Braveheart with Gibsons. Something inside me is weeping. One moment I fall into the pitfall that is Guitar Hero's controller, next thing I know them fools are brewing what seems to be a RP-freakin'-G. This polite article by them dudes of CVG has them claiming we'll be taking on a Mario-meets-Brütal Legend game with guitars.
Right, I can see that these jarheads wanted a new twist as Rock Band literally took their blue ribbon at the "YAY :D" awards, pinned it to a cashcow's ass and repeatedly whacked it with baseball bats 'til cash blew out.
With this turn, however... I just wanna say the following;
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide... No escape from poor sequels... 9 Comments
The melodramatic twat who wrote that Splinter Cell: Conviction review returns. If the expression "has a chip on his shoulder" were written for me, the guy would've just put his palm on his face and said "Who am I fuckin' kiddin'...". Anyway, I moan alot. As proven by all my blog posts and the likes. And I needed a good reason to use Modern Warfare as a punching bag so hey - Why not, right? Oh... And seeing as I'm as bitter as the grumpiest ol' sonuvabitch; Don't expect sweet talk, son.
The Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 - Oh Dammit, We Need a Sequel
Yeah, shit. We made something we thought that was good, turns out it was platinum! I always felt like the modern takes on Call of Duty were like forcing a one-hit-wonder band to churn out another song on the basis; Make it bigger! It's more or less beating a horse with a stick, just to have it fall over dead after. It's something that just blew right up in their faces. I suppose to a certain extend we can call Call of Duty 4 "Stephen Hawking"; A physically limited but mental mastermind. It was a okay looking game that threw us a bone time after time with it's limited toyset. Like Counter Strike, achieving the most with the least.
Modern Warfare 2? It's as if someone carjacked Stephen Hawking's wheelchair and is now doing donuts on the NASA parkinglot while giggling like a schoolgirl, creating dirty lines with the speechbox. It looks fun it plays the same but no-one can look past it's critcal flaw; They killed it.
Lets be critical here, we're talkin' direct sequel. It's about different of a game, or as OXM(or some twisted magazine, I ain't Wiki-fuckin'-Pedia.) said it in the most delightful but oh-so-insanely-overreacted-way "a revolution" as the movies Saw III and Saw IV. Fuck, it's about as much of a sequel as Skate 2 and Skate 3. Although I call shenanigans if they were aiming for a serious, up-to-date, to-the-core, hard-rock, soft-porn, cheese-in-the-centre sequel.
Hell, I'll say it again. The feeling I got when I spun that little Mexican-crafted-disc(literally, printed Meccchhhiiicooooo!) was the following: I was playing HEAT, Soap suddenly turned into a balding dislocated Al Pachino and Michael Bay set off car explosions and screaming civilians around every street. Shit went down, Scottish accents went up and WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM - Washington D.C. got jacked all to hell. Oh and then there's this bit about some Makarov and how (Commander) Shepa(E)rd goes all dandy evil. Whoops, spoiler? :3
Did you lose track of yours truely right there? Good. Cause that's what the plot is. It's Swiss cheese with a side order of insane confusion. It's got more plot holes than a Ford engine block. It's about as serious and mature as a Tom Clancy novel on high-school bullies. It's a story that is dazed and confused like a 12 year old boy after his first porn flick at night. It's all over the place, it leaks, it's full of holes and you secretly wish someone could explain the shoddy plot between the waitress and the German who came to ficksen ze kabel.
They were really pushing the limits on what they could get away with... I'll bet someone had to chain Robert Bowling to a radiator halfway through development so he wouldn't promise Flash Gordon to occasionally come up and zap the shit out of a Ruskie.
Oh, and the "CONTROVERSIAL SCENE, DO YOU WANNA SKIP? YOU SURE? IT'S PERFECTLY FINE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. YOU OKAY WITH IT? REALLY? YOU VERY SURE? Ok." was about as emotional as watching a white wall. So we mercilessly killed about fourteenhundred Russian civilians who all were very sadfaced. Yes, truely emotional. It's not real, you absolute dipshit. The only controversy to it is that somewhere, some fuckwit is thinking "I could buy a military grade M240 light machine gun and plow down La Guardia Airportcause I'm so upset with everyone!" and ends up shooting an armored guard with a pellet rifle. Not to mention the golfclapping audience in court who eye down the lawyer defending this said moron.
