Good Games that Cheat, Vol. 2
By lordgodalming 11 Comments
Welcome back. For those of you who missed Vol. 1, Good Games that Cheat is a little editorial feature that calls out the bullsh*t sections of some truly great games, both old and new. This time we’ll start with old.
Gradius III
Release Date: 1989 (JP)
Platform: SNES
Where it cheats: The Beans
I picked up a Super Famicom a few months back (I currently live in Japan), and I snagged a copy of the classic Gradius III for 400 yen (about $4.00). My favorite SHMUP of all time is a little PC gem called Xenon 2, but Gradius satisfyingly scratches the old-school twitch-gaming itch with aplomb. That is, until the Beans.
What a stupid name for a game-breaking enemy. Late in the game, the Beans suddenly attack in crisscrossing patterns over the whole screen, guaranteeing that whichever direction you’re shooting, it’s the wrong one. In a game that harshly penalizes even one death by taking away all of your hard earned power-ups, the Beans—or “magical fruits,” if you will—ruin an otherwise delicious feast of a game the same way your uncle’s farting ruined Christmas dinner that one time.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Release Date: 2011
Platform: PC, PS3, X360
Where it cheats: The path to the final boss *SPOILERS*
Even though I’m more of a JRPG guy, I still found a lot to like about Skyrim. I liked how the game continually offered quests and locations that were right at or *just* above my level for the first three fourths of the campaign. I also liked when, at about 45 hours into the game, my character hit Level 30 and was suddenly a crazy unstoppable Obsidian-clad badass.
But after a sort of drawn out endgame quest that allowed me to ride a dragon (awesome!) to the last boss’s lair, suddenly I wasn’t a badass at all. The path to the final confrontation is just a long, snowy chute crammed with mobs of the toughest enemies in the game. Even the Souls games don’t provide the same hilarious frustration of watching four skeleton lords jostling to “shout” down at your wiggling corpse for the 20th time in a row. Give me the giants any day. At least they can give you a bird’s eye view of Skyrim.
Final Fantasy IX
Release date: 2000
Platform: PS1
Where it cheats: Ozma
Everyone knows about the Grand Dragon hiding in the forest near the beginning of the game that can KO your whole party in a single move, but that’s not cheating. Just level up for a couple dozen hours and the Grand Dragon becomes your plaything. Ozma is different. He’s basically the only optional Superboss in FFIX, and he’s a real pill.
As you can see to the right, Ozma is a big, sparkly marble, and he hits fast and hard, inflicting every status in the book. And guess what, if you are protected against a negative status like poison or confuse, Ozma won’t bother casting it. He’ll just use Meteor or the unblockable LV5 Death instead! Oh, he also randomly casts full cure on himself.* There is a way to drain his MP so he can’t use magic, but doing so requires that you fully level the character Quina, so screw that. Screw Quina and screw Ozma. Say what you want about Omega from FFV or Emerald from FFVII. To me, Ozma is Squaresoft cheatery at its worst.
And that’s it for Volume 2. I welcome all civilized comments, even if they’re to tell me I’m terrible at video games or I’m not using the word “cheat” correctly. See you next cheat.
*Special thanks to the FFIX Wiki for reminding me what a cheating d*ck Ozma is.
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