Castiel's forum posts

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#1 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

I only buy 2-3 games per year and cry myself to sleep over all the other games I don't get to play. But that's just my method. You can take it or leave it. I don't care. Whatevs!

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#2 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

@liquiddragon: But I'm talking bout the ppl dat efds all day(z) long, baby! I'm talking som Khalifa tears running down my face FF7 ending bro shit!

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#3 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

This game is going to be a big wet fart is it not?

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#4 Edited by Castiel (3466 posts) -

@y2ken: Thanks for the answer. Also thank you for not being slightly dickish with your reply unlike certain others.

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#5 Edited by Castiel (3466 posts) -

So maybe I'm going loco but I'm pretty sure I saw Drew Scanlon himself, aka. the meme king, do a stream on Giant bomb last night. Now I can't find it anywhere :(

Will this be uploaded to the site or is there somewhere else I can find it?

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#6 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

Stupid that they didn't include controllers with analogue sticks. I wonder what their reason is? Is it supposed to be more nostalgic? If so I think that's a dumb decision. After all the DualShock was introduced during the OG Playstation's lifespan and a lot of games supported it.

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#7 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

@wollywoo said:

@castiel I am trying the opposite, of returning to a place where I know a lot of people and I don't have to start from nothing.

That also sounds really nice. To be completely honest. If I had close friends I don't think I would feel the need to move away. But I just feel lonely and restless here. So I need to make a drastic change in my life otherwise it's never going to get better. And no one else is going to do it for me. I have to go out there myself and get the life I want. And yes it can be scary and even lonely sometimes, but I don't see how I have an alternative.

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#8 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

AC3 was never as bad as people made it out to be. People just like to jump on the band wagon and feel like they are part of something.

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#9 Posted by Castiel (3466 posts) -

Getting off of social media.

That sounds so enticing. If it wasn't because I have one friend, who I still care much for even though I sadly doubt we will meet in person again, who lives abroad and the primary way we talk is over social media I too would seriously consider getting off it.

When I'm done with my current job there is a few things/people I know I don't want to follow anymore. I just did it to be polite but I seriously want to cut down on unnecessary distractions.

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#10 Edited by Castiel (3466 posts) -
@wollywoo said:

That is interesting. I would never think of doing this as I am rather self-conscious about being alone. For me it doesn't seem possible to meet anybody unless I already have some acquaintance in common. Do you just go to bars and chat up strangers there? Or people you stay with in a hostel/airbnb type situation? Why is it easier to meet people abroad that at home? I feel like it would have the opposite effect for me, and I would end up wandering around going to museums and things by myself and then collapsing in a hotel without finding anybody to say a word to. But maybe I am wrong.

Late response but it's better than nothing.

It's difficult for me to give a short answer to some of these questions. Everything that has led me to the decision of moving to another country for a while and who I am as a person, for good and bad, is something that has been building up for years.

It's a long story and I will try to keep it short, brief and relevant as to why I found it easier to connect with people abroad than I do in my own home country.

I will say this. I was bullied badly when I was 14 and 15 years old. It quite frankly messed me up and I still struggle with the scars as an adult to this day. I was always a very quiet kid but after some time I would warm up to people and become more talkative and energetic. So I never lacked any friends, or a childhood for that matter, in my early years. I had a good childhood but it stopped when I reached 14 years of age. The School I went to had financial issues and as a result they started to shut down on the number of grades they offered. Original it went to 12th grade, then 10th and by the time I got to 8th grade that was the eldest grade they had. I was obviously not done going to school, so I started at a new school.

The new school I went to was trying something new that year. They started up an entirely new 8th grade where everyone in that class was new. Initially I was relieved about this fact. I was a shy kid so being the only new kid in a class was a terrifying thought to me. It did mean that I would have to take 8th grade over but that was a small price to pay for not being the "one new kid" in class. What followed was two of the worst years in my life. I'm not going to go into detail I will just say that I'm not a dramatic person. I'm pretty down to earth. But I think that I went to class with a psycopath, or at least a sociopath, and I was his test subject. He had fun poking at me and seeing if he could break me down. It was a game for him and for me it was a living nightmare. I lost trust in people and I lost confidence in myself.

So the years after that was not easy. I kept everything inside and I started to believe that maybe I wasn't worth being loved. Maybe I didn't deserve to be happy? Maybe I didn't deserve to loved? Maybe I was mistake? Why was I ever born? Why was I ever created? I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost. I feel so lonely.

I never actively tried suicide but thoughts of me wanting to disappear from the world or how I potentially would kill myself if it ever came to it was something that from time to time came into my mind.

These where the issues I struggled with as a teenager and even in some of my adult years. I am not happy to admit this but it is how it really was.

I meet a few good people along the way. Kind souls that seemed to like and accept me for who I am. It was like they could sense that I was something more beneath the surface than what could be seen on the outside. But they were few and far between. After all is difficult to be loved by others if you don't love yourself.

Now I'm older. I have decided I want to live my life. What I'm going to be doing for the next year or two is not about carrier or education. It's about me just living life for a bit. Maybe I'm making up for the times I lost, or maybe I should say the years that got robbed from me, in my teens and early to mid twenties.

While I do have a few friends today I have found it difficult to break out of the perception people have of me. A perception that is not the true me. I love to have fun, I love travel, watch movies and now I just want to meet new people and go out in the world. I feel like I'm stuck as long as I stay.

When I travelled to Berlin I saw it like this. I have nothing to lose. Nobody knows me here. This is a fresh start. This is a challenge to myself. This is one week in Berlin where I can just be the "old" happy me I used to be before all the shit happened. I meet people that had no prior knowledge of me or my life. I could just try and be the new and improved me for a while without any of the baggage that had be pulling me down at home. I felt free. I met so many nice and awesome people from different countries. For me it seems like people are much more openminded and welcoming when they meet other people from different countries and cultures.

I had known for a while before Berlin that I might move to a different country for a while, maybe I will stay, but after Berlin I knew for sure. I belong abroad for the next year or two. I haven't felt like I belonged in my own home country for a while.

I think that is the best answer I can give you.

Also I clearly failed at keeping it short.