DUDE, SLOW YOUR ROLL:

Big ol' Mass Effect spoilers to follow. Eat with your eyes at your own risk.

With my Lost and Damned blog series complete, I jumped back into the world of Mass Effect last night and re-created my Commander Shepard. For the record, he is an orphaned war hero with the abilities of the Vanguard (biotic/soldier cross that implements mostly shotguns and pistols and can use up to medium armor). When I first got into Mass Effect way back when, I initially created a Soldier class Shepard, but found that it really limits your play, since biotics are totally out of the question and thus more tactically interesting maneuvers are impossible. I strongly recommend that anyone who hasn’t played ME (or would like to play it again) go for a hybrid class. Best of both worlds.

So far my experience with Mass Effect has been one akin to the saying, “you can’t come home again.” Sure, all of the scenes that were epic then remain so now, but there just isn’t that eye-popping awe to them anymore. Regardless, I’m still having tons and tons of fun with it, even the combat. As I’ve been playing through the first encounters with my weakling Throw and my anti-personnel pistol I am reminded of just how god-like my Shepard was at the end of my first playthrough. Lifting large objects and then throwing multiple enemies to their instantaneous death was his forte. I can’t wait to get there again.

Speaking of first encounters, let’s talk a little bit about the opening mission. You are charged with rescuing the flagship human colony (Eden Prime) from a strange attack seemingly triggered by the discovery of an ancient alien artifact. It is later revealed that the attackers are Geth, a synthetic race originally created by Quarians as slaves that, through some form of synthetic evolution, obtained minds of their own and revolted, slaughtering many Quarians and reducing them to a space-faring race. When I hit my first level up about a third into the first mission, my main priority was to max out my charm attribute. I recommend anyone who plays ME to max out either that or your intimidate skill, as both will yield some pretty nice payoffs, even to a newborn Shepard. There’s a particularly interesting/alarming payoff at the end of the game, too… But we’ll get to that in due time. Midway through the mission it is discovered that a notorious Turian Specter by the name of Saren has defected to the Geth and is in fact the mastermind behind the attack on Eden Prime, though the reasons for his betrayal are unclear.

At this point I’ve gone the paragon route with Shepard, save for a few key instances, one of which occurred in this mission. Anyone remember the crazed scientist you encounter by hacking the lock on a safe room? Yeah, totally threw the haymaker on that guy. Why? ‘Cause I’m Commander fucking Shepard, that’s why.

I almost forgot to mention that Eden Prime is also where you meet the lovely Ashley Williams, a gunnery chief who lost her squad in the initial attack. She’s determined to get her revenge on the invading Geth and joins up with you to do it. After the ensuing battles she is left without a unit or a colony to defend and is thus reassigned to the Normandy. From this point on you can add her to your party and it is possible for her to play a more personal role later on in the game.

With Eden Prime saved and nightmarish Prothean warnings safely tucked into Shepard’s dome (no, I’m not going to explain how that happened), Shepard and company head back to the Citadel, at which point you are greeted with a gorgeous cinematic revealing the behemoth space station behind what can only be described as space clouds. This is the second time you hear Joker (your ship’s pilot) speak and the first time I realized on my initial play through that Joker is voiced by the one and only Seth Green of Robot Chicken fame (infamy?). I like Green a lot as Joker… He’s certainly a welcome addition to the cast, and it’s nice to see him get some serious work (no, Buffy the Vampire Slayer didn’t count).

During Shepard’s first shoring on the Citadel he encounters not one but two characters that will make up the Normandy’s (your ship) future crew. One is the gruff smack-talking Wrex, an alien bounty hunter sent to the Citadel to kill shady owner of Chora’s Den (a strip club and presumed whorehouse), Fist. Wrex and Shepard’s paths cross when Shepard learns of a Quarian that came to the station with information that could possibly link Saren to the crimes committed on Eden Prime. When I inquired as to her whereabouts, it was implied that she may be in Fist’s “care.” Thus Wrex joins the team with the common goal of going after Fist. This is the second time I deviated from the paragon path: when you finally blast through all of Fist’s guards and confront the man about his crimes, you are given the option to either let the snake slither away and fall off the grid forever, or blast his good-for-nothing self into the hereafter. I’ll leave which side I came down on to your imagination.

After dealing with Fist you chase down the Quarian and the information she holds. After rescuing her from would-be assassins (hired by none other than Saren himself) and giving her information to the Council as proof of Saren’s treachery, she joins your team. Now, although the Council concedes that Saren is a traitor and should have his Specter status stripped, they don’t believe the part of the intercepted transmission where Saren is speaking with Lady Benezia (his current second-in-command and confidante) about the imminent return of giant mechanical life forms (called “Reapers”) that happen to be hellbent on the destruction of all organic life in the galaxy. Go figure.

