I haven't been on here for a while... any OG GB members here still? Was watching some mail bag vids, then ended up watching some R...

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How Stair You

Well, well, well… here I am, finally at the end of the game. I’ve been through a lot these past few hours – I’ve had my mortality played with like a toy and my brain tortured by devious teleportation puzzles, all the while forced to throw myself around like some kind of desperate portal-hopping whore.

Every last semblance of humanity has been stripped away by GlaDOS and her malevolent regime. Even now as I enter the room, I struggle to imagine a way to break free from this tangled web she has spun around me.

Yet as I stand before her, listening to her taunts and petty ramblings, I see her accidentally drop what appears to be an essential part of a broader puzzle. I sense it’s the way out, “But how to use it?” I wonder. I anxiously look around to find the answer, when all of a sudden, I see you…

There you are, comfortably tucked away in the corner. I walk over to investigate you further - you look innocent and somewhat promising as you invite me to another level. I carefully ascend your steps and find that you’ve lead me to a red button, a red button of hope (RBoH). Finally I feel that I can beat GLaDOS, finally the missing piece I’ve been searching for.

As I figure out precisely what needs to be done, I decide using you is the best way to go- I can trust you. But little does my future self know that you will inevitably betray me, leading to my bitter downfall.

For now though, the clock is ticking and there is much to be done in order to survive. I’m empowered by the knowledge that ball by ball, I can destroy GLaDOS piece by piece like she did to me. I grab the first piece and begin to set my trap. I stride towards you, tiny ball held proudly aloft in front of me, and in all my confidence I turn to ascend you along my path to victory.

But all of a sudden I realize things have changed between us. I was only gone for a minute, and yet, instead of a welcome I am met with an unexpected resistance. As I try to climb up you, it seems I can no longer get through. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between us… I try again, maybe I was too forceful? But no - my second attempt yields even more frustrating results, as I somehow end up on the wrong side of the rail.

“Is it the ball? Because if it is, don’t worry - I’m not interested in it, I’ve come to destroy it” But something tells me it’s not. I try to battle my way through again but still you resist me! I begin to feel the frustration build, as pressure mounts and time continues to slip away. Why are you tricking me? Every time you make me think I’m safely on your steps, you betray me! Do you enjoy watching me helplessly fall back to the ground, over and over again?

Was not your purpose to support my ascension? Or have you been created for some other reason? But hold on a second, perhaps you’re not alone in this. Perhaps you’ve been in bed with GLaDOS all along, luring innocent bystanders like me, making us think you are the best way to the RBoH, only to betray us at the last minute.

What’s GLaDOS offering you – it’s the cake, isn’t it?! But what business do you have with cake - you’re a god damn set of stairs! Think about it; just be rational for one minute! If you work with me, I can liberate you from her demented rule. All you have to do is stop f***ing blocking my way and let me up to the god damn RBoH!

Unfortunately, the stairs were too far gone to listen to reason of any kind and I was left to fight the battle on my own. Now, you may not be aware of this, but there’s actually a significantly better and far more logical way of getting to the RBoH and destroying each of the balls - one that actually uses the very thing I spent the entire game utilizing. Portals. Why oh why did I insist on trying to carry that damn ball up that tiny, thin staircase? Clearly, I deserved everything I got, but whilst the frustration may have only lasted a few minutes, my boiling blood turned those mere seconds in to a simmering eternity.

Article 1/2 I wrote for the most ripped edition of The Luchazine yet!