You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You wake up in an unfamiliar room, there is a door to the north and to the east.
Stranger: Hm...
Stranger: I stand up
You: As you stand up you feel a great amount of pain in all your extremities. It appears you have been taken here against your will.
Stranger: Hm...
Stranger: I cast detect magic
You: You raise your hands above your head and rotate your fingers counter-clockwise. You soon realize that you do not possess the ability to cast magic.
Stranger: Hm...
Stranger: I walk to one of the doors and open it
You: Unable to choose which door to walk through, you accidentally walk face first into the wall between both doors. You are now dizzy and suffering from a nose bleed.
Stranger: Am i wearing clothes?
You: You ask yourself if you're wearing clothes and instead of pondering any longer you look down at yourself. You are wearing a leather tunic and cloth pants. Your bare feet are covered in dirt.
Stranger: Alright...I sit down until i stop feeling dizzy and put my hand over my nose to stem the bleeding
You: Your nose ceases to bleed and the dizziness subsides. You hear footsteps approaching from the east door. What do you do?
Stranger: I wait facing the east door
You: You hear the footsteps come progressively closer. The door opens and there appears a large bald man with what looks like the corpse of another person slung over his shoulder.
Stranger: I say "Hello."
You: The man does not respond. You see a sense of lust and wanting in the man's cold, soulless eyes. He drops the body to the ground and runs towards you.
Stranger: I wait
You: The man easily catches you as you stay motionless. You are brutally raped and murdered, your adventure has come to an end.
You have disconnected.    

 You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You're standing in a cold dark room, the smell of mildew emanating from the cold dungeon walls.
You: There is a door to the north and to the east.
Stranger: Go east
You: You encounter a sarcophagus, the dust still lingers on it's gold emblazoned front.
Stranger: Sniff dust
You: As you inhale the centuries old dust your head begins to spin and you fall backwards unconscious.
You: You wake up hogtied in a bandit camp.
Stranger: Cut rope
You: You struggle and writhe and manage to free yourself with a dagger hidden in your boot.
Stranger: Throw dagger
You: The dagger flies through the air and cuts through a tent. The sound of a body hitting the ground is followed by the screams of several men. You are now being chased.
Stranger: Use telekinesis
You: You place one hand on your temple and wave the other at the bandits closing in. After several seconds you realize that you do not possess the power of telekinesis. You are brutally raped and murdered. You have reached the end of your adventure.
You have disconnected.    

  I can't wait to have children. I keep running through these scenarios in my mind and it's just making me really anxious for the future. First and foremost I would have to legally change my last name to Awesome. Ideally I would have a boy named Freakin' and a girl  named Totally. I can't wait to bond with them, no longer will I have to rely on internet message boards to grief people, I can just go into the next room and bug my kids. 
 
Let me paint you a word picture. It's Friday night and my wife (who's totally hot) are going out for dinner. I leave the kids alone despite their protests that they're only seven and nine years old. (Freakin' is the oldest) In truth, I plan to come back twenty minutes later dressed in a ski mask, pretending to break into the house. I figure 40 minutes is enough time for them to start believing that they'll be alright without adult supervision. Once this false sense of safety has sunk into their tiny little child brains, I'll strike. A tap on the glass, a knock on the door, little things at first. A call from my cellphone, a conversation in which they ask who is calling and I respond only by breathing heavily into the phone before finally asking if they're home alone. After about a half hour of this mental torture I'll finally pretend to have picked the lock to the front door open and will then begin chasing the little ones all around the house while wearing my black ski mask and clutching a prop knife in my hand. This will teach the kids a valuable lesson; call 911 when trouble is afoot, don't go crying like little babies, which I'm sure they will.  
 
Hopefully this dream will become a reality in the near future. Maybe in a few years, in between announcements of 4D gaming and the establishment of the church of Gerstmann, I'll be writing a blog here at giant bomb dot com, talking about how I've finally become the totally awesome dad of my dreams and how my kids definitely didn't turn out scarred for life and incapable of forming normal human relationships because of a traumatic incident that they may or may not have experienced during their childhood...when I still had custody.