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3.8 stars 3.8 Stars Average score of 227 user reviews

Getting funky like a monkey 0

  I quickly found myself relating to Guybrush Threepwood’s voyage into the mysterious and deadly . I was also venturing to a strange and foreign land, that being the forsaken territory of the point and click adventure genre. I’ve always preferred the dry lands of the consoles over the PC’s treacherous waters and torrential system requirements. So this review for Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition may come off as a bit naïve, like I’m way out of my league by trying to review this mystical s...

3 out of 4 found this review helpful.

Part of a balanced breakfast 0

  Splosion Man is the kind of character that needs to appear on a cereal box. The character of “Splosion Man” is a hyperactive, flamboyant acid-freak with no attention span or a long-term memory that extends beyond 3 seconds; I found myself waiting for him to proclaim that he goes coo-coo for Coa Coa Puffs. I know I shouldn’t expect character depth in a downloaded Xbox Live game, but I was completely annoyed by how shallow Splosion Man is; he just divulges in nutty animations and “splodes” a lot...

3 out of 5 found this review helpful.

I've got a lot of living, to do before I die 0

  Is there really anything too self-serving about 50 Cent making an action game starring himself, in the role of himself? Is this any different than any given game designer fulfilling his own macho fantasies through the likes of their bodybuilder protagonist? Marcus Fenix, Kratos, Master Chief and especially Riddick, these are all some scrawny programmer or programmers’ living vicariously through their main character single-handedly gunning down armies of aliens with their phallic weapons of cho...

0 out of 0 found this review helpful.

Detroit Rock City 0

I now know why Metal Gear Solid was considered an Earth-shattering breakthrough in gaming. It wasn’t because of some kind of original “tactical espionage action” gameplay mechanic, or that it had incredibly lengthy cutscenes or enough recorded speech to intimidate presidents. It certainly wasn’t the exclamation marks that appeared on top of the guards’ heads when they spotted something moving within their 5-feet-wide cone of vision. No, Metal Gear Solid was legendary because it was the first maj...

0 out of 1 found this review helpful.

Cherub Rock 0

Do ‘ya wanna know what I hate the most about Mega Man 7? The opening cutscene. Not the one that precedes the title screen. Mind you, that series of flat-coloured still images is very uninspiring, and the revelation of four hidden robots designed in the event of Dr Wily’s capture is about as basic a plot as a Mega Man game can get (and should get…) but that Title Screen cutscene has one very, very, very important advantage that I appreciate ever so much; I can press the Start button at any time a...

2 out of 2 found this review helpful.

Between a Rock and a hard place 0

And presenting the sixth and FINAL Mega Man game on the NES, or at least if we’re going with the impression that 9 is the wannabe NES game that walks around with Goomba shirts listening to 80s one-hit wonders on his IPod, wishing he was born in the 80s. Capcom had this wretched mentality with sequels back in the day of “keep making them until the general public sees your little trick and moves on to something kind of fresh. And then keep making sequels anyways.” Mega Man has been made to bend ov...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

Rock of Love 0

Remember the movie Wild Things? It featured Denise Richards and Neve Campbell back when they were young, chic and interesting enough to be considered sex symbols, playing the role of two crazy whores who swim in pools and sleep with guys, themselves and other objects a lot. While I’m sure that’s not what the movie was about, it’s what people remember the most and therefore the film was something of a success at the box office. What you may not know is that there exists sequels to Wild Things. Yo...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

We will Rock You 0

When you’ve got a story that’s in need of an evil villain, its good (and a bit racist) to know that you can always turn to the Russians. Whether it’s evil athletes, evil soldiers, evil terrorists or just evil women in leather, it seems like the former is the epicenter for all that is antagonistic. Or at least as long as the film was not made in . Forget about Ronald Reagan, it was Rocky Balboa that won the Cold War for when he fended off the threat of the mountainous Ivan Drago. While the Sovi...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

For those about to Rock (we salute you) 0

A diving slide is when a human being, running with full force, lowers his upper body to the floor and allows the built-up momentum to drag his or her form across the floor, feet first. For decades, great people have been risking high wedgies and ounces of detergent, sliding across pants-ruining terrain in the name of survival and scoring runs. The slide is a viable technique for stealing bases in baseball, narrowly diving under the giant closing trap door in the cursed Mayan temple you may be ex...

