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Criterion have a big annoucement for e3, the stage lights dim, only a slight murmuring can be heard from the audience. Then just as people begin to wonder what's going on Bob Dylan's The Times They Are A-Changin is played over the speakers and Rob bursts on to the stage, the music goes off and Rob announces Criterion games are proud to announce it is making the new Riiiiiiiiiiidge Raaaaaaaacer game *hold for applause* yes Riiiiiiiiiiidge Raaaaaaaaaaaaacer.......why isn't anybody clapping?!
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Gamestation and Game are proud to announce 'Gamestation the game'. You play a shop keeper called Mike and your goal is to not get f*cked over by the corporate douchebags who will try and cut your hours and pay. To stay in the game you must sell as many unnecessary preorders for games as possible whilst selling just as many strategy guides for wii fit and wii play. Selling new games is frowned apon when you could sell a pre owned game instead. The final level boss includes an epic fight which is finished off by knocking over a magazine stand on the way out.....pre order the game now at your local Gamestation.
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During the nintendo conference Cammie tells a story that lasts for 45 minutes about how she was performing a sick 720 on a phat vert ramp with her snowboard but afterwards she sprained her wrist taking her boot off. Luckly Nintendo games require no skill what so ever so with one hand she beats Reggie at a game of Wii Party on stage. After the show is over Reggie body slams Cammie through a table for beating him on stage because NOBODY beats the Regginator.
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Games developers have been getting it wrong for too long now. People don't want to lose weight with Wii Fit and EA's Sports Active, they want to gain weight with Eric Cartmans new Weight Gain 4000 game. Weight Gain 4000 will give you a step by step regime on how to eat cheesy poofs, pot pies and it will tell you how to make a powdered donut pancake surprise. All of this can be done from the comfort of your couch and the game comes with it's very own balance board which is used to balance all the food you'll need for each 'workout' session on your lap. Detailed diagnostics will be displayed on screen showing you if you have all your food correctly balanced on the board. You'll soon be the envy of all your friends, beefcake BEEEEEEEEEEEFCAAAAAAAAAKE.
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My first true love will return. I brought the crappy sequel so i've paid for the development costs of the third. Make it happen, i miss all the cockney rhyming slang.
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Bungie went multiformat for one reason and on reason only, to make games for the gay community. After listening to literally hundreds of thousands of hours of kids and teenages call people gay-fags during games of halo, bungie realised how many closet gays their are who are frustrated that their isn't a game for them. That's when bungie annouces Galo, the game that isn't about who got the most kills, it's about who looked the most 'fabulous' whilst doing it.
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Konami buys everybody and from now on all games made will be called Pro Evolution. In a parallel universe somewhere this has already happened, i know, i wish i lived in that universe too.
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Finally the long awaited game of Saved By The Bell will get it's global release this christmas and it will be released the same day as the new call of duty...and it will out sell it. Players will play as Screech Powers and the aim of the game is to kill Zach Morris and A.C. Slater so you can have a hot 3 way with Kelly, Jessica and Lisa.
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The game will be revealed as finished and it will become the new national game of choice for Korea. Kicking ass and chewing bubble gum never tasted so good.
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