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Fuck Summer.

This horrible furnace is an invitation to spend these months glued to the consoles playing videogames.
I'm interested in finishing some Resident Evil games and perhaps some Zeldas and Marios.

I may read too, and browse the many forums on which I lay my idiocy in text format.

Saving up for something too, hopefully a camcorder. If the constellations are cooperative, maybe even make a short movie.

All is going well to make my family worry much about my apparent asexuality and degrading social skills as well as whitening skin.


Deleted Chapter From A Hero's Journey

Dear Whoever Finds My Carcass

After decades of afflicting muteness, I have decided to speak for the first and last time.
One cannot tell from my youthful looks that I have trespassed various generations in this kingdom but the fact is, I am older than many wise men, and my suffering greatly surpasses their experience and age.

I started out as a simple poor village boy, even though my friends all had the new fairy toys it wasn't until the craze was over that I got my own, and it was a defective one. On top of that I was picked from the line of village children to enlist the battle against evil and travel the unknown world beyond the village inside the forest. It was an adventure, I got stronger, met many people in my way including the princess of this declining reign and mutated spider people, and saved various species of this vast land and saw a piece of jewlery that was sought after by many: three golden triangles glued together. When I touched it, I entered a vortex and entered another dimension where I met dead people. Dead people. I stayed with them for seven years, away from everything, enthralled in this aeonic agony. When I left it, I was an early adult, robbed from my potentially fruitful adolescence and still a virgin.

All this wasn't enough, as the Goddesses themselves wished me to witness the wreckage of a once peaceful civilization, a mass of despoiled edifices tendered by the  haunting shrieks of the still moving corpses that hungered for warm flesh beneath the glare of burning skies. Almost every person I knew was dead or exiled and once again I was due to enter forbidden temples to salvage emblems to awake the dead people I slumbered with in those seven years of ethereal horror. They would help me defeat the maleficient mastermind behind all this: a red-haired latino thief.

Many hearts, pain and scars later, I trapped the evil king inside the dimension I wasted my youth in. The princess I met in my childhood, who had grown up to be quite a sensual woman, gave me back my life and sent me back in the saved past, where I remained and died thereafter. I thought my nightmare was over, it had just begun.

The next memory I have after the calming blackness of iminent death is waking up again and being in another village, ages later. Fashion had changed little, I still dressed in green and to my suprise, the kingdom I lived within was on the edge of annihilation once more and I was set to destroy its threat armed with my sword and renewed body. After freeing the people I loved from evil once again, I lived in peace until my death. However, I was called back from the dead and from then on I became trapped in this succession of resurrection by the hands of witchcraft cloning, which invoked me from the comforts of the netherworld and into battle against evil.

I've had it. Once again I have returned and evil stalks the kingdom, but I'm not saving it. Instead, I will choose the peacefull goodbye by ending my own life and thus marked with eternal damnation, which will prevent me from being dragged back to the world of the living every century. The volcano is pleading and my will to die takes over me as send this letter to the compreehensive owl that is taking me to the mountain to cease my misery.
In a few minutes I will be free. No more will I save those people from disaster. Fuck them all.

Fraternally yours, (the name is eligible from the wear of the paper)...


My gaming prostate defiled! It's...e3 2009!

Greetings, GB dwellers and social people alike. I hope e3 is being as rhapsodic to you as it is to me, in fact I love e3 almost as much as Christmas, it is like rolling over a rock and finding something loathsome beneath, such have been the cackling idiocies I have contended with for the past few years. Each conference is like a present under the tree (albeit Sony's this year was akin to a big present scraped enough to see through) and I watch them like a fiendish nipper eager to climax or vitiate each suprise that is shown, while looking at the incessant gnarling via ardent verbicide on the forums. A magestic time indeed.

Being a handheld fanatic (and truly ecstatic), I have been delighted by the suprises Sony and Nintendo revealed upon us.

First of all, Resident Evil Portable. A portable Resident Evil with zombies on the cover is one of those revelations that hits my G-Spot, making the pinball machine in my head energize vehemently whilst keeping track of the conference, eating my sandwhich, drinking my Zero Coke AND ignoring the fanboys.

Second, Golden Sun DS. After 6 years of agonizing coma, Golden Sun returns. Golden Sun is a game I've wanted to play for a while and I didn't want to spoil the experience in an emulator but finding the cartridge has been a difficult endeavour. If it's a separate story (most likely, as the characters are descendant leftovers of unseen relationships with the original protagonists), I might buy it first. It's not as impactful technically for the DS as its predecessors have been for the GBA (you shall not be forgotten) but hey, it's Golden Sun and most fans will swallow it all with a smile.

