Top 10 characters Nintendo should add to Mario Kart 8 DX instead of Gold Mario

With the upcoming Nintendo Switch version of Mario Kart 8, we are seeing a brand new chance for Nintendo to add exciting new characters from their vast portfolio. With DLC characters for the core game in the form of Link from the Legend of Zelda and Isabelle from Animal Crossing as well as stages from F-Zero, Nintendo has finally cracked the seal on Mario Kart's universe and blown it into a love-letter to the entire storied Nintendo franchise, much like the popular "Smashed Brothers".

So what new characters can we look forward to seeing in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe?

Motherfucking Gold Mario
Motherfucking Gold Mario

Sure, MK8DX will also add Inkling Girl from Splatoon as well as non-canon-and-probably-some-kind-of-bootleg-character-that-nobody-will-ever-pick "Inkling Boy", but another Mario? Are you serious Nintendo? I thought "Mario Kart 8" meant that it was the 8th game and not an indication of how many Marios are in it.

It's easy to just go "Well, just add Star Fox and F-Zero characters", but if Nintendo just added the obvious characters, wouldn't that be a little bit boring?

I think it's time Nintendo dug deeper into their catalogue and brought back some of their best classic characters, so like Charles Martinet, the voice actor of Paarthurnax once said: "Here-a we go!"

List items

  • The primary reason why Gold Mario is such a cop-out is that it's lazy. It's just another skin for regular old Mario, with no new original modelling done at all. If you wanna do a new Mario, at least do a Mario wearing the iconic sweater from the classic Nintendo title of which he is known: Super Mario no Sweater for the Famicom Disk System.

  • Ashley would be a perfect fit for Mario Kart. Not only is she a great character, her magic flying broom would also make a great new vehicle in the game.

  • The protagonist from Shin Onigashima hasn't been seen much since his debut on the classic adventure game series. I think he is ready to race!

  • Donkey Kong appears in every Mario Kart game, but where would he be without his arch-nemesis Stanley the Bugman? Bring Stanley back! Not only to add an interesting character to the roster, but to push Donkey Kong to play harder and better.

  • By now we've only really added characters that would fall into the "medium" or "light" weight category of Mario Kart and what we need is a real big hunk of a beefcake. Something big. Since everything is bigger in Texas, this iconic villain from Nintendo Arm Wrestling would be a perfect fit. He kart could be a massive flexed arm. It would be great!

  • Why doesn't Team Rocket have a kart? Their name evokes speed. Jessie, James and Meowth should all be crammed together in their own kart and use their boundless determination and confidence to win the race!

    ...and I know what you are gonna do if you decide to add Pokemon characters to Mario Kart, Nintendo. You're gonna add fucking Pikachu, aren't you Nintendo? Pikachu AGAIN?!! Fuck you!

  • By far the biggest Nintendo Character I feel like I've heard of, this die-hard Nintendo fan has such an unwavering loyalty toward the Nintendo brand that it's amazing that he hasn't willed himself into a Nintendo game by now. Considering his job, the choice of kart is pretty obvious: That's right, a giant hollow David Letterman head on wheels! A perfect fit for an employee of CBS - America's most watched network!

  • Ball is life

  • Despite dragging on every known variation of Mario for the Mario Kart 8 roster, it's unfathomable why they haven't even thought to take Paper Mario. Like, just make the character a sprite with a 3D hitbox, like what they would do in the original Doom or Wolfenstein or Super Noahs Ark 3D. If you are gonna do it, Nintendo, you might as well go all the way and pick a cooler looking Paper Mario character than boring old Mario. Francis is your man! Biggest nerd alive for the biggest Kart racing game alive!

  • Before you change your mind from Gold Mario and think you can get away with Gold Peach, Nintendo, consider some of your OTHER Nintendo ladies like Lip from Panel de Pon. With her guest appearances in Captain Rainbow and Animal Crossing: New Leaf, I know you haven't forgotten about her.