I'm going to continue reading, but I thought we all knew you were transgendered...? At least, I did. Kinda weird to be making a big deal out of it here because of that.
Not sure what to say after reading that. I don't know that "don't do it" is really an effective message. "Life will get better" or "there has to be a better way" has always sounded like sweet nothings to me that people who don't understand the person in question's situation say to prevent them from doing something stupid. I feel the same way about "thinking on the bright side."
I will say, however, that it seems that you're stuck thinking about unfulfilled dreams a lot. That, I can say with 100% certainty, we all have. Unfulfilled dreams, are not, in my opinion, a proper basis for doing something as drastic as taking one's own life. "Dreams", I think, are irrelevant and if they don't happen, then they don't happen. Best to come up with new ones or refocus on potential future happiness than be stuck in the past. I hate the past.
It sounds like you've been trying to do the best with your tough situation as you could, and that's great. Because of that, I don't know how much emphasis anyone could place on trying to get out of it or finding alternatives.
Because you've made this decision, there's really no urgency for when you have to do it, right? So, before you kill yourself, I suggest you use common resources such as suicide hotlines, internet forums (like this!), therapists and such to maybe give you a different perspective before you do something that can't be fixed. The best decisions are always those that can be changed.
Please don't do it. you seem to be a generous and caring person. we need more people like you.
i found this on reddit/r/SW/ just now. take five minutes to read it before you do anything, okay?
Please, @artemesia tell me you read those? Please? I know it's not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, what I think is silly or not (and trust me, coming from someone who has contemplated this a few dozen times, it's not silly), or anything like that... but we're here for you and I hope you are reading this right now. I really, really hope so.