not to do. Like those speakers who come and tell you how bad drugs messed them up, Luigi will hopefully scare my brother into actually doing something with his life rather than lay around and play tennis and board games or whatever else Luigi does when Mario won't let him out of the cage.

  • When you combine all the qualities I have listed above with the cadence and diction Adam West will teach my brother, you can clearly see he will be the most badass world conquer that has ever lived. And like my idol Billy Carter I will be able to live the dream, while my brother deals with all the problems.


    *Everyone only includes myself and my brother