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Giant Bomb Keeps it Classy

Never let it be said that Giant Bomb users aren't classy, mature individuals. I mean, look at these totally respectful and not at all disturbingly erotic image galleries. So join me as we make our way through the disturbingly detailed erotic underworld of Giant Bomb! I warn you, there shall be many temptations of the flesh seeking to steal you away, but I give you my word that I will try to protect you with a constant stream of condescending, vitriolic attempts at humor.

*UPDATE* since the porn purge, some of this stuff makes less sense, but... eh, i'm to lazy to fix it now.

List items

1. Rise Kujikawa

The disturbingly accurate rendering of Rise's camel toe is really what takes 
this over the line from fan art to the sort of drawings you 
find in the serial killer's basement along with the bodies 
that have been surgically altered to look like Yukiko and Chie. 
http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/238/877434-rise_22_thumb.jpg 
http://www.giantbomb.com/rise-kujikawa/94-6114/fan-art/52-113640/rise_43/51-938807/
2. Sexualized Women

The best thing about this concept, which would theoretically focus on the 
controversy and social trends that are typified by this trend, 
is that its obviously just a place to post the game-related 
parts of your porn collection.
3. Dildo

And how many user lists with some variant of "these 
are things that make me laugh on giant bomb because ha ha sex" 
are linked to this page?
4. Panties

Two fantastic examples of classy thought here: 
1) Image gallery 
2) "The earliest attempts at recreating the delicate curves of 
VPL using a sine-wave oscilloscope left many a 
computomathmaticist clutching their slide rules in 
dissatisfaction." ...Ok, that is a pretty good innuendo.
5. Mai Shiranui

There are a total of 353 pictures in the Mai's image 
gallery. How many pictures are in the gallery for 
possibly the best known character in the history of 
video games; 436... Mario only has 83 more images than 
Mai. Mario. Fucking. Mario.
6. Samus Aran

I'm so proud of the fan art in the gallery for 
this page! its... OH MY GOD WHATTHEFUCK!?
7. X-Change

WHY IS THIS PAGE SO DETAILED!?
8. Bible Black -La Noche de Walpurgis-

Well, I mean, you can just tell from the header image 
that this is a classy game about respecting woman and 
treating them as more than sex objects.
9. The Sagara Family

the words "young man-slut" are enough to make this point. 
But, seriously, I just want to take this time to explain why 
these games are included. You see, there is a valid point to be made that as a database for all video game information, it is entirely 
appropriate for even the most disturbing hentai games to get a page and a few images in their galleries. So i'm not just pointing out 
every hentai game on the site. the ones on this list are here because their information sections or image galleries are large enough that someone obviously treats this game with enough reverence to have A) played it, B) gone through and taken a ton of screenshots for it, and C) considered plot and game-play details for it for long enough to write an article on it.
10. Let's Meow Meow

And another falling into the,"I am uncomfortable with how detailed this is" category is a game page that for some reason has a plot summary of the game AND a character section complete with a picture of a girl dressed like a Nazi!!! I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT THIS IS THE HIGHT OF MATURITY AND APPROPRIATE ALLOCATION OF SPACE WITH REGARDS TO VIDEO GAME RELATED TOPICS, AND NOT AT ALL EXPLOITATIVE OR OFFENSIVE.
11. Nudity

oh sure, thats fantastic. Look at this page; its not that bad because it somehow manages to keep it in its pants and not have the header image be a picture of heaving breasts. Plus, the article content is actually pretty insightful. But guess what! Someone went through Splatterhouse and screen-capped all the naked chicks just for Our (read:his) viewing pleasure! Isn't that gentlemanly of him? (Hint: the answer is no) 
P.s. Guess what, just because its a dude being humiliated by his nudity instead of a girl, that doesn't make it any better. plus, you will note that while it constitutes an important addition to the database to include pictures of girls with their breasts hanging out, male anatomy is not relevant. Ever. Not even the senator from the GTA4 DLC, which was actually a pretty significant step forward for video game nudity. Can you guess why?
12. My Girlfriend is the President

