By InternetDotCom 19 Comments
Hey I'll pretend Raw was live. and write some words here. I'm writing them as I go along since I didn't read the spoilers. It might also just turn into more of a state of things.
38 weeks ago Zack Ryder couldn't get on Superstars, on a show that featured matches that week like Tyler Reks vs Chris Masters. Up until that point the list of Ryder career achievements was a tag championship run no one remembers, a Slammy for "Most Annoying Catchphrase", getting thrown over the top rope by the Undertaker at Wrestlemania and retiring Tommy Dreamer from ECW.
38 weeks later Cena stood in the middle of the week and hyped Ryder up for a main event tag match on a Raw that is in the plot line with the main event of Survivor Series. Ryder's is finally starting to break down the idea that if creative has nothing for you it isn't a death sentence. And all the wrestlers who "shoot" after they are fired about never getting a chance are now starting to look even worse than they always have.
Ziggler vs Morrison: Hey these guys are really good
Ziggler through years of having the best match almost every night is making everyone forget about the male cheerleader who became the guy who introduced himself to everyone. Everyone has already even forgotten about those two weeks where he looked like Evan Bourne's older brother. And even that one PPV where he made gay jokes at Pat Patterson for approximately 16 1/2 hours. Ziggler looks ready to drop the US Title and win his
first second World Title soon.
Morrison has gone downhill. Whether they are down on him for a perceived lack of microphone skills, a still ailing neck injury, or his crazy girlfriend Melina being crazy and doing crazy people things. Besides Zack Ryder's dad everyone seems to be down on the man though. There is always room for a Shelton Benjamin role of someone to put in a gimmick match so they can do a stunt that someone will put on youtube to Linkin Park music. They are putting this streak over as a mental problem with makes me only hope that there is a segment where he travels into an actually Palace of Wisdom and gets advice from a Shaman of Sexy
Morrison grabbed a win in a fantastic TV match between two people that would expect nothing else from. Hopefully this means Morrison gets to move back up from the gutter and this leads to Ziggler dumping Vickie and moving straight to the top. Now let's get some wins for Trent Baretta and I will be fully happy.
Mason Ryan vs JTG: Wait what?
This match is happening on Raw?
Mason Ryan .... Wait I mean Mason Ryan sorry easy joke. He can pick people up and has muscles in places that most of us don't have places. If you are looking for a really generic song to pump you up, you may want to download his theme. Or search through GarageBand samples.
Fun Fact though: I really have a CM Punk Best in the World Shirt autographed by him
If for some reason you are in a betting pool where you bet on which WWE Superstar will be fired next you may want to pick up JTG. Ever since the break up of Cryme Tyme and the firing of Shad, JTG has floating in a a Funaki Dimension of never doing anything but somehow not being fired yet. Unless you count NXT as doing something, but NXT is its own dimension.
If you, for some reason, bet on a pre-taped episode of Raw for JTG to upset Mason Ryan then you were quite wrong as Mason Ryan's big muscles won out over JTG's Timberland wrestling boots.
Alberto Del Rio vs Kofi Kingston: Or How to Gloss Over Evan Bourne's Suspension
If you don't follow the fine world of wrestling journalism sites that end with z's, Evan Bourne was suspended for failing a drug test right in the middle of tag team title run with Kofi Kingston. Since they are rebuilding the tag division it seems wise to keep the belts on the only tag team they really have, unless they could make anyone care about the Uso Brothers right now. Maybe by the time Bourne is back they will get another theme to go with their pyro/jump in ring entrance that is all sorts of awesome.
This would have been a fine match to let Kofi Kingston have a great solo match with the WWE Champion. Instead it is being used to build up Alberto Del Rio as a stronger champion it seems, seeing how by the time I typed this the match was over. I'm not sure if Kofi even lasted as long as JTG did in the last match. Remember that one time Kofi Kingston put Randy Orton through a table at MSG then destroyed his NASCAR? No neither do I.
It is always weird when going into a PPV when the main focus of the build isn't for a WWE Championship match. Del Rio is a fine champion that we can hopefully forget lost it to John Cena for seemingly just number padding reasons. CM Punk has been CM Punk as of late, anyone who was expecting him to come out every week, sit in the ring and wish death upon Vince McMahon.
These two work great together even when they are just standing there talking to each other. One of my favorite aspects of Del Rio is that overly ridiculous disgusted face he has whenever someone has the gall to insult him. It fits perfectly with CM Punk looking at the crowd when someone says "Nobody likes you Punk!"
Ricardo Rodriguez is currently perfect in his role of ending every segment with Del Rio eating someone's finisher. As much as I wish it would last forever, I have to wonder how long can Ricardo logically just take this without attempting to strike Del Rio, work for someone else or worst option of all end up getting fired because his role got too dependent on being with Del Rio.
The All-American American American American Jack Swagger vs Royal Rumble Runner-Up Santino Marella
"Last Week I Lost to a Muppet (eye twitches)."- Jack Swagger
Jack Swagger is such a goofy human being. Some combination of his lisp, his crazy running style, and his ability say WOCKA WOCKA with a straight face. The biggest mistake they have made for Swagger was the instantaneous change from full of swagger (get it?) push up doing, and silly lines to straight face Jericho clone attempt after he won the World Heavyweight Championship.