0 out of 1 found this review helpful.

Overwhelming might 4

Guilty Gear X was a wonderful anomaly. It’s an unlikely combination of hundreds of 80s metal references that went over the heads of 95% of its audience with an oversexed anime style that would make Goku feel uncomfortable. The scantily-clad, blue haired, exposed abdomen male model with a pool cue as a weapon would zip across the screen like a gnat, throwing pool balls of death to the scythe-sporting, cross-dressed Marilyn Manson character as he retaliated with blood explosion attacks. All the wh...

6 out of 7 found this review helpful.

I wanna Rock n roll all night (and party everyday) 2

So there’s a long-standing debate amongst fanboys that care too much (like me) over which of Mega Man game stands at the top of the class of identical Mega Man games. The two forerunners include 1989’s Mega Man 2 and 1990’s Mega Man 3; two games from two entirely different decades; one representing the Reagan era, one representing Bush Sr’s tyranny. Now, there’s not much of a point in glorifying this battle of games that reuse the same danged Mega Man sprite (9’s the best one anyways) so lets ta...

0 out of 2 found this review helpful.

Gangsta 'round the world. (100th review!) 0

I dislike Saint’s Row. I also dislike Saint’s Row 2. And generally speaking, I dislike every “gangster” game I’ve played so far that wasn’t Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. No matter how hard any of them try to be “satirical” or “crass” or “offensive”, I can never shake the feeling that this supposed tale of life on the ghetto was designed by a group of Silicon Valley dweebs who based their vision of the hood from clips of a Ma$e video. Thus, I’ve found that they can never be anymore humourous, be...

6 out of 6 found this review helpful.

How two men defeated all of America. 0

I feel as though I can count the number of Western-themed games with the fingers on my hand. And that I can count the number of noteworthy Western games made over the years with my genitals. While I’m glad that this shooter sub-genre doesn’t get as overpopulated as  the country of muscular space marines, it’d also be nice to get one truly great Western shooter that doesn’t feel like it’s merely hiding behind its theme to justify its impotency when being measured against the genetically stacked M...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? 1

So I’m undertaking the questionable but personal challenge of writing the lengthiest, most elaborate reviews possible for the entire Mega Man ennealogy. An “ennealogy” refers to a series of nine, according to random strangers on Yahoo Answers. My motivations for bothering with such a primitive series that makes so few changes from installment to installment? Because each game is short enough to beat in a few hours tops. Because I’m somewhat of a Mega Man fanboy. Because it pads out my review num...

3 out of 3 found this review helpful.

Where nothing (and everything) is what it seems 0

Assassin’s Creed is a third-person, Third Crusades-inspired, conspiracy-laden, sandbox-styled, stealth-oriented, action-filled, anti-religious, virtual reality simulating, preachy adventure game. As far as I can tell, Assassin’s Creed is the first third-person, Third Crusades-inspired, conspiracy-laden, sandbox-styled, stealth-oriented, action-filled, anti-religious, virtual reality simulating, preachy adventure game ever made, so I’ll give the game credit for that. We don’t get too many games w...

4 out of 5 found this review helpful.

Scrotum. 0

Big summer blockbuster films have been on a tear this year. And by “on a tear”, I mean “tearing apart my sanity through sheer incompetence.” And in a surprise reversal of fortune, the normally terrible video game adaptations of big movies have wound up being surprisingly good, or at least better than their silver screen inspiration. The three hours of compressed fan service-misfired that was the Watchmen movie birthed a three hour simple but entertaining downloadable beat-em-up called The End Is...

