Ass-Holding Gentlemen 2:Gaming!

Last time on Ass-Holding Gentlemen


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Gamers. How do you define them? First thing you might think of is that a gamer is a person who plays a lot of games (DUH!). 10 years ago no one that wasn't a gamer knew what gamer or gaming even meant,but it has drastically changed recently,mostly because of the family friendly white miracle machine-the Wii. Then,there is Korea,which with its StarCraft has always been a story of its own,maybe i will talk about it some other time.

Most of the population of the ole' decided that gamers were boys/men that decided to stays virgins for the rest of their life. But then suddenly,the grey (not white :)) miracle machine,and the absolute heavy-weight chapmion of consoles came along-the PlayStation (you though i was gonna say NES ,didn't you?)! Then,all of the sudden,EVERYBODY like the idea of gaming,and the term casual gaming was born. See,because of the original PlayStation,people got into gaming,as it had games for both classic,golden-age of Nintendo VS. Sega,and for those immature fuckwits who found that shit was GAY!!!!1111oneoneone!!!  

The fact is there are a lot of people that play games and that number  is constantly growing! But,alas,it seems gaming isn't quite there yet,some might say because of casual gaming,but FUCK NO! No,its the fact that a few fuckwits occasionally go bananas,and shoot people,and then the population suddenly decides that its because he's been playing GTA IV or Doom 3 or something,while the truth is far away from that. Also there can be TV houses like FOX saying that “mess effect r evl!!!“. Now,we could fix this,but fortunately we never will :)! Why fortunately? Because currently the only way of doing so is going all casual and...that would suck. That is another thing i want to talk about-“Casual“,“Hardcore“,and “h4rdc0r3 d00d“ gamers!

Now,since haven't got lots o' space,i'll just talk about them a little less in depth. The key word here is little :P. Casual gamers have been said to lead us to absolute gaming doom! But,don't worry about it,since those are the same people who said the golden-age of gaming was GAY!!!!1111oneoneone!!!  (so,yeah, the “h4rdc0r3 d00d“ kind -_-). Anyway,casual gamers are the people that ussually play games sometimes on a regular,then not at all,or just whenever they feel like it,these are ussually around 3 to 4 years late to buy a next-gen console or a new PC (if they even do!),and these guys are ussually playing non-violent platformers,sports games and stuff like that!

The next kind are the “Hardcore“ kind. These are your regular-ass gamers,and the notable that is only sort about us—i mean them is that many “Casual“ gamers think they are “Hardcore gamers.

What about “h4rdc0r3 d00d“ kind? Douchebags. That's it! Well,thanks for reading and goodbye :)


Transformers:War For Cybertron review


This is probably the best Transformers game in the last 10-ish years. No,its not based on any of the movies,but the authors made their own stories for the game,with help from Hasbro. As the name suggests all of the battle go on a robot planed Cybertron!

Anyway,Megatron wants to get the Dark Energon,and use it to destroy the Autobots once and for all. The story is told through 2 campaigns-Decepticon and Autobot,and the Autobot campaign is tied to the Decepticon campaign,which is cool idea because there is no revisiting old locations and there is no stupid parallel plots.

The level design is somewhat boring,because there is little color,and its all going on in the same techno vibe. Also,the feeling of being huge is lost,since there are no people here. However,this is all excused by the best thing in any good game-gamplay.

First of all the action is non-stop,which is fucking awesome. The game almost has no empty walk (which is walking from point a to point b with no action or anything just walking). But no,the enemies do NOT respawn.

Also,the special powers and weapons are specific for every individual robot,though you can also pick up big guns from fallen foes and allies. You can even unscrew some turrets and go around with them,which isn't impressive anymore,because it was already done to death after Far Cry Instincts,but its still neat!

Still,the most important (And fun) part is that the game keeps it simple. Because of this jumping is a true joy! And no,there are no dumb jumping puzzles,or empty running,or turning on some cheesy-ass generators...No,its all GONE.