Tangent: as I was playing through the game and taking some notes for this blog, my girlfriend mentioned that this game was “boring” because there was very little action. Though I strongly disagree about the boring bit, I have to agree on this: Shepard and his friends and foes talk a lot. The dialogue in the first few hours of the game easily overshadows the combat, but then, that’s how I like my space operas: long-winded and lengthy. For those of us who have shorter attention spans

I’m sure you could limit the amount of dialogue by only interacting with story relevant characters, but if you’re that type of gamer then you probably won’t enjoy Mass Effect anyway.

Alright, let’s tie the bow on this one. This is where I’ve left off: not only am I, a newly appointed human Specter, tasked with the pursuit and capture of a legendary Specter who’s skill and resources presumably far outstrip my own, but also with stopping the invasion of a far superior machine-race that will, unless I do something about it, eradicate all things green and beautiful.

Sweet.

YO SON:

Lost and Damned spoilers to follow. Read at yo' own risk.

So it’s finally over. You may notice this blog is going up rather soon, since I’m sure you could scroll back a couple of pages and find my previous one. Well, the reason for that is that I simply didn’t realize just how close to the end of the Lost and Damned I was.

As Johnny rode up to the prison, he rang the remaining Lost, and up rode Terrence with his gun van and Clay with some other riders. Johnny was given complete access to all the guns, body armor and ammo he wanted for this mission, free of charge. The Lost were, of course, about to storm a prison. After blowing down the front door with a rocket launcher (oh, subtlety), what should’ve been an intense firefight ensues in the courtyard. Instead what you get is a mediocre shooting gallery that will hardly take down your body armor. To be fair I was just getting headshot after headshot with the M16, but that’s not hard to do.

Once the prison guards have been dispatched, Johnny tells Clay and the others to get the bikes while he takes care of Grey. This last scene is kind of a letdown… Grey is basically remorseless and practically demands that Johnny shoot him. Hesitation almost gets Johnny killed, as the only thing that finally made him pull the trigger was Grey swinging a knife at him.

Once Grey finally gets his, Johnny jumps on his bike and rolls out of the prison with the rest of the gang, strangely not being pursued by any police… I guess this was Rockstar’s way of showing that Stubbs came through, although I think murdering fifty or so innocent prison guards would be rather difficult to hush up. With less than ten of the Lost remaining, Johnny and his crew arrive at the clubhouse knowing that the gang’s days are finally up. Terrence and Clay start spreading gasoline on the trashed dump’s floors, and there is a solemn moment as Johnny wheels Angus (the wheelchair-bound Lost member) out of the clubhouse with the others close behind and the building licking up in flames. The boys watch it burn, then turn and leave (in a car no less). Queue credits.

So what did I think of the Lost and Damned? Excellent story that unfortunately just didn’t get the ending it deserved. I mean, what happened to Ashley? Last we saw her she was ranting about going to rehab for her meth addiction, but it certainly isn’t the first time that’s happened. Can I get a real conclusion to that story? Then there was the disbanding of the Lost. I guess this made sense in the context of the story, but I think I would’ve liked a little more closure for Johnny and the gang. I mean, what do you do after you storm a prison? Settle down, start a domestic life? Methinks not. If one thing was made clear by the ending, it was that Johnny will not be the protagonist of Rockstar’s next downloadable episode. It just wouldn’t make sense. Unless he founds a new gang… Yeah right. But just in case. You heard it here first:

STOP READING AND CHECK THIS:

Major Lost and Damned spoilers to follow, peruse at your own risk.

Well folks, it appears that things in Johnny’s world are drawing to a close. It all started to unravel with the resurfacing of Ashley, once love interest and now problem maker for poor John. She started it by getting in too deep with her dealers, so deep that they were going to kill her. Instead Johnny intervened and her debts were paid off in exchange for him kidnapping a familiar face: Roman Bellic.

That was the end of that particular problem, but not the last we heard from Ashley. Next she got Johnny working with Ray Boccino, an Italian mobster that GTA IV vets will recognize from Nico’s arc. Speaking of our eastern European friend, this is where Johnny and Nico’s arcs cross path again: specifically for the diamond deal turned shootout at the Libertonian. Boccino wanted Johnny and Nico to exchange some hot diamonds for a couple million in cash, and that was the intention… Until things went sour. After an unknown third party crashes the deal, Nico splits with the diamonds and Johnny with the money, which he then hands over to Jim, having no intention of it ever getting back to Boccino.

This was Johnny’s mistake.