0 out of 1 found this review helpful.

The unlikely savior 15

Imagine a vocal Communist living in America. He burns flags, speaks the virtues of a Marxist economy and preaches on his porch with megaphone in mouth extolling the evils of President Obama. Yet he refuses to heed his neighbours coarse advice of “love it, or leave it!” because he’s gotten too used to this whole “freedom of speech” business that Americans are granted. That’s my relationship with the Wii in a nutshell. The much ballyhooed motion controllers turned out to be considerably flimsy and...

13 out of 19 found this review helpful.

The Legend of Slimer: The Proton Pack of Time. 0

Whether its Tony Montana not dying in his mansion and thus given the chance for revenge over the comeuppance he never got, or Don Corleone asking a nameless grunt to engage in blockbuster-style gun shootouts with rival gangs, there’s something undisputedly unholy about video games based on old movies. The original filmmakers always seem to scold the damage done to their “art”, the original actors put no effort whatsoever in their voicework, fans seem to be hesitant to spend the money, the game ...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

Bullet in the head 0

So there’s a discernable and almost concerning difference in mentality between and the games industry regarding violence. Within the film world, big budget films need be toned down lest they earn the dreaded R rating and restrain kids from seeing the movie and buying the action figures. As a result, we have the goreless Terminator, as well as an action movie where the main protagonist and antagonist are murderers with claws and yet not a single drop of blood is allowed to let. And then there’s...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

A poem 1

Wii Sports, Wii Sports, you rue my lifeHow you have plagued these days with smiteInto the abyss I should throwThis damn broken motion controls When I bring the Wii to partiesOther games I bring just get teasedNo More Heroes gets sold shortAnd Monkey Ball passed for Wii Sports Wii Sports, Wii Sports, makes parties lameWhen we take turns on the bowling gameThese fake gutterballs make no senseWhen a real alley has a liquor license With a tennis game that’s shallowAmusement sinks to a new lowFor bas...

3 out of 5 found this review helpful.

The bargain bin kids 0

One of my psychological pet peeves in all of gaming is a gimmicked title. Few things repel my wallet from a game store like seeing a game with a title that plays with improper punctuation (Punch-out!!!), numbers in place of letters (Left 4 Dead), or deranged capitalization (inFAMOUS.) So in spite of appearing to be the kind of clever, original game concept that would need all the financial support one could lend it against the oppressing brigade of space marine shooters and plastic instrument mu...

2 out of 2 found this review helpful.

Why not? 1

Why not? You know you’ve written too many reviews in your lifetime when you lie in bed at night and the words for a review for a random game begin to materialize in your head. The problem with this scenario is that once the flow of text starts to leak into your consciousness, then your night of sleep is lost, and the cogs in your brain spiral with one line after another, despite the knowledge that going to sleep would be the wiser move for your real life. So this is the result of one night’s ins...

3 out of 4 found this review helpful.

The racism returns 1

If the numerous smug little kids walking around today’s streets with frizzed-out afro hair and gray shirts with NES controller artwork or Super Mario Bros 1 sprites are to be believed, then retro is hip. Flannel seems to be making a comeback and every other rapper on the radio is searching for the next big smash hit by remixing 80s songs with Auto-Tune torture. I feel as though Nintendo shouldn’t be encouraged to cash in on this fad with more video games based on old NES games on account that NE...

3 out of 4 found this review helpful.

Not quite beyond good and evil 2

Certain comic book storylines have been around long enough that few people bother to question their logic…provided they remain within their original fiction holding cell. People won’t question the science that allows a radioactive spider bite to grant one superpowers, let alone what exactly constitutes a “radioactive spider.” Most of us read these ludicrous but imaginative comics as kids, and the stories that have been around long enough that people are less eager in questioning the logic behind...

4 out of 6 found this review helpful.

