Paulrus Spoils a Bunch of Games in List Form

SPOILER ALERT: Paulrus lists spoilers because he's bored.

Come back often, as I try to update this as my horizons expand.

List items

  • Atlas is Frank Fontaine, who controls you with the words "would you kindly". That said, Frank asked me, very politely, to make this list. In a dress. I feel pretty.

  • Aeris dies. Stabbed through the chest by Sephiroth. Type the first words into Google for an unseeable collection of badly made hentai.

  • A Combine adviser kills Eli Vance as you watch helplessly. Gordon Freeman can handle giant alien babies, an entire army, and a train crash but once Newell wants Gordon to be helpless... then all that one-man army bullshit sucks a nut and begs for more.

  • Sheik is Zelda. Your best friends are all sages. Ganon turns into a pig and dies.

  • Tetra is Zelda. Your boat freind is The King of Hyrule. Ganon gets stabbed in the head and dies.

  • Shenmue is a tree. No, seriously. Not a big spoiler but I thought it was stupid.

  • General Shepherd kills Roach. Then burns the body. Asshole.

  • Toad is at the end of the level. He tells you that your the princess is in another castle. Asshole.

  • Samus is a chick. Don't believe me, look at all the fanart on her GB page.

  • Jak and Daxter are in the future. Kor is the Metal Head leader. The kid you save is actually little Jak. Daxter is the punchline of all slapstick scenes in the game.

  • Jak is the son of Damus. The Precursors are all Ottsels. Veger and Tess are turned into Ottsels, spawning a new generation of furry erotica. Be afraid.

  • L is killed by Light. Light is shot by Matsuda. My friend Chris spends the next two years being stalked by fan girls because he vaguely looks like L.

  • Master Chief lasers Guilty Spark in the face. Arbiter stabs the Prophet of Truth. I play Halo 3 for about two more months then switch to Team Fortress 2.

  • The Scout/Solider/Pyro/Heavy/Demoman/Engineer/Medic/Sniper/Spy is a Spy.

  • The zombie virus is the result of some scientists trying to make zombie cows. If you're deaf/have a progressive screen television you probably missed that.

  • The cake wasn't really a lie, but we still got tired of hearing it.

  • Mr. Orange is a cop. But this bit of info shouldn't stop you from watching the movie: it's awesome.

  • Naomi is a bitch, Jack used to be the reigning champion of Deathwatch, Leo is behind everything, the track "Get It Up" is awesome.

  • Fina is a Silvite. So is Ramirez. Belleza kills Galcian then the Silvite Elders kill themselves. Loopers suck.

  • Bill dies. You can find his body by the generator. Then rob his corpse of his M16. There's survival, then there's being a douchebag.

  • Jacob Crow created the TimeSplitters as part of a life-long goal to become immortal. He becomes some weird robotic slug thing because of this. Cortez destroys him and the 'Splitters so the war never happened. Insert arguments regarding time travel and paradoxes here.

  • The Skull Kid turns out to be the one from OoT who you played Saria's Song for. Kafei was turned into a little kid by said Skull Kid. BEN DROWNED.

  • Doom Marine's rampage against the forces of Hell was all for the vengeance of his slain bunny rabbit. Awwww.

  • You kill John Romero. The original was better.

  • Alec Trevelyan is Janus. Hard to tell with N64 graphics but trust me.

  • You play as Raiden for most of the game. You were probably one of the players who turned off the game because of this.

  • Red lives on a mountain. His lack of comments regarding the player's presence there and the fact that he now lives on top of a mountain can suggest that he may have gone slightly mad.

  • Ada takes the Las Plagas sample from Leon after blowing up Sadler with a rocket. Leon and Ashley escape the island on a jet ski. I refuse to believe that Ashley is a B-Cup.

  • Varla Gun's brain is put into a jar by the Warden, who is a literal "motherfucker", the she turns into a giant bitch monster with floppy tits. Warden crawls into her vagina and dies. Issac Washington swears a lot.

  • Amaterasu goes into a spaceship and kills a giant ball of doom. This listing doesn't have a punchline.

  • EBA goes off to fight an alien empire who can only be defeated by music. Saw a Jetsons cartoon that had a villain like that. Grendel from Beowulf doesn't count because he just had a big migraine-vulnerable head.

  • Conker wins by extorting the game's programmer and making Matrix references. Then he becomes king, gets drunk, and wanders off the edge of video game universe. I want a sequel.

  • The Boss blows up after saying the fifth thing he ever said in his life.

  • The Boss topples Ultor by chucking the Shamwow! guy out a window. Nobody blows up.

  • Sly fakes amnesia to leave his life of crime and fuck the detective chick who had made it her life's mission to put him away for his history of stealing stuff. But she wanted to fuck him too anyway so I GUESS it works out. I now pronounce you clever dick and stupid whore.

  • Zant kills Gandondorf. Midna becomes her true form again. She turns out to be very hot in her true form, but that doesn't stop people from making porn of her in her imp form.