You will never get lost because the levels are linear,but at the same time,not to limited. Finally,there is the freedom of transformation. Yes,you can transform anywhere anytime,without spending some energy,because there is no energy (woooooooooooooooooo)!

The best part is that the controls are great so all of this transforming locking on to targets and stuff like that,is simple and fluid. There is another nice element added in. You never have too much ammo,so you have to save it.

I like this too,because it gives the game some tactics and thinking. Its all really fun. Still,the new transformers kick a lot on the production level,and there transforming is a little bit slower than in the last game.

The Unreal 3 graphics are pretty,but not spectacular. The game doesn't have any sophisticated cut-scene animations,most dialogue is just text,and finally,the game doesn't bring anything new to table.This isn't a game where you will find yourself saying „wow“ a lot,but it isn't meant to be such a game,it was ment to be an afternoon shooting fest and that's pretty much it.

So,to conclude,if you like the transformers,you will certainly like this game,so it gets a 3.5 out of 5.


A Little Bit About Blizzard!


Yep,another new series! This one will be the most informative,and its going to be about,obviously (seeing as this is a gaming website), gaming companies and stuff like that,and this time,its about Blizzard Entertainment!

Who still doesn't know of Blizzard?! Nobody,that's who! Who hasn't played at least one of their games? I sure hope all of you played at least one,because if you didn't....i pity you! Many people will agree that Blizzard is one of the greatest (if not the greatest) company ever,since in the last few years they lost any real competition,mostly because they never failed to respect the rule of not releasing the game until it gets to a desired level of quality,which can often take years.

This kind of rule gives them more free space to do their devilishly awesome games (which are so awesome that it could only be done by selling their soul to the devil! But as with every bussines,Blizzard started fairly small,and grew into a fucking giant year by year,step by step.

Way back in February 1991,Michael Morhaime,Allen Adham and Frank Pearce sold their souls to the devil and created a small gaming development studio named Silicon & Synapse. At that time,they were just porting games to other systems forother companies,but in 1992.,they published and made their first game called The Lost Vikings,a platforming game where you control three vikings named Erik,Baelog and Olaf.

Soon,we got Rock N' Roll Racing for Super Nintendo and Mega Drive/Genesis published by Interplay (which had a lot of popular songs licensed at the time,like Born To Be Wild). Next year we got Blackthorne,Death and Return of Superman,and the game which left a permament mark on the RTS genre,and games in general-Warcraft:Orcs & Humans (published by Davidson & Associates)! They also changed their name to Chaos Studios,but after they saw that there was already a company called Chaos Studios,they changed their name to Blizzard Entertainment.

Now,you all know what followed,and fast forward today and i fucking hate Blizzard until they publish Starcraft 2 and Diablo 3 :P


Controller versus:360 controller VS. DualShock 3

Lets start this off with ergonomy shall we?


By this,i don't also mean the quality of the buttons,but just how the controller feels like in your hand. They're both pretty much the same size,and ergonomy. However the 360 controller is sorta kinda better,due to the trigger buttons having dents in them and for that reason you have a place to put your finger on,and chances are,you aren't going to accidentally press the trigger,while with the PS3 controller,that will happen 100%!
Winner:360 Controller

Button Quality

Well,they both have pretty much the same quality of buttons,with one exception. Yes,the very thing that has played the 360 from the beginning-its god awful d-pad! I just can't begin to describe how much it sucks! Fighting games are extremely difficult to play on it,not unplayable,but hard as hell! Also,the PS3's buttons have more of a grip to them!

Button placement

There isn't much philosophy here-the 360 wins due to the analog stick being placed on top of the d-pad,and it makes playing FPS and such games much easier!
Winner:360 controller
And now for the final category....


Well,while the DualShock 3 is definitely more sleek,there is also a lot of colors you can get the 360 controller in. Still,the DualShock 3 looks next-gen,and is the definite  winner in this category
Hmmm...First the 360 won,then the PS3,then 360 and now PS3.....
So,what is it? Their practicality! I guess the PS3 is sorta better,since its smaller,lighter and all models are wireless and not just some...
So i guess the DualShock 3 wins! Keep in mind its only my opinion!