More Rock'em, Sock'em Racism 0

Super Punch-out(!!) stars MAC, whom might be, or be related to, Little Mac from the previous game. One can’t be so completely sure, what with this MAC having a muscular frame and a goofy haircut that would have done the New Kids on the Block proud. He also lacks esteemed manager Doc Louis in his corner, due to either a dispute over MAC’s use of growth hormone or Mac’s refusal to join the Nintendo Fun Club. I can also theorize that this more facially effeminate MAC could have since founded a make...

0 out of 0 found this review helpful.

Because Dana White is a great man... 2

If there is but one employer in the entire world that I admire but would never want to work for, it’s Dana White. Here is a real man’s boss. He praises the hard work of people who brutalize each other for a living, yet has the common sense to *try* to retire Chuck Liddell while his head is still superimposed on his shoulders. Likewise, to be an enemy of Dana White is to be verbally dismembered. The man is a vanguard of vulgarity who strikes fear into the hearts of any man that complains about a ...

5 out of 6 found this review helpful.

The second amendment in space. 0

In a virtual plane, there exists three dimensions, referred to in a mathematical equation as X, Y and Z. As of late, young gamers have shown an eagerness to shun the letter Z. Platformers that cling to just X and Y have been enjoying something of a renaissance thanks to handhelds, downloadable remakes of old sidescrollers, and whatever the hell LittleBigPlanet is supposed to be. But on the other hand, the 3D platformer has become hard to find on their console natural habitatat. Sony has jacked J...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

God of Whore (Or games and dating) 0

There’s a consistently growing insecurity about the length of games. If one high profile website too many labels a game too short, then the hardcore gaming public becomes worrisome of investing $70 into a game they could likely finish that very day. (Knowing full well that the woman in your life wishes you’d spend that money and day giving her attention.) As a result, players who booted up Devil May Cry 4 developed a familiarity with all of the in-game locales as they were forced to backtrack, a...

3 out of 3 found this review helpful.

Keeping up with the Diesels 0

Vin Diesel is in the midst of the safest comeback attempt I’ve seen in a long time, in that it appears that he’s revisiting every property he’s ever seen any success in. First he reprised his role in the latest Fast and the Furious movie, alongside most of the original cast in a movie that was all too identical to all movies Fast and Furious before it. And now we revisit the Riddick character in his only multimedia release that ever garnered any form of acclaim; the video game The Chronicles of ...

0 out of 0 found this review helpful.

Swallowing down bile with a slice of humble pie 0

The Wind Waker is a game that has been subject to a modicum of controversy. To my recollection, it could very well be the most controversial kid-friendly, cartoon-styled piece of family entertainment to not feature cropped-in naked girls or questionable wording. (Go on Youtube and look up “Disney sex” to skewer your perception of The Lion King). Part of this is the cause of Zelda fans and haters, arguing the merits of cartoonish graphics versus adult Link swim graphics. Tedious sailing across al...

3 out of 3 found this review helpful.

Boo's Cheerleader Change Room Adventure 0

A lesson that all gamers must come to grips with is the idea that not every game is accessible or interesting to non-gamers. While many college boys in dorms filled with Xboxes and Halo players who smoke substances that match the Chief’s green armor, the rest of us have to contend with girlfriends, cousins, younger siblings and jock classmates whom have a hard time grasping that one analog stick moves and the other looks. And I didn’t even have much in the way of console shooters in my heyday; i...

1 out of 1 found this review helpful.

Frog suits and anecdotes. A not-too-professional review. 0

So here we have a game that the Guinness Book of World Records proudly proclaims to be the best selling game of all time. When I went to the Guinness museum in , they had a nice little display with a Game Boy Advance set up for anyone that wanted to play Mario 3 for themselves. And while I was eager to sit down and play through the entire game in that one sitting like the platforming geek that I am, this was New Year’s Eve and we were quickly running out of year. So I had to be on my merry way a...

4 out of 4 found this review helpful.