This game's article section is one line. There is only one picture in its image gallery. Why is this game on this list? Its because someone is interested enough in it to know that it is supposed to come out in Q2 2011. This implies that there is at least one person on this planet that is actively anticipating the release of this game. Are we, as a species, going to allow that sort of depravity to exist? What happens if that person is able to conceal their twisted genetic predisposition for the stupidest game ever long enough to reproduce (presumably asexually)? I'll tell you what will happen my friends; it will mean that the human race truly is beyond saving.
13. Cortana

This is a drawing of Cortana where she appears to be pleasuring herself: 
http://www.giantbomb.com/c28__dress_rehearsal_by_mdv1/51-887195/ 
This is Cortana in what I can only describe as the anal sex pose: 
http://www.giantbomb.com/index_in_your_pocket__by_davsc_1_/51-873678/ 
This is Cortana in the process of being violated by tentacles: 
http://www.giantbomb.com/6f6980f42a63b390/51-887175/ 
This is Cortana experiancing post-coital bliss in the arms of... someone weird: 
http://www.giantbomb.com/a_romance_by_creativeimages/51-887188/ 
This is cortana in poorly drawn bondage: 
http://www.giantbomb.com/cortana_tickled_by_ravendrakil/51-887258/ 
This is apparently what it looks like when you try to be sexy after your spine is removed: 
http://www.giantbomb.com/cot__22_/51-874356/ 
This is my nose bleeding as my brain hemorrhage starts to become noticabbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
14. Dead or Alive: Paradise

Take a look at the titles of the forum posts in the recent news section. Thats right: there is a 'bush' pun, and then the word 'snigger' is written out. Ladies and gentlemen; the Internet. Also, this is the DoA: paradise page. I'm not brave enough to find something specific.
15. Discipline: The Record of a Crusade

Oh good! The system requirements are provided so that I can be sure to get a top quality experience out of my pornography games! Oh no! Looks like I'm gonna have to upgrade my sound card!
16. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

Do you know how many pictures of Tali there are? The answer is 508. Do you know how many pictures of Tali and Shepard getting intimate I found? Lots. Do you know how many hours of therapy it will take for me to get rid of these images? Its a trick question, because they will always haunt my nightmares.
17. Miranda Lawson

There is a list associated with this page called "the high council of spellbinding booty." This is a thing that really exists. Because Giant Bomb is a classy place.
18. Zelda

Oh Zelda, you would never allow your reputation to be tarnished by sick fans who only wish to pleasure themselves to you. You are a paragon of all that is-http://www.giantbomb.com/princess_zelda_by_takilmar/51-834538/ oh i fucking hate everything.
19. Tifa Lockhart

Fortunately there are some Characters that we can trust to always remain a bastion of decency and chaste purity. Tifa is not one of those characters.
20. Cream the Rabbit

Awwww... Look at da cute wittle bunny! Iz sooo cute! Awww, look at its wittle ears, and its- OH GOD! WHAT MADNESS COMPELS SOMEONE TO DRAW CREAM THE RABBIT IN LINGERIE?!?
21. Lara Croft

Hmmm... I wonder why Lara Croft has a gallery of 607 images? Lets find out, shall we? Actually, no. You can go find out. I need to go lie down.
22. We Dare

Oh. Look at that! you know what, the thing is, i don't even care about the pathetic fact that someone put this game on giant bomb. This game is on here because anything that can ever be affiliated with it is automatically debased and stripped of its dignity. This is puerile and pathetic. And that trailer? that is probably the closest to having syphilis you can get. This is the video game equivilent of a sexual predator. This game makes me physically ill. It makes me want to find the developers, and the marketing department for this game and hurt them. Thanks you guys! you have just vindicated every condescending stereotype anyone has ever had about video games. 
And as to the trailer, if I wanted to see a couple pretend to enjoy the most awkward foreplay in the history of the world, I would have just asked my girlfriend if we could try it in a room with a mirror.

