Imagine if every game got the Mario Galaxy 2 marketing treatment.

If you haven't read the press release stuff that Future Publishing put out to hype its upcoming Mario Galaxy 2-centric issue, you should really do so here. It's not any surprise that the official magazine of a console manufacturer would go out of its way to hype its coverage, but when you've got someone saying that its review is "the only one that matters," that's when things become morbidly humorous. I'm pretty sure I don't even need to say why. So let's take the time to see what sorts of press releases other, lesser-known games would get if they had the backing and finances of a big-name first party magazine, as depicted by yours truly. 
 
----
 
Katamari Forever

 It's so old, it's new! And in ONE BAJILLIONDY-P RESOLUTION! Promise!
 It's so old, it's new! And in ONE BAJILLIONDY-P RESOLUTION! Promise!
"Not since the critically loved and philosophically profound release of Pac-Man Fever back in 2002 have we been so excited for a flagship game here at the Namco Brigade Magazine, but we have reason to believe that Katamari Forever, the latest in a series of roundabout games Keita Takahashi has been crafting for his entire development career, will be, by far, the most important game in history yet. Why do we say that? It's so important to history because it features so much of it! Read our review that takes up the entire magazine (even our letters section!) and find out for yourself why recycling levels makes old games automatically new! And relevant! Again! Plus, just this once, the issue will be printed exclusively on velcro balls so that you can roll up the world around you while learning about Takahashi's latest gaming Mona Lisa! And remeber, we at Namco Brigade Magazine provide the only reviews worth reading. If it's not flattered in here, it's not worth it, like our competitors' products!"
 
Deadly Premonition

It's like that other game about stuff getting killed when it rains and fogs, but, like, David Lynchier. That automatically makes it better in our book.
It's like that other game about stuff getting killed when it rains and fogs, but, like, David Lynchier. That automatically makes it better in our book.
"It's been a long road here at All Things Twin Peaks. We were shocked and awed just like you were at the Tokyo Game Show in 2007 when we got to exclusively cover the remake of our beloved television series, then known simply as 'Rainy Woods.' But the wait is finally over and we've got the exclusive, 30-episode long review before everyone else! You, the subscribers, will be the first to learn before everyone else in the world why the adventures of Agent Francis York Morgan, Emily Wyatt, and George Woodman make for David Lynch's most moving production yet. To commemorate this momentous occasion, we've also got a special distribution deal exclusively for this review: it'll be printed inside the game itself, so you can know right after your purchased it why you spent the best $20 in your entire existence! As always, look forward to our review because here at All Things Twin Peaks, we strive to be the only authoritative voice on all things ever, Twin Peaks or otherwise. It's why we even have a coffee review section, after all."
 
Hotel Dusk

 We realize now that we were foolish to trust in even this game, especially since we have MUGEN nowadays.
 We realize now that we were foolish to trust in even this game, especially since we have MUGEN nowadays.
"Our dear readers, we've seen the truth. After looking at Twilight Princess' overall Metacritic score and seeing that it isn't as immaculate as that still holy Ocarina of Time, we here at Nintendo Power have seen the light. The future of Nintendo is not with Zelda. It's not with Mario, although bless his soul for working so hard for us all these year. It's not in Metroid; not after Team Ninja Touched it. It's not in Star Fox, even if it is the world's greatest and only Arwing flight simulator. It's not even in F-Zero, the series we only remember when we're drunk and waxing nostalgic about everything from hot high school hookups to that first joint. No, the future of Nintendo lies exclusively in Hotel Dusk, the most expensive adventure game ever made, exclusively for the Nintendo DS. Combining a strong narrative with such a striking artistic style, we at Nintendo Power are unafraid to profess our faith in the bright, beautiful future that is Cing's magnificent game. To celebrate the upcoming holiday that is the game's release, we've got a 20-page review and walkthrough that will help you complete the game from start to finish while ensuring you know why we love it death. We're also throwing in copies of Casablanca and Dick Tracy to show you the game's inspiration first hand and we've even got an interview with a real life detective who proves once and for all just how ordinary of a life Kyle Hyde really leads! So get excited and remember, here at Nintendo Power, we're the only reviews you can trust. We get paid by the man, so we know the man best and can therefore speak most truthfully about him. Stay tuned!"
 
Cheetahmen II
 Despite the fact that we gave this cool little spot a rare 40/40, not even its majesty can compare to what we have in store for you!
 Despite the fact that we gave this cool little spot a rare 40/40, not even its majesty can compare to what we have in store for you!
"I think it goes without saying, but we here at the Official Cheetahmen II Magazine have had pretty high expectations for this game's release, especially since we named our magazine exclusively after it. After seeing the bold new direction that platformers were beginning to take in the original Cheetahmen game in Action 52, we knew we wanted to climb aboard the revolution and propagate it to the masses. Thankfully for us all, Cheetahmen II is a godsend and much, much more, so we're here to announce our upcoming issue devoted to this review. Of course we'll have our regular features, such as 'Are YOU Faster Than a Cheetah?' But we wanted to make this issue of Official Cheetahmen II Magazine special, because a special game is worth special attention. Thus, we're doing things in style! Instead of releasing this issue to newsstands, we're putting all of the issues in a box and ditching it in a warehouse, just like our game! We're making you work hard to understand our love of this life-changing NES sequel, but believe us, you'll thank us for being even more enlightened than the Buddha. Keep an eye out on our BBS board, alt.rec.thisgamerools, where we'll start posting clues on where to find the magazines in a completely arbitrary and unnecessary alternate reality game! (I know you wanna say 'ARGH,' but bear with us on this one.) Like we've always done with this magazine, take care to note that when it comes to Cheetahmen II, our opinion is the only one worth reading, since it's our's and not somebody else's. Until next time, keep Cheetah-ing your way through life!"
 
----
 
What a strange world we'd live in if all games were like that, no? Well thank capitalism we all aren't rich enough to promote our own games in self-titled promotional magazines yet, because otherwise the future would sure be grim. And full of 10s. For now, it's confined to a little magazine hailing from the UK. I think we can manage to keep that under control.
15 Comments