Space Lord mother... 1

I’m not exactly the kind of person who jumps for joy every time another sequel is announced to a gaming landscape that is peppered with sequels. (Some game sequels even have their own sequels; look at Call of Duty or the Tom Clancy games.) Yet, my brain will all but completely block out the existence of a new franchise, regardless of what, if any new ideas it may bring to the buffet table that is the holiday season. Mass Effect went unnoticed by me for a good seventeen months, and I only found m...

2 out of 2 found this review helpful.

There is a button that reads "More Mutants." 0

While scientists theorize as to why the dinosaur went extinct, nobody will ask any questions as to why the light-gun shooter is on the endangered species list of genres. Nor will PETA or the WWF have any remote interest into saving the breed of zombie/terrorist shooting simulators. The arcade, their natural habitat, was deforested by the loggers of Time. Their unwillingness to adapt to modern standards made the public bored in their cause, and left them to be devoured by their evolutionary super...

2 out of 2 found this review helpful.

The Zahorian trial and you. 0

In the early 90s, the then-WWF was caught amidst a major drug scandal, wherein Vince Mcmahon was accused of giving his performers anabolic steroids. The federal government managed to crash down on one Dr. Zahorian for his prescribing drugs to assorted wrestlers and put him in jail. However, some legal mistakes on the government’s behalf and a claim from Hulk Hogan that he enhanced himself on his own volition allowed Vince Mcmahon to walk away from court a free man. A free man with a company rava...

0 out of 0 found this review helpful.

Pig's head 1

While it’s easy to go back and review an old game that you never played or cared much for in the past, reviewing an old game that you grew up on presents a small challenge. My play experience differs from that of other due to having the innate knowledge of how to solve every single puzzle programmed into my cerebellum, and I’d be degrading a part of my childhood if I were to denigrate the game in question. Likewise, if I praise the game too much, then I could be accused of being nostalgic, and I...

3 out of 3 found this review helpful.

Night of the Living Dead-but-not-quite 0

Resident Evil is an example of a franchise that could’ve only succeeded as a video game. What other film or television series has gotten away with combining the depth of storytelling equal to a Power Rangers episode with the gratuitous violence of a horror film? Such a concept would nary succeed in movie theatres where film ratings are enforced, but the ESRB ratings didn’t quite carry the same weight in a video game store back in the day. Not that they carry much more weight nowadays but still. ...

0 out of 0 found this review helpful.

The city of Warsville. 0

The 18-35 male is a valuable commodity. They have the kind of money that allows them to afford $500 consoles, and thus makes them the hot target for developers. They work part time jobs at your local supermarket and are usually in some form of debt in spite of their spending habits. In their free time, they enjoy multiple energy drinks, weed to ease the energy drink buzz, and UFC because there are fewer highs more sweet than a good ground and pound. And their hero? The soldier. The partially unk...

4 out of 4 found this review helpful.

This is my essay on the Nintendo DS and Chinatown Wars. 0

So this is my essay. It’s titled “Why I hate the Nintendo DS sometimes”, by me. The thesis to this essay will be “games like Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars makes me hate the Nintendo DS sometimes.” Hopefully handing in this instead of an essay on Macbeth’s greed will still net me a passing grade from my English teacher. I’m fully aware that there’s no way to write an essay titled “Why I hate the Nintendo DS sometimes” as your review for a Nintendo DS game without being labeled some kind of fa...

4 out of 5 found this review helpful.

The Worst-named game of 2008 0

What’s in a name? Well many dollars out of the marketing budget for one. I’ve been refusing to give this game a fair shake for the better part of five months by in large for having such a bad name. “Left for Dead” struck me as the title of what would be an uninspired bargain bin shooter, and then to see it referred to as “Left 4 Dead” added an extra layer of tackiness. So I deemed Left 4 Dead the worst-titled game of ’08, worse than “de Blob” and chalked up my refusal to buy it for this long on ...

1 out of 4 found this review helpful.