Ass-Holding Gentlemen:Diagnose

Yep. Another new series. Hip hip motherfucking hooray..... Oh,and also check out my logo i will be putting in front of text:

 Ass-Holding Gentlemen's club :D
 Ass-Holding Gentlemen's club :D

Anyway,have you ever wondered in what category of gamers you fit in? Well,this brief article is here to tell you....
Newbie-Often a new guy in a certain game,but can also be a new guy in the world of gaming in general. In both cases treat this kind of gamer with a lot of patience,let him show what he's got,give him advice,and most importantly,don't laugh at him if he does something dumb,which he will without a doubt do multiple times. With his dumbshitness in a game,he will piss you off,but if you see he wants to learn don't give up on him! The newbie phase is fairly short,so just be patient-who knows,you just might get bested!
-The "noobness" of a gamer is a character retardation manifested in communication with other gamers online,but its also very obvious in real life,unless of course the guy that watches a noob isn't a noob himself. A noob will always see himself as a master that never makes mistakes,and anybody that kills him is hacking. A noob is extremely loud, younger that 16 years old,doesn't take other people's advices,story in games is an unknown thing for them and he shows zero intention of fixing his attitude. In short-he is dumb.
Gamer Vulgaris-An ordinary gamer
Elitist-An extremely hated kind in the gaming word,and for a good reason. Elitist share some similarities to noobs,but they have a completely different interest. While a noob is a screaming idiot,elitist are more intelligent gamers,that focus on a genre or more often a single game,and what they play they lead to special efficiency,expecting for their hard work to be recognized and awarded,and even expecting the rest of the population to act like them. Most elitist are in MMO games and FPS games
Pro Gamers-Professional players are...special. Some might call am idiots who can't do anything but play games. Since they are so good at it they find sponsors,compete in tournaments and live by doing that. Some even leave school for gaming which,i hope you will agree,is retarded.
Fanboy-One the most irritating kinds of gamers,which don't know how to talk right with normal people. If you start arguing with them in real life-slap that bitch!
No-Lifers-Video game addicts,that mostly won't admit they are a part of this category,even despite all of the symptoms. Since this is all triggered by some sort of problem (sometimes not even related to games),removing of that problem would get them to come out of their cave.
Hope you enjoyed reading ;)

Hardware:The History of handhelds


Yes a new series :D
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Today,when we're surrounded by multiple systems for handheld gaming and even more mobile phones which are capable of running more than OK games,its hard to beleive that just 10-ish years ago handheld gaming was a very rare thing.

The early years

Hadnheld gaming started way back in 1977,when Mattel decided to get videogames out of the arcades. Mattel presented series of handhelds,which all consisted of one game,based on the LED technology. There was a lot of these things so there is Baseball,Football,Basketball,Missile Attack,Armor Battle,Sub Chase and the list goes on.......

That kind of system of designing wasn't very efficient,so the compay Milton Bradley decided to make the first handheld that used cartridges. The console Microvision appeared in 1979 and had a screen with 16x16 pixel resolution.

Unfortunately the screen was shitty,and the cartirdges were very easily destroyed so the console was never famous. Nintendo got in the handheld bussines with their line of handheld named Game & Watch which followed the same concept as Mattel's handheld of one console=one game.

As the name suggests it also had the feature of a clock and alarm clock,but what mattered were the games. Nintendo made a few tens of these with many different games. The older ones among you might remember Donkey Kong which was extremely popular,and it was also the birthplace of Mario and Zelda.
The failure of the Microvision was apparently pretty impressive since for 5 full years nobody dared to make another cartridge based console! The Epoch Game Pocket Computer or the EGPC was a console that appeared in Japan in 1984 and used cartridges all...5 of them?! The games were played on an LCD screen with a 75x64 resolution. Unfortunately the EGPC failed just like the Microvision.
The next one we can call the biggest success in the history of handhelds-the Game Boy! The Game Boy got to the market in 1989 and it was the first successful cartridge-based handheld,there were certainly better selling handhelds but the Game Boy was still a revolutionary system,if it wasn't for him game & watch styled stuff would still be a common thing!