  • The fight doesn't finish. The Arbiter learns the Covenant leaders are idiots. Cortana grows boobs.

  • Halo blows up. Chief takes off his helmet as the camera backs away. Cortana has no boobs.

  • King K. Rool boxes all the Kongs and loses. The Gold Bananas return to where they were stolen. If you look very closely one may notice that Candy Kong has boob physics, but I'm the sort of person who would notice shit like that. The multiplayer sucked.

  • Gruntilda falls off her lair and gets trapped under a boulder. Mumbo-Jumbo informs Banjo of all the stuff that Rare took out of the game. In an alternate ending Gruntilda becomes a milf.

  • Gruntilda blows the fuck up. Klungo ate all the party food. The gang fancies a "kick-around."

  • Wizpig realizes the folly of riding a missile "Dr. Strangelove"-style and blows up. IN SPACE.

  • No idea. Never made progress after the last save point.

  • Your ability to play "Free Bird" gets you abducted by aliens. Aliens like Southern rock, I guess.

  • Gordon Freeman goes to Xen and shoots the evil baby thing with the weird name in the brain meats. G-Man reveals that your efforts now makes sure that his superiors control Xen. Then he makes you an offer on an inter-dimensional tram. What is it with Valve and trains?

  • Max/Strong Bad/The Heavy/Tycho goes all in every 10 seconds. Tycho loves hedgehogs. I currently have a total of -$500,000. Tycho really loves hedgehogs.

  • Segue. Sonic goes super and destroys Chaos. Tikal does... something. Big the Cat is the worst Sonic character of all fucking time.

  • Biolizard, which was created by Robotnik's sociopathic father, is destroyed by the power of friendship. Shadow probably burns up in Earth's atmosphere. Rouge has big tits.

  • The climatic battle with General Scales ends with one punch and him turning out to be totally needless for the story. Andross is still alive. Falco comes back at the last minute. Krystal and her loincloth succeeds in turning unsuspecting players into furries. Tricky is still annoying.

  • Goku dies, comes back, and beats the bad guy. In different scenarios for about 10-or-so seasons. Then everyone gets pregnant.

  • A Creeper blows up your house. Every time. Then you go fight a dragon and experience some deep existential shit from a very long wall of text.

  • Quark turns out to be a villain. Despite all the other ones that ended up getting fucked, Ratchet starts giving a shit when his planet is threatened. Asshole.

  • The Thief turns out to be a chick. Quark's plans backfire so he ends up taking up a job testing deviant rape devices. D'Fuck?

  • Dr. Nefarious turns out to be formerly humanoid. Quark helps Ratchet defeat him. Clank remains deadpan throughout the original trilogy.

  • Constable Neyla turns out to be evil. Then she uses the Clockwerk pieces to become "Clock-La". Her powers? The ability to fly, say a bunch of evil stuff, and break the legs of nerdy turtles.

  • Andross blows the fuck up; which causes a surreal climactic battle where you fight his brain and eyeballs. Then Daddy McCloud arrives and saves Fox. He never appears again to either he's a deadbeat or Fox be trippin' balls.

  • Nevan reports the news. Some voice awards you with an Italian sub sandich then mentions something about /b/.

  • The grand pie... thing... gets too close to some spotlights and blows the fuck up. Winterbottom doesn't a learn a damn thing because he's fat and has a hat taller than him.

  • Mr. Armless Arms Dealer comes by to laugh evily at you in slow motion. You shoot him in the head. Then you do something on plane.

  • After performing on top of Apple studios, London is invaded by giant elephants and trippy visuals. The game closes, fittingly, with "The End". Nobody gets shot.

  • Green Day puts out a mediocre cash-in to a very good album. Actually, I don't know what happens in the game but MAN that album sucked.

  • The 'Splitters kill Corporal Hart, who never really did anything for the story other than being a chick. Cortez kills a bunch of 'Splitters then blows up the station. The game really didn't have a deep plot... but it did have zombies.

  • Garcian learns that he, in fact, murdered the other six members of the Smith Syndicate. Then he goes to Battleship Island with glowing eyes to kill some dude that I can't remember because I'm tired and full of Bud Light. Though being Killer7 I don't think I would've been any clearer sober. :\

  • The twist's explanation is fast-forwarded to prevent the game's rating from going any higher. No really, that's pretty much what Jeane says.

  • Mario says a bunch of faux Italian stuff and then throws Bowser into explosive spiky balls of doom. Peach then awards Mario with cake and a kiss on the nose. Who the fuck kisses noses?

  • Same thing, only the other Mario brothers don't get jackshit. Probably because Wario is fat and nobody probably noticed that Luigi was there.

  • Luke and Liea are brother and sister. Darth Vader was once a whiny bitch who made gay robot slaves for his mother. I actually liked Jar Jar Binks and will laugh as your torture me for it.

  • Your character gets the Soul Calibur to do whatever the fuck they want with it. As the series progresses, one may suspect that somebody is using it to make the women's boob sizes bigger and make their clothing incredibly tiny and impractical.

