By Daavpuke 2 Comments
Hi, there. Where have I been? Long story short: Life bad. In fact, it's so bad that it's best to not dwell on details. So, yeah, there probably won't be any wiki editing happening any time soon. Instead, I can tell you that, in the meantime, I've cataloged my console game collection, which spans over 800 games. A last minute addition of about 30 games came from taking over someone's old PlayStation 3 (PS3) collection, to play The Last of Us. It turns out that The Last of Us is a bad video game. Now I don't feel so bad about not being able to play the sequel.
Playing bad video games sent me on a wild journey that now has my living space filled with stacks of ridiculous crap, like the PlayStation 2 (PS2) ports of WWE All Stars, Disney Pixar's Up and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I completed a Gameboy Advance game for both Cinderella and Barbie, cleaned out my PS2 and gave up on repairing the nightmare that is a Game Gear. Forgive me, I'm rambling. While going through the history of terrible video games, I recently watched Jeff play some Work Time Fun, also known as WTF. In a perfect storm of weird nonsense, I thought I could do much worse than that fever dream and promptly bought a copy of Kazook.
Kazook is, much like WTF, a PSP mini-game collection that gradually opens up as it is played. Equally, there is also a crude, wacky theme in the game. You'd expect no less from the developer who brought us 7 Sins, one of those games that tried to bank off the success of The Sims, by making it more naughty. Considering that game and Playboy: The Mansion have since been forgotten, it's not that hard to assess the quality of that pedigree.
There isn't as much subtlety or even variety in Kazook. Achieving a high score in a mini-game nets a bunch of cash that can be used in the game's shop. Unlike WTF, the only things that can be bought are more games and more skins for dudes with soul patches, as well as women with other prominent visuals. Doing so requires the patience of a mad man, as mini-games aren't balanced and can take dozens of minutes to get anywhere at all. It's sort of like Jeff's WTF chicken sorting, but more laborious, particularly as several of these repetitive games require continuous button mashing. It will hurt to unlock stuff and not just because many of the games are bad versions of Pong or any variation of a shooting gallery, with the same four character models.
Eventually, I managed to get every game in the shop. It was the first time since my childhood that I looked up cheats, because I don't think it's humanly possible to do so legitimately. Unlocking every mini-game is required to access the Party Superstar mode. In this mode, the only crafted experience that isn't a singular event, the player is tasked with saving the world by playing every mini-game. Now, here's the kicker: While Kazook will throw up a prompt to save after literally every action, progress does not save in Party Superstar. To complete this mode that takes an eternity to acquire, you'll need to play an uninterrupted session of unbalanced, mashy nonsense for several hours. Let me reiterate: The mini-games are bad to begin with, so the extended playtime will wear down one's very soul.
Still, because 2020 is a hell year with no redeemable qualities, I sat through every game. Anything else other than reality will do, these days. I shot every jock that hid behind a cheerleader, while making fart sounds. I bleeped every rapper that said a bad word. I threw baseballs at the nuts of every dude who called me a "son of a bee," because the game is rated PEGI 12. It took over two hours to do so and it doesn't seem like the game actually cared how well I did at some events that are just impossible, unless you're D.A.R.Y.L. The reward for completing Party Superstar is, pretty much, the act of going through it and nothing more. Surviving Kazook is the prize.
How am I doing? I 100% completed Kazook, willingly. How is your 2020 going?
It's not all bad, though. I finally bought and beat the PS3 version of Civilization Revolution, a highly underrated entry in the franchise. I also played the fascinating PS3 port of Shadow of Mordor. Finally, I experienced Short Peace: Ranko Tsukigime's Longest Day and thus have a rare addition to one of my favorite projects ever. That's going to have to be a story for better days. Sometimes, video games are still really cool. I hope y'all are playing cool video games out there. Peace out.