A Blog About Being Poor During 2011: Year of the Video Game

I spend less than 10 dollars at the grocery store every week and a half. I ride a bike everywhere, pay for rent, pay out-of-state tuition, and my parents cannot afford to give me any money. The last game I bought was Magicka, and I still feel pretty rotten about that (decent game, but I shouldn't have bought it). I'm not trying to reel in pity from anyone, I'm just saying that it sucks to be poor. All I play is Minecraft. Any of you poor?

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Blog About Dubstep

It's the best thing ever. I think it's the future of music, dog. It's like, you're sitting there, listening to Smash Mouth, then one day you wake up. Why did you wake up? Dubstep.


Think about it.
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Blog About Blogs: Why You All Should Fix Your Blogs

   

No one ever reads them. If they see anything greater than a paragraph, they don't read them. They have no reason to. So many people post shitty blogs that it's just plain stupid to waste their time on what is very likely a complete piece of shit; a piece of shit that will not only waste their time, but make them a little dumber than they were before they gave into boredom and actually started reading.
   

Now, I'm not saying they don't read anything. Of course they do. They skim the first sentence, the second sentence, maybe the next paragraph's first sentence, maybe the very last few words, or maybe they just read the whole post up and down and see if they spot any clever phrases or interesting terms. What they definitely don't do, though, is sit there and read--word-after-word--the entire post.

   
   
But what about the good posts? What about the users that we know to be funny or prone to writing interesting articles? Why do we usually not read those, either? Because this is a video game site, for one. We have the worst attention spans of every single demographic, excepting 4 year-olds and speed freaks. We come here for a couple new videos, some game news, and to see flashy pictures of the upcoming games that make us moisten our seats. We need quick clumps of interesting data that we can consume and satisfy our lust with. We don't want to see anything that isn't a short list of annotated pictures or newly-released game footage with a half-paragraph of text next to it.

   
So at this point, you've established a hate for me--I get that--and you're likely wondering what my answer to this dilemma is, if I'm so clever and all-knowing. What the hell could my amazing solution be that you should all take heed of? Well, it's simple. Your paragraphs need to have content, they need to be at least mostly grammatically correct, and they need pictures: nice lively pictures, all over the fucking place.

   
Well, that last one isn't necessary, but it will usually help out a ton. There's actually one more, and it's both the most important and the easiest to implement. Something that's only reason for not being a mainstay on this site I can only guess boils down to the community's all-too-apparent fear of taking even a small staple from sites like 4chan: make a tl;dr (too long; didn't read). You can use mine for an example.

 
And, a disclaimer: I'm sorry if this sounded offensive, and that wasn't the point. I love the Giant Bomb, and I love the community. I only wish to piece together some advice for those of you who write wonderful blogs, but don't get the attention you deserve. It's very possible that I'm talking to myself here, being the light blogger that I am, but it sure would be wonderful if the right people took heed of this slightly satirical advice.



tl;dr: You guys aren't too great at getting people to read your blogs. Use tl;drs more often. Try harder.


    

Don't be a statistic.
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This is How you Blog About Getting Hit by a Car:

I was just hit by a car on my bike. Actually, it was almost two hours ago, now. I'm not sure if I'm considering it as some horrible ordeal, though, because I don't have a mark on me and I got right back on my bike to finish my mission. What was my mission you ask? CVS before they closed. What was I to get? Cotton swabs.


On the way back from CVS, I realized my bike had a completely bent front wheel, bent sprocket, and bent handle bar. I'm also realizing how there was totally a witness and how I totally could have milked her for all that her rich BMW-giving father was worth. But sometimes you just really need cotton swabs, you know? So I picked up her license plate and yanked open her door. She says, "I - was about to pull over - to help you," then I said "Take this:," gave her the license plate, then said "Just... be a... fucking... better driver," and the shut her door and rode off to CVS, where I changed my shopping list to now include a six pack of beer (they sell alcohol at CVS in California).

So, now I'm sitting here drinking, trying to find a way to take my mind off that stupid fucking cunt. It's crazy, because I fuck with people that honk at me on my bike so bad, yet I let this girl get off with a few dents and scratches on her hood and a missing front plate.

P.S. I'm sober enough to realize that I'm drunk enough to have made this blog incredibly incomprehensible. Feel free to ask what the hell I'm talking about.
P.P.S. This was indeed a legit "I got hit by a car" situation. I had the little white man telling me to walk or "ride" through the crosswalk, she was looking behind her, I was hit at a good 20 miles per hour. I flew into the intersection, and my first concern was if I was about to be hit in the face by the bumper of a speeding car on an incredibly busy street in Los Angeles. Luckily, my panther reflexes in combination with my Kodiak muscles allowed me to resist maximum fall-damage and pop back to my feet. Just thought that needed clarification. For the record, I'm drunk. Thoughts? Tell me how you really feel.
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