Third, Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. Yet another series I have been unfortunate (or downright obtuse) to have not played. Getting the original GBA game would be nice but the stories seem independent, thus aiding me in entering this series.

Fourth, The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. Having seen and read more about this game, it's what I wanted: more Zelda. Even if it's Zelda for dummies, I still like because the overworld isn't terribly enormous like Twilight Princess' and it will surely have humour to freshen it up.

On the home side of things, Super Mario Galaxy 2 and New Super Mario Bros. Wii were the highlights of the languid and mainstream-aimed Nintendo conference, heightening my  prostate stimulus. I do wish some more games were shown like Cosmic Walker but Dead Space: Extraction and Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles had me satisfied enough to overlook the rather blatant sell-out of Nintendo. As long as I get my core games, I really don't give a crawling fuck as to what they do, although I wish we had the esoteric gaming cult back.

Conference needling and puffing aside, PSP Go, aside from being as exciting as masturbating with a boxing glove, as made me think to make the shift to download only. UMDs are not ideal for the abuse I bequeath on them and being a battery cruncher and everything, I rather have them and the PsOne classics digitally where I can access them easily and for extended periods of time. I hope Nintendo makes the shift in the future, because having already lost Animal Crossing: Wild World and The Legend Of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, I wish those tiny cartridges would just disappear, they are just prone to being lost in sofa cracks and private cavities.

Scrambling in videogame ecstasy, I leave now.


Handheld Verbal Excretion

Doom 3 RoE's Nightmare mode is utterly ridiculous, Lost Planet was dissapointing and I'm sick of Street Fighter (maybe because it looks like it was made to be played as Ryu and his clones) to even consider spending money on Street Fighter 4.

So, the videogaming winds blow towards a forgotten love of mine: handhelds (maybe it blows too hard, judging from the peeling paint at my PSP's edge). When I look at my handheld game collection (if you can call 6-7 games per system a collection) I find that I buy more handheld games than home console games, and I've never figured out why. Maybe it's because I prefer to play handheld versions of some games and mostly because most home console games (apart from Nintendo's) don't really appeal to me, at least not enough to make me build a nest around my TV.

The PSP, a coagulating machine on the eve of it's twilight, is akin to the Game Gear in every aspect:
-It's a powerful machine, about as powerful as last-gen hardware.
-It is multi-function (GG had TV Tuner, FM Radio)
-Its battery life is not as good as its Nintendo competitor.
-The company making it is more concerned with the home market.
-It gets ports of games shared with the last-gen console sister.

Still, it's a nifty machine with really good potential. The DS has it too.
Now, as E3 approaches its axis like gangly dried skeleton, imminent news of a PSP2 or PSP 4000 and the DSi's download service (a Virtual Console possibly) start to give  me the butterflies and add fervour to my monthly emissions (my allowance).

I seriously hope Sony and other companies invoke its games from the realms of the 1990's to land softly upon PSN as PsOne Classics. It's about time Europe and USA had the Resident Evil trilogy and other games like Doom, Quake 2 and if it was possible, Alien Trilogy... Resident Evil Degeneration would make a good PSP title has well.
People are just waiting to buy these games.

On the other hand, there is the DSi. Nintendo should make a Virtual Console for this thing, it has the power to emulate NES, Game Gear and possibly Lynx and PC Engine. Why not make a shared VC with the Wii? If not, then at least make some DSi Ware goodies like a new Mario side scroller or convince Konami to port the upcoming Wii Contra game. Seriously, untapped potential and money fountains really get on my tits.

The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, this is a game I want to play, it's a clone of Phantom Hourglass (which, much to my disdain, I've lost, DS games seem to want to disappear) and I will love it for that.

Back to the PSP2.
This system should have a big touchscreen and a clamshell design. While the PSP's screen is sufficiently tough, one must freak out with the friction it sometimes gets caught in. Sony seems to like its D-Pad too much to change it so, if they would at least make it as tall as the PSP 3000's and as soft as the Dual Shock 2's then I would play it with glee. Not having a disc drive is a must, the reason CD players and Cassette players died was because better alternatives to bringing music with you arrived, physical media on a portable console is a tricky situation, either it's a fragile disc that drinks batteries to be read or a small cartridge that gets lost.

