How to play Duke Nukem Forever if you never tried Duke Nukem 3-D

I get it, I'm old. At some point the calendar flipped and I became a member of the old guard. You young turks with your "Gears of War" and your "Halo" and your "Call of Duty." You're the popular kids. The ones with the dollars that drive budgets and get stuff done. Well it turns out that some of you are going to have to play (or at least be confused by) a new game coming out this spring; "Duke Nukem Forever" a game that has been in development longer than some of you sugar fried midgets have been alive. You're going to want it because it is a "fps" and those are the only games you lot seem to play. Well before you chuck the controller into mommy and daddy's new 3-D HD 57" TV let me bring you up to speed on the Duke.

Get to Cover! (or Don't)

In the 90s we didn't know what cover was, nine times out of ten a player only won if he could get the biggest gun first. So when you see an over-turned car or waist high piece of rubble don't duck behind it. Ducking is for pussies and people with an unnatural affinity for water fowl. Grab your gun and run straight at whatever most looks like it wants to die.

Plot, NPCs and Other Distractions

You kids might be used to listening to computer controlled robots slowly dolling out pieces of 'plot' that advance the 'narrative' of the game. HOGWASH! Rule number one of Duke Nukem: if the computer controls it - KILL IT! Done. Next!

The Environment and You

Do you want to hear some dick and fart jokes? Click everything in the environment. Do you not want to hear dick and fart jokes? Shoot at everything in the environment. Done!

Achievements and Trophies

At some point the lot of you stopped playing games for fun and instead for things called "Achievements." BWAH! Duke doesn't need a computer to tell him he is a badass. Duke @#$%-ing knows he is a badass. Duke's friends don't need to know Duke is a badass they know he is a @#$%-ing badass! Time to cowboy up kiddies, you don't shoot aliens because you're going to get a merit badge you shoot them because they stole your strippers or something...actually you just shoot them!


There is only one Duke, the world couldn't handle two...neither can you.
There you go kids. Remember if you think "Duke Nukem: Forever" sucks it isn't because it was in development for the better part of three Presidential terms, or because it isn't freakin' amazing. It is because you don't know what a good game is because all of your games suck.  Or at least that is what Duke would think.