martellus

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Giant Bomb Keeps it Classy

Never let it be said that Giant Bomb users aren't classy, mature individuals. I mean, look at these totally respectful and not at all disturbingly erotic image galleries. So join me as we make our way through the disturbingly detailed erotic underworld of Giant Bomb! I warn you, there shall be many temptations of the flesh seeking to steal you away, but I give you my word that I will try to protect you with a constant stream of condescending, vitriolic attempts at humor.

*UPDATE* since the porn purge, some of this stuff makes less sense, but... eh, i'm to lazy to fix it now.

List items

  • The disturbingly accurate rendering of Rise's camel toe is really what takes <br>

    this over the line from fan art to the sort of drawings you <br>

    find in the serial killer's basement along with the bodies <br>

    that have been surgically altered to look like Yukiko and Chie. <br>

    http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/238/877434-rise_22_thumb.jpg <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/rise-kujikawa/94-6114/fan-art/52-113640/rise_43/51-938807/

  • The best thing about this concept, which would theoretically focus on the <br>

    controversy and social trends that are typified by this trend, <br>

    is that its obviously just a place to post the game-related <br>

    parts of your porn collection.

  • And how many user lists with some variant of "these <br>

    are things that make me laugh on giant bomb because ha ha sex" <br>

    are linked to this page?

  • Two fantastic examples of classy thought here: <br>

    1) Image gallery <br>

    2) "The earliest attempts at recreating the delicate curves of <br>

    VPL using a sine-wave oscilloscope left many a <br>

    computomathmaticist clutching their slide rules in <br>

    dissatisfaction." ...Ok, that is a pretty good innuendo.

  • There are a total of 353 pictures in the Mai's image <br>

    gallery. How many pictures are in the gallery for <br>

    possibly the best known character in the history of <br>

    video games; 436... Mario only has 83 more images than <br>

    Mai. Mario. Fucking. Mario.

  • I'm so proud of the fan art in the gallery for <br>

    this page! its... OH MY GOD WHATTHEFUCK!?

  • WHY IS THIS PAGE SO DETAILED!?

  • Well, I mean, you can just tell from the header image <br>

    that this is a classy game about respecting woman and <br>

    treating them as more than sex objects.

  • the words "young man-slut" are enough to make this point. <br>

    But, seriously, I just want to take this time to explain why <br>

    these games are included. You see, there is a valid point to <br> be made that as a database for all video game information, it is entirely <br>

    appropriate for even the most disturbing hentai games to get <br> a page and a few images in their galleries. So i'm not just pointing out <br>

    every hentai game on the site. the ones on this list are here <br> because their information sections or image galleries are large enough that someone <br> obviously treats this game with enough reverence to have <br> A) played it, B) gone through and taken a ton of screenshots for it, <br> and C) considered plot and game-play details for it for long enough <br> to write an article on it.

  • And another falling into the,"I am uncomfortable with how detailed this is" category is a game <br> page that for some reason has a plot summary of the game AND a character section complete <br> with a picture of a girl dressed like a Nazi!!! I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH <br> THAT THIS IS THE HIGHT OF MATURITY AND APPROPRIATE ALLOCATION OF SPACE WITH <br> REGARDS TO VIDEO GAME RELATED TOPICS, AND NOT AT ALL EXPLOITATIVE OR OFFENSIVE.

  • oh sure, thats fantastic. Look at this page; its not that bad because it somehow manages to keep it in its pants <br> and not have the header image be a picture of heaving breasts. Plus, the article content is actually <br> pretty insightful. But guess what! Someone went through Splatterhouse and screen-capped all the <br> naked chicks just for Our (read:his) viewing pleasure! <br> Isn't that gentlemanly of him? (Hint: the answer is no) <br>

    P.s. Guess what, just because its a dude being humiliated by his nudity instead <br> of a girl, that doesn't make it any better. plus, you will note that while <br> it constitutes an important addition to the database to include pictures of <br> girls with their breasts hanging out, male anatomy is not relevant. Ever. <br> Not even the senator from the GTA4 DLC, which was actually a pretty <br>significant step forward for video game nudity. Can you guess why?