32 Comments

JJWeatherman

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Edited By JJWeatherman

Parts of me like this list. Other parts of me love this list.

Edit:

I said yes! When's the big day?

13 years ago

natetodamax

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Edited By natetodamax

Ain't nothing wrong with that Rise Kujikawa wiki. It's a work of art, I'd say.

13 years ago

McBradders

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Edited By McBradders

The best list on GB bar none for amusement and horror. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

13 years ago

TehFlan

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Edited By TehFlan

Well, at least Giant Bomb is no Anime Vice. That site's image galleries made me weep for humanity.

13 years ago

Siphillis

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Edited By Siphillis

Amazing what you can find when you look for it.

Also, goddamn is Princess Zelda classy.

13 years ago

NubMonk

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Edited By NubMonk

I know what I'm doin tonight!

13 years ago

Siphillis

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Edited By Siphillis

@NubMonk said:

" I know what I'm doin tonight! "

Making an intellectual pass through Twilight Princess with a glass of red wine and Mozart in the background?

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@Siphillis: See, the implication here is that I looked for this stuff because I am perverted. However, if I wanted to actually masturbate to this sort of thing, I have a magical invention called the internet, which I assume would be much better at providing me images of world leaders re-imagined as Japanese schoolgirls than Giant Bomb would be.
But yes. I did look for this stuff, because I too have seen the "video game babes I would have awkward sex with" lists, and I wanted to make an interesting list. So I made this one. I was the 600 horsemen of the Light Brigade; suffering through the Russian's endless volleys of Cortana porn rendered in colored pencil, so that you may feast on the incredibly uncomfortable, vaguely depressing spoils of this inappropriately complex Crimean war metaphor.

Wait. What was I saying?

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@Siphillis: I'm sorry. that came off as bitter. I just wanted an excuse to make a Crimean war metaphor. No hard feelings?

13 years ago

slowbird

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Edited By slowbird

1. The twisted nature of the items on this list speaks to the immaturity and stupidity of today's youth, and is a sad commentary on the state of humanity as a whole.

2. oh man look at those boobs!

13 years ago

Siphillis

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Edited By Siphillis

@martellus said:

" @Siphillis: I'm sorry. that came off as bitter. I just wanted an excuse to make a Crimean war metaphor. No hard feelings? "

Never. Internet grudges are silly.

I was merely implying the endless cycle of perversion created by this list. You're perverted by doing the research, and I'm perverted for clicking on all the links. See? We're one big family!

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@Siphillis said:

" @martellus said:
" @Siphillis: I'm sorry. that came off as bitter. I just wanted an excuse to make a Crimean war metaphor. No hard feelings? "
Never. Internet grudges are silly. I was merely implying the endless cycle of perversion created by this list. You're perverted by doing the research, and I'm perverted for clicking on all the links. See? We're one big family! "

Yay! comments threads that are nice!

13 years ago

Siphillis

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Edited By Siphillis

@martellus said:

" @Siphillis said:
" @martellus said:
" @Siphillis: I'm sorry. that came off as bitter. I just wanted an excuse to make a Crimean war metaphor. No hard feelings? "
Never. Internet grudges are silly. I was merely implying the endless cycle of perversion created by this list. You're perverted by doing the research, and I'm perverted for clicking on all the links. See? We're one big family! "
Yay! comments threads that are nice! "

Yay! Internet friendliness!

13 years ago

Video_Game_King

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Edited By Video_Game_King

You don't know the half of it.

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@Video_Game_King said:

" You don't know the half of it.
"

Well, I don't know what to say to that, except that now everyone has to die.

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@Siphillis: Yay! so how are you today?

13 years ago

tmthomsen

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Edited By tmthomsen

#10 "Let's Meow Meow" was one of the first wiki tasks, and I took on the assignment for the heck of it. Having never played the game (and by no means intend to), I had to dig up the information elsewhere.