Boccino was apparently very upset with Johnny’s chosen path and calls him down to his restaurant only to pull him downstairs for a pretty graphic scene involving the aforementioned Jim. Somehow the pair make it out (but not unscathed), but sadly that was the last time Johnny ever saw Jim alive. We are told later on by the ever exasperating Ashley that Jim did not escape the biker/mobster war that ensued with his life. Told you Rockstar couldn’t leave the biker with a family alone.

Remember Stubbs? No? How about the politician with the schlong scene? Yeah? Knew you’d remember him. Well it turned out that he really wasn’t all that bad after all. After hearing of Johnny’s woes, he brings the long arm of the law into play against Romano and Johnny is told “not to worry” about him anymore. When asked why he was doing all of this, Stubbs merely replied: “I told you I was good for a favor.” Good on ya’, penis guy.

It has finally come to light that the rumored Lost informant to the police was in fact Billy Grey, who has rolled over on the inside. We are told this by Stubbs who explains that Grey is now trying to pin a number of Lost crimes on Johnny and, to put the icing on the cake, the wheelchair-ridden Lost member Angus. When Johnny says he has no way of getting to Grey, Stubbs says to just worry about getting in to the prison and that everything else will be mysteriously “taken care of.” That is where my game is currently paused, with Johnny riding his hawg to the prison to confront Grey, once and for all.

All this being said, this is probably the penultimate blog entry in my Lost and Damned saga; I look forward to writing up the conclusion for you, brothers.

Since my last blog, the world of the Lost and Damned has been pretty quiet. Since assuming presidency of the Lost, Johnny has pretty much just been doing petty errands for Elizabetha (GTA IV vets will remember her from Nico’s story) that have slowly been ramping up from the moderately difficult to the nigh impossible. My current objective is to escape a drug deal gone bad on the back of a crotch rocket whilst firing a street sweeper at an ever-growing throng of boys in blue. This mission is hard. Probably the hardest I’ve faced since I’ve played GTA IV (including Nico’s story). As you can probably guess, a crotch rocket doesn’t provide a lot of cover and there are all kinds of things shooting at me, since the mission starts you off at four stars. Even with full life, body armor and backup bikers, I just can’t get past this one.

I kind of hope that Billy’s arrest wasn’t the “conclusion” to that story arc. That would be really disappointing. And that’s it for the shortest blog I’ve ever written.

So much has been happening to Johnny Klebitz and his crew that it is unlikely that I will be able to retell all of it faithfully. I’ve gotten past what appears to be Nico Bellic’s principal appearance in Johnny’s story, and it really wasn’t much to shake a stick at. Then again, judging from the amount of involvement in Nico’s story on Johnny’s part, it makes sense. To be honest, ever since hearing how Nico’s voice actor snubbed Rockstar for not paying him more (“wait, you mean GTA IV was successful?”), the whole “guest star” excitement pretty much dissipated for me.

Let me try and sum things up: a member of the Lost was killed by someone. When we are first told this it’s by Billy, who first blames the father of a girl that the murdered Lost member was, um, boning. However, he soon changes his tune, claiming that a member of a rival gang (the “Angels of Death”) is to blame and that they have to go hit the gang’s stronghold. If the second story sounds like bullshit, that’s because it is. Soon after murdering a couple dozen Angels, Gray’s true target is revealed: a duffel bag full of heroin stashed in the basement. He claims that this is to help fund the Lost, but Johnny isn’t convinced. Here an opportunity is presented for Bryan, the sniveling deadbeat of a lawyer, to try to drag Johnny’s reputation through the mud. All of this makes an upcoming event all the more satisfying.

It is somewhere in here that Gray is apprehended by the boys in blue and a scene in which he curses Johnny’s name for “turning him in” ensues. Of course, we the player already know that Johnny was contacted by the cops and he told them, in his words, to fuck off. Unfortunately the rest of the Lost boys are unconvinced and about half of them actually defect to Bryan’s side. This of course creates a big schism within the Lost that cannot and is not allowed to exist much longer.

Through the course of several missions things between Johnny’s Lost and Bryan’s Losers come to a boil and finally we get the showdown we’ve always wanted at Bryan’s hideout. I brought along my two goons with me and equipped them with sawed off shotguns. They slipped around back while I popped a grenade through the second story window in the front. It wasn’t long before Bryan’s Losers stumbled down the back stairs in a desperate attempt to avoid the grenade’s blast, only to find the mean barrels of sawed-offs waiting. After the shooting stopped I found a certain deadbeat attempting to crawl (yes, crawl) away from the fighting. I calmly walked up to Bryan and unloaded an entire clip of automatic pistol rounds into the back of his skull. Finally, finally I wouldn’t have to suffer his snide comments anymore. I only wish it had been more dramatic. Like throwing him off a roof. Or dousing him in gasoline and tossing a Zippo at him. Or repeatedly mashing him in the back of a garbage truck. Or like, throwing him into a volcano.