  • Tenchi never fucks any other girls. Probably because they are either underage and/or out of their goddamn minds.

  • In the NES version, a bunch of Nintendo characters play Russian folk music while the Kremlin mysteriously gains rocket thrusters and blasts into orbit. No, really.

  • You battle a giant black man's head on a glowing hovercraft. Once dead, I guess everyone is drug free and happy in your post murderous homeless-killing rampage.

  • GLaDOS is turned into a potato and, curiously, into a tragic villain. Wheatley becomes the new villian, but still remains an idiot with an accent. Cave Johnson is funnier if you imagine him as B.R. from "Thank You For Smoking".

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    Don't make lemonade... SMOKE CIGARETTES!

  • It was all a dream. 30 years later "Inception" would come out and everyone will start making crossovers. Birdo is a transvestite.

  • Tony rebuilds his empire, kills Sosa, and then makes a bunch of references to the movie; the latter in all but one minute. If you press a button he swears. So he's an action figure now.

  • I don't know. Mostly because my arrogance keeps me from giving a damn.

  • Reagan thanks our bromantic heroes by buying them burgers. Haw haw haw.

  • Baby Bowser gets his ass handed to him by a technicolor dreamcoat of Prozac-popping Yoshis. Actually, maybe this weird fantasy world of cardboard box scenery, ultra bright colors, and fruit consumption is all a drug-induced hallucination in Yoshi's head.

  • Bowser takes you to a broken-ass star where you play basically the same game and more minigames that are designed to murder N64 control sticks.

  • Something about Bowser Land. I forgot. What I do remember is that when Toad was dressed as a boat, he was constantly doing pelvic thrusts. Also, I haven't finished the Mini-Game Coaster ever since Mario Party 1 crippled my controllers.

  • The Eternal Star is not the old looking mustachioed dude, but is in fact a white power star. I just totally said 'white power'. Mario Party supports the idea of the master race! OH NOES!

  • I forget. But this was the point where I started asking myself why I was still playing this franchise.

  • Alex Mercer saves New York City by reenacting Dr. Strangelove on a tactical nuke.

  • Alex Mercer doesn't save New York and instead turns into an emo jerk. James Heller then rips off his arms and eats him. Nom nom nom.

  • Meat Boy dies. Then he dies again. Then he dies again. Then he dies again. And again. And again. And again. And ag-WAIT, I MADE IT YES OKAY JUST GOTTA TIME THIS RIGHT AND... ARGHM FUCKING SAWBLADES. And again. And again. And again....

  • Sisyphus rolls his boulder into Cronus' face and is promptly crushed by his corpse.

  • Coach Oleander is behind the stolen brain war machine scheme. Raz' father doesn't really hate psychics. The Meat Circus sounds like the name of a homoerotic porn film. I am the milkman.

  • The Doctor wears a fez now; fezes are cool. He also tries to commit suicide in every episode; I'm certain of this.

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    Brohoofs unicorns cupcakes and FUCK.

  • Every coaster you make has low excitement, ultra-extreme intensity, and extreme nausea levels. Then you give up and just name all your rides stupid names for guest-reaction lulz.

  • The Patriarch shows up and demolishes your team because everyone is a Sharpshooter and the guy with all the money got disconnected from the server. And everyone has the same Cockney voice actor; even the Pyro cameo.

  • You gun down 3/4 of Hitler's personal army, hoards of the undead, abominations of man, corner the fuck and unload an entire clip down that evil, dumb bastard's evil, dumb head. Providing you don't lost for 2 hours per level; can a brother get a map, please?

  • You fling some technicolor birds at a poorly constructed house made of planks and glass. Then go down to the Wal-Mart and stand awestruck at its empire of merchandise, gummy treats, and other assorted objects bearing the image of the Angry Birds. They're like the KISS of the video game world.

  • The Duke blows the fuck out of the Hoover Dam, blows the fuck out of the alien overlord, gets several babes to blow him and various points in the game, tells the President to blow it out his ass, then gets blown the fuck up by a nuke. Then I say some variation of this being a below-average shoot 'em up with a more interesting development history than a interesting execution.

  • You tell me.

  • You crash through some invisible barrier and find your sister. Actually, when I got to this part, I honestly thought the game had restarted back to the beginning, which would've made the game very deep and cerebral, worthy of its title... if not rage-educing to those who had spent their entire weekend trying to get that single-play-don't-die achievement. Providing they hadn't raged from more sawblade kills than a Super Meat Boy session.

  • Your wife is your arm; your argument is invalid.

  • The totally-not-Hitler villian suffers from an extreme case of exploding head syndrome. NINTENDO APPROVED!

  • You drive your Volkswagen New Beetle through a variety of pop culture references and movie sets until you unlock a cop car that breaks the gameplay forever. You're also reminded of a time when Electronic Arts had a soul.

  • We'll probably never know, sadly.

  • Who cares; the fact of the matter is that we got GiantBomb.