13 years ago

Siphillis

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Edited By Siphillis

@martellus said:

" @Siphillis: Yay! so how are you today? "

I'm feeling extra-classy myself. And you, kind sir?

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@TMThomsen said:

" #10 "Let's Meow Meow" was one of the first wiki tasks, and I took on the assignment for the heck of it. Having never played the game (and by no means intend to), I had to dig up the information elsewhere. "

no need to justify yourself, my good man. We have all done something for giantbomb wiki points that we later regret and/or causes an international incident. Plus (and I cannot believe this is something that i am saying) 'Lets Meow Meow' is probably one of the most mundane things on this list.

13 years ago

martellus

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Edited By martellus

@Siphillis said:

" @martellus said:
" @Siphillis: Yay! so how are you today? "
I'm feeling extra-classy myself. And you, kind sir? "

I'm splendid, my goodly sir, having almost finished a PHIL 301 paper.

13 years ago

Siphillis

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Edited By Siphillis

@martellus said:

" @Siphillis said:
" @martellus said:
" @Siphillis: Yay! so how are you today? "
I'm feeling extra-classy myself. And you, kind sir? "
I'm splendid, my goodly sir, having almost finished a PHIL 301 paper. "

Indeed, that dissertation with regards to the works of Plato and Locke must have proven to be most arduous. Jolly good job with your accomplishments, gent.

Now, if you would be so kind as to excuse me, sir: I must return to my work in the field of Computer Science. A rather grueling undertaking, if I say so myself.

(That was surprisingly hard to write.)

13 years ago

iamjohn

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Edited By iamjohn

What the hell, pal; I didn't say you could look inside my basement! >:|

13 years ago

big_jon

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Edited By big_jon

@TehFlan: Fucking Anime.

13 years ago

TehFlan

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Edited By TehFlan

@big_jon said:

" @TehFlan: Fucking Anime. "

To be fair, they've been doing a lot to clean it up recently.

13 years ago

afrokola

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Edited By afrokola

This list is hysterical, good job sir or madame!

12 years ago

trylks

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Edited By trylks

There are many concepts, games and characters missing.
Soul calibur, dead or alive and other fighting series, will provide many of those.

Oneechanbara, combat bikini, breast bounce, ...

This list hasn't even scratched the surface.

12 years ago

JakeLogan

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Edited By JakeLogan

You're a brave man for stepping up to the plate .......or fliping over the stone to expose the creepy crawlies that are hiding. Which ever metaphor you prefer.

12 years ago

Brackynews

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Edited By Brackynews

Glad you like the Panties page! Gotch-a! ;)

12 years ago

Scrawnto

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Edited By Scrawnto

@TMThomsen said:

#10 "Let's Meow Meow" was one of the first wiki tasks, and I took on the assignment for the heck of it. Having never played the game (and by no means intend to), I had to dig up the information elsewhere.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have 3 wiki points for adding the Dream C Club Zero page. I still don't know what that game is about, though. Now that page has 215 screenshots.

12 years ago

wmoyer83

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Edited By wmoyer83

The answer to the question about Cream the Rabbit. Its because creeper furries are into that kind of thing.

12 years ago

yukoasho

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Edited By yukoasho

How the hell is Zelda here but not Peach?

12 years ago

evilCON

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Edited By evilCON

Damn porn purge.

11 years ago

martellus

This user has not updated recently.

Giant Bomb Keeps it Classy

List items

1. Rise Kujikawa

2. Sexualized Women

3. Dildo

4. Panties

5. Mai Shiranui

6. Samus Aran

7. X-Change

8. Bible Black -La Noche de Walpurgis-

9. The Sagara Family

10. Let's Meow Meow

11. Nudity

12. My Girlfriend is the President

13. Cortana

14. Dead or Alive: Paradise

15. Discipline: The Record of a Crusade

16. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

17. Miranda Lawson

18. Zelda

19. Tifa Lockhart

20. Cream the Rabbit

21. Lara Croft

22. We Dare

32 Comments