Went to Five Guys for the First Time, Left with a Broken Brain

Ok, sorry, I just need to get this out of my brain. Bear with me.

I've always been an In-N-Out guy, there was one two blocks from my high school which should be illegal, and was actually completely oblivious to the existence of Five Guys until I started coming to Giant Bomb. After moving to West LA earlier this Summer I finally found one of their locations in a nearby mall and today I decided I'd see what all the contentious bickering was about.

Transcending history and the world, a tale of Swords and Souls eternally retold
Transcending history and the world, a tale of Swords and Souls eternally retold

So I go there, I'm checking out the menu, and I'm thinking to myself "Awesome, look at all those toppings. I love toppings!" I go up to the guy and tell him it's my first time eating at Five Guys. He tells me the standard burgers come with 2 patties so I order a cheeseburger with everything plus green peppers and BBQ soss. Now if I was only hungry enough for a sandwich, everything would have ended hunky dory. That was not the case.

You see, as a lifelong frequenter of In-N-Out, I've become a devoted fan of fries served "animal style." For the uninitiated, animal style fries are fries served covered in cheese, grilled onions, and In-N-Out's secret sauce (namely Thousand Islands dressing). So you can imagine how intrigued I was as a topping lover, eating a joint that seemed to be all about the toppings, when under sides I see I can order my fries "Five Guys Style."


In eager anticipation I asked the guy, "So what are 'Five Guys Style' fries?"

He looked at me, looked sideways at the menu, and said, "Well, for the 'Five Guys Style' fries we put salt on them."

I tried to force my brain to hear an ellipsis as I waited for him to regale me with the cornucopia of toppings my fries could bring me if I ordered the fabled "Five Guys Style" fries, but no more words came. That was it, nothing more, Full Stop.

Have you ever had a time when your brain was having so much trouble reconciling reality with common sense that you burst out in mad laughter? Well, I can tell you I barely kept my shit together as I completed my order, paid, then abandoned my fiance waiting for the food to find a place to change my daughter's diaper.

I mean, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? They might as well start calling their fountain drinks "Five Guys Style" because they put them in a cup with ice. Are their burgers "Five Guys Style" because they're made with meat? FUCK. Putting salt on your food isn't a "style," it's cooking 101 ie "seasoning your goddam food so it doesn't taste like shit."

Look out fellas, you're all jockin' Five Guys's
Look out fellas, you're all jockin' Five Guys's "Style"!

Anyways, the food was alright but I think I'm still an In-N-Out guy. Toppings are great, but not 2.5x the cost great. Thanks for reading, I needed to get that out of my system.

Oh, and I got the cajun fries instead.