So I just completely beat all the candy out of the Ford Utility Van-slash-piñata that is "Single Player".
Multiplayer? Oh lord. You see, it's infantry combat. And for the first ten hours, harriers, Predator Missiles, chopper gunners, AC130s, Stealth Bombers who are as stealthy as Margaret Thatcher is pretty and easy to listen to, Pave Lows and the oh so lovely game ending-regardless-of-score nuclear blast - Are a bundle of joy! The following 100 hours this crack-esque addictive game will be absolute torture due to 'em...
Only two are controllable, why yes. So we're not borderline Battlefield 2 on maps the size of a common New York City backyard - But there's another side to this coin that just simply refuses to fall flat... If getting a tactical nuclear strike is such an achievement, should I mention you only actively got the first seven kills yourself? Y'know, that unusually painful way of pointing your rifle at a bad lookin' mofo' and unloading a couple of stoppers in his fleshy body? The rest was all done by either the gigantic fortress that hovers the sky like a rabid dog runs up and down a chainfence trying to bite your arm off.
Besides, it's easy to hide from a helicopter with explosive rounds that practically parks in your face for convenience, right? Or the ass-clapper one-thirty that rains more hell on your parade than a malicious ex wife. Or that Predator missle that always seems to aim for you, making you wonder if your enemies are little Satans.
I'll stop moanin'. I clocked 23.000 kills, 'bout 7 days logged and I feel like as that one fella' elequently put; Like I should shove my timecard into the stamper, call it a day and ask myself repeatedly why I played it for so damn much and still end up having so much... negativity. I'll let you in on a secret, my brotha - Battlescars. I've been there for so long, I've gone Vietnam vet on it. 'Tis all bad.
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Yeah, score one for senseless cursing. Suck on it. You see, I'm about as active as a 95 year old heart-patient who's expected to run fifty laps a day. I'm borderline dead in terms of... 'blogging'. So hai-dee-ho I opened the valves of the "moan-a-lot" river and crank out some mini-reviews for the games I had to shovel down. No literally, shovel into a concrete ground. Did I lose your attention yet? No? Yes? GOOD!
24: Conviction
Oh sh--See wut I did thar? Yeah, while I'm a bit on the pro side of the "WHERES MAH STEALTH" pick-a-side-contest - There's this feeling as if the writers got fired 2 seconds into development and replaced by Prison Break writers and some visionaries of the 24 staff and turned the game into a downright Jack Bauer take on Splinter Cell with more conspiracy theories than Prison Break could ever wish for.
While there's this feeling of "Alright, he's out - We need him back in" to it - What the hell is Sam Fisher doing in the middle of goddamn nowhere? For a stealth-master who's got more badassery totalled than every Jason Bourne movie combined, he sure has one shitty pension plan.
Regardless of that, stealth is optional. Ya'hear that? Optional. You got a selection of 4 silenced weapons, 1 that proves useful in the end of the game and a bazillion others that you could use in the situation of "Awwhhh crap D:" - Which the game now motivates you to do. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the effectiveness of blasting every poor son of a bitch in a five mile radius with a Mossberg 500 to the face :).
By the end of the game your weapon set-up will include a FN Five-seveN and a difficult pick between the UMP45, MP5S, M468 or SPAS12. Why? Cause they're the only silenced weapons and for some reason only the 5-7 is capable of taking out four dudes at once. The rest all do three or less, go figure.
That brings me to the next... 'complaint'. While there's something oh-so-satisfying to taking out four guys with perfect headshots as they one-by-one go "WHAT THE...", it's not much of a tool for where things get hairy, as it's a tool for your leisure. The game throws you guards who verbally oppose the P.M.C. Be-Brave-And-Smart ideal who are already ridiciously easy to blast down - Who yell at the walls for 10 minutes(No shit either, I tried to get the 10-minute evade challenge and they were still yelling "COME ON FISHER!") because they faintly know you're there and who will forever circle a spot cause you were there...
... at some point.
What I ment before I drifted off is; It's too easy. The challenge of being a master of the dark is now a point-and-click pwn-a-entire-mercenary-company-in-under-five-minutes. The game is also rather short, and even then it's saving grace - The online. It's rather shoddy. While it's a nice concept and the whole co-op ordeal works fine and dandy; Face-Off has to be one of the most annoying game modes ever. Try to complete a match without the shitbag leaving, I dare ya'.