  • This game's article section is one line. There is only one picture in its <br> image gallery. Why is this game on this list? <br> Its because someone is interested enough in it to know that it is supposed to <br> come out in Q2 2011. This implies that there is at least one person on this planet that is actively anticipating the release of this game. <br> Are we, as a species, going to allow that sort of depravity to exist? What happens if that person <br> is able to conceal their twisted genetic predisposition for the stupidest <br> game ever long enough to reproduce (presumably asexually)? I'll tell you what <br> will happen my friends; it will mean that the human race truly is beyond saving.

  • This is a drawing of Cortana where she appears to be pleasuring herself: <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/c28__dress_rehearsal_by_mdv1/51-887195/ <br>

    This is Cortana in what I can only describe as the anal sex pose: <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/index_in_your_pocket__by_davsc_1_/51-873678/ <br>

    This is Cortana in the process of being violated by tentacles: <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/6f6980f42a63b390/51-887175/ <br>

    This is Cortana experiancing post-coital bliss in the arms of... someone weird: <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/a_romance_by_creativeimages/51-887188/ <br>

    This is cortana in poorly drawn bondage: <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/cortana_tickled_by_ravendrakil/51-887258/ <br>

    This is apparently what it looks like when you try to be sexy after your spine <br> is removed: <br>

    http://www.giantbomb.com/cot__22_/51-874356/ <br> <br>

    This is my nose bleeding as my brain hemorrhage starts to become noticabbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

  • Take a look at the titles of the forum posts in the recent news section. <br> Thats right: there is a 'bush' pun, and then the word 'snigger' is written out. <br> Ladies and gentlemen; the Internet. Also, this is the DoA: paradise page. <br> I'm not brave enough to find something specific.

  • Oh good! The system requirements are provided so that I can be sure to get a <br> top quality experience out of my pornography games! Oh no! Looks like I'm gonna <br> have to upgrade my sound card!

  • Do you know how many pictures of Tali there are? The answer is 508. <br> Do you know how many pictures of Tali and Shepard getting intimate I found? Lots. <br> Do you know how many hours of therapy it will take for me to get rid of these images? <br> Its a trick question, because they will always haunt my nightmares.

  • There is a list associated with this page called "the high council of spellbinding <br> booty." This is a thing that really exists. <br> <br> Because Giant Bomb is a classy place.

  • Oh Zelda, you would never allow your reputation to be tarnished by sick <br> fans who only wish to pleasure themselves to you. <br> You are a paragon of all that is-http://www.giantbomb.com/princess_zelda_by_takilmar/51-834538/ <br> oh i fucking hate everything.

  • Fortunately there are some Characters that we can trust to always remain <br> a bastion of decency and chaste purity. Tifa is not one of those characters.

  • Awwww... Look at da cute wittle bunny! Iz sooo cute! Awww, look at its <br> wittle ears, and its- OH GOD! WHAT MADNESS COMPELS SOMEONE TO DRAW <br> CREAM THE RABBIT IN LINGERIE?!?

  • Hmmm... I wonder why Lara Croft has a gallery of 607 images? Lets find out, shall we? <br> Actually, no. You can go find out. I need to go lie down.

  • Oh. Look at that! you know what, the thing is, i don't even care <br> about the pathetic fact that someone put this game on giant bomb. <br> This game is on here because anything that can ever be affiliated <br> with it is automatically debased and stripped of its <br> dignity. This is puerile and pathetic. And that trailer? that is <br> probably the closest to having syphilis you can get. This is the <br> video game equivilent of a sexual predator. This game makes me <br>physically ill. It makes me want to find the developers, and the <br> marketing department for this game and hurt them. Thanks you guys!<br> you have just vindicated every condescending stereotype anyone has<br> ever had about video games. <br> <br>

    And as to the trailer, if I wanted to see a couple pretend to enjoy<br> the most awkward foreplay in the history of the world, I would have<br> just asked my girlfriend if we could try it in a room with a <br>mirror.