The Imp-possible Strawberry-flavored Game of the Year Awards - 2012 Edition

Now with free catnip*! First 562 callers receive 1 (1) moistened piece of paper for the cheap, cheap price of 37 cents and 1 dollar!

*Catnip not actually free

List items

  • The Southland Tales Memorial Award for Excellence in Incoherent Narrative Design Nominees: Halo 4, Resident Evil 6

  • The "Chazz Palminteri" Legacy Questing Award for Narrative Excellence Nominees: Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward

  • The Hey Dude! Messiah Certificate for Most Improved Franchise

    Nominees:

    Mass Effect 3,

    Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward, Borderlands 2

  • The Halo 2 Award for "Most Halos"

    Nominees:

    Halo 4,

    Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward, Borderlands 2

  • Best Final Fantasy Based Musical Simulator Award for Best Musical Game that is a Final Fantasy Based Musical Game

    Nominees:

    Theatrhythm Final Fantasy

  • The Assassin's Creed 2 Award for Best Run Up and Stab Dudes, or/and Ladies Don't Discriminate Gentlemen/Ladies, and then Hide in the Figurative Bushes Award Simulator

    Nominees:

    Assassin's Creed III,

    Dishonored,

    Hotline Miami, Far Cry 3

  • The Bioshock 2 Award for Pretentiousness in Narrative Design

    Nominees: Hotline Miami, Fez, Far Cry 3

  • The Halo 4 Award for Least Improved Franchise Award

    Nominees: Halo 4, Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, Resident Evil 6

  • Game of the Year! (That Mr. Dr. Strawberry has yet to play)

    Nominees: Tokyo Jungle, Persona 4 Golden

  • The Bioshock Award for Best Video Game that was Released by the Humans in the Year of Two Thousand Twelve

    (Preface: As a Time Travelling Robotic Doctor from the Year 2424, keep in mind that Dr. Strawberry WMD (Web (Physical Net) Medical Doctor) had limited time to play video games this year, and, as such, has not completed/played nearly all the games that were released this year.)(Also of note, the good doctor touched a crystal skull and exchanged personalities with a mute female French cellist and, as such, might make slightly less sense than he/she/it normally would.)

    Les candidats, messieurs: Zéro échapper: de la vertu dernière récompense, Mass Effect 3, Borderlands 2..... and the winner is!!!!!!!!!!!=====------!!!!! Zero Escape Virtue's Last Reward due to the fact that is was one of the only games this year that mananged to make me feel something that you humans calls "emotion"s. It was also the purest expression of what a video game story should aspire to be, and how to make the genre of the visual novel into palatable for a wide audience. Somehow, Aksys managed to create a game that I played almost non-stop to completion the second I got my grubby little metal claws on it. It is, in short, the greatest game that I played this year, and something that will stick with me presumably forever...... wait! hold the metaphorical phone........ OH MY GODDDDD! This is such an upset! Who could have expected this turn of events! American Horror Story: Asylum wins Game of the Year!

  • The Spoiler Reward Award for Best Twist *Spoilers

    Nominees: Hotline Miami - When you start playing as the biker guy and murder yourself, and the game devolves into senselessness, Assassin's Creed III - All the Haytham stuff, Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward - Because this game relies on so many narrative twists, I'll have to limit it to the one I did not see coming, which is the one where Sigma is actually in the body of Future Sigma and Future Sigma is actually Zero III, and finally - Far Cry 3, with the twist being that the game's story is actually really stupid!

  • The Time Traveling Future Cop Award for "Best" Open World Nominees: Assassin's Creed 3, Far Cry 3,

  • The "Why Didn't You Play This When It Was Released" Award for Best Game that was Not Released in 2012 that I Played in 2012 for the First Time

    Nominees: Civilization 5, 999: 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors

  • The "Am I the Only Person in the World Who Thinks That Mass Effect One and Three are better than Two" Award for Most Disappointing Game Nominees: Halo 4, Resident Evil 6, Dishonored