Seen nothing but complaining here? It's what I do. I moan for a living, I write about stuff as if it's the spawn of Satan and talk about as if it's a gift of God. We call that duality, dudes...
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Copy n' pasting a chatlog... I'm Echo X-Ray Niner, the guy with the nickname that is meaningless. And True Blue's, well, True Blue.
Echo X-Ray Niner: Sounds more like NIER to be honest :P True Blue: Yeah. That dude from Lost Odyssey and the Rugrats? True Blue: LET'S DO IT! Echo X-Ray Niner: I have a severe hatred for NIER nowadays. True Blue: The only good voice actor is that book dude. Echo X-Ray Niner: I read this OXM magazine in Denmark on the way home, it LOOKED like it had potential. Echo X-Ray Niner: Then I heard the barely dressed 16-year-old. Echo X-Ray Niner: And whatever bit of hope I had, which was dust to begin with... Echo X-Ray Niner: .... Poof. True Blue: I like the fact that she was a, uh, dick-women. I found that quite original, to be honest. Echo X-Ray Niner: There's just so much wrong with the character. Echo X-Ray Niner: Annoying. Echo X-Ray Niner: Underaged. Echo X-Ray Niner: Under... uh... dressed. True Blue: She should be 30 years old. Echo X-Ray Niner: And for fucks sake she can yap like a drunk fuckin' sailor. True Blue: I don't know why they have to use youngins. True Blue: Just... why? Echo X-Ray Niner: Asshole, shit, fuck, goddammit, and hell in ONE line. Echo X-Ray Niner: I suppose it's alright in a way. Echo X-Ray Niner: But there's this mix those Japanese dipshits keep using for some moronic reason. Echo X-Ray Niner: Underaged looks + Young-ass voice actor + Barely any clothes = Mindfuck. True Blue: #1. Young age. True Blue: #2. No clothes. True Blue: #3. Bad-ass. True Blue: #4. Cussing. True Blue: #5 ???? True Blue: #6. PROFIT! Echo X-Ray Niner: About as badass as a 12 year old yelling at you over Halo, to be frank. True Blue: Yes, it's bad-ass. But the ass is bland and flat. True Blue: Like a high school girl. Echo X-Ray Niner: As wooden as a fuckin' tree. True Blue: As flat as fucking Mississippi. Echo X-Ray Niner: Dry as the Arizona desert. True Blue: Cracked as a glaciar. Echo X-Ray Niner: About as laughable as watching a heart patient on a roller coaster. Echo X-Ray Niner: We aughta copy n' paste this for a flavor review tbh True Blue: As prideful as Stalin. Echo X-Ray Niner: About as likable as a Nazi. True Blue: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH Echo X-Ray Niner: Seriously, we gotta make a review outta this. True Blue: More hateful than a bunny. Echo X-Ray Niner: About as funny as a " heh, dead crowd..." joke at a funeral. True Blue: As much recoil as an AK without a barrel. Echo X-Ray Niner: And in the end... Echo X-Ray Niner: Her worth as a supporting cast member is about as joyful as a 17" rusty heroin needle rammed right up your A-R-S-E. True Blue: But honestly, who the fuck cares when yo have a fucking book that talks in a dead, british accent? Echo X-Ray Niner: I care. True Blue:"dewnt let yo gard downn.* Echo X-Ray Niner: Cause we cant use the book to royally bitchslap her repeatedly. True Blue: True. Echo X-Ray Niner: Wait, copy n' pasting this over to Giantbomb True Blue: I wouldn't mind her purpose if she wasn't young and had no clothing. True Blue: You do it. I all ready posted a chat box on my blog today. Echo X-Ray Niner: For every cuss word she drops I want to shoot a small child with a shotgun. Echo X-Ray Niner: To prove a point... or two. Echo X-Ray Niner: One, the bitch is 99 problems. Echo X-Ray Niner: Two, the 100th would be a crying small child... No longer a problem.
And man, did I go out whining like a little brat. Sounds about right, that's me afterall...
Anyway, lemme see. I've got about five months to catch up... Well, my achievements haven't gone unnoticed, considering every-damn-thing on my page is "BraindeadRacr unlocked X-achievements!". Whaddabout some half-assed dimwitted reviews to make up for the seemingly vaporized 'follower'-base that I have left?