On a last note, Aliens vs Predator and Aliens: Colonial Marines better come out.

E3 is coming, and I can only hope for the best.


Likely...if it survived abortion.

Duke Nukem Forever may see it's way onto some platforms in a form or another, now that it's free from the dead uterus that is 3D Realms. Rockstar should pick it up make it a multi platform game, even if it's just to cash in on the DKF hype or fame.

Even if it's not a good game, the shock of "ZOMG EET'S ALREDI AUT!" will be enough to make the money start rolling, plus the name of the publisher may be a determining factor.


Are the gaming-dry months really that bad?

Study time is clawing at my freetime like an avid vampire, and no matter how much my 360 stuffs garlic up its arse, I will have to submit to the last epic effort of rising my grades via two hours of a trial of knowledge, where my fate is decided by what my controller-morphed hands manage to impart upon a piece of paper. An exam, more or less. Probably more. The Hourglass Of Dying Spring isn't stopping.

Amid the pleasures of Hell I relish, re-arranging the vital organs of the demons that I share shuddery compassion with (Hell is such a warming little furnace) in Doom 3: Resurrection Of Evil. I'm reaching the end in Veteran, hoping the Nightmare mode is harder, but not as hard as the included Nightmare mode in Ultimate Doom. Sorry but I hate the original Ultimate Doom, specially on Nightmare, give me PS1 Doom anyday (or Japanese Saturn Doom), the soundtrack in that version is so much more compeling and eerily beautiful.
I'm drifting away from the point however, Doom 3 ROE  will be the last game I play fully until after the exams. After that I will get on with Lost Planet: Extreme Condition (an antidote to the agonizing heat of Summer) and I'm planning on getting Fable for Xbox, REmake or RE Zero and Street Fighter 4 (I really hope the latter isn't as frustrating as Super Turbo). I may import Contra 4 too.

Those games plus some others for DS and Gamecube will easily fill up my time throughout the Summer. No longer do I have to go to the beach and lie belly down, watching the mermaids (or perhaps hidden succubuses), like a nail. Also, literary treats like In A Glass Darkly (a collection of short ghost stories by Sheridan Le Fanu) will keep my red-ringed psyche up with minacious tales, after of course I finish Bram Stoker's Dracula

So, are dry months like the Summer ones really that bad (apart from the weather)? I see it as an oportunity for quality gaming time and a relief of the waiting list of games I want to play. Create your own little cubicle, plug yourself to life support and play until your skin becomes morgue-worthy.


Oh The Traps...

I recently finished Final Fight CD, as always with the ass-kickery machine that is Mike Haggar, and I just love the 90's music that cradles the levels with cool remixes of the original arcade soundtrack. I noticed, however, Poison.

Poison is, as many people with twiggy sexual security have known, a transexual (pre-op in Japan, post-op everywhere else). Those ivory-smooth legs, suculent round breasts and mass of spectacular purple hair only serve to drive attention from the insidious bulge that Haggar must have surely witnessed while piledriving the gracious Mad Gear member. Axl, Two P., Bred or Damnd must have been doing it in the dark with Poison, or maybe they didn't care. I won't delve on it further.

Not having seen any fanart before even considering touching myself to the sexy sprite, I discovered the horrible truth. I escaped that trap but not the other, albeit more psychological damaging, that was due to befall me. The Japanese are interesting people when it concerns to their rather blatant perversion.


Super Mario Bros. 2 was a game of my childhood, sure, Birdo was a bitch sometimes but it was an innovative boss compared to Bowser. Later on she appeared on Mario Kart Double Dash!! alongside Yoshi, who is my favourite Nintendo character. "A cute couple!" I thought, unversed of the disturbing facts that Nintendo bestowed upon the playing manual of SMB2 like an euphemism of a fairytale that conceals the twisted secluded truth. Birdo is male. Yoshi is male too. They're together. My childhood memories. Shattered.
Thanks Nintendo, for your 256KB of beguiling venom.

I think Roxy's female though. Maybe I'd hit it.


2009 looks promising.

Aliens: Colonial Marines, Bioshock 2: Sea Of Dreams, the not scary Resident Evil 5 and Street Fighter IV are my main games of 2009 for now. DooM 4 may come out in 2009, but I doubt I will get it in time since the stores are not that reliable and the announced date is 31 December for goodness sake.