By Suicrat 2 Comments
Okay, here; my post about how fucking stupid some people (of both sexes) are went nowhere because people thought it was a post about love. Well, yes, love was a part of the discussion, and my juxtaposition (and ranking) of love as commerce versus love as conquest threw some people for a loop. Some demanded I write something about my feelings about love; well, I guess they forgot this post here, or maybe the one I wrote around Valentine's Day (which I can't seem to find in my post history, so if you can't find it either, I forgive you.) Anyways, I had spent the last quarter of friday and the first half of saturday with the person whose presence in my life I value most, and whether it was bowling under a black light while bad techno played in the background (with old friends from High School) or eating dinner at a local terminus of chicken slaughter (again, with old friends from High School), or watching her on stage in the back of a local bar to read poetry about her memories of selling girl guide cookies, or lying in my bed reading her Yeats, or a chapter from The Fountainhead, this one (quite pleasant) feeling persists.
There's a really weird stirring somewhere between the back of my throat and the point where my medulla oblongata and spinal column meet. It happens when Caro's looking into my eyes and smiling. It happens when she talks about the future in a way that seems to imply my presence therein. It happens when she expresses any degree of optimism whatsoever. I don't really know what to call this strange feeling that almost feels like it happens behind me. I doubt I'm the only one that's felt it before.
Caro and I have a very bizarre relationship, if it were to be described as one of the earth's spherical layers, it would be the biosphere -- only taken as a sphere because of the human mind's ability to fill in the blanks. If it were to be described as a colour, it would be a bright red -- high intensity, low frequency. If it were to be described as a video game, well, I don't know. I've gotten a bunch of game overs, and I'm nowhere near the final boss. This game's actually pretty fucking hard, for which I feel a strange sort of appreciation because it's making me better at other non-zero-sum games. I don't really know if I believed that this feeling would persist in its intensity close to 7 years ago. I don't really know if I cared about my seven-years-in-the-future self back then. What I know now is that my love for her is far more than this feeling. I am going to continue to value this person's presence in my life for dozens of reasons, for a long time to come, thankyouverymuch.