God I hated that guy.

At this point I can only assume that either Gray has defected to the police or Bryan had. Or they’re both morons. Well, the latter is definitely true of the late Bryan, and I’m starting to think it’s true of Gray too. The man just doesn’t surround himself with good people and has alienated the only biker that seems to have his head screwed on straight.

Ashley seems to have faded off into the distance for now. I kind of wish Johnny had more interaction with her character. There’s definitely a story to be told there.

Later on, deadbeats.

Let me start this off by stating that I never expected the Lost and Damned to hit me this hard, this fast. Right from the opening cinematic, the tone and style of the game is set, and I can’t help but feel that this is the game Rockstar was meant to make.

As the game opens, we are greeted by a much gloomier Liberty City than even the harsh reality of Nico Bellic let us in on. The game introduces us to the big players all at once, momentarily zooming in on them and their bikes as they roll out to pick up hyper-charismatic leader Billy Gray from rehab.

Gray has definitely got to be one of the most interesting characters the L&D has to offer us: he is the epitome of the biker boss, complete with silvery hair, tattooed exterior and hard-as-nails interior. At the same time that I want to believe in Gray and support his craziness with every gun, bullet and knife I’ve got, there’s something about the man that made me uneasy right from the get-go… Abuse of power is natural with these types, but Rockstar has definitely done a good job of giving Gray that unsettling silver-tongued snake in the grass personality. I have a feeling things won’t hold together with him for much longer.

The other characters in the gang have been mostly boring stereotypes, but a few have been set up with the possibility of interesting story arcs in the future. There’s Jim, an old biker with a wife and kid, and you just know Rockstar won’t be able to leave that one alone. Then there’s Bryan, a lawyer that Gray lets into the gang because of his connections and who quickly proves himself to be a sniveling brown-noser, worthy of a full four-knuckle punch. Or several. I can't wait for Johnny to finally deliver him the comeuppance he so desperately deserves, and I pray that Rockstar doesn't rob me of that moment. Please Rockstar. Please.

Finally we come to Johnny’s one time love interest, Ashley. In short, she’s a meth-head, and if you know anything about meth-heads, that should be enough; but I will allow for uninitiated minds and explain in a little more detail. She is a female member of the brotherhood that seems to have been around for just about as long as Johnny has, and from the inferences from Gray and the other members of the gang, has been “passed around” quite a bit. Still, I gather that there was a time when it was just Johnny and Ashley doing the nasty and having warm and fuzzy feelings for each other. Now those feelings seem to have been all but eradicated on Johnny’s side, as I can almost confirm that he sees her as nothing but another junkie now. As he should, since the mission I completed before writing this had Johnny blasting through an apartment building full of hostile tweakers to save Ashley’s strung-out self from certain doom. He then took her back to her place (a dilapidated single-room “apartment”) and listened to her rant and ramble about how they were going to ride off into the sunset together. After taking it in and rolling his eyes for a minute or so, Johnny left Ashely to sleep her three-day bender off.

Oh, you’ll notice that I didn’t mention the digital schlong anywhere yet. Well, yes, I did get to that part and did in fact see the thing, but there’s so much more that the Lost and Damned has to offer by way of real story and characters that I just can’t justify giving that publicity stunt the spotlight for more than two sentences.

So today I decided to do something productive that also fell within both the game-o-sphere and blog-o-sphere in a Venn diagram kind of way. So off I toddled to the local Game Stop (sorry haters, it's all we've got) with unused copies of Battlefield: Bad Company and NHL '09 (both great games, by the way...) in tow. I already had it in mind to pick up the Platinum Hits edition of my beloved Mass Effect, since I've been without a copy for far too long and this expansion-pack-included, $20 dollar bargoon is just too good to pass up. I was even more pleased when I didn't have to pay a nickle for it and was able to pre-order both Resident Evil 5 (which I only did on recommendation... The AI in that game looks mad retarded) and Halo Wars (new Halo 3 map pack GET) at the same time.

Such was my jubilation that I floundered around the store for a little longer, looking for something to blow my money on. I had been wanting to play the Lost and the Damned since I first heard of it, but sadly my GTA IV game disc had long since moved on to greener pastures. So that copy on the shelf was awful tempting...

Roughly $80 bucks, a new copy of GTA IV and a 1600 MS Point card later, I'm waiting for the download bar to slowly creep across the screen whilst guiding Commander Shepard through his initial adventure.