1-800-CAKE, CALL OR DIE. CAKE OR DIE.
Fat Princess. All that is wrong with cute, done right. This is like Mario 64-gone-to-America. Instead of saving Peach, we take her on a roadtrip past every Denny's and Burger King, see how much junk we can cram down her yapper in order to make her too heavy to be stolen by Bowser and chuck her fat ass into jail. It's strangely complicated for a game which has about as much controls as Pong; Class system that's alike to your basic World of Warcraft ideals - Warrior is close offense, Ranger is mid-offense, Mage is mid-offense slash mid-support and Priest is mid-support and a wee-bit offense.
And there's this Worker class that's more or less a hybrid of 'em all which can build/scavenge/slow/etc, but they're more or less lemmings midway through the match.
The story to this game is like Oprah Winfrey's life flipped backwards... When looking at it after having about fifteen bottles of grain whiskey. The princess' found cake; Ate the cake; Got addicted to cake; Now everyone wants the princess'!
Oh, and it benefits greatly from a microphone... Which the game suffers greatly of, cause unlike the X360 where EVERY-GODDAMN-ONE has one of those things, damn near no-one has one for the PS3. I got one of 'em Bluetooth things and call me old fashioned, but I prefer the old bulky wired X360/ordinary headphone myself.
BORDERLANDS: MAD MOX... Whatever the hell her name was, bottom line it sucks -_-
Shit... screwed myself on that one, the title said it.
Why? Well, it's a meh reason, but compare it to the Zombie Island add-on. Same price, same ideal, same... What the hell; All in all, it's Gears' Horde mode on crack. It's crazy, it's wild, it's short, and it does not fit. Wasteland survival gone Big Brother. Wasteland survival gone Horde/Survival/Firefight/Spec-Ops/all those others. It's just a little bit of a cheap shot(irony) given that Zombie Island was worth the cash... And that this one is such a rip off.
After a long, long time of waiting, I finally saw the chance to get a cheap Playstation 3 with a couple o' games and what not... So I took it. And I'm pretty glad I did too cause finally I'm no longer bound to the "ITS A ____ EXCLUSIVE!" bullshit that melted people's brains into believing there were sides to be chosen. Feels good to own Metal Gear Solid 4 and Killzone 2, while also owning Halo 3 and Gears of War. All at the same time.
Cause they're all good games, but that's not the only reason why I'm so happy with having both consoles. The PS3 menu's are nice, slick and amazingly user friendly. But at the same time, it's by no means a contender to the Xbox Live Marketplace. With the PS3 I can access the internet and even watch video's on YouTube, whereas the Xbox allows me to rent and watch entire HD movies. Now that I own both I've got alot more choice, and alot more to do.
It's a great, great system. Abeit a bit bulky, but that problem seems to be fixed with the upcoming PS3 Slimline.
Either way, I'm alot more happier with having both right now. Turning on the PS3 to watch some copyrighted junk on YouTube, followed by playing some MGS4 which is to be fair a clunky B-movie with awesome gameplay, to which I then turn on the X360, have easy access to a friendslist and hit up GTAIV Party Mode with buddies.
Although, there is ONE thing I'm biased about. And thats the controller, while the PS3 Dualshock/SIXAXIS controller is lightweight and easy to manage, the X360 controller feels more natural and... there's something about having my thumbs hit eachother everytime I need to make a complicated move that gets on my nerves. I'll always prefer the X360 controller.
Anyway, my online ID... I think it's called a "PlayStation Network ID" is Lt McBadass. Go ahead if you wanna add me... If they got somesort of friend-system on it. 6 Comments
So we all figured we'd relive the old times of having a podcast no-one gave a damn for... We'd do it again. Instead, we ditched Macro( Mark) Antonio( Anthony) aka the Abs of Steel for one Dillon/Dylan who took the position as leader cause our delightful Bruce abandoned us for a trip down originality-fuck-all-lane-to-the-tattoo-shop...
Something inside me is weeping. One moment I fall into the pitfall that is Guitar Hero's controller, next thing I know them fools are brewing what seems to be a RP-freakin'-G. This polite article by them dudes of CVG has them claiming we'll be taking on a Mario-meets-Brütal Legend game with guitars. 
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