Santino Marella is still over some how. I stopped caring about him around the time his relationship with Beth Phoenix centered around his "twin" sister Santina. The Cobra has evolved into a less exciting version of the Worm. When Scotty 2 Hotty did the worm it often made no sense, it was often done in matches Too Cool lost, but no matter what the crowd lost control in anticipation as Scotty hopped on one foot across around the ring. The same has happened to Santino with the Cobra but it has not taken off as much.
This match was another expected outcome of allowing Swagger to quickly recover from his Beaker related loss last week. It worked great for a Muppet segment and with this week's win we will likely never remember that Swagger lost that match in the same way we never remembered that time Santino beat Sheamus and just remembered Tea Time instead.
Kellytron 2.0 Finally Made It To... Maxim?
Kelly Kelly is going to be on the cover of Maxim. If you are looking to be a Sex Santa that is also in that issue.
The Divas almost got some build time. Beth and Natayla came out and threatened to make Kelly cry, Kelly said they would be on "National Geographic" for some reason. Then Eve Torres and Alicia Fox came out, and the segment just sort of ended there. A perfectly example of what the Divas division is. They seem to an idea of what they want to do at times, but everything they try is boiled down into these tiny segments. Every thing is done so quickly that it never appears like there is an ultimate point to these segments. Will Eve beat Beth at Survivor Series? Would that mean anything? Will have the crowd be in the bathroom/beer line during that match?
Super Shredder is Here
The problem with Nash using the NWO theme is that theme still gives me bad flashbacks for promo segments. I hear that theme close my eyes and imagine 20 people walking to the ring and watching Hogan, Bischoff, Nash, Hall, Savage, The Giant and many more talk while people like Konnan and Virgil stood around pointing randomly at stuff.
Kevin Nash said he is still the best there is. That he can still become the world champion. I'm sure if it was related to him saying that, but a cold chill ran up my spine when those words came out. Nash was great big man, all opinions about his abuse of power at WCW. His WWF matches with Bret Hart were fantastic. But there is 0 desire to see Nash back in matches, a man who was run down years ago. A man who once tore his quad running across the ring. I'm fine with him being around, but let's not go crazy.
If you are looking for out of context quote of the nigh Nash also said, "You were like a helpless child and I took advantage of you."
David Otunga's Bowtie. The Best Thing the WWE Has Going
David Otunga has finally found his place in the WWE. Out of the ring. There is no doubt David Otunga leaves a lot to be desired in the wrestling ring. Such as ability to wrestle. His best ring work was the sparkly Nexus zip up hoodie he wore on the way to it. Otunga wearing sweaters and talking backstage to the Executive Vice-President of Talent Relations, Interim Raw GM, skateboard rider and undervalued member of the Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 roster John Laurinaitis is the best use of him.
The English crowd not deserving NXT 4 runner-up Brodus Clay was possibly the greatest insult ever. Only to be topped in the segment by Laurinaitis yelling at Del Rio, "DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET" after he threw CM Punk through a table.
The Long Island Iced Z and Superman vs The Guy Who Had a Cameo in Head of State and The Former Diva Search Host
There was a match with the 3 non-Rock members of the main event of a major PPV and the crowd was chanting "We Want Ryder."
The build to this whole main event is bizarre. No matter what they build between Cena, Miz and R-Truth the only care will be the Rock is coming back to wrestle in MSG. It didn't help the Cena took out both Miz and Truth last week by himself. The Cena character has gotten to the point where that isn't shocking when these things happen anymore. When Cena pops to his feet after being beat down for 30 minutes.
This becomes the problem with entire idea of Cena "needing" the Rock. We have seen (last week) Cena overcome double teams and the odds so many times that it seems absurd that he would ever need help.
Crazy R-Truth proves how amazing a simple character change can be for a wrestler. Throughout his WWE run, and even his days as K Kwik Truth has mostly been a rapping smiling bland character. Now that he went crazy it is Truth's best work since he convinced Randy "The Ram" to do cocaine in the Wrestler. For those who don't know in 2 months R-Truth turns 40, and looks hopefully to be on his way to have a great end run similar to what Mark Henry is going through.
Speaking of ages, Ryder is only 26. And has the crowd frenzied around every offensive move he gets off. Ryder in this match works perfectly because Miz and Truth get back what they lost last week, by beating him down. R-Truth held Cena's foot down during the pin, which proves that Miz and R-Truth have to cheat to beat Cena and anybody and that all of Cena's strength is useless when someone holds his foot.
Hey you guys hear the Rock is going to be on Raw next week? The Rock! Yeah that guy!
Overall the problem with this Raw seems to be a problem that will might become constant until Mania. When the Rock is making an appearance around the corner, the WWE seems to stop the world for him. Nothing really moved tonight except Zack Ryder's push. Punk and Del Rio still don't like each other. Mason Ryan still has muscles. Miz and Truth still need help to beat Cena under any circumstances. Nash will touch helpless children. The Divas did something I already forget.
Next Week The Rock leaves his satellites at home and shows up in the ring. There will need to be a heavy heavy lathering of Cena and Rock can't trust each other to make this match... well not a buy. Because it is the Rock wrestling. Maybe they should just say HEY GUYS THE ROCK IS WRESTLING AGAIN and hold out their hands for money.
OH AND THE GOD DAMN IT COLE CHALLENGE DIDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN. WHY WONT THIS JUST HAPPEN AND GO AWAY FOREVER.