What's the point of all of this mumbo jumbo gobbledeygook, you ask? Well, I plan on (key word: plan) writing about my experiences both amongst the stars and the not so stellar inhabitants of Liberty City up to their inevitably awesome conclusions. Wish me luck, and I hope you enjoy the read(s).

Left 4 Dead (360) Review

Continuing in my newborn tradition of reviewing games that have been reviewed a thousand times, my next entry is on Valve’s zombie thriller, “Left 4 Dead”. The concept, as we all know, is simple: throw a handful of horror movie stereotypes into equally stereotypical settings and watch the fur (and blood, and guts) fly as up to four buddies take on the zombie horde.

Unfortunately, the simplicity of the concept is both its blessing and its curse. Though the characters and settings of the game certainly are colorful, that’s about all they are; that is to say, they lack substance. The only story that the player can gleam comes from etchings on the walls of the safe houses. Some consider this to be a strength, but I’ve found that after playing the game at length, the lack of information gets a little stale. The characters have the same problem. Though they are all charismatic in their own way, from Francis’s rough ‘n’ tough ‘tude to the relatable everyman Louis, that’s about all they have going for them. After the initial thrill of slaying hordes of zombies with buddies by my side wore off, I found myself wanting more from Valve’s shooter.

Let’s face it: Left 4 Dead might as well be multiplayer only, because that’s really the only way to play this game. Though playing solo in the dark can sometimes heighten the tension (and annoying pseudo-gangsters on XBOX Live lessen it), you’re really not getting the full experience. The best way to play this zombie-slayer is with three buddies over XBOX Live. The game relies heavily on camaraderie and is thus best enjoyed while listening to your friends’ desperate cries for help as zombies pummel, bite and claw them to bloody ribbons. Speaking of zombies, we’re not only dealing with the standard brain-starved variety here: there are the four “Special Infected” that will frequently spawn and take a shot at your gray matter. The first of these is the Hunter, a hoodie clad menace that growls when it’s far away, screams when it’s close and finally pounces you when it’s just too late. Once the Hunter sinks its claws into you, the only thing that can save you is a compassionate teammate, whether by shooting or shoving it off.

The same goes for the next Special Infected, the Smoker. Perpetually followed by a dense cloud of gray-green smoke, the Smoker takes out survivors by lashing out at them from a distance with its tongue and then pulling them in for the kill. This is definitely (in this reviewer’s opinion) the most dangerous of the special infected, especially in the wooded areas, since once you are pulled into those trees, it’s extremely difficult for teammates to reach you in time (especially on higher difficulties).

Next is the Witch, a zombie with the scariest case of PMS you’ve seen in your life. The first time you encounter a Witch, she’s curled into a ball on the floor, weeping for her lost loved ones or her extinguished life or whatever. However, don’t even begin to imagine that this somehow makes her a pushover, ‘cause as the 360 achievement notes, the Witch might as well have a big old sign over her head that says “Do Not Disturb”. If you are unfortunate enough to catch the Witch in a beam of your flashlight or, worse yet, bump into her, prepare for a beating. The zombie-ess jumps up, screams bloody murder and lays into you with eight-inch talons. Although she isn’t particularly hearty (a couple of well-placed shots from yourself and your teammates will usually take her down), it’s her ridiculous damage per second that makes her a threat. Often incapacitating you with a single strike, the Witch will then proceed to flay you to death with aforementioned talons. As previously stated, its best to try and sneak around this one entirely.

Last is the biggest and baddiest of baddies in Left 4 Dead: the Tank. This hulking behemoth makes all the other rotters look like complete pushovers. Spawning once or twice per level (and usually twice on finales), the Tank is an incredible threat to you and your team, and when he spawns on Expert, most teams kiss their collective ass goodbye, because it seems like he just won’t go down. The tank likes to turn your body into mush with his obscenely large fists, tear slabs of concrete straight out of the ground and try and catch your dome with them and occasionally hurl cars your way. No matter what he’s doing, the Tank is a clear and present danger for as long as you can hear his labored breathing. The smartest thing to do when dealing with the Tank (especially on the higher difficulties) is to have one of your squad hold onto a Molotov until he spawns, then chuck it at him and run. Eventually even this motherfucker burns. Until then everyone should make a mad dash in the direction of the safe room, as it is a known variable; those who run forward risk encountering Hunters, Smokers, Boomers, regular ol’ zombies or, worse yet, the Witch. Once the giant mass of mutated muscle goes down, regroup quickly, as special infected are on their way to make your lives just that much worse, and anyone left on their own for too long could indeed be left for dead (see what I did there?).