The reign of Nintendo begins!

  Compared to the competition,the Game Boy was technologically inferior,but its low price and Tetris were tempting enough for both the consumers and the developers. It was the beginning of the rule that games define a console,not its hardware. There was also the Atari Lynx made by Epyx and Atari,but it failed just like NEC'S Turbo Express 
The beggining of the 1990's was the golden age for the handheld industry,because a fourth player was coming-SEGA. SEGA succeeded at what Atari and NEC failed at,and that is make a worthy competitor to the Game Boy,and they actually made two! First was the Game Gear which was successful,but it didn't even rock Nintendo's both,and the same was with the SEGA Nomad (A handheld Genesis).

Internet slowly coming to handhelds

In 1997,Tiger Electronics presented their handheld-the (which you read as gamecom) which introduced "teh interwebz" to handhelds which was getting more and more popular,unfortunately its shitty screen only allowed for checking mail and text surfing. There was no online play,so the console failed miserably,but it showed where the handheld market will go.
The Neo-Geo Pocket was Nintendo's next challenger but it had a black & white screen and frankly,it sucked! At the same Nintendo launched their first console with color,the Game Boy Color,compatibility with older Game Boy titles meant automatic success! In 2001,Nintendo launched their next big hit-the Game Boy Advance,and unsurprisingly it was also a major hit.In the following years there was also the Advance SP,and Micro with equal success. Since there was a lot of money involved in all of this handheld business there was a lot of competitors wanting a piece of the handheld cake!
The first one was Nokia with its N-Gage,which failed, know what,it would take me a fucking book to describe why this thing was a piece of shit! There was also the Gizmondo,which also failed,and the today's PSP,which was the only successful one! 
We can only see what comes next,but whatever it is,it better be good!
 P.S. Could someone make a better logo?

Video game movies could be good

Yea, i know I'm shocked too! A story based on an epic adventure about awesomeness could actually be turned into a good movie? SHOCKING! How? Well simple. But first, let’s take a look at the two routes a movie can go: the first route AKA the Hitman: Agent 47 route and the second route aka the Final Fantasy 7: Advent children route.

The first route is the harder one, and it requires making something very different, with only the extremely basic stuff being the same, with the rest being a new story and stuff like that. This can also serve as a new story that could further advance the game's story,and it could serve as a prequel to the original,but we will,well actually I will get to that later!
So,about the Hitman route,you see Hitman grossed fairly well,due to explaining everything to you,and explaining stuff that the fan already knows,and for that reason doesn't want to watch it so he,you know,doesn't. This way it can serve as an advertisement for people who never played Hitman,and might try and get into it. Now,you might say that it has no point,but again,it COULD use as advertisement,and as someone who never played Hitman i enjoyed watching Hitman:Agent 47,and it actually made want to buy Hitman:Blood Money which i enjoyed! Because this is a first and foremost gaming website most of you,if not all of you,will disagree with me!
Then there is the second route which is (much) easier,do to just being MAD EFFING FAN SERVICE! There isn't much needed to explain and you just need to make very little stuff up,but here is the bummer,and the reason these movies don't get made very often: they are rarely successful! For that reason,most movies take the Hitman route and fail,with only a few actually doing it right.
Now here is something i have been thinking about for a couple of years-what if they made a mixed franchise? What i mean by that,what if they make a movie and instead of making a shitty game adaptation,a year or two later,they make a sequel to the movie in the form of a game or vice versa! Then maybe they could make an expansion pack/DLC that would further the story in the form of a 50 to 60 minute movie!

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Because video game movies could be good :)
So that was my extremely short blog,and i hope you enjoyed reading :D!


Hello people of GiantBomb! :D

Hi guys! I am Mr. Hold on to your asses :P!
Seriously though i like just found this website looked at a thread i only realized that luchazine,whatever the fuck that is,has no pants!
So,what should,what should i check out and stuff like that?