I'm getting married a week from Saturday, so my brother threw my a bachelor party. Since I don't believe that it's my last night single (I haven't been single for over 4 years), there were no strippers, clubs, or any of that shit. 

Instead, my wedding party just came out to a cabin in the middle of nowhere that my step dad owns. I live in Wisconsin, and there are some pretty awesome places to go that no one really knows about. We went to a pond which has a huge rope swing hanging from a tree and went off that for awhile. Then we just went back to the cabin, at some food, drank some beer and just chilled. 

The next day, we all went with my dog to a river and canoed for about 4 hours. My dog wouldn't get in the damn canoe, so she just swam next to the canoe for hours until she almost drowned. 

After that, we went to this awseome restaurant on the Mississippi river and ate tons of pizza. This, as you will soon see, ended up being a big mistake. 

We went back to the cabin and one of my friends brought some alcohol that was not beer. Now I don't get along well with hard liquor. I do bad things. But he brought some UV Blue and Mountain Due, and some Captain Morgan and Coke, 

I'm a small guy, 145 lbs. to be exact. Within 20 minutes, I drank half a bottle of Captain Morgan, no Coke. That was at midnight. Next thing I knew, it was 11 AM of the next day. I woke up, and there was carnage. Here's some things I noticed:

1) I was wearing completely different clothes, and no underwear. 

2) I smelt like puke.

3) The tire on my car was flat. 

4) My dog had puke all over her. 

5) A sturdy chair had been broken.

So apparently I puked 16 times that night. Yup, all that delicious pizza I had just eaten was all over the yard. Also, I guess I purposely aimed at my dog, and puked on her head. She will never forgive me. Also, my brother and one of my friends had to change me because I decided to puke right into my lap multiple times. And I guess I attempted a drunk dropkick onto the chair, to no avail. All it did was bust my ass and the seat of the chair which I have to pay for. No one knows why my tire went flat. 

And apparently, when I get drunk, I repeat a lot of lines from old movies. I kep saying "I have a drinking problem", and then would proceed to throw water on my face (it's from Airplane). Then I would credit my unfunny joke to some other random movie such as Office Space or Spaceballs. 

And lastly, I ended up with the worse hangover of my life, puking a total of 16 times the night of, and 18 times the day after. 

So that was my lame bachelor party.