Versus

In this mode, eight players collide in a violent human on zombie orgy. Four players take up the mantle of the survivors, whilst the other four repeatedly spawn as special infected. The goal of the first four is to make it to the safe room without incurring any casualties along the way. The goal of the second group is then obviously to ensure that that doesn’t happen. As we here at Giant Bomb have seen, this mode is best played with a large group of friends (or at least acquaintances) in party chat, as the possible smack talk generated from both groups never fails to be entertaining.

I give Left 4 Dead’s single-player (such as it is) a 2.5 out of 5 as there just isn’t enough content or storyline to keep the offline gamer entertained for long. However, this was never how it was meant to be played, as I’ve said many times before. Its multiplayer earns a healthy 4 out of 5 and is definitely how this holiday season’s horror blockbuster should be enjoyed. This has been my review of Valve’s zombie slayer, Left 4 Dead. Thanks for reading.

- End Boss.

Gears of War 2 Review

Before we get started, I realize that I am about a century late in writing this review. Gears of War 2 has been out for a while now and most people have already formed their opinions on it. Nonetheless I feel like I’ve got to get my opinions on this sucker down in writing.

Let me say that I was (and am) a huge fan of Gears of War. I liked the simple, action movie storyline that didn’t require too much brainpower to work out; don’t get me wrong, I do love the Mass Effects and Metal Gear Solids of the gaming world, but sometimes (as with movies) a good run ‘n’ gun experience is just what the doctor ordered. And that’s just what Gears delivered: the COG were the good guys, the Locust the bad guys. The game led you through a series of scenarios that culminated in a fun and challenging boss fight with General RAAM. There wasn’t much character development, but there didn’t need to be, because you immediately knew who you were dealing with: there was Mar

cus Fenix, the tough-as-nails conflicted sergeant, Dominic Santiago, the ever-faithful sidekick, Augustus Cole, the charismatic (if not overly bright) ex-football player and Damon Baird, the wisecracking “smart guy” of the group. Together they formed the ragtag Delta Squad, heroes of the COG and protectors of humanity.

Unfortunately it seemed to me that Gears of War 2 tried to be the brainy, heartfelt sequel to the straight up action movie that was Gears of War and didn’t quite pull it off. Now don’t get me wrong, there were some poignant moments in there: the discovery of Maria Santiago and the unfortunate end of Tai Kaliso stand out among them. Apart from that, though, the story seemed to get lost in itself with all the conspiracy theories (particularly those relating to Adam Fenix) and unanswered questions. Those unanswered questions, by the way, seemed like they were trying to inject some intrigue into the plot but left this reviewer confused, bored and tempted to reach for the “skip scene” button. As for the gameplay, there isn’t much to complain about because for the most part the original game’s stellar controls are left intact.

There were a couple bits of the game that are particularly noteworthy: the fight inside the Rockworm for example, while a tad over the top, was a refreshing change of pace for the game, especially since Gears’ traditional enemies were nowhere to be found, discounting the negligible creatures that would occasionally pop out of the worms innards and assault your squad. I really enjoyed the almost platformer feel to this section, what with the timed sprints through the worm and the stomach acid portions. The reward at the end of that bit was also great, as the thought of Marcus and Co. pouring out of the Rockworm soaked in its blood still makes me laugh.

A place where the game really fell down for me though was the “boss fight” with Skorge. Marcus at one point describes Gears 2’s main baddy as making General RAAM “look like a pushover”. I wholeheartedly disagree, as the scene where Skorge finally bites it (or does he?) wasn’t anywhere near as cool or satisfying as RAAM’s final moments, nor was the fight (on the higher difficulties anyway) as much of a struggle.

In conclusion, I would give the single-player portion of Gears of War 2 a 3 ½ out of 5.

Multi-Player

Man, do I have a lot to say about this one. However, being a man of good taste and upbringing, I have been taught that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all. On that note:

Gears of War 2 multi-player is ____________________________________________________________.

Seriously though, Epic: what the fuck? What did you do to my dog? Y’see, we as a collective gamer family once had a beautiful, friendly golden retriever named Gears. He was

Dropping the dog metaphor, I have to say that I find the online experience that Gears 2 has to offer is disjointed and broken. Although the original mechanics that made Gears great are there in spirit, the reality is that they are as dead as the dog in the metaphor. Several mechanics and weapons have been introduced that throw game play balance for a loop. When Epic set out to recreate Gears multi-player they stated that they wanted it to be less of a “shotgun showdown” and for players to use other weapons as more than just clubs.

On the plus side of that decision, several weapons have been re-imagined or “tuned up”. The Lancer’s spray area was tightened, making it much more accurate and lethal at its higher end ranges. The Shotgun’s firing rate has been slowed so as to make it less desirable to get into the infamous shotgun duels of yesteryear. The Hammerburst has been made a much more viable choice what with the stopping power mechanic and the increased damage from the now semi-automatic weapon. Speaking of choices, the game now allows you to select which of the aforementioned weapons you’d like to start with before each match begins; a brilliant call. Also, the Boltok Pistol, previously a weapon chosen by the extremely skilled and/or suicidal, is now a major threat on the battlefield, as a few shots will take down any opponent when accurately fired from this bad boy. The downside of this is that it has effectively become more lethal than the Longshot due to said weapon’s new inability to down an enemy with a single active round. So, while the changes to the Boltok are welcome, I would’ve liked to have seen some reflective changes to the Longshot that would have made it remain the preferred choice. An easy solution to this would’ve been two shots per reload; to counterbalance that, they could have increased the reload time.

The Torque Bow has become even more unnecessarily lethal, as now you are not even required to hit your target to blow them to tiny fucking pieces. While this would make sense for a weapon like the Boom Shot, it doesn’t for the Torque Bow, since whatever that arrow strikes, it buries itself in. Thus, when it hits the couch next to you, all that should happen is that you should take significant damage and be covered in stuffing. However, no one else should be covered in your stuffing, if you catch my drift.

Also, the Hammer of Dawn, which used to be able to be used ad infinitum now has a limited battery charge.

New Weapons

As far as new weapons go, we have the Gorgon Pistol, the Flamethrower, the Boom Shield, the Mortar Launcher, Mulcher and the Ink Grenade. The Gorgon Pistol serves as the original Hammerburst’s replacement, burst-firing a relatively inaccurate spray of bullets with a long “cool-down” between each shot.

In my experience, the Gorgon, while not completely useless, is not a weapon of choice and definitely does not surpass the Snub Pistol in lethality.

The Flamethrower is a welcome addition to the arsenal, and its use is pretty straightforward: point, shoot and cackle maniacally as your enemies writhe in seething fire. When active reloaded it gains some range and killing power, and is a well-rounded power weapon.

The Boom Shield, whilst not technically a weapon, will be treated as such by this review. It serves as both mobile and stationary cover for the possessor, having the ability to be strapped to your arm or slammed into the ground as a means of entrenching your position. When used properly it is a fairly balanced way of increasing your survivability, since it doesn’t quite make you invincible as you are slower, cannot use standard cover and are still vulnerable to chainsaws, accurate shots from the front and quick attacks from behind.

The Mortar Launcher is exactly what it sounds like: a boring addition that adds a frustrating extra threat to a game which already has much more than its fair share of power weapons. That being said, had it been added to a game that wasn’t already oversaturated with “deus ex” weapons, it would serve as an excellent support weapon and would be well-balanced due to its inefficacy without the help of a spotter teammate. As for blind-firing, this reviewer would like to see the Mortar occasionally unleash a basketball, cloud of feathers and/or herd of small livestock. Any of these would be equally as predictable as the results that you currently could experience from taking such a course of action.

The Mulcher seems to be the place where efficacy and balance meet best when dealing with the new weapons. When in cover, the Mulcher can be mounted and used as an incredibly deadly turret mowing down any and all enemies that cross its path in a matter of seconds. While moving and blind-firing, it will easily outclass the shotgun as a close-range killer, but becomes inaccurate at anything more than medium-range. As with the Mortar, this heavy weapon slows you down and prevents you from taking any acrobatic action, save sliding into cover.

The Ink Grenade… Man, the Ink Grenade. The baffling decision to make this the only non-concussive grenade of the game really drags it down. At this point, it is most useful in the Territories game types where it can be used to fortify a position from enemy attack. Otherwise, it’s really only much use when combined with a smoke grenade. Had it been designed to be concussive, it would be considered useful. Had it been given a wider range, it would be useful. If it inflicted more damage, it would be useful. As is, the team at Epic has barely scratched the surface of this weapon’s potential.

New Mechanics

One of the interesting new mechanics added to Gears is the Meat Shield: while technically similar to the Boom Shield, there are some key differences between the two. For example, the Boom Shield does not allow for the user to melee from cover; the Meat Shield does. The Boom Shield will stand up to whatever is thrown at it, whilst the Meat Shield degenerates over time until there is nothing left to protect you from enemy fire. Other than that, they function pretty much the same.

A new mechanic that is a topic of hot debate is the decision to make smoke grenades concussive. I personally believe that this is the key factor to changing Gears from a shotgun showdown to a contest of which team can throw their smoke grenades quicker. While I understand and appreciate the idea of defensive play that went into the decision to add this feature, I also recognize that the player base has done with it what it does best: manipulate the core mechanic and bastardize it however they see fit. One of the things I’d like to see in Gears 3 is a rethinking of the concussive smoke grenade or a complete removal of the mechanic from the game. An easy way to fix this problem would be to remove the “ragdoll” effect from the reaction, replacing it with a uniform animation that will always take the exact same amount of time. Many and frustrating have been the instances that I have been blasted by a smoke grenade only to slide down a set of stairs, crumple into a corner or go face-first into a wall for a solid 8-10 seconds, during which time other players can mercifully end my life at their leisure.

In Gears of War 2, when two players meet with revved chainsaws, a duel ensues. This boils down to whoever mashes the “B” button the fastest, wins. Personally I would’ve preferred to see a random sequence of buttons appear onscreen for both players and whosoever hit their sequence faster won the duel. Then again, that’s just personal preference.

Players can no longer easily quit a game; they now have to go all the way back to the dashboard to duck out. This is, in my opinion, a great step forward. However, it seems to have done nothing to stop the quitters from doing what they do best. They seem to be more present than ever… Or, I suppose it should be said that they are more absent than ever.

Another change is the cycling of weapons from round to round in each match. I can’t help but dislike this because of the fact that it often ends up placing up to three game-changing weapons on a single map.

The Lancer’s chainsaw bayonet has become much more difficult to lower, which I will address later in the review.

The ability to crawl to teammates whilst down is a welcome addition, though actively slowing your bleed-out time is an aspect of the game that I will miss.

On Brokenness

As I stated earlier, the chainsaw bayonet has become more difficult to lower. This decision is baffling, especially considering the complaints that many players had from the original game, which were that chainsaws often stood in for a player’s lack of skill. Whether or not you considered the chainsaw from Gears 1 as the game’s great balancer or the noob’s weapon of choice, this change is no good, as you can easily bull rush an opposing player with a shotgun and still, somehow, manage to cut them in half about 65% of the time.

Many are the people who have brought to light the biggest problem with Gears of War 2’s shotgun, Boom Shot and Hammer of Dawn: blind-firing just don’t work. How many of us have had the incredibly enraging experience of confidently blind-firing the shotgun/Boom Shot/Hammer of Dawn at our opponent of choice, only to watch the blast/rocket/laser painter fall directly between our legs? The answer is way too many. This is totally unforgiveable… Did Epic not play test this game for more than five minutes pre-release? This is what betas are for, people.

Another problem many people encounter is coming into play with invisible weapons. That is to say, though it appears to you that you are firing your weapon (and have unlimited ammo to boot), your enemies will never take damage or be killed by anything from the end of your barrel. Not only this, but the glitch also disallows you from picking up other weapons to replace your “broken” ones.

Player-induced glitches are more prevalent than they ever were in the original Gears of War. Not only have the old glitches not been fixed, they are now easier to perform and have a whole host of new glitches by their side. Glitches that come to mind are the shield glitch, unlimited ammo, the invisible man glitch and using a smoke grenade to pass through walls and even lasers. Again, did no one do any stress testing for this game? Ever? Unacceptable.

Matchmaking, as we all know, continues to be a painful experience. Many times have I been disconnected before even reaching the pre-game lobby and many more times have I reached said lobby only to find my team decimated by disconnects. I cannot fathom the sheer disregard Epic must have had for this system, as it is so clearly broken. If only there were a way to see just how good a host’s connection was before being forced into a match; oh wait, didn’t Gears 1 do that? Yes, yes it did. Not only that, but one can no longer specifically choose which game type one would like to play, instead being forced to choose from several general categories that often encompass up to four different game types. I for one strongly advocate a return to the original matchmaking system. It wasn’t broken and didn’t need fixing. Also, what happened to player matches? The only options we are given as far as matchmaking now are ranked and private. What about those of us who don’t always want to be in the constantly ultra-competitive atmosphere of ranked matches without playing with the same people over and over?

Many of the animations are sloppy at best, including vaulting over cover. Often when I or others tried to vault over cover, the character finds itself hopelessly locked in a loop that just will not let it past that cover, at least in the way it originally wanted to.

It’s hard to believe that that short list seems to encompass everything that is broken with Gears of War 2. But trust me, reader; this list is more than the sum of its parts. When all of these things come together, you will find that the majority of the time you hope to spend having fun on Gears of War 2 multi-player will be lost to frustration.

I give Gears of War 2 multi-player 2.5 out of 5, a half-assed score for a half-assed effort. This score will not be affected by the upcoming patch since I am of the belief that excessive patching is a slippery slope fallacy and that an unfinished game should not be released or use patches as a crutch, no matter how popular the IP. This has been my review of Gears of War 2. Thank you for